My rather pointless little fic from Heidegger’s point of view…
By me, Crunchbucket
Basically, very little is happening on the list FF7 wise as we’re waiting for Barret’s bit, so I’m adding a little retarded thing from Heidegger’s point of view about life in the Shinra building. It’s 11pm, I’m on a caffeine high, and if you don’t like it you can shove it up your collective asses. So nyar. Oh yeah? Come and say that to my face, punk? Yo’ momma! You heard me!
Ermm… ahem. On with the story.
Shinra building, 66th floor. All the
Shinra execs (Palmer, Heidegger, Reeve, but no Scarlet) are listening to
one of the president’s ‘inspirational’ speeches. Over to our hero!
“God, how mind-numbingly tedious. Stupid president. Stupid speeches. Blah blah, “control the world with money,” blah blah “This is important for the future of the company,” blah blah “prostitutes.” Why can’t he lecture us about something interesting? Like, um, pretty pink flowers? Now THERE’S an interesting topic! Oh well, at least this gives me a chance to develop my Evil Laugh ™. Now, let’s see. Bwah ha ha? Nope. Kyah ha ha? Taken. La la la? Too fruity. Give it to Rufus. Bla ha-GYAHH!!!!!!!!”
The last sound was yelled loudly as hot coffee spilled into my lap, followed by a sullen “oops,” from Scarlet, who was still whining about her job as coffee maker and office slut (Really. Even the pot plants had had her, including the holly bush on the 38th floor.)
“Dropped it.” She said without a hint of regret in her voice. “I’ll get you another one.” She walked out of the room. I was sure I heard the sound of someone spitting in a hot beverage, but it didn’t really matter. I had no intention of ever drinking Shinra brand mako coffee, it tasted like mud, and, well, Palmer drank it all the time, and look at him. I looked over at the fat executive.
“Tra la la!” Palmer sang, “I’m such a happy little bunny!”
“Sit down, fat man,” Scarlet sneered.
“Hey-hey, don’t say fat!” replied Palmer.
I shuddered and set the coffee down untouched. I didn’t care in the slightest about it anyway, as I had just discovered my Evil Laugh ™.
“Gya ha ha!!” I tried it out, “GYA HA HAAAAAA!!!!”
“Wow, you’re sounding evil today, Heidegger!” said Rufus as he bounced into the room. “That really turns me on!”
“Go away.” I frowned, disgustedly. “The only reason we keep you around is so we can make yaoi jokes about you, and I’m really not in the mood right now. Leave. And take the decayed ferret on your head with you.”
Rufus ran out of the room, sobbing.
“Meanies!”
“Tra la la!” Palmer yelled, leaping on to the table and doing the Fat Man Dance™. “My drink is here! With sugar and milk and LARD! Yummy yummy lard!”
Then the spirit of Cid Highwind appeared.
“SIT DOWN AND DRINK YOUR GODDAM TEA!!!!” he yelled. Then he disappeared.
“Anyway, as I was saying, blah blah blah,” continued the president.
(“God, does he ever shut up?”) I thought to myself, as I prepared myself for another hour of the president’s aimless rambles. However, he was interrupted by none other than the peace-loving hippie kid, Reeve.
“B-but…” Reeve whined, fiddling with the flower garland around his neck, “Why are we controlling people? It’s just wrong! Why can’t we spread peac-“
The president sighed audibly and clicked his fingers. Reno entered, followed by a salivating Rufus. Reno seized Reeve and carried him off under his arm to the “Reprogramming and Evil yet cute robot design room.” Rufus followed them both out, still drooling. I could tell that look in his eyes. It meant “Two bishounen at once!”
“Now Reeve is gone, can I have a job?” Scarlet said hopefully from her corner of the office as she lit a cigarette.
“…I suppose so…” The president replied, though I saw a look of panic flash through his eyes. “But first, you’re going to have to start wearing CLOTHES.”
Scarlet looked down and examined her attire.
“I think you’ll find a peephole bra and a G-string come under the category of the clothes, Mr Smart Ass!” (Author’s note-anyone else surprised that Scarlet is wearing a bra? I am!)
“I mean clothing that covers more than one cubic inch of your body,” the president replied, cooly. “Now, what should I put an evil, deranged bitch like you in charge of?”
“Weapon’s development, sir?” I suggested.
“Excellent idea, Heidegger! You shall be in charge of the developing and using the most dangerous weaponry known to man, despite the fact that you’ll probably get PMS and blow up Sector Four in a temper.”
I noticed a homicidal expression crossing Scarlet’s face as she ran off to get changed.
“Well, seeing as there are only two other executives present, I suppose giving my speech is pointless,” sighed the president. “Meeting adjourned.”
Palmer bounced out, singing something about lard. I turned to go, but then I heard faint sobs from behind me.
(“Oh God,”) I sighed inwardly, “(Not again!”)
“What’s wrong, Mr President?” I said, turning around casually to face the sobbing head of Shinra Inc.
“Oh Heideggy…” The president said through loud sobs. “I couldn’t possibly bother you with my troubles…”
(“Stay calm, don’t laugh, don’t laugh, don’t laugh…”) “…Your pain is my pain, sir.”
“*sniff* , really?”
“Yes. (“SHUDDER! Better get a REALLY big promotion for this.”) Now come sit on uncle Heidegger’s knee and tell him all your-GYAHH!!!!!!” I yelled in agony as the large man sat on my burnt, painful, lap heavily and blew his nose on my shirt.
“That’s it sir (“Goddam, I’m gonna be sick,”) Let it all out (”I’d better get a really, REALLY big promotion for this”) Now, what seems to be the problem? (“Like I CARE.”)”
“Oh Heideggy… sniff, bawl It’s Rufus. He told me he was gay this morning.”
“Sir, he’s been gay since the age of six. You’ve known for fifteen years.”
“*SOB! Hyuk hyeeerrk, sob, WHAAAAAAA!!!*”
“Errr…now now, there there. That can’t be all of your troubles. (“ PLEASE let that be all of your troubles, PLEASE…”)”
“*Hyerk* well… sniff no one wanted to listen to my speech…”
“(“Oh God,”) Don’t worry sir. (“I’m going to have to say it…”) I was very interested in your speech! (“I’m going to have to tell him I want to hear it,”) I want to hear it sir, (“I’m gonna get sent to hell for lying…”) Why don’t you tell the rest of the speech to me?”
“Oh Heideggy!” The president leapt from my lap, his eyes shining, “How wonderful! I’ll pick up where I left off. Blah blah blah blah… “
(“Oh GOD…”) I moaned to myself as the president began to drone…
DA END