It was Sept. 5th 1980 and I was busy in my gift shop celebrating an open house to commemorate my first year in business, when the phone rang and it was my daughter, Barb. “I think my water just broke”.

Barb was about to become a mother with my first grandchild. I closed the shop, dashed home and realized right away we weren’t going to get there in my car, I was much too excited and needed to calm down for her sake.

I called an ambulance to drive the 48 miles to the hospital in Ellensburg. When the ambulance arrived I jumped in the front seat. When I looked around everyone was laughing at me. I had left Barb on the porch holding her suitcase!!

As we started down the hill in town I realized I would have no way home if I rode in the ambulance so they kindly dropped me off and I ran home and got my car. >p> About half way to the hospital the ambulance had a flat tire!! I passed it and headed on into Ellensburg and the hospital where I listened to their scanner and then checked Barb in even though she wasn’t there yet. Making a long story short, my grandson arrived 4 minutes after the ambulance arrived.

He was breach and I was there when my darling was born. He didn’t cry right away and that was a concern and I remember hearing the doctor saying “that’s enough oxygen” and with that came the first cry! Oh, that blessed cry.

The next few days I spent every waking hour at the hospital staring at this beautiful boy through a glass window. Barb at one point mentioned I spent more time at the nursery than I did with her.

The next three years Michael and his mom, a single parent, lived with us as I helped to raise him. I still had two other daughters that I was raising so we all pitched in and had so much fun watching Michael and all his antics. He had a smile that never quit on his good days.

“Good Days”, as I look back and watch videos , was what they were. Michael had a temper, one we laughed at when he was two and three, but one that grew to the point that I later learned, scared his mom.

I remember one time when my hubby (grandpa) wanted to give him a fishing filet knife for Christmas and Barb and the girls gave a resound NO! We had no reason why, he was certainly old enough. We didn’t know about his anger toward his mother.

I’m recalling a day when Michael was, probably around 7 years old, they had a grandparents day at school and it’s all he could talk about . He called to invite me the week before. The day of this event we had one of the worst storms I’ve seen then or since. Hail, wind and rain, but I’d made a promise and I was going to keep it.

Because of this, and the traffic, I was very late. When I walked into the classroom he was elated I’d made it and when I saw that smile and sigh of relief, I was too. “I didn’t think you were coming Grandma”.

I wanted to cry because obviously he was distraught over the idea that I might not be coming. I hugged him right in front of his friends and I could tell he was a little embarrassed so I pulled up a small chair and sat next to him….you know, those chairs made for 2nd graders’ NOT me!

The grandparents were asked to tell stories about when we were 7 years old and the only one I could remember was the first (and only) time I had skipped school to go sledding on a big hill. Now, that went over really big!!! I’d made a smash at his school and he was sooooo proud!

Over the years we started realizing Michael was unhappy about not having a father figure in his life and the biological father was always in hiding for fear of paying child support. Michael never met him. None of us did.

When Michael was three, a baby brother arrived and he couldn’t have been happier. He loved showing off his brother, Christopher, kissing him and hugging him. His mom married Christopher’s dad shortly after this birth and it was a marriage that didn’t last

. Barb found herself unable to raise both boys alone so Chris went to live with his dad. I think Mike was a little unhappy about losing his brother this way. Now, I may be wrong but this is also when I started noticing Michaels’ depression.

Michael showed anger over the fact that his biological father was no where to be found. In the 90’s I acquired a computer and we went on line together in search of this person. For awhile it worked, keeping Michael satisfied that we were at least searching, but not for long.

Michael was seeing a doctor for depression, something his mother has suffered from since she was a young adult, maybe earlier and I didn’t notice. He refused to take the medication ordered for him and always hated counseling, but went to make his mom happy.

His self esteem was on an all time low and to even hear him when he spoke you needed to be right up against his mouth. He mumbled a lot. He spent most of his time in his room playing Nintendo and other games. He didn’t like being interrupted except perhaps for a meal.

Michael didn’t finish high school mainly because he had a hard time getting along with the kids, but he did get his GED shortly afterwards. He was proud of that diploma and he really enjoyed this teacher. She helped him tremendously with his self worth and encouraged him to go into the Navy.

I don’t know when the drugs began. I do know that he had a clean drug screen when he signed up for the Navy and I also know they did spot checks before he actually left for Basic training in Illinois.

Following training he was stationed in San Diego where we wrote back and forth almost on a daily basis and appeared to enjoy, except for KP duty, his life in the Navy.

I have 31 emails I kept and in each of those letters I would tell him I loved him deeper than the ocean and he would sign his “I love you higher than the sky”.

He spent 2 years serving in the Navy when he was caught with drugs and was shown the “door”. He came home ashamed. When I had a moment with him I asked him what happened and he said, “you don’t want to know Grandma”.

His mom did the tough love thing and made him get a job and find his own place to live. She was right, I know, but I could tell it was a struggle for him. He found work in a local restaurant and also found an apartment close to his mom.

The drugs continued and I’m told he was into the “hard stuff”, whatever that might mean. Trust me I didn’t want to know! I loved this boy beyond anything in my life and I didn’t know how to help him.

One night late he phoned and asked me to pick him up at a local grocery store. I was ready for bed but hurried into my clothes and went down to pick him up. Now, you have to picture a small town and he could easily have walked home, but he never asked me for anything his entire life and here was my moment to help him.

He was standing in the shadows and at first I couldn’t find him. When he got in the car I headed straight for his apartment but he said, Grandma don’t go this way, go that way. We went the long way around. He was paranoid and I had no idea why…..don’t ask.

