Laguna's Birthday Party!

by Emerald Embers + Patsypoopa

Louise_cmi_vc@hotmail.com + Patsypoopa@aol.com

Rated PG-12 for bad language and rudeness of both hetero and yaoi nature. Not for the close-minded. Oh, and some Rinoa-bashing (though she gets a happy ending, I swear!)

Non-profit fan-fiction

Dedicated to my wonderful l'il sister because she told me most of this a few nights ago off the top of her head. She doesn't have a fanfiction.net account so I've written it up, added a few bits here and there to help it make sense, and posted it for her. Oh, and, as usual, REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW!!! (no pressure there then)



[Squall Leonhart had suffered a bad day. As night fell, it only proceeded to get worse. Currently, our hero is trying desperately to keep his door shut against the advance of Selphie, Quistis, and Rinoa]



Squall; I AM NOT GOING SHOPPING!!!

Rinoa; But Squall, you need to look all gorgeous and stuff for me!

Selphie; Yes, I mean, Squall, that fake fur collar? It is just SO last year. I mean, take a look at me. Do you see ME wearing fake fur?

Squall; No, I see yellow.

Selphie; Exactly! Yellow is this years colour!

Squall; I refuse to wear any colour that is not black! Or, at a big push, white.

Selphie; Oh alright. Maybe there's something in your wardrobe that'll be acceptable.



[the girls force their way in and while Rinoa and Quistis pin Squall down (lucky Squall), Selphie opens his wardrobe and falls back, nose bleeding]



Selphie; How much black leather do you own? *roots through wardrobe with interest* Dare I ask what this is about?

Rinoa; *eyeing the hot pink leather miniskirt Selphie just pulled out* Er... is there something you're not telling us, Squall?

Squall; It belonged to my last room-mate.

Rinoa; But he was a guy.

Squall; He DID have something to hide. But it was kind of the only thing he left, so...

Rinoa; Any OTHER things you have to confess?

Squall; Not to you.

Selphie; Ahem? This conversation is of NO importance whatsoever, we have to go SHOPPING!

Squall; I am not going shopping.

Selphie; What did you just say?



[Squall takes a deep breath but his shout is blocked by Rinoa's hand over his mouth]



Rinoa; Let's go to Armani! *girlish giggles*!

Selphie; EXCELLENT idea Rinoa darling, I mean, you just have such WONDERFUL taste.

Quistis; *weary sigh*



[the girls proceed to drag Squall to the Armani shop, Quistis taking the legs, Rinoa taking the arms, and Selphie leading by the ear]

[in Armani]



Selphie; *squeals* Perfect! And it's only 5000 gil!

Squall; Only?

Selphie; Class doesn't come cheap, you know.

Squall; ... OKAY, I'll PAY.

Selphie; *clasps hands and does the Irritating Selphie Dance T.M.* Wonderful!



[Squall pays for the black trouser-suit, tie, and white shirt]



Squall; Happy now?

Selphie; Yes! Quistis?

Quistis; *looks at her dream-dress's price tag and sighs* What is it Selphie?

Selphie; We're going now!



[Quistis takes another look at the dress, her shoulders slumped, and she eyes the others. They all look so lovely, and she's just in a plain black dress]

[they leave the shop]



Selphie; We're stopping at the local chocobo restaurant. What do you want?

Squall; Just buy me a coke and donut. Will you excuse me a second? I've got to go pee.

Selphie; Eew! Like, I did so not need to hear that. Just go already!



[Squall runs off]

[Selphie, Quistis, and Rinoa are now sitting together in the restaurant]



Rinoa; So, anyways, my daddy's got a porsche *girlish giggles*!

Quistis; ... fascinating.

Selphie; *giggles* *more giggles* *raucous laughter*

Quistis; Er... Selph? What's going on?



[Selphie lifts a shaking finger to the two guys who just walked in]



Selphie; Hello Freak-of-the-Year!

Zell; What's wrong with my clothes?



[Zell is wearing a nice plain white shirt, and a nice black jacket. All in all nice. He is also wearing black short pants]



Quistis; HAH!

Zell; Well, I'm hot in these clothes!

Irvine; No you're not. I, on the other hand...



[Irvine is wearing an all-black suit. Think Keanu Reeves in The Matrix. With a black cowboy hat and coat, of course]



Rinoa + Selphie + Quistis (+ author); *drool*

Irvine; See? I'm just a lady-killer. Without the killer bit. Hold on... let's try that again...

Zell; Tough. Hey, you guys seen Squall?

Rinoa; He went to pee.

Zell; Oh. This place sell hot-dogs?



[Squall returns in his new suit and the gang have a nice little meal before setting off on their journey to Laguna's birthday party]



Selphie; Squall, why are you still carrying that shopping bag with you?

Squall; ... okay, I'm a rubbish liar. Quistis?

Quistis; Yes?



[Squall hands Quistis the very same red-devil dress she had got depressed over because he's such a little sweetie, complete with matching new shoes]



Quistis; Oh Squall! You are such a little sweetie!



[runs behind a bush, followed by Irvine. Irvine emerges first, complete with red hand mark on face, because Quistis is not a little wuss]



Irvine; It was worth it! *rubs cheek* Ow.



[Quistis followed shortly afterwards, complete with beautiful red-devil dress]



Quistis; *blush**blush* Thank you Squall.

Squall; *blush**blush* You're welcome Quistis.



[the gang make their way to the party]

[Irvine enters the main hall, followed closely by the black coat-tails of his suit, and sees Seifer]

[Seifer enters the main hall, followed closely by the white coat-tails of his suit, and sees Irvine]



Irvine + Seifer; Well helloooooo gorgeous!



[Selphie vomits into a nearby bin]



Squall; Irvine is gay? Is NOTHING sacred?

