News: 7-14-02
News Flash:
Pledge of Allegience: No More
Senior News Correspondent Dean Poole
In recent weeks there has been a major issue in today's news. The decision by the Supreme Court that saying the Pledge of Allegiance in a public school is unconstitutional. It was decided that the Pledge is a violation of Seperation of Church and State. Many feel that this choice is ridculous and should be appealed, but others are beginning to think maybe the decision isn't so bad. Due to lack of gas, my interviews were limited to the staff of Poole & Peevy Inc. Nolan Peevy stated, "I believe that the Pledge is an American tradition that shouldn't be broken. This decision is ridiculous." Our copy boy, Trey Burns had a difference of opinion, "If the Supreme Court says it's wrong... then it's wrong." I felt that only two people's opinions weren't enough, so I questioned Jack Clarke on the ordeal. Here is a transcript of the interview:
Me: "Hey Jack, thanks for doing this. What are your feelings on this subject."
Jack: "Well, first let me say thanks for having me. I feel this is an outrage. The Supreme Court is making a terrible mistake here. This has been going on for ages and now they want to take it away from us. What in the hell?"
Me: "Yes, I can see your point. But they say that the Pledge of Allegiance is directly in violation of Seperation of Church and State."
Jack: "Pledge of Allegiance? I thought this was the interview about the legalization of marijuana."
Me: "No, thats next week."
Jack: "Oh... well then.... Pledge of Allegiance, huh? Um... sure, whatever, I'm all for it."
Me: "Ok... thanks for your time."
So apparently there are many opinions on the matter. In the next few months we will see what comes from this decision. We'll keep you updated on the situation.
Stock News:
Whore Depot
Senior Wall Street Correspondent Jack Clarke
Recently, many esteemed members of our community have lost , hundreds, or even thousands of dollars due to the recent plummet in the worth of Home Depot stock. the speculated reason for this plummet is that even under favorable conditions, Home Depot's sales have remained constant while the sales of leading competitor Lowe's have risen an astounding 7 percent. In order to try and keep up with Lowe's as well as pull its stock out of the gutter, Home Depot has expanded its services to include prostitution. In order to take a closer look at the recent development, I went out into the field and conducted an interview with the low-level employee, Cleetus McKracken, who had this to say, "Thems believen' the whores may helps the bad times we's a havin herre."All in all, Home Depot believes that the unbeatable combination of prostitutes and power tools is just too much for any man to resist. Expect to see a drastic rise in both sales and stock worth in the near future.
International News:
Dirty Bomb
School News Correspondent Nolan Peevy
Early in the month of June, officials shocked the American public with news demonstrating the ongoing threat of terrorism. According to the report a joint operation with th CIA and FBI were able to thwart an additional terrorist attack. The suspect apprehended had planned to detonate a small nuclear device, dubbed a dirty bomb. While attention to this case had died down in recent weeks, I was shocked when a reliable leak informed me that the investigation is still ongoing. Officials believe the suspect had cooperation with a possible terrorist operating a sleeper cell in our very own Dacula. Who would do something this wrong? Who would do something this "dirty?" Authorities believe the answer lies in leader of this cell, a young man named Jonahad Banasoui. Trained to sneak his way into social settings, Banasoui is believed to be extremely deceptive and threatening. If you can information concerning this dangerous man, please contact Poole and Peevy Inc.