I stayed to watch him go inside and when he opened the door he first looked inside and behind the door then slipped in, leaving the door open, and I could see him looking all around turning on lights, then he came back and waved me on, closing the door. I stayed there for at least 20 minutes not really knowing why but just that paternal instinct that things weren’t quite right.

The next day we learned that Michael had hitched a ride to the coast during the night. The people he found to stay with said he could stay 3 days so on the 3rd day he called his Aunt in Oregon who in the middle of the night got in her van and drove the 300 miles to pick him up and return home. This was the 18th of July, 2001.

On the way back home Kim gave him the “rules of the house”. No drugs, no alcohol, needed to find a job and would have to pay rent.

Michael abided by these rules…all of them. He loved it there and soon found a job working in a deli at the local grocery store and started paying rent.

That Sept 5th he turned 21 and Barb and I got in the car and drove the 6 hours down to celebrate his birthday. He got so many nice things and by all appearances he was a very happy person. This was to be the last time I would see him alive.

Meanwhile, Barb cleaned out his apartment and found a suicide note he had written. I have never seen this note, but was told that in the note he said he couldn’t do it because it would hurt his Mom and Grandma.

At Christmas time I had hoped to get down but the icy weather kept us all at home that year so I shipped his gift down to him.

For some reason he chose not to return to Ellensburg again. Kim and Scott came up often over that year and always invited Mike to come with them, but he said he wasn’t ready to come and we didn’t encourage him. He was clean and sober and we were all elated about that. He knew the drugs were here and he chose to stay where it was “safe” for him. He chose his friends with care, drugs were not an option.

We wrote and talked on the phone. He changed jobs in the spring. He became certified as a nurses assistant in a lovely nursing/rehab center. He had a calming way about him around the patients. At his services many spoke about his wonderful way with his patients and how with one woman he would read the Bible to her every night.

He had a girlfriend, actually, he had two in that year. Both he met at work. This was new. Remember the low self esteem? He was overcoming this.

At home, however, he was becoming that angry person again, constantly arguing with his Aunt Kim, shouting and slamming doors. Why was he so unhappy and oh goodness, don’t awake him before noon!!

July 18th, 2002 was his Uncle Scott’s birthday. It was a Thursday and Michael made plans to take him to the car races on Saturday as a birthday gift. Just the two of them. A guy thing.

Michael worked a swing shift on Friday, came home, talked about the races he and Scott were going to the next day and went to bed.

Saturday the 20th Kim asked if she and the children could go with them to the races that night. Scott found no reason why not, but it angered Michael and he slammed out of the house for about 5 hours. It was supposed to be a “guy thing”.

We later learned he spent that 5 hours with his girlfriend. When he returned home the argument became about what time the races started. The family went to the car, sent the youngest back in to get Michael who told Tyler he wasn’t going! So, they left without him.

When they got home that night everyone went straight to bed. Sometime during the night Tyler came down to sleep on the couch. The bedroom door to Michaels room was open and his TV was on. Tyler went quietly over and peeked in and not seeing Mike on his bed, pulled the door closed because the TV was bothering him.

The next day, Sunday, the family were all getting ready for church. Kim said she thought about asking Michael but thought better of it because she was sure he was sleeping and “we don’t wake the sleeping giant”.

That afternoon Michael didn’t come out for lunch. Kim went grocery shopping and bought oysters. Only she and Mike liked oysters and she decided to fix the family something else, but she was feeling badly that she and Mike had been fighting and she knew of his love for sea food. Once home and the groceries put away she decided to go to his room and get him to come out……..

Someone was pounding on my door. It was 3:45pm Sunday the 21st. It was my son in law Keith. “You need to sit down”. “Ok, why?” “I have something to tell you and your not going to like what I have to say”.

My first thought, something was wrong with my daughter, Rosie or the boys, Larry and Jake. “There’s no easy way to tell you this, so I’m just going to tell you.. …Michael hung himself today.”

Ok, pretty soon he’s going to tell me this is a joke (pretty sick one, but a joke non the less). I waited, and waited, no he’s not going to tell me it’s a joke. Why? Why? Don’t ask. Michael would not want me to know why.

Breathing fast and heavy, I’m having chest pains, take a nitro, still waiting Keith. You look rather pale. Come on Keith, when are you going to walk back out the door you just came in and I’ll wake up from this moment and realize that, thank God it was all a dream.

Your still here, it’s starting to sink in. This first born grandchild whom I adored above and beyond, deeper than the ocean and higher than the sky, hung himself. Does that mean he’s dead? Why are you still here Keith?

The rest is rather hazy. I remember wanting to go right away to Barb, Mikes’ mother and then wanting to get to Oregon to be with Kim who found him. Kim who screamed so loud she had no voice for days. Do my legs work? Can I make it to the car?

Poor Keith wasn’t sure how to handle me. I learned my daughter Rosie was with Barb and for right now he felt I should just sit still. I can’t sit still, are you nuts? Sinking in some more. Can’t be.

Just can’t be. These things happen to other people.

With the help of friends we made it to Oregon and for the next week we were all full of questions. Oh, the guilt. Why didn’t I go down more often? He made it clear he wasn’t coming up here again.

I had promised to come down in August and he was happy about that. Kim feeling guilty about the argument, Barb feeling guilty about having him live with Kim. Everyone living with their own guilt and feelings.

How very much I miss you. I love you so much, so very, very much.

When I get to Heaven my first question will be, “why Michael?” This time I’m going to ASK!

Jean, Grandmother of Michael Eugene Shoup
Sept. 5, 1980 - July 21, 2002
axphixia hanging-depressed
I love you deeper than the ocean
Rest In Peace My baby boy