Planning your special day....
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Let’s make your special day a joyous sacred occasion! I am an experienced Minister, legally certified in WV and NC and am familiar with weddings, handfastings and other life transition ceremonies. I specialize in nondenominational spiritual rituals and will also perform legal secular marriages, renewal of vows and commitment ceremonies for life partners. Don’t know whether you should be married or handfasted? Click Click here for a short explanation of the difference.
A handfasting or wedding is more than cords, candles and joyous celebration. It is a serious commitment made in love and trust before Divinity. It marks a transition that is both sacred and full of obligations. I do not join two people lightly. This Ritual forms a bond between people that is not only emotional, physical and spiritual but also financial; with accompany responsibilities to each other. Before I consider joining two people in the ceremony of their choice, I require at least two consultations, as I believe this is a very serious step, weather legal wedding or spiritual handfasting, and should be taken in a responsible manner.
I will also officiate at other transitional rituals, such as memorial, adulthood, seasonal celebrations and others.
It is important to plan well ahead, so contact me as soon as you begin your planning! I am frequently available on weekends and on some weekdays during the summer. Depending on how far away you are and how elaborate the ceremony, prices vary from $75 - $200.
These questions will help you think seriously about becoming married and give me information to work with. The first section is basic information, the second is full of the nuts and bolts questions of marriage and the last involves the beautiful ceremony you want to plan.
1. Your names?
2. Date for the ceremony?
3. Do you want to be handfasted or legally married in the eyes of the law?
4. How old are each of you?
5. How long have you been seriously seeing each other?
6. Are you both single now?
7. Have either of you been married or handfasted before?
8. Have you taken care of all the legal paperwork?
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The following are a few questions for you to consider together, talk over and answer honestly. Living a life together is a serious commitment and should be treated as such. It is not important that you talk with me about them, although I am available for counsel. It is important, however, that you discuss these with each other.
Communication
Do you and your partner honestly, calmly and frequently discuss your feelings and desires? Practical matters? Do you let them know as soon as you are unhappy about an event? Have you made your expectation clear to your partner? Conflict is inevitable, how will you resolve difficult disagreements?
Family: Children and In-laws
Do you want to have children? If so, how many and when? What do you plan to do if an unplanned pregnancy occurs? How will having children affect your careers, home responsibilities, recreation, finances and lifestyle? Have you thought of fertility problems or adoption? How do you plan on disciplining your children? How much a part of your life are your parents and siblings? How much time and involvement are you planning to have after marriage? Will your parents stay with you when they are older?
Finances
Can you bring up and talk calmly about money matters? Have you worked on a household budget? Can you afford the plans and things you want? Do you have plans to maintain and increase your finances? Who will pay for which expenses? Have you discussed obtaining big expense items? Vacations? Vehicles and home? If you are in debt now, what is your plan for getting out of it? What of retirement and investments?
Careers
Do each of you have a solid reliable job with benefits? If not, do you have plans to begin one soon? If one of you will not be working, is that alright with the other and can your household afford this arrangement? Are you comfortable with what the other is doing to make a living? Is there additional training or school in the future? How much impact will your careers have on your home life? Will you have time for vacations and family events?
Sex
Are you both comfortable physically loving the other and do your desires mesh harmoniously? Can you discuss openly, feeling safe with the other, what you want from your sexual relationship? What makes you uncomfortable? Have you discussed sexual frequency, preferences, fantasies, masturbation, pornography and other expectations? How will you deal with differences in desire and the cycle of intensity? How much is enough and how much is too little? Are you both healthy or does one or both have STDs?
Responsibility Division
Who fixes dinner and who does dishes? Who is responsible for the yard and house upkeep? House cleaning? Laundry? Are your separate definitions of “clean” similar? Who maintains vehicles and other equipment? If children are involved, who sees they are fed, clean, taken to games and events, spends quality time with them and attends to their health? Toilette seat up or down?
Health and drugs
Do you drink or use other recreational drugs? Do you use illegal drugs? Do you use tobacco? What is the frequency and does the use negatively affect the person’s personality, career, emotions and interaction with others? Are you both comfortable with this? Is health a major concern? Will there be an emphasis on nutrition, exercise and fitness?
Spiritual beliefs
Do you share a similar spiritual path? If different, have both come up with compromises for practices, beliefs and celebrations? How important is it that the other has differences from yours? Do you understand and respect each other’s beliefs? How will the children be raised within these beliefs?
