Ask Fujin-- "PROZAC WHERE?!" Sasha Janre 2001

Before the show:

Fujin: RAGE!

Seifer: Oh, what now, Fujin?

Raijin: Maybe it's that time of the month, ya know?

Fujin: RAGE!!!!!!! *kick*

Raijin: *clutching knee* Heeey, that hurts a lot ya know?!

Seifer: *sighs* That was the point, idiot. Fujin, the director of the show says that you have to have a co-host for today's episode.

Fujin: EXPAND. EXPLINATION NOW!

Seifer: I'm getting there Fuj. *sighs* It seems you need someone that doesn't piss you off continually in order to ensure the safety of the crew.

Raijin: You killed another crew member? That's the fourth time this week, ya know?

Fujin: RAGE! *kicks Raijin in the other knee*

Raijin: PAIN YA KNOW?! *collapses to the ground holding his knee*

Seifer: -/.- (I am surrounded by idiots....Hyne, kill me now...)

Fujin: INQUIRE. WHO?

Seifer: *reads the sheet that was stuffed in his pocket* Irvine Kinneas.

Fujin: *shocked into normal speech* KINNEAS?! They chose that perverted cowboy to be my co-host?!

Seifer: Yep. He's due here in about an hour. Unless he scribbled this wrong. *finds out that Raijin changed the letters* Raijin! I should've seen that this was his writing....you're co-host is--

Fujin: KINNEAS NOT? RELIEF.

Seifer: You're telling me. As I was saying, your co-host is. . .Squall Leonhart. Oh goodie, Puberty boy is going to be on this show.

Squall: *was seemingly standing there for a while* I. Am. NOT. Puberty. BOY.

Seifer: *jumps five feet into the air* Crap! How long were you standing there Leonhart?!

Squall: . . . .since you started talking.

Seifer: *lets out a deep sigh* Then you know. You're Fujin's co-host. And please tell me you didn't bring Rinoa.

Rinoa: *is seen running around with a bag of ho-ho's* Squaaaaaalllllll!!!!! Where did you go? You just left me at Garden!!!!!!!

Squall: . . .whatever.

Fujin: FATIGUE.

Raijin: Yeah, it gets annoying listening to her, ya know?

Seifer: You of all people should not be deciding what is annoying and what isn't, Raijin.

Raijin: Say what? I didn't get that, ya know?

Fujin: IDIOT! INSULT! *fumes*

Raijin: You insulted me?! That hurt Seifer, a lot ya know??!!

Seifer: (I really am surrounded by morons) Squall, the letters are in that large sack over there.

Squall: . . . so?

Fujin: SQUALL. READ LETTERS.

Squall: -.\- Do I have to?

Fujin: AFFIRMATIVE.

Squall: . . .whatever.

Raijin: Doesn't he say anymore than 'whatever' ya know? That's a speech impediment, ya know??

Seifer: You should talk. *before Raijin can say anything* Squall, we're on in fifteen. Get your Lionheart butt ready by then.

Squall: *opens mouth*

Seifer: *dangerously* Don't start Leonhart.

Squall: *shuts mouth*

Raijin: "Don't start Leonhart" That rhymes ya know?! That's cool that you can rhyme Seifer, real poetic, ya know?

Fujin: RAGE! *kicks Raijin*

Squall: . . . .I'm going to go to my room. *leaves*

Seifer: All of you! Go to your *censor beep* rooms and *censor again* get ready!

All: o_O;; Sir *run off to respective rooms*

Zell: *who runs by dressed normally* Yo Seif!

Seifer: What the hell are you doing, Dincht? You're the *censor beep* Janitor. And what the *censor* is that *censor once more* censor *beep* hiding?!

Zell: It's my break *raspberry* So I'm going to the cafeteria to get a hot dog. Rinoa's my substitute. *runs off*

Seifer: Now we're screwed. Rinoa has the mind of a mop, much less the intellegence to use one. Now, where the *censor beep* is that little mother *beep*? *looks around*

Censor guy: *hides behind a large CENSOR sign*

Fujin: *walks back out*

Seifer: Where are ya hidin', ya little *censor beep*?

Fujin: SEIFER? INQUIRE ACTIVITY.

Seifer: A little mother *beep* censor is *beeeeeeep* hiding and I want to kick his scrawny little *beep*!

Fujin: CENSOR? KILL! *readies Shruiken*

Seifer: That's my girl! *yells* where the *beeeeeeeeeeep* are ya Censor?

Censor: *from his hiding place* SOMEWHERE!

Fujin: MARCO?

Censor: POLO!

