Yo yo yo, whassup my homies? Crunchbucket up in this mutha fu-

*cough*

Sorry about that. What I MEANT to say is, hi, this is my first MST. Well, first MST of a fanfiction anyway, I've made it something of a hobby to MST flames. Anyway, as this is my first one I reserve the right to write a gratuitous self insertion filled extravaganza. Mwa ha ha ha haaaaa!!!

I have never seen MST3k.

Here it is, folks...

At a cinema near you...

The MST you've all been waiting for...

CAT FIGHT! MSTed by Kodansha, Cid Highwind, Cloud Strife and Reno and Rude of the Turks!

Kodansha, by the way, is me. My other online persona. She's slightly less insane and slightly more cynical than the Crunchbucket me. A bit more like the real me, but not the same. The real me is a miserable cynical bitch ^_^.

>>>CAT FIGHT

>>>Here is a story where two females fight over a gorgeous male.

Cloud *Hides head in shame* Not agaaaaiiinn...

>>>WARNING: SWEARS AND VIOLENCE.

Cid-Hell YEAH! This is more ^&*(^ing like it!
Kodansha-Cid, there's only one swearword in this whole fic, and it's censored.
Cid-^&*(!!

>>>(swears are coded,
Cloud-What, like morse code?
Rude-...... .. ... . . .. .
Cloud *GASP!* RUDE! How could you say that? IN PUBLIC?
Rude-.... ...

>>>and the violence isn't groosum.

Kodansha-I should think not.
Cloud-Yeah, that would be terrible.
Cid-Absolutely awful.
Reno-What does "groosum" mean?
Kodansha-I do not have a fer-hucking clue.

>>>This is a false warning..I repeat, this is a false warning. Go-a-head and read on.

Cloud-(author) Please. Oh go on. I'll be your best friend.

>>>By: Andrea Miller

Everyone-BOOOOOO!!! (pieces of popcorn, candy wrappers and a 24inch Sony trinitron widescreen TV (with remote control) are thrown at the screen)

>>>Tifa: Hi Cloud, did you like last night?

Reno-(Cloud) Oh yes, Tifa. We should visit the opera every night! Come, let us sing sweet music, my dear songbird. O SOUL MIOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Cloud-(Tifa) No, you idiot! When the author of this fic forced us to have kinky sex in the wardrobe!
Reno-(Cloud) Oh.

>>>Aeris: Last night? Why you slut!

Cloud-(Tifa) Bitch!
Reno-(Aeris) Ho!
Cloud-(Tifa) Hussy!
Reno-(Aeris) Prostitute!
Cloud-(Tifa) CLIENT!
Kodansha-Hey guys, that isn't even ironically funny in this fic. They actually ARE going to do that.
Cloud-Oh.
Cid-Damn right, she's a slut! Because being in love with one guy and sleeping with him automatically makes you a slut! Damn, the girl who wrote this is ^&()ing smart!

>>>Tifa: Whore! He's mine! I found him first.

Reno-(Tifa) Finders keepers! Ner ner! *sticks out tongue*
Cloud-(Aeris) You smellosaurus!
Reno-(Tifa) Nasty Pasty! (dives on Aeris, pulling hair and squealing.)
Kodansha-Guys, what did I SAY before?
Cloud and Reno-Sorry.

>>>Aeris: He dated me though.
>>Tifa: He's mine. He loves me more than you. Right Cloud?!

Reno-(Cloud) *with two crayons shoved up his nose* Duh duh! I'm Cloud! I have two beautiful women chasing me but I don't pay attention to either of them because I'm retarded! Duh!
Cloud-Hey! Bitch!
Reno-Slut!
Cloud-Cow! (pounces on Reno pulling his hair)
Kodansha-GUYS!
Reno and Cloud-(clutching clumps of each other's hair) sorry.

>>>Cloud: Ah...

Cloud-How come all I ever do in these fics is make an ass of myself or do absolutely nothing to do with the plot?
Reno-Plot? There's a plot?
Cloud-Okay, maybe I should rephrase that...

