TODAY ON ASK FUJIN: ASSERTING AUTHORITY

Fujin: GREETINGS. *Applause sighn lights, but there is no applause*

Raijin: *next to her on stage* Aww, she's doin' it again, ya know? Just talk normal!

Fujin: Why are you even on the set? *bitchy* Damnit, I earned this show and there's no way in hell you're gonna screw it up! Do you hear me!? Just sit down and shut up!

Raijin: And Fujin gives her first advice of the show! *Applause sign lights, and the audience erupts into clapping*

Fujin: RAGE! *kick!* FIRST LETTER!!!

Dear Fujin,
Help! I want to tell this guy I ~like~ *giggle giggle!* him but I don't know how!!!! You've had problems like this, so I thought you could help!!!!
Lonely Heart

 

Fujin: RAGE!!! *beet red* IMPLYING, WHAT? *laughter from the audience*

Raijin: Um, I think she's talking about your crush on-

Fujin: *knees Raijin in the crotch* Dear Lonely, fuck off. Next.

Raijin: *falsetto* That's... not... advice.. ya... know...

Fujin: NEXT!!!

Dear Fujin,
Why doesn't UC ever answer her e-mail?
Moron who wants to hear from UC

 

Fujin: *groan* Okay, UC, I get it. You're stuffing the letter box again, aren't you? Look, I'm not here to play Devil's Advocate and explain why you don't care enough to mail your loser friends. Have the balls to do it yourself. That's my advice.

UC: *sitting behind stage, eating a box full of powdered doughnuts and listening to the Chrono Cross soundtrack* I just don't have the time, okay? *breaks into sobs*

Fujin: UGH. NEXT.

Dear Fujin,
You're so mean! Ya should stop kickin' your friend, ya know?
Anonymous (ya know?)

 

Fujin: *sigh*

Raijin: Um... yeah! Ya should do what that anonymous letter says, ya know? It's good advice!

Fujin: *kicks Raijin* MORON. NEXT.

Dear Fujin,
... ... ... ... ... ... ...?
Surge

 

Fujin: You've got quite the problem there. Well, it's probably not worth the effort it would take to work it out. I'm advising suicide.

Raijin: *horror* FUJIN!!!!

Fujin: Would you wanna be trapped in an ending where you end up with Leena?

Raijin: Well... it can't be much worse than being best friends with you, ya kn-

Fujin: RAGE!!! *kick* NEXT.

Dear Fujin,
Booyaka! How many licks DOES it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
Lucie Fur

 

Fujin: ...I'll get the holy gasoline, you get the fire crosses. ((Note: Fujin and Raijin have converted from Shintoism to Almasism.))

Raijin: Hey, it's almost the end of the show! You know what that means!

Fujin: ...NO. WHAT?

Raijin: Our call-in guest!

Fujin: *groan* (I am killing my agent.) FINE. HELLO?

Mystery Guest: Whassssssuuuuuupppppp!?

Fujin: RAGE!

Mystery Guest: My name is... wait, we're not supposed to use our real names? Okay, call me HELLrasier. Okay, Dear Fujin, Why can't I ever seem to get a hot dog?

Fujin: (Finally, a serious problem!) Dear Chicken-Wuss...

Hellraiser: WHAT DID YOU... HOW DID YOU KNOW...!?!

Fujin: SILENCE! DIAGNOSIS! RAGE! Now... about "hot dogs." How important are they to you?

Hellraiser: Oooohhhh! Hot dogs rock all! I'd do anything to get some! Sometimes, when I'm eating with Squall, I get this urge to just... take his!

Fujin: *raises an eyebrow* REALLY... Have you considered asserting yourself and asking him to share his hot dog with you?

Hellraiser: OH yeah, all the time! Except... he won't share! And it makes me so mad 'cause if Rinoa asks he'll-

Fujin: THANK YOU, Hellraiser, but it looks like we're about out of time! Fujin Says: The moral of the story is that FF8 yaoi is founded on false principles.

Hellraiser: Wha...? Hey, I didn't mean-

Fujin: THANK YOU! GOD! HANG, ALREADY!

*click!* ..........