As the spouse left behind, I can say , that everyone wants to know, Why? not only "why" did he do it, but then, even more so, why did he do it in the way that he did. I have struggled with this for years... I have to say, the absolute, worse thing, is the media and public scrutiny, and how they are so quick to assume, and pass on gossip,negative stigma,shame and false information. I must back up, and tell some of the things that led up to it, to give a more complete picture...
My husband "Rich", was 24 years old. He was a Drill Instructor in the U.S. Marine Corps, and he was currently working at the indoor training pool , where they teach the young recruits tactics for water survival school. His drinking was spiraling out of control, as well as his many other "social activities" that I was unaware of.
Two Months prior to his death, I received an anonymous letter(prob. from a scorned woman) telling me about his double life, many infidelities, etc. So- a VERY long story made short, he finally broke down, admiited to it all, and told me, I
"should get away from him, that I should divorce him, because he would always bring me pain" he called himself a "rotten apple", and said that he would "only cause everything around him to rot and go bad".
I begged him to seek help, and said I would "forgive him, and stick by him, but he had to get help", he refused and said that it would be "too hard, and it was easier to just keep on doing what he was doing."
SO , we rented out our house, sold almost everything we had acquired since our marriage, and I had to "let him go" because I couldn't "make" him get help.
I hoped that some time ,would enable him to think it over and would help him get his priorities straight. Not me, or his parents, or his sisters ,brothers, friends, could get through to him. Not even the thought of his first baby coming, seemed to matter; we were all baffled.
At the time of his death, I had moved in with my parents, because it was becoming alarmingly clear, he was headed for major trouble,becoming more and more unreliable, and would not be able to help me with my pregnancy and the up and coming baby.
I desperatly needed emotional support, because it looked like the marriage was doomed, especially considering the fact of his many infidelities and alcoholism Everything around him was crumbling. He was getting into debt,ruining his other social relationships, as well as not functioning up to par at work, from all his late nights drinking, etc.
He had already totaled one of our cars , prior, that same year, and was overwhelmed with guilt over it, and said: "if I had a gun right now, I'd put it to my head". I was shocked, and reminded him, "it's only a car, no ones hurt, the insurance will take care of it",etc.
But for him, it was HELPLESS. This is one example of how he would handle all the overhwelming pressures; so I was VERY concerned about his suicide ideations at the time when I got this "letter". In fact ,it was 2 months, from the time I got the letter, until his actual suicide.
We (the whole family) were worried constantly that it might happen. It wasnt just the question of "if", it was also the question of"when" and "how".
He was *desperatly* afraid his military carrer would be ruined. He had felt he destroyed our marriage, our life, and the Marine Corps was all he had left.
The Marine Corps had become everything to him; It was in his blood. And for anyone who knew him, they called him a "poster MArine"- the typical 6'3 tan, blue eyed, handsome, strong guy.
His antics had become very famous. He was the guy, who would do anything for a laugh. He would always push it to the edge, take the risk, and do something, just to be remembered, that he was "the one" and who would not be forgotten. These are the traits which everyone remembers him by- all the crazy, funny stories, and how he left his mark on people , when they met him.
He was the life of the party; very charming, and magnetic. He hated to be alone, and "not doing anything." He seemed to have a life force and an energy that left a lasting impression on all of those who ever met him.
... So..., the baby was due any day. Rich would call every couple of days, in despair, wanting my advice, but so unsure of what he should do.He had repetedly promised that he would be there for the birth of our baby; he had said he would get a beeper, and the minute I went into labor, he would just make the 7 hour drive, hoping to make it in time.
He was so afraid, he would lose his military carrer,(this is a very common fear of military people, and why they often dont seek help) if he admitted to the adultry, needing help, or needing alcohol rehabilitation,
But he continued with his behavior, even though he knew what the possible consequences were. Because he had always warned me to "stay out of his career", I was also afraid that I may hurt his career prospects if I tried to get him help on my own, so I kept quiet.