Fujin: *walks around a little further* MARCO?

Censor: *voice getting closer* POLO!

Fujin: *is right at the large CENSOR sign* MARCO FOUND.

Censor: EEP! *looks up at Fujin with large eyes* I'm SORRY!

Seifer: You *beep* be. *deathglares* Stop doing that!

Censor: NO! I am paid to keep this show PG!

Seifer: *shocked* Our show is PG? I would've thought it was higher like that. Maybe 14A or something. With all the 'stuff' that happens around here anyway.

Fujin: SHOCK. CENSOR. DESTORY.

Seifer: *evil grin* Yeah. . .

Censor: *squeal of fear* Uhhhhhhhhhhh, I just remembered that South Park wants to meet me at four! BYE! *runs off*

Fujin: CONFUSED.

Seifer: South Park eats Censors for breakfast. Ah, the little *beep* deserved it. Okay, who the *beep* is doing that?!

Raijin: *from the sound room* I'm doin' what he said, ya know? Gotta keep it clean, ya know? You two are on with Leonhart in 1 minute, ya know?

Seifer: Hyne, Kill me now.

Fujin: NEGATIVE. SEIFER. MINE.

Seifer: *Grins* Posessive Fujin. Hehe. *walks off with her to the stage*

ASK FUJIN-- "PROZAC WHERE?!"

Squall: . . .welcome to ASK FUJIN. The show where you ask questions and she shoots you down faster than Irvine in a room full of girls.

Irvine: *in audience* HEY MAN! SO, LIKE, THAT WAS A CHEAP SHOT!

Squall: . . .whatever. *continues* Today, we see how much we can piss Fujin off with the worst bunch of letters collected during the day.

Seifer: *comes out pulling Fujin who is kicking and screaming after learning the title of the show* Help me out here Puberty boy. She's stubborn.

Squall: . . .I am not Puberty boy. >_\<

Seifer: RAIJIN!

Raijin: Yeah Seifer? What do you want, ya know? I'm here to help, ya know?

Seifer: Shut up and help me get Fujin on the stage.

Raijin: Sir ya know? *forces Fujin into her seat*

Fujin: RAGE! DESTORY ALL!

Squall: . . .whatever. Our first letter---

Fujin: SILENCE!

Squall: . . .no. Is from Timber, Galbadia:

Dear Fujin-sama

I was just wondering, do you know why I don't get any boys?

Confused Girl

Fujin: Yes I do. You're as ugly as a disgruntled Chocobo and then some. NEXT!

Raijin: Hey, that was harsh, ya know?

Seifer: Probably true though.

Squall: . . .whatever. Next letter.

Dear Seifer (ask fujin, i know i know)

I LOVE YOU! WILL YOU GO OUT WITH ME?! YOU'RE SOOOOO SEXY AND I JUST WANT TO FEEL YOU ALL OVER!

Sincerely, SeiferLover69

Seifer: o/_O;; That is just plain disturbing. Fujin?

Fujin: RAGE! *kicks SeiferLover69*

Raijin: *winces* That was a hard one, ya know?

Squall: . . .whatever. The next one comes from Balamb Garden--

Seifer: This one should be interesting. . .

Raijin: Can't be more interesting than the last one, ya know?

Seifer: Shut up before your head rolls on the ground.

Raijin: *Frightened yelp*

Squall: . . .here's the letter:

Dear Fuu-fuu

You really should tell Seifer not to threaten his friend, ya know? It's not nice, ya know? Really mean ya know? I know you know, ya know?

Signed, APOLOGY WANTED (ya know?)

Fujin: RAIJIN. EXPLAIN.

Raijin: Hey, what makes you think I wrote that ya know?

Seifer: Yeah, it was extremely difficult to pick him out of all the possible people that could've said that. It might've been Selphie.

Raijin: That's right ya know?

Seifer: (What. A. Moron!)

Fujin: RAIJIN! RAGE! *kicks him hard*

Raijin: *falls to the ground wailing in pain*

Squall: . . .wuss. The next letter is from Trabia.

Raijin: *weakly* Didn't........think......they......ya know......could......send mail......from Trabia....ya.....know?

Seifer: Well they can. So shut up.

Fujin: SEIFER CORRECT.

Seifer: *Grins* I know. I always am.

Squall: *under his breath* Yeah right.

Seifer: WHAT was that, Leonhart?

Squall:. . . nothing. As I said, the next letter:

Dear Fujin (my looooove!)

I was wondering, if Peter Piper could pick a peck of pickled peppers, how many pickled peppers did Peter Piper pick? And is there such a thing as a Pickled Pepper? And what's a Peck of Pickled Peppers?