>>>Aeris: He says NO!

Kodansha-Remember, kids! If someone tells you to write bad fanfiction like this...JUST SAY NO! Just like Cloud Strife!
Cloud-Cloud Strife says NO! To crappy fanfiction!

>>>Tifa: Why you get back here.

Cloud-Who's she talking to?
Reno-I dunno. Possibly Rude *points to the exit where Rude is quietly sneaking away through the door.*
Kodansha-Hey! Come back here!
Rude-...!...!...! *Comes back*
Kodansha-And watch that mouth of yours!

>>>Tifa and Aeris start to sissy fight when Cait Sith comes walking in.

Cid-(Cait Sith) Oh great, another fanfiction author with no imagination is making Tifa and Aeris kill each other again. Someone get the tranquilisers!

>>>Cait Sith: Ladies, the best way to settle fights is to settle it in a match.
>>Tifa: Like?

Cloud-(Cait Sith) Like, instead of killing each with your fists, you can kill each other with your fists-WHILE WE WATCH LIKE SADISTIC BLOODTHIRSTY ANIMALS!
Reno-(Tifa) Oh! Great idea, Cait!

>>>Cait Sith: Death Match?

Kodansha-(Cheesy announcer) Yes folks, it's time for Final Fantasy celebrity deathmatch XXXVVVIIIXIMIVX! Now 89% more contrived!

>>>Aeris/Tifa: Yeah!

Everyone-NOOO!!!!
Kodansha-Not ANOTHER crappy deathmatch fic!
Reno-(Tifa) Yeah! Let's kill each other for the sake of just one spikey blonde haired little freak when Final Fantasy 7 is stuffed full of hotties such as Vincent, Rufus, Sephiroth and that ultra hot Turk babe, Reno! Man, is he cute! I'd like to cover him with chocolate sauce and-
Kodansha-RENO! *thwap*
Reno-Owie.

>>>The living room is picked to be where the match is held.

Kodansha-At least we can be thankful that this isn't CELEBRITY BIKINI MUDWRESTLING DEATHMATCH in AVALANCHE's garden.
Reno, Cloud, Rude+Cid-........
Kodansha-Goddamnit guys, STOP THINKING ABOUT WHAT I JUST SAID!
Reno, Cloud, Rude+Cid-Sorry...

>>>Tifa and Aeris are warming up while

Reno, Cloud, Rude and Cid-.....
Kodansha-QUIT IT WITH THOSE HENTAI THOUGHTS!

>>>everyone else is getting prepaired to watch.

Cloud-(Barret) Okay, let's get prepared. Nachos?
Reno-(Cait Sith) Check.
Cloud-(Barret) Ridiculously oversized foam hand with pointing finger to wave about?
Reno-(Cait Sith) Check.
Cloud-(Barret) Copious amounts of alcohol?
Reno-(Cait Sith) Check.
Cloud-(Barret) Contrived fanfiction plotline involving Tifa and Aeris bitchfighting?
Reno-(Cait Sith) Check.

>>>Marlene climbs on the T.V. and acts like the announcer.

Reno-Then the TV collapses, killing Marlene and electrocuting the entire room, frazzling everyone to a crisp and thus killing everyone the end.
Cloud-No one is that lucky.

>>>Marlene: In this corner (points to the right) is Tifa Lockheart at the age of 20.

Reno-Thus making her below the legal drinking age even though she runs a bar.
Kodansha-Bad Reno! *thwap*. We're MSTing a fanfic here, not Squaresoft!
Reno-Sorry...

>>> And at this corner (points to the left) is Aeris Gainsporough at the age of 22.

Kodansha-Yay! Yet more mispellings! You know what that means?
Everyone-SUPER MISTRANSLATION FUN FUN ACTION!
Cid-ARIES U SUK
Cloud-SHUT UP TFIA U CANT DRINK YET I CAN ROFL IM DUH BOM DIGGY
Kodansha-Okay, that's enough.

