Jack's Two Cents

11-5-01
11-12-01
Christmas Edition
4-12-02
5-13-02
7-14-02
Jack's Two Cents: 11-5-01
Jack's Two Cents:
Recently, there has been a "dilemma" facing the country. The whole United States is in the look out for anthrax. But really, is anthrax that big of a deal? I mean, how many people have actually been infected? Maybe 100. 100 out of a few billion, that's it. I'll take those chances any day. What the world really needs to be concerned with is the common cold. This virus has been plaguing American's since America's establishment over 200 years ago. The common cold has definitely withstood the test of time, while anthrax is just some new-fangled disease trying to make a name for itself. And even worse than that, the American people are falling right into its trap. Now some people tell me that anthrax can be deadly whereas the common cold usually just comes and goes. These people are absolutely ridiculous. Do they have any idea how much those cough and cold medicines can alter your state of consciousness? It's almost as bad as driving drunk. I mean sure, there hasn't actually been a documented case of a fatal car accident due to cold medicine, but it could happen. And sure, there have been numerous cases of death by anthrax, but have you people ever heard the word, coincidence? So I say to the American people, anthrax shmanthrax. America is in trouble here, but the culprit is not anthrax, it's the not so deadly, deservingly overlooked, and hardly dangerous COMMON COLD. Thank you and good night. ~Jack Clarke
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Jack's Two Cents: 11-12-01
Jack's Two Cents:
In today's society, Americans are indulging themselves more than ever. This rising level of indulgence is contributing to a tremendous growth of stomachs and guts. This indulgence is filling this country with more obese people, more of the chunky, the plump, the fat. In fact, cankles are at an all-time high. "Now, what is the reason for this indulgence?" you ask. I say the prime contributors are the fast food conglomerates that can be found on almost any street corner in America. That's right, McDonald's, Burger King, Chic Fil-a, Wendy's, and even Hardee's (even though no one eats there) are fattening ourselves, our children, our siblings, and our parents. Now, in the quest for knowledge, I decided to do a little undercover work at perhaps the best known and most popular of the fast food restaurants, McDonald's, and what I found was shocking. All of my prior fears and predictions were confirmed. In the back of the McDonald's, I found a gigantic block of foodstuff that appeared to be completely composed of fat (it kinda reminded me of Ben Humphries). After a few hours of observing, I noticed that any and every item on their menu was simply the foodstuff jammed into a mold and then deep-fried. That's right, your chicken mcnuggets, French fries, fish filets, quarter-pounder with cheese, and even mcflurries are simply molded foodstuff. If you think that is bad, be prepared to be even more shocked. As I exited through the back door with a frown on my face and a sinking feeling in my stomach, I saw a Hardee's worker, loading up the old and rotten foodstuff onto their trucks. To say the least, I was repulsed. So, now I leave you, the simple-minded, the gullible, and most importantly, the fat, with a challenge. In order to make America less pudgy, leave your fast-food fetish behind you and indulge in a more civilized and refined institution of eating.... the Waffle House. Thank you and good night.
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Jack's Two Cents: Christmas Edition
Jack's Two Cents:
For years upon years, Christmas has been one of the most celebrated holidays of them all. Christmas is a celebration of the birth of Christ; it is a time for people to get along with their families and enjoy all the good things in the world; it is a time for putting others ahead of yourself; it is a time of giving, singing, and being merry. But honestly, WHO CARES?!? The last thing this world needs is yet another occasion to pretend we all live in this wonderful place where nothing ever goes wrong. I mean, first off, there has been much historical research that says Christ was born closer to July than December. Secondly, after too long a time, family can become quite annoying, especially when you have all those cousins whose primary goal in life is to bother the crap out of anyone and everyone. Thirdly, there is never any reason to put others in front of yourself. I mean, who is the only person that you are 100% guaranteed to know your entire life? Finally, giving is overrated, most carolers suck, and the only way to be truly merry is to be bathing in the back of a limo, in a hot tub, having personal servants bringing you drinks at command, and being on the way to expanding your tremendous fortune another couple million dollars. But I love Christmas. Really I do, and it's because Christmas is a changed holiday. In the past, Christmas has stood for all things that I mentioned up above. Presently, however, in today's fickle society, Christmas has become about the individual, Santa Claus is the poster boy for materialism, and the thought doesn't mean a darn thing if the gift sucks. So, I say throw the old Christmas values in the crapper and give 'em a good strong flush, because it's a new world, and in this world the givers are suckers and they are ripe and ready to be taken advantage of. Well, as much as I'd like to talk some more about Christmas, I need to go hit the Dollar Store and pick up a few cheap gifts for my "loved ones." Bah Humbug.
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Jack's Two Cents: 4-12-02
Jack's Two Cents:
With all the problems facing America today, there is one which far surpasses any other in terms of heinousity. Cartoons. Back in my day, the youth of America was treated to such classics as the Smurfs, Ren and Stimpy, Ninja Turtles, Ghostbusters, and the Super Friends. Nowadays, cartoons have gone straight down the crapper. Children are brutally forced to watch such filth as The Wild Thornberries, Courage the Cowardly Dog, and Pokemon. I mean these corporate dimwits have even taken one of the greats (Batman) and turned it into complete garbage (Batman Beyond). People have even ripped off ideas from already horrendous cartoons and produced things that no child should ever have to watch. So I say throw down your remotes, pick up your phones, and voice your opinions before the corporate morons of the cartoon industry destroy Saturday mornings as we know them. And for those of you who disagree, you can have your Pikachu; I'll take my "Heroes in a half-shell" any day.