Others in our relationship
How much time to you spend with friends away from your partner and is this comfortable for both? How socially involved do you want to be? How often would you like to go out with friends? Are you planning for an open marriage with multiple partners, or monogamy? If polyamorous, have guidelines and boundaries been firmly set and understood by both partners? Are both of you comfortable with these decisions?
What does the future hold?
What are your plans for 5 years? 10? 20? Have long range plans been made to get you where you want to be?
Why get married?
Why have you decided marriage and why now? Have you grown to know and love your partner for whom they are and not whom you want them to be? Why do you want to choose this person above all others to be your partner? Have both of you expressed clearly what this step means to you and how you see it changing your relationship? Have you discussed the ceremony and the important symbolism, ritual and words you personally want to include?
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1. How many people will be attending?
2. Do you want others involved in the ceremony? If so… who are they and what do you see them attending to?
3. What parts would you like included in your special day and do you have any specific ideas or already written script?
4. Where will the Ceremony be held? Is it big enough for the attendees and if outside is there a rain location?
5. Have practices for the Ceremony been set and can all involved attend?
6. Do you have on hand all the necessary items, supplies and tools for the Ceremony?
7. Do you have an outline of the Ceremony available for those involved?
8. Do you have all legal paper work in order and filed?
There are parts of the ceremony itself that are traditionally included and others that some couples decide to incorporate or not. Other touches are purely from the hearts and spirits of those involved and are not of part of any widely known ritual. All of these are valid and respected.
These are some of the more traditional parts of a handfasting. For more details about each click here.
General welcome to guests and participants
Making and Releasing Sacred Space
Calling and Releasing the Directions
Calling and Thanking Divinity
Binding the Hands
Vows
Cakes and Ale
Present the couple to the gods and community
Many parts are chosen to be included by some couples; others chose not to include them. A part may call strongly to individual; others may not be drawn to it at all. More details about these parts are here.
Cleansing the couple
Blessing the Hands
Ancestor Candles
Honoring Parents
Two into One candle
Rings
Sharing of wine/water
Blessing of the Community
Jumping the Broom
Traditional Elements of a Handfasting
General welcome to guests and participants
Why are we here? Why handfasting? Why have they decided on this ceremony at this point?
Making and Releasing Sacred Space
Smudging
Usually with white sage, often with what ever resin or herb mixture the couple decides on. Each member may be smudged as they enter, the circle can be generally smudged or the area can be smudged before any arrive.
Circle Casting
Can be done before participants arrive with a door left for their entry which is then sealed behind the last one, or it can be done around the entire party. A sword, Athame or wand can be used or any other item special to the couple. Words such as “Here is the boundary of our Sacred Circle, naught but love shall enter in, naught but love shall emerge from within, guard this by your powers, Old Ones.” are usually spoken. The circle is taken down at the end of the ceremony before participants leave.
Calling and releasing Elements and Directions
Traditionally we recognize East, South, West and North. Often Center is included and sometimes Above and Below, depending on the particular Pagan path the couple follows. Often candles are lit as the Direction is called. This is one of the areas the individuality of the couple comes into play. Although each Direction is associated with certain aspects, the couple chooses what is most important to them to call on. At the end of the ceremony, the Directions are thanked and released and the candles blown out.
East: intellect, thought, inspiration, clarity, communication, vision, wisdom, breath, freedom, imagination
South: passion, sexuality, transformation, motivation, energy, light, courage
West: dreams and unconscious, love, compassion, intuition, understanding, forgiveness, health, nurturing, trust
North: stability, prosperity, strength, empathy
Center: spirit, divinity, harmony, balance, community
Calling and Thanking Divinity
There are as many ways of perceiving Divinity as there are Pagan paths—a lot! Again, the couple decides how they want this to weave in. Usually Divinity is called in the form of Goddess and God and they are asked to bless the union. Often candles (red for the Goddess, green for the God) are lit as they are welcomed. At the end of the ceremony, Divinity is thanked and the candles blown out.
Goddess: acknowledging the aspects and characteristics of the female divine; Maiden, Mother and Crone; celebration, creation, wisdom
God: acknowledging the aspects and characteristics of the male divine; Youth, Father and Sage; protector of the wild, lover and creator, wise and loving
Binding the Hands
Depending on the couple’s desire, they may actually have their wrists bound together for a day and a night, or, more commonly, loosely bound, then the tied cord slipped off and laid on the altar. This is a symbol, not of servitude or eternal bonding, but of their conscious decision to join their paths. Either or both can break the bonds of their handfasting: the magic lies not in the ropes or satin cords, but in their hearts.