>>>Both are fighting over

Cid-A small aubergine!
Kodansha-Called Benjamin!
Cloud-(Tifa and Aeris) WE WORSHIP THEE OH AUBERGINE!
Cid-No no no! You have to get into the writing style of the fic!
Cloud-Ah, okay. (Tifa and Aeris) WE WROSHIP THE O OBORJEEN!!!
Cid-That's more ^&*(ing like it.

>>>(points to Cloud whom is seated on a couch watching all the action Cloud Strife.

Everyone-...w00t?
Kodansha-Me thinks we have an ILLEGAL GRAMMAR JUMP.

>>> Let the battle begin! (grabs Aeris' rod, hits the bell, than throws is back)

Kodansha-Hands up who thinks this rod has more character, depth and is more faithful to it's original FF7 persona than anyone else?
Everyone except Rude, who is gone-*Raises hand*
Kodansha-RUDE! Get your butt back here!
Rude-*Climbs out of air vent* ....!!...!!!!!...

>>>Aeris: I'm gonna win, then Cloud would be mine!

Everyone-w00t w00t?
Kodansha-Yet more bizarre grammatical errors!
Reno-(Aeris) Soon Benjamin the aubergine is be mine!
Cloud-(Tifa) Wrong is you, Aries! Benjamin be mine now me love it long time sucky sucky 5 gil!
Reno-(Aeris) You wrong is you, Tafi! I Benjamin have now soon is mine will umbrella!

>>>Tifa: Slut!

Cloud-(Tifa) Now now, let's settle this like adults.

>>>Aeris: Whore!

Reno-(Aeris) I quite agree. Violence and harsh words are never the answer.

>>>Tifa and Aeris engage in an extremely violent scratching match. A big cloud of dust appears over them.

Cloud-(Tifa) Here's a nice cup of tea. Now, let's talk about this reasonably.
Reno-(Aeris) Yes, lets.
Cloud-(Tifa) I'm so glad we agree.

>>>Cloud: (thinking) All this for me?

Cloud-I'm so lucky that I could just puke.

>>>Sephiroth: They can do more distruction than I could ever do.

Cid-Where the ^&(& did he come from?
Kodansha-*Thwaps Cid* Silly Cid! Look at chapter 4, section 20, paragraph 9 of the RPG fanfiction cliche handbook, under the title "character reviving!"
Cid-(reads) Rude is a sex god and I love him and-
Kodansha-*grabs back book* WRONG BOOK! *Goes red*
Rude-....!...!...! *BLUSH!*

>>>>Cid: *hic!* I can't see anything!

Cid-Any PARTICULAR reason why I'm drunk?
Kodansha-Silly Cid! Because it's supposed to be FUNNY!
Reno-I fail to see the comedic value.
Kodansha-The key word is "supposed"

>>>>Marlene: I'm trying my best!

Kodansha-Can anyone give me a reason why we have a preschooler refereeing a deathmatch?
Reno-As soon as you can give me a reason why the author bothered to write this nonsense in the first place.
Cloud-(Marlene) WRONG IS YOU CID, I TRY HARD U SUK.
Kodansha-(Cid) WRONG U IS WRONG IS TRY HARDER SMALL GURL.

>>>Barret: Cid! Leave my daughter alone!

Everyone-EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kodansha-First CELEBRITY BIKINI MUDWRESTLING DEATHMATCH, now Cid the Paedophile?
Cid-%^&*%&^%&*%&^%$^%$!!! If I ever get hold of whoever wrote this-

>>>Cid: Make me!

Everyone-*disgusted silence*

>>>Cid/Barret: B****!

Kodansha-There's your swearword, Cid.
Cid-^&*( what? Can't those sissy ass authors ever let me &*()in' swear properly? It's bad enough that every time I say anything stronger that &*() that they have to blank it out with *)(&in' symbols!
Kodansha *sweatdrop* Uh, yeah.

>>>Barret: Jynx! Hah! Now you can't insult anyone!

Cid-Oh come on! I stopped saying that in 1st ^&(*ing grade!
Kodansha-And next on Preschool Adventures, we have an interview with LaaLaa of the Tellitubbies!