I saw how much he was hurting, and didn't want to make it worse, by going to his command , so I had hoped they( his chain of command) would be responsible enough to see how much he needed help. Afterall, these were the people who saw him all day during and after work; they knew first hand, more than anyone, what he was doing.
In fact, he was starting to get into more and more trouble during work, coming in late, with booze on his breath; he was pushing the recruits too far. He was notorious for playing the "crazy drill instructor", always trying to gain the undying respect of the recruits. He began taking his postion of power too far, he couldntr handle all of stressors, anxiety; his mental clarity and life in general were all out of balance, and spinning into a downward spiral.
They had just put him on light duty, to keep a closer eye on him, and made him start visiting the Navy Chaplain. He had told me, to call as soon as I went into labor, and He would drive down to Fla. to be with me when I was having the baby.
It didn't sound very realistic to me. I had asked him to take some leave time, to be sure he could make it on time, but he assured me, he'd just hop in the car, and drive on down . I never really put alot of stock in this, because of how unreliable he had become, but I had hoped he meant it. (I am sure he had the best of INTENTIONS when he said it...)
Then the awful weekend came. Friday night very late, he got a DUI, he totaled our mint condition 1969 V.W. Bug.
(which he, ironically ,wanted to keep , so he could give it to the baby one day, when he/she could drive).
He crashed into another car, and was taken to jail, for a DUI. This is when he called me. Thinking back a few months prior, to our last car he totaled, I was already starting to worry, because of everything else that was happening in his life.
He called me around 1 am, VERY upset,crying, paranoid about what the military would do to him, being labled a "section 8" and I was unabled to calm him. He kept saing, "you dont understand what I have done,... I am standing here in an orange prison suit, do you know what that means, it means it's ALL over for me !!! Dont worry though, I am gonna fix everything."
I kept saying "what are you talking about?, tell me what you mean? " I begged him to let me talk to the guards, he wouldnt. The rest of it is a blur, because I was crying and upset myself.
I called everywhere,and was told he'd been released to the brig, and then released again, and had to report first thing Monday morning, to his commanding officer.
I was between a rock and a hardplace- the baby was due any day, I was about 7 hours away from him, by car, and when I called looking for him, they thought I was a jealous, angry wife, trying to make waves, even though I told them, that I knew he was going to do something.
Again, I didnt know "how much" I should say, because I didn't want to get him into trouble, but I wanted someone to help him. So the weekend went by, he was somehwere off base, I didnt know where at the time.
He had gone out drinking the next night, and when asked how he would handle things Monday morning, he said "On monday morning , I am gonna give them all something they will never forget".
I had later found out in the Naval investigation, that he had been at an undisclosed person's home. I later found out with who/where, but out of respect to all involved, I will leave it at that.
This did hurt to know that he spent the last couple days of his life with someone, that was a stranger to me and all his family. Apparently, the person was trying to be a friend to him, because they could see his inner torment. Oddly enough, I have never felt anger towards anyone else, as I know Rich only did they things he did, because I was so troubled inside.
He did show up for work on Monday morning, but only after he went to the armory, and checked out his M-16 service rifle,magazine,bullets, etc- with the excuse, he was going to the range, and would need to be cleaning it (the rifle) as well.
Monday, Oct.31,1994, at 7:30 am , he walked into the in-door training pool, fully dressed in uniform, and climbed up on the High dive. Co-workers didnt know what he was doing; at first they all thought it was another one his crazy stunts, but they were calling to him, yelling at him,to get down, etc. He was reported to have a " zombie-like" like look to his face and response.
There were also several hundreds of recruits there at the time. He threw his Drill Instructor Campaign Cover (hat) into the water, he sat down, and put the rifle under his chin
Rich fell into the pool, and an immediate rescue was attempted by his fellow Drill Instructors.