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Jack's Two Cents: 5-13-02
Jack's Two Cents:
For this update, I am going to try and tackle one of the most feared topics for any author, and I must warn you that what you read hereafter will terrify you and haunt your dreams until the end of time. I, Jack Clarke, in this update's edition of Jack's Two Cents, am going to analyze Jonathan Banas. First off, I must say that there is no obvious purpose for Banas. He comes around, unwelcome, and says such things as "Dirty, Dirty" and "Wrong!" What these things mean, I will never know. Also, over time, I have noticed that Banas seems to have a thing for younger women. Now, while the Poole & Peevy staff sticks to women no more than one year their minor, Banas has been known to woo those seemingly of pre-pubescent nature. This really was quite baffling to me until further evaluation of Banas when I noticed that girls of his age were far out of his league. Also, concerning women, Banas seems to suffer from a rare and uncommon disease known as WanttobeFid virus. While most self-respecting individuals choose their own unique women to pursue, Banas limits himself to girls that Brian has also once pursued. For the next section of the Banas evaluation, I must inspect his volleyball abilities. Now, in my time playing volleyball witrh Banas, I have discovered that his only ability is to uppercut the ball into the "back corner," and when this shortcoming is pointed out, he threatens to leave because it is "his ball." I've reached the conclusion that the only purpose Banas serves on a volleyball court is to provide a ball for more-athletic, skilled individuals to use. Another strange quality of Banas is his undying love for his Blazer. In fact, I am quite convinced that he has at one point had sexual relations with the Blazer. Now that I have completed my analysis of Banas, I will provide my faithful readers with my own Two Cents about Banas. There is no excuse for Banas. If it were up to me, I'd stick Banas in a cage and throw little pieces of chocolate at him to make him dance. I'd market it as the Horrifying Dancin' Banas. Then, he would have purpose, but as it is, he does not. So, whether you call him Gaybanas, Homobanas, or Hypocrocibanas, just remember, it's still just Banas. Thank you and goodnight.
---Jack Clarke

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Jack's Two Cents: 7-14-02
Jack's Two Cents:

For years upon years, America has acknowledged baseball as its national pastime. Recently, however, certain happenings such as publicized steroid use, potential strike, questionable commissioning, and an All-Star game not only without an MVP, but without a winner at all, have exposed baseball for what it truly is and always has been. In actuality, baseball is not America's most cherished sport, but simply a collection of unathletic, money-hungry criminals that have been taking advantage of the simplicity of the average American mind for far too long. Below is a list of my arguments condemning this sport.

1. One of baseball's all-time greats, Babe Ruth, who at a time held both the record for home runs in a season and in a career, was nothing more than an overweight drunk. Now while I personally admire the Babe in his ability to pursue and attain riches and stardom while under the use of extreme amounts of alcohol, he has no business being called one of America's greatest athletes.

2. Recent admissions to steroid use by many players in order to make a few extra bucks put a damper on the game as a whole. Once again, I find the endeavors of these men respectable in the sense that they are trying to make more money, and money is indeed very, very important (in fact, I cannot even express the importance of money). However, ten years of life, and a loss in the effectiveness and size of your Wang is not a sacrifice any man should make.

3. Bud Selig...well, actually, Selig is nothing more than a money and power hungry asshole, so he is my role model.

All in all, what I've basically discovered is that baseball has finally shown its true face, and it is one that only a mother could love, so I say throw away your baseball cards, sell your season tickets, and turn to a sport with nothing but upstanding individuals....NBA Basketball.

Thank you and Good Nite.
---Jack Clarke

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