>>>Marlene: Oh! I see something!
>>>Everyone: What?!

Cid-(Marlene) It's the fanfiction author flying past the window after Cid kicked her ass SO HARD for writing this &*(&*!!
Cloud-(Andrea Miller) Whheeeeeeee! Hey ma, I kin see mah house from up here! Hyuk hyuk!

>>>Marlene: Um...Tifa seems to be winning. Although her hair is now in knots. Aeris' rod broke in half. Her white materia fell and is rolling off the ring.

Kodansha-(Marlene) A WINER IS YOO, Tiaf.
Rude-.......*gets up to leave*
Kodansha-No, that does NOT mean you can go!
Rude-...!..! *sits back down*

>>>Sephiroth: Let me distroy it!

Kodansha-More BIZZARRE MISPELLED ACTION, folks!
Cid-(Sephiroth) RONG IS YOU Marlene, wite matiera distroy I shal!
Cloud-(Marlene) RONG IS YOU SPHREIOHT, I mity refree wil kil yoo!
Kodansha-I think you should win an award for the most bizarre spelling of Sephiroth I've ever seen there, Cloud...
Cloud-(bows) Thankyou, thankyou.

>>>Cloud: If we do, will you find a more peacfull way to beckom a god?

Cid-(Cloud) RONG IS YOO SPRETHOPH, I-
Kodansha-That's quite enough running that joke into the ground now.

>>>Sephiroth: Sure.

Cid-(Sephiroth) I'll work in McDonald's instead! I shall poison all of the world's burgers, thus killing everyone and ruling! HA HA!
Cloud-(Cloud) RONG IS YOO SPHIETORH, I STOPPED YOU WILL!

>>>Now give me it!

Cloud-(Cloud) Now now Sephy, don't be impolite. Aren't we forgetting the magic word?
Cid-(Sephiroth)-Oh yes. Of course. I meant to say "Now F^&*ing give me it."
Cloud-(Cloud) Much better.

>>>Yuffie picks it up and throws it to Sephiroth.

Kodansha-Killing him and exploding the energy packed materia, destroying everyone. The end.
Cid-Getting dark, Kods?

>>>Sephiroth breaks it by crushing it between his boot and the ground.

Cloud-(Sephiroth) I RUEL NOW EHEHE LOL *HANH* *HANH*

>>>Aeris: My White Materia!

Cloud-(Aeris) Now I can't summom Holy which did exactly SOD ALL apart from make the effects of meteor worse! Oh CALAMITY!

>>>Tifa: (Punchs Aeris, she is knocked cold)

Everyone *Cheers*
Cid-That means this is all over, right?
Kodansha-Um, actually...
Cid ^&^*&!!

>>>Marlene: The official winner is...(dust dissapears) TIFA LOCKHEART! She gets Cloud and Aeris is kicked out of this place forever.

Kodansha-*blinkblink*
Cid-O-kayyy...
Reno-"Tifa beat Aeris and got Cloud they threw Aeris out the end."
Cloud-Nooo, it's "TIFA BEETS ARIES THROO OUT AREIS TITA GET CLUOD TEH EDN."
Cid-Much better.

>>>Everyone: Woo-hoo!

Everyone-*Even louder* WOO-HOO!
Cid-It's over! It's really over!
Kodansha-Well...
Cid-DON'T say it.
Kodansha-Eep.

>>>The next day Cloud and Tifa marry, Aeris decides to live somewhere else (like she had a choice?) and everyone is happy without the arguing of Aeris and Tifa anymore.

Kodansha-But fanfiction authors everywhere were distraught because this meant that 99.9% of their plotlines were made redundant.

>>>The End...

Everyone-*Holds street party*

>>>Or is it? Dun,Dun,Duh!

Everyone-NOOOOOOOOO!!!
Kodansha-PLEASE let that be it, PLEASE.

*Silence*

Kodansha...It is. Thank Hyne!

DA END.

"points to Cloud whom is seated on a couch watching all the action Cloud Strife."