Signed, SnowBunny

Fujin: IDIOTIC. PECK NON EXISTANT. PLAY ON WORDS.

Seifer: In other words, you have way too much time on your hands if you feel the driving need to analyze some stupid tongue twister.

Fujin: AFFIRMATIVE! *smiles at Seifer brilliantly* ^_#

Seifer: *smiles back* NEXT!

Squall: *muttering* Yes master. *normally* This letter comes from Deling City.

Raijin: Wonder if it's from Martine, ya know? Or General Caroway, ya know?

Fujin: SILENCE! LETTER READ.

Squall: . . .whatever.

Dear Fujin (insert last name here)

Heey, I was wondering if you could ask Squall to talk to me! He hasn't said anything to me and I've known him for a loooooong time! He just upped and left me one day and I really want to talk to him!

Signed, Hurt by a Meanie

Squall: . . . .whatever.

Fujin: RINOA. RAGE! INFATUATION WITH INANIMATE OBJECT.

Squall: . . . . . . . . . .!

Seifer: How long did that take to register?

Raijin: *clicks stopwatch* approximately 3 minutes ya know?

Fujin: NEXT!

Squall: . . . .whatever. This one is un-marked...weird how it got here considering that you need at least an address in order to post it or else--

Fujin: SILENCE! (Never thought I would have to tell Squall that)

Seifer: That's the longest sentence I've ever heard Squall say in like. . .ever. @/_@

Raijin: That's totally unheard of, ya know?! Alert the presses, ya know?!

Fujin: MORONS! *kicks Raijin hard but can't bring herself to hit Seifer* FUSTRATION!

Squall: . . .whatever. Next letter and the last one.

Fujin: THANK HYNE!

Dear Fujin,

I was wondering, what's your sign, baby? We could make beautiful music together if you just dump the rejected Knight. We could go aaaaalllllll night long, baby-girl!

Signed, Wild Steer

Fujin: NEGATIVE. SICK PERVERT.

Seifer: There's an AFFIRMATIVE from me, Fuj.

Squall: Who was that I wonder?

Raijin: Yeah, that was a hard one ya know?

Squall: (...............idiot)

Seifer: I was not Rejected! *sniff* I was merely 'laid off'. Or *sob* on vacation even!

Fujin: SEIFER COMFORT. *hugs him*

Seifer: ^/_^ Thanks Fuj.

Fujin: ANYTIME. ^_#

Squall: *clears throat* Anyway. . .it's time for the mystery caller. Hyne, I hope it isn't Rinoa or Zell....

Raijin: With our luck it probably is, ya know?

Seifer: Answer the damn phone, Leonhart.

Squall: Hello, you have reached "Ask Fujin."

Mystery Caller: Squaaaaaaalllllllll!!!!!!!!! There you are! Come back to meeeee!!!! I'm all alone!!!!!!!

Squall: .........................*curses*

Seifer: Can we all say stalker?

Fujin: STALKER.

Raijin: Definately a stalker, ya know? That's SCARY ya know?

Audience: STALKER! *they all beam proudly*

Seifer: ......................idiots. Hey, "Rin-chan" ?

Mystery Caller: What? I meeeeeean...........who is this Rin-chan you speak of?

Seifer: You moron, we know it's you. Did you know that there's a Ho-Ho sale down at B-Garden's Cafeteria? They're goin'fast!

Mystery Caller who isn't really all that mysterious anymore: Ooooooooooooh! *hangs up*

Seifer: Fat hog.

Fujin: AFFIRMATIVE. SHOW OVER?

Raijin: Yep. It's over, ya know?

Squall: THANK HYNE! *throws hands in the air* You people are all doped up on something! I can't take this anymore! *runs out of the room in a fit*

Seifer: . . . . . . It was only a matter of time.

Raijin: He didn't last long ya know?

Fujin: AFFIRMATIVE.

Seifer: They usually last an hour and a half. He's only lasted an hour. Pity.

Fujin: SYMPATHY LEONHART?

Seifer: *laughs hysterically* Me? Sympathy? For.....*laughs again* LEONHART? *falls to the ground laughing*

Raijin: That's a no, ya know?

Fujin: UNSURE.

Seifer: *stands up* Ahem. I'm fine now. Wanna come with me to a resteraunt of my choosing?

Raijin: Sure Seifer! I'd love to go with you, ya know?

Seifer: *disgusted* I was talking to Fujin, idiot.

Fujin: *eyes wide as she smiles brightly* AFFIRMATIVE! *grabs Seifer's hand and pulls him off*

~Fin~