Story Time With Billy
11-8-01
11-12-01
Christmas Edition
4-12-02
5-13-02
Story Time With Billy: 11-8-01
Story Time With Billy:
One time there was this boy who was born with only one eye, leg, and hand. Naturally, the doctor gave him a prosthetic leg and hook for a hand. Throughout his adolescence, all of the other kids called him Blackjack, Eric the Red Leif, Butt Buccaneer, and other offensive pirate slurs. All of the popular girls joked with him about "hooking" up. He always answered, "Yeah, I'll hook YOU up." Needless to say, he didn't run with the cool crowd, obviously because even if he could run fast, it would still look funny. He always lost at thumb war. He especially sucked at Rock, Paper, Scissors because all of the other kids knew that Rock would always beat Scissors. The kids all assumed that Robin Williams was his favorite actor (Patch Adams, Hook, Bicentennial Man). Well, there's no clear connection between this kid and Bicentennial Man except for the fact that the movie sucked. Any who, thanks to his guidance counselor (and that stupid computer program), the kid always thought that his whole grown up life would be spent raping and pillaging. Currently he is the manager of Pirates of the Caribbean. Who's laughing now?
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Story Time With Billy: 11-12-01
Story Time With Billy:
One time my mother dropped me off at the mall and when I got out of the car a clown on stilts stepped on my lunch box. I exclaimed, "HEY! You steppes on my lunchbox!" He replied, "Well, you see, I'm homeless." I said, "Oh, ok" and proceeded into the mall because he told me there was a sale on lunchboxes. (My new friend, we'll call him Clown for anonymity's sake, accompanied me for this purchase.) As we're walking into Lunchboxes ETC, I noticed the special on George Forman Grills. Clown insisted on a Muhammad Ali Grill, so, I had to go with it. I mean, Clown was an amazing fellow: even though Clown's breath reeked of liquor, he was somehow staying on the stilts. Our next stop was Toys R Us, where I was trying to get Clown to upgrade to a pogo stick. This was a bad idea. You know the feeling when you say something absent-mindedly and you just want to stick your foot in your mouth? Well, listen to this. Turns out that Clown's "stilts" weren't really stilts at all. Clown had extra-long prosthetic legs and apparently he couldn't afford to have them sized. He kept reminding me, "You know what they say about Clowns with oversized prosthetic legs!" He actually thought that sh*t was funny. I was like, "Hey Clown, you're LAME." He thought I was making fun of him for being handicapped and tried to run away. In doing so, he fell over. I would have helped him up (honestly) but it was time for my mom to pick me up and I was pretty hungry.
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Story Time With Billy: Christmas Edition
Story Time With Billy:
One time there was this thief. Not just any thief, but a Christmas Thief. I knew him personally, his name was Cockeyed Sammy. Cockeyed Sammy used to just hang around heavily trafficked areas (i.e. the mall) wearing a Santa suit. He called it his "Sammy Suit." Make no mistake, Cockeyed Sammy was the Anti-Santa. He would run up to families and begin a random conversation like, "Hey, what are you doing?" They would giggle because he had a lazy eye (thus, the name). The giggling provided a long enough diversion that Cockeyed Sammy could steal most of their belongings without them even noticing. This is a prime example of the saying, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade." Life gave Cockeyed Sammy a cocked eye, and he used it as a tool of thievery. Cockeyed Sammy kept on with his thieving ways until he met his match. He came up to a woman who was wearing sunglasses, and was like, "Hey baby, what are you doing?" She replied, "Shopping you idiot. What do you think I'm doing at the mall?" He proceeded trying to steal her things, but then her dog bit his hand off. You see, she was blind, and therefore was not caught off guard by his facial blemish. The police soon came and arrested Cockeyed Sammy. He was charged with dog-knapping and shoplifting. His cellmates had more than a little fun remixing his nickname (just think about it). In the end, Sammy got what was coming to him, just like in Iran or somewhere. You see, their thieves get their hands chopped off too. The moral of the story? Don't mess with blind people.
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Story Time With Billy: 4-12-02
Story Time With Billy:
This weeks story will not be posted. Mainly, because no one has heard from Billy in well
over a month. We have sent out over 30 search parties looking for him and all but one
have failed to return. We hope to soon retrieve Billy and bring you more incoherent
ramblings. Please keep Billy in your prayers, we fear he may have been eaten by a
bear.
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Story Time With Billy: 5-13-02
Story Time With Billy:
One time I was driving my motor vehicle to the store and I was listening to this hip-hop album when I got to a red light. I always love red lights when I'm listening to hip-hop because I have both hands free so I can engage in a dance move (when you're on the street it's called "busting" a move). So I'm at the red light, and after carefully thinking over my repertoire of dance moves (my bag of tricks, if you will), I decided to do this great little number called "raising the roof." So I'm just raising the roof when this nice gentleman with a bandana on his head pulls up next to me and motions to me with his pistol to roll down my window. After I rolled down my window, I was like, "Excuse me sir, can't you see I was busting a move?" What a jerk!! I mean, this guy was interrupting my jig, or my jiggy, or whatever (I always feel so dirty when I say that). Anyways, so this guy answers with, "Hey, you're kind of cute." That's just plain sick, man. I haven't raised the roof since. In fact, I made up this new dance called "lowering the roof." It's kind of catchy. So, the moral of this story is, raising the roof is just plain gay. Don't do it... ever.
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