Selphie; Quistis *vomit* I thought Irvine *vomit* was your date? *vomit*

Quistis; Yeah, but I only wanted a good look at his arse. *long pause* Did I say that out loud?

Selphie; Yup.

Quistis; Bollocks.

Selphie; Hey, don't worry. Just about everyone wants a good look at Irvine's arse.

Zell; Amen to that, sister!



[Selphie and Quistis give Zell a peculiar look]



Zell; ... What?

Quistis; Oh, nothing.

Zell; You sayin' I'm gay?! Irvine's just got a tight arse! Everyone loves it!



[a large crowd is beginning to gather]



Quistis; Did I ever deny that?

Zell; *in really bad Liverpool accent* You tryin' t' start somefin'?!

Quistis; ... no. Go away you strange little man.

Zell; 'Ey! I ain't finished with you!



[turns to crowd]



Zell; *in ever worsening Liverpool accent* WHADDAYALOOKINAT'EY?! 'EY?! YOUTRYIN'T'STARTSOMEFIN?!

Selphie; Zell, I have hot dogs.

Zell; *immediately calms down* Oh. Thank you Selphie!



[crowd disperses as flowers start to sprout wherever Zell's merrily skipping feet step]



Zell; Oh joy! Hot-dog hot-dog man... I wanna be, a hot-dog man...

Selphie; C'mon Zelly boy. Let's add some sparkle to this party.

Zell; Alright!



[they dance]

[meanwhile...]



Laguna; Ooh! My birthday party! *pause* how old am I again?

Ward; ...

Laguna; Ah, thanks. Gawd, imagine not knowing my own age? Ha!

Ward; ...

Laguna; Oy! My birthday, you shut up. No insults allowed. Understand?

Ward; ...

Laguna; So's your mother. Anyway, I wonder who's turned up? Let's see... Squall and the gang... Ellone... hey, what do you reckon the others will think about the 'no Caraways' sign?

Ward; ...

Laguna; For once, I agree with you completely.



[Kiros walks in looking like the average unfairly beautiful indian prince]



Kiros; *coughs politely* Er... Ward? Could you leave me and Laguna alone for a bit?



[Ward winks at Kiros and walks off]



Laguna; What d'ya want, Kiros?

Kiros; *coughs nervously* The others said the best way to attract someone who you like is to do something completely unexpected. What do you think?

Laguna; I suppose it might work.

Kiros; Might?

Laguna; Yeah.

Kiros; Good.



[Kiros shoves his hands down the front of Laguna's pants]



Laguna; Woahmigod! *squeaks* You could've just said you liked me!

Kiros; Okay. *grins* I like you.

Laguna; *still squeaking* Yes, I guessed that, but could we please... *voice gets even higher* ... get a room!

Kiros; *grins more* Bliss!



[Kiros removes his hands from Laguna's pants and they rush off to the nearest closet]

[half an hour later, Laguna and Kiros return to the main area]



Squall; Er... dad? You alright?

Laguna; Never better.

Squall; Then why did you forget to do your hair for the party?

Laguna; Well, y'know amnesia.

Squall; And... Kiros forgot as well?

Kiros; It's a... rare... contagious... form... of... amnesia. You'd better go.

Squall; Alrighty then. *walks off*

Laguna; Phew. That was close.

Kiros; No thanks to you.

Laguna; Hey, don't blame it on me! Who thought up contagious amnesia in the first place? And...

Kiros; Have I ever told you how sexy you look when you're angry?

Laguna; *thinks hard*

Kiros; Never mind. Let's go find somewhere to freshen up our hair.



[they walk off to the men's toilets]

[meanwhile, back at the party]



Quistis; Squall? My date has disappeared, so could you dance with me?

Squall; Sure. But you'll have to teach me how.

Quistis; Great!



[they walk onto the dance-floor, and within a few minutes Quistis has Squall dancing perfectly]



Quistis; Squall, you're such a natural!

Squall; Really? I mean, I was really bad at dancing when Rinoa tried to teach me.

Quistis; Hmm... say, where is Rino... *is slapped in face*

Rinoa; You... you MEANIE! He's MINE!

Quistis; Rinoa, I... I'm sor... *is slapped in face again*

Squall; *eyes flash dangerously and fists clench*

Quistis; It's alright Squall, I shouldn't have tried to steal you from her in the first place.

Squall; ... *eyes flash again* ...

Rinoa; Hmmph! Time for you to dance with ME Squall, not a little tart like HER.

Squall; ... ... ... THAT'S IT! *grabs Rinoa* You have gone TOO FAR!



[stomps outside and is prepared to throw Rinoa into a muddy pool when a large dark-skinned man steps in front of him]



Raijin; Hey, get offa her, ya know?

Squall; Sure, she's all yours. *dumps Rinoa into Raijin's arms*

Rinoa; Raijin! My hero!

Raijin; *blushes* It was nothing, ya know? But if you wanna dance, will you dance with... uh, me? Ya know?"

Rinoa; Ooh! *girlish giggles* Yes! I like my men big and strong...



[they dance]



Squall; Quistis, I... I... whatever.

Quistis; *blushes* Me too, Squall. Me too.

Squall; *smiles a proper smile*



[Kiros and Laguna emerge from the toilets, hair and clothing in a worse state than before]



Kiros; Phew! For an old guy, you sure have stamina!

Laguna; *tilts head* Is that a complement or an insult?

Kiros; You decide.

Laguna; *thinks hard* *frowns* Insult?

Kiros; Ooh! I've gotta get you angry more often! *glances around quickly* The closet's are all full!

Laguna; What the hell. It's my party! *turns around* Hey everyone! Two old guys are gonna do it in here in a second!



[the hall magically clears]



Kiros; Great! *grins* Now C'mere, big boy!



[camera fades]



The End!