Rich died by suicide, in the place he loved the most, in the arms of the Marines he considered his "brothers".
Meanwhile, I didnt even find out , until 10:30 that night. The military has to notify you in person, and Rich had not updated them on my whereabouts in his record book so they had a difficult time finding me at my parents home.
Four days later, the night before his funeral , I went into labor, but I was in denial that the labor pain was real, because I was devastated of the thought of missing my own husbands funeral. So when we all woke up early the morning of the funeral, it was clear the baby was on the way.
So on the morning of his funeral, and instead of going to the funeral with everyone else, I was having the baby, with my mother by my side. Our son was born at 12:32 p.m., the exact time they were playing Taps at Richs funeral, (this is the GODs honest truth!!!!!!)
Then there were so many questions... NO note was left, but I felt that Rich had been slowly saying his goodbyes, in his own way, that whole month. Everyone wanted to know why he did it the way he did.
He is the only one who could answer that question. I can only assume, based on what I knew from my life with him, since we were high school sweethearts from the age 15.
Rich was very outgoing, magnetic, charming,and extreme in everything he ever did. He did everything in a dynamic way, and not always the best or most balanced way, but "his way" nonetheless. Almost to leave his name, his mark, in the minds of all the people he met.
He was the class clown, the life of the party, the guy who would do, or try anything. Perhaps he did this, to cover what he really felt inside. The one thing that everyone remembers him by, would be the crazy, funny, wacky and outrage
ous things he would do, for a laugh or prank. This got him into ALOT of trouble as a teenager, and after a few really rough years, and a 5th year in high school, he decided to get his act together, straighten up, and join the Marines, with hopes that the military would really straighten him up.
He went at it full force, he LOVED the Marine Corps so much. For him, it would have been the most honorable way to die- in battle , fighting along side his fellow Marines.
So in the end, he felt like he had let everyone down. Me, the baby, his family, the Marine Corps. He felt that he had destoyed and lost the respect and faith from everyone that mattered, even though we all assured him , over and over how much we loved him, that we cared about him, and would be there to help him, no matter what.
For him, the situation became totally helpless. He saw no other way to cope with everything that was crumbling around him, even if the destruction was coming from his own hand. He felt there was no possible way to "fix all the damage" he had caused.
I will never know for sure, but I would say, IN MY OPINION, Rich's final act was his only way to prove to everyone, how remorseful he was; for him, it was the only honorable way. Yes , he was making a statement, but he is the only one who could fully explain why and what that statement would be.
Why did he do it at work? Many of the things I mentioned, lead me to the conclusion why. He didn't like being alone very much. He would NEVER "take the back seat", and be the "quiet wall flower" type. He thrived in the company of friends and family, and he LOVED attention he got.
He viewed his fellow Marines as his "brothers", in the deepest meaning of the word. Perhaps, in his final minutes, he wanted to die in their company, in their arms, and not alone. He may not have died a famous war hero, but he was still going to "go down in a blaze of glory", and they would all remember him; his band of brothers.
Rich lies at peace at Bourne National Cemetary, in Bourne, Mass.
Now, almost 8 years later, I still maintain my feelings, which I had from the beginning. I will always think of Rich, his life and his death, with respect, forgiveness and compassion. I give him the compassion, I would give to any being, who is suffering, and in pain. His pain was an internal, psychological pain, but no less signifigant than anyone else's.
I will not let his memory be shamed, nor that of myself or his family. I will not let his memory or his life be forgotten. I will speak out openly and honestly, to break down the walls of stigma and silence, and say, NO MORE SECRETS!!!
I will share my pains, my hopes, my experiences and my strengths with anyone who cares enough to listen. I will carry his memory in all that I do, and I will not let his death be in vain...
Peace,Love and Compassion,2002,
written by
Carla, survivor and wife of Rich~
(public g.s.w.h. 11/25/69-10/31/94)
To see Rich's website, go to:
Rich's website
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