About Me
This story may end up
costing me most of my online friends but I feel that I owe them the courtesy of
knowing who and what I am. This is the short version....So, here goes.
Since I've been online
many people I've met have asked me all kinds of questions, many of
which I didn't want to answer because, at the time, I didn't plan on making
any friends here. The main reason I bought a computer was to learn how to
operate one in order to get a better paying position in my chosen career. Well,
I learned how and got promoted and I figured that was that. Then the unexpected
happened. I got very sick and had to leave work and ended up becoming disabled.
I applied for Social Security Disability but it took so long to get that I ran
out of my savings. Up until that time, I had become content with my life, as it
was, trying to keep things as simple as possible and just minding my own
business. I had never been married or had any children, for all intents and
purposes I had no family, nor had I ever asked anyone for anything. I always
paid my own way and never owed anything to anyone until that point, but my life
situation changed drastically with my illness.
After about a year of
waiting for Social Security to decide on my case, I ran out of money. Shortly
prior to that, I had allowed a few people online into my personal life a little
bit and my situation leaked out. Mind you, I had never met any of these people
face to face, only online, and to this day, I still have only met one person,
due to the fact that she lives here in my town and it would have been rude to
not meet with her due to the following reasons.
I made one "Special"
friend in particular, with whom I had had many long conversations and she became
very concerned about the emotional state I had fallen into. I started to lose
hope of ever recovering from my illness or ever getting my disability approved
and she knew it. I found myself preparing to put an end to my problems on my own
terms and was trying to say my goodbye's to her. Needless to say, she made me
stop and think about what I was doing otherwise I wouldn't be here today. She
didn't stop there, though. Through her actions and concern, she worked very hard
to keep me on an even keel and to hold on to the hope that things would work out
for me. She also contacted some of her friends and organized a small drive
to send me help.
As the word spread,
other people here online that I had associated with started to send me food and
a few dollars and even paid my overdue phone bills as well as paying for my
internet connection in order for me to have contact with them on a regular basis
and to keep track of my well being. Everyone I knew also offered me words of encouragement, "Spiritual" verse and moral support. This kind of treatment, especially from
people I had never met, was totally foreign to me. I had so called friends that
I had known for many years here in my town, that turned their backs on me, and
here, from virtually total strangers, I was receiving more love than my own
family had ever given me. I'll tell you why this was such a shock to
me.
I was born in 1945 in
New York City. Both my parents were immigrants from the communist part of Poland
and I was the only son with two older sisters at that time. As I found out much
later, I had a learning disorder that made it virtually impossible for me to
learn things through the, at that time, normal methods of teaching. As a result
of that, I was constantly punished for not making good grades or doing "stupid
things" for my entire childhood. I also had a younger sister after a time and
that made things even worse. I was constantly having to take the blame for
things they did because I was the "Stupid One". I couldn't seem to do anything
right and the beatings came even more frequently. My only recourse was to get
away from my family, so I enlisted in the Army as soon as I
turned seventeen.
My first assignment
was my first tour of duty in Vietnam. I was scared out of my mind at first, but
things soon changed. I took my first human life on my eighteenth birthday. There
were many more to follow.
It was as if the whole
world had gone into slow motion and I was, for the first time in my life,
totally in control. I was not with an American unit but was with only one other
American and we formed a team. We lived like animals, off the land, training
Vietnamese malitia and civilians to defend themselves from the Viet Cong
guerilla forces that constantly invaded their villages. It was 1963 and there
were no "Major" American forces to speak of yet in country. We had to set our
minds to act as civilized man no longer acted and we did just
that.
I still see the face
of the first man I killed. In retrospect, at the time, he was as innocent as I
was, but he didn't have the hate, pain and fear that I had bottled up in me
for so many years of not understanding what I was doing wrong and why my family
didn't care for me. It was a very powerful incentive to insure my survival. It
fueled me for both of my tours there. Was I crazy? If I was, it was a good thing
to be at the time.
I arrived home to a
country that hated soldiers for performing the duties we had to perform in that
little known land. I was just proud to be alive and my own people wished me
dead. I had hardened my heart and mind to such an extent that it took me the
better part of twenty years to achieve just a tiny bit of normalcy in my life
and heart but I never did, to this day, ever really return to my homeland. I
found out ways to compensate for my learning shortcomings and educated
myself.
I never married
because I was afraid that I would act towards my children the same way my
father did to me. I never felt true love, as much as I longed for it, because I
couldn't make myself trust anyone but me. I had affairs with many women but none
of them ever could put up with my habits and feelings, or lack of them, for very
long. I took and still take, complete responsibility for my actions then and
now.
It is important for me to know that all my friends understand that,
even though I often "Fade" away into my "Past Personal Reality",
I have always been able to fully return to the present. Even with the
"Fades", I am still fully aware of what I do and say and I never lose
track of what I am capable or incapable of. I have never misrepresented
myself to anyone although I have not always been completely forthcoming
with everything about me.
In my life, I have voluntarily participated in literally everything from
"Extreme Life and Death to Extreme Hedonism" situations. As a result,
I have a very open mind concerning life and people. I always have been,
and hope to always be, willing and able to understand right from wrong
and I will never, ever, impose myself on anyone where I am not wanted.
I am, however, able and willing to share the understanding I have gained
from my experiences in life with my friends whenever they have a need
of understanding. I have NEVER allowed "Rumor or Inuendo" to have any influence on my feelings about anyone or anything in my life. The only things that mean anything to me are what I experience first hand.
I have denied myself any close "Intimacies" as a result of knowing my
limitations from having altered my heart and mind in the past. This is my so
so called "Cross To Bear" and I am content to do so. If or when I lose
my ability to do the above things, and I will know it when or if it happens,
I will leave the internet.
So, there. Now you know more about me than most of you probably
wanted to know. Whether or not you chose to end our friendships is
your choice, but please know this.
Here online, I
found people who treated me with love and friendship and they knew practically
nothing about me but that didn't stop them from caring about me. I didn't feel
that I deserved all that they had done for me but I took what they had to give
with a gratefulness that I had never felt before in my life.
I have made some
"Personal Pages" to honor my friends here online but they deserve so much more
than I can ever give. I've said before that I'm not a religeous man and I live
by my own principals and values, but I respect everyone elses right to
believe in whatever they feel they have to believe in to get them through their
lives. My idea of "Heaven" is that when you do good things in your life, you
will "Forever" live in the hearts and minds of people who know you. My idea of
"Hell" is that you will "Forever" suffer scorn and hatred in the hearts and
minds of those who you have caused to feel pain and sorrow.
My friends here
online.....You have offered me a taste of what I may have otherwise never felt
and I want you all to know that, in my heart and mind, you will live in my
"Heaven" as long as I draw a breath.
Some say that
"Reality" is the negotiation between the observer and the observed. I always
felt that "Reality" was just a "Point of View". I borrowed that saying and
modified it because it always was the way I felt. My friends here online have
changed my "Point of View" more than any other happening in my life and for
that, I am truly grateful.
I have very little now
but whatever I can do for my friends here online, I will gladly do. You have
honored me with your friendship and love and I will never forget
it.
I am, forever yours in
peace and love!!
Michael
Back To SHOOTERS LINKS (Main)
