Finalities
Uncreativity

It's not as if they don't tell you about it. It's not as if they don't glorify it in the books and glamorize it in the movies. That moment of truth, that crucial second when your entire life changes. You look forward to it -- you look forward to showing that you will not crack under pressure. Sometimes, you just want to get it over with. You know it through and through, but you can never truly prepare... live by the gunblade, die by the gunblade, yes. Knights don't croak of old age. But when your time comes...

...well, it's amazing how little you're actually ready. It's over before you realize what's happening, and there are no second chances for a sorceress' knight...

We live up in this sixth floor apartment in one of Deling City's suburbs. It's a good place, not great. Nothing too elaborate; not so much because we can't afford it, but because we can't afford to stay very long. After what I did to Rinoa, we can't stay very long anywhere. My posse is getting really weary of our nomadic lifestyle, I can tell. The hiding, the fighting... it's really worn them down.

I wanted so much better for us.

But then I suppose you can't expect much when you're an infamous war criminal and recent bank robber who killed the fiancee of the Commander of Garden in a psychotic episode. I used to have 'em all the time with Edea, but I had been fine for so long... and then one day I saw Rinoa and simply flipped out. It's not something I'm proud of, and I wasn't entirely sure it wouldn't happen again, though Fujin says she can tell I'm a lot better now. I suppose something about having to fight tooth-and-nail for yourself and those you love brings you back to sanity, or at least outward functionality.

She tried to stop me, you know. (Like I said -- I'm a sorceress' knight.)

But back to my moment of truth.

Raijin had gone down to the market to pick up steaks. Our nerves were frazzled and I decided my posse deserved a bit of a treat, so we were going to barbecue out on the balcony. Fujin loves that damn balcony. In fact, I'm pretty sure she likes the whole apartment. She'll kick the dishwasher, stomp around to try to bug the guy downstairs, and bitch and moan endlessly about the size of our bedroom, but... well, I know Fujin, and I can tell when she's content. It's probably because she must like being able to settle down, if just for a little while...

She really deserved better than me.

And god, but it happened so fast... she was sitting out on the balcony when I came out to set up the grill. She turned and smiled at me, but I barely saw it. Something else had caught my eye -- something foreign, something that should not have been there. And when I figured out just what it was...

A sniper.

I never thought that maybe she saw him too, that she might cast a barrier or kill him where he stood. I didn't think. I had to protect my sorceress, and I jumped. You can't mull over the consequences and you can't take risks. You have to remind yourself whose life is more important and do what it takes.

So I jumped. No second chances.

Though I suppose she was my second chance... my second sorceress...

As I fell, I watched her face. I watched it contort from daydreaminess straight to fury. She didn't seem to go through shock or anything, like she already knew that this would happen. A pessimistic girl, Fuu. But then, you always keep things like that in the back of your mind when you're running for your life...

Fujin leapt to her feet, letting out a little cry and shooting out Hyne knows what kind of sorceress magic. I couldn't see what she did to that guy, but I sure as hell heard it. A scream, a crunch, and then a sloppy wet plop, blood splattering at her feet.

I remember being thoroughly impressed -- I had no idea she could do that.

And she dropped to her knees, clutching her sides and gasping for breath. (Maybe she couldn't do that.) It didn't stop her from scrambling over to me. Not my second-in---- excuse me, my sorceress. Wordlessly, she lay her hands on my chest. Is that where I was hit? I barely even felt it...

Which brings me to where I am now. Trying not to watch the life flashing before my eyes. Dying while she over over me, trying to save something already lost.

Others, I try to warn her. Make sure nobody's left. You're being reckless.

"Priority," she snarls. "Worst case, they send me with you."

What a stupid way to look at things. No reason both of us should bite the big one today, and as the sorceress (and non-mortally-wounded one to boot) she has precedence. I'm telling her just that, and not to worry about me, trying my best not to sound irritated. She hasn't been a sorceress for all that long, and I ought to be more patient with her...

It doesn't come out irritated at all, but instead weak and pathetic. Now I wish it had been irritated -- then maybe she'd've believed me. There's got to be some way I can get her off me, get her thinking straight.

You know it's bad when you're the one mortally wounded and she's the one not thinking straight.

I told you Fujin, make sure-- cough, cough, cough...

"Shut up," she hisses. "Shut up, shut up, shut up!"

So I shut up. I figure if anyone else was gonna attack they'd've done it by now. Or are they waiting for me to kick it first? That's right, you bastards -- put a bullet in my chest, my heart... hell, my fuckin' head! You can't stop me! I'll kill every last one of you!

And Fujin yells at me again. Was I thinking that or saying it? Shit, I can't even tell anymore...

Okay, Fuu. I'll shut up and let you be. Knock yourself out. Do what you want to me. I won't complain. I won't point out my doubts in your ability or the fact that you're getting your clothes messy. Have fun.

Just... remember that there are things even great sorceresses such as yourself cannot hope to change. Don't get too cocky because you can handle those ill-gotten powers of yours... aww, fuck, look who's talking. What kinda damn hypocrite am I, honestly?

Crying.

She's crying.

You're crying.

Why are you crying!? I finally did it right, you see!? I'm going down as a great, Fujin! Aren't you happy for me..?

And I suddenly remember something she asked me this morning. "Seifer... do you like being my knight?" in this small, un-Fujin-like voice. And scowled, and I told her that I didn't do anything I didn't like doing, and though I knew damned well it was not what she needed to hear, she shrugged it off and went back to sleep.

I never appreciated you like I should have, Fuu. I should've thanked you every day for letting me play my silly games, for healing my wounds and letting me dream again... hell, for putting up with me, period. But you know I could never open myself up to anyone after that, not even you. I couldn't find the courage, couldn't find the words, couldn't find any way of treating you the way I should have without exposing just how black I really am on the inside...

I'm not sure just how much of that actually makes it past my lips. However much, she ignores it, shoving her hands harder into my chest. Angry. Whatever spell she's working, it's somehow warm and tingly. Cures are more cool and refreshing -- like a cold shower or mint ice cream -- but this is entirely different...

Warm? Hot. Searing. Not her wind but my fire burns me from the inside out, like my whole fuckin' torso's engulfed in flames. What are you trying to do, Fuu, cremate me?!

"I won't let you die. I won't."

I ask why. She does not answer.

And somewhere along the line, she stopped her magic. I hadn't noticed it, but I can see her start crying again, harder than before.

Sorry Fuu.

But I'm tired now. I'll just close my eyes for a bit. i just want to rest please fuu let merest...