Vows
Almost all handfastings include vows. Often they are created by the couple and spoken to each other. They reflect what is most in their hearts, what the other means to them, what they look forward to, the joy and journey ahead. This is the part of the ceremony where they are each asked by the officiant if they accept the other as mate and partner.
Cakes and Ale
The couple blesses the Cakes (anything from ginger snaps to rich moist homemade spice cake) and Ale (can be water, juice, wine, mead…), feed each other, and it is passed around the circle with the traditional words, “May you never thirst…” “May you never hunger…”
Present to the Gods and Community
This consists of formally presenting the two, now as a joined handfasted couple, to Divinity and then to their chosen community.
Additional Elements of a Handfasting
Cleansing the couple
Sometimes they are smudged or a broom is used to sweep away all past hurts and history, so they enter this partnership without the baggage and hurt form previous relationships.
Ancestor Candles
Sometimes the couple wants to honor those who have come before; the ones in their own lives and families who have made it possible for them to be who they are. This can be done simply by saying a few words from the heart and lighting a candle. The flame stands in the place of those ancestors and can open a window for them to be present.
Honoring Parents
This can be birth parents, adoptive parents or any who were instrumental in raising the couple and giving their energy and time. Again, words simply spoken from the heart can be eloquent and emotional. A candle may be lit, a flower may be given, or any other action that feels appropriate to the couple.
Blessing of the Elements
This usually takes the form of sacred altar items. Each is held over the couple, or touched to each of them or passed to them as they are blessed by the Element.
Air: Wand, power of mind
Fire: Athame, will
Water: Chalice, desire
Earth: Pentacle, steadfastness
Spirit: Cauldron, Divinity, community
Challenge of the Elements
Often based on the couple’s own knowledge of the problems they will face in joining their paths. Each has characteristics and reactions that may be harmful to the union and they recognize them and face them, making a public vow in front of their partner to work on them. An example would be a challenge from East to communicate openly, honestly and frequently.
Two into One Candles
Sometimes couples enjoy the visual significance of flames becoming one. Usually each has chosen a candle of their own, representing themselves, the color, shape, design unique, but it should be a candle that can be held and moved. They each light their own. Then, in silence, or with a very few words, they take their own candle and at the same time light the wick of a third they have chosen together. They put their candles down on each side of the newly lit one. This does not symbolize two individuals becoming one person; instead the still lit candles represent they are still two different people, and the combined one the new path they have chosen to walk together.
Blessing the Hands
Before the couple’s hands are bound, they are sometimes blessed. This is a place the couple can set forth their expectations of the union and what they have to give the other.
Rings
All things are cyclic and some couples chose to physically represent their love and commitment for each other by an exchange of rings. Others feel rings are unnecessary or symbolize property to them. This is up to the couple’s feelings and desire.
Sharing of Water/Wine
Some choose to bless and share water with each other.
Blessing of the Community
At some point, the officiant may turn to those assembled and ask if they accept the couple and their commitment to each other and if they will support and nurture the union.
Jump the Broom
The couple first, then the rest of those attending. It is an ancient blessing signifying their beginning journey together.
The way I and many others use the terms “wedding “and “handfasting” distinguishes commitment ceremonies that have a legal aspect (weddings) with those that do not (handfastings). Both celebrate two people who choose to join paths with the knowledge and support of their community.
Some people chose to be handfasted because they can not legally be married in the eyes of the law, such as same sex couples. There are many other reasons some may choose handfasting over marriages however. The best example of the need for handfastings is made beautifully clear in the case of Joan and Paul.
Well into their 60’s, they and their spouses had been fast friends for many years, their kids, then their grandkids, growing up together. When their partners died, they moved in together to share expenses and a deep romance based on a long friendship developed. Yet, they could not marry. Legally, she would lose medical benefits as well as other forms of financial income.
They contacted me and I was honored to perform their handfasting. Surrounded by family and friends, she wearing a white lace dress and he in a tux, they said vows they and written for each other and exchanged rings. Their vows were so different than the young and middle aged couples I have officiated for. When they looked back on their lives and then to the future together, their feelings and thoughts were so very wise and honest…
She took his hand and talked about a long life full of love and happiness, kids and family, then she looked into his eyes and said, “But I choose to watch the sunset with you.” He took her other hand and spoke about his career and watching his kids grow and have families of their own, caring for his wife in the last years, then looked so softly at her and said, “But I will enjoy the beauty of our sunset with you.”
Yeah… Try not crying in the middle of that ceremony. Was hard, but the minister is always supposed to be in control of herself. I cried later… a lot.
There are many reasons why a couple, who have a choice at all, may choose to be handfasted instead of legally married, this is only one.