Forgive Me

By: Uncreativity

I'm sorry, please help me, forgive me
Don't hate me, don't leave me, forgive me
Forgive me, my debt, as only you could
Forgive me the hate
Replace evil with good
Forgive me and find out that you will be able to
Forgive yourself too.
--Joseph LoDuca

How could you do this to me, Fuu?

Oh, I understand *why*. You wanted to get back at me. I really don't blame you. I deserve it...but there are better ways to do it, Fuujin!

I know I didn't-- couldn't give you what you wanted, Fuu. I'm not so dense I didn't see the way you looked at me. I'm not fuckin' Raijin. I picked up on those ever-so-subtle hints that, for *you*, were actually quite blunt.

And I know you understood. You knew me better than anyone, Fuujin. Better than I even do. *You* knew that I would ultimately end up hurting you. I was trying to protect you from...from me. You deserved so much better than that, Fuu. Better than *me*.

Aww, fuck, Fuu. I don't have to explain it to *you*. You know what I'm saying, even when I can't seem to say it.

But how are you supposed to tell a girl you won't love her *because* you love her?

I can feel the wind. You'd have thought it would've died, or raged, but it does neither. It's a warm, gentle breeze. Once you lost your power over it, it went and did its own thing, completely apathetic, as if you never existed in the first place.

Why did it have to be Leonhart? Was what I did horrible enough to warrant Leonhart?

I never meant to hurt you. How could I have hurt my beautiful Fuu-sama? I *cared* about you, Fuu, and you *know* I don't care about anybody. The way I am...well, I know better than to get close to anybody.

You and I were close at a distance, Fuujin. You understood me and I...well, I *thought* I understood you. Have I underestimated my Fuu-sama again?

*My* Fuu-sama. Not his.

I don't care *what* you and he did...what he did to you. You're still my number one. I was the one who took care of you, I was the one who needed you, and I was the one who killed you.

But you said "Squall". You warned him-- tried to protect him...and *he* attacked *me* for hurting *you*! It's so fucked up it makes my head spin.

And I was the one who killed you. Killed you while trying to save you from that-- monster.

Was Matron not good enough for him? Was Rinoa insufficient? How much can you take from one person? Doesn't he have his own fucking life, that he has to ruin mine?

I hate him so much. I can't even enjoy his death. He did this purposely, I swear.

I don't understand any of this, Fuu. It's all happened so fast, and I can't think clearly. I wish I could clear my head, but it just gets more clouded. I'm kind of light-headed, Fuu, dizzy. I've lost a lot of blood. Not as much as I could have, mind you. Squall could have finished me off had he so wanted-- while I was...vulnerable.

But he didn't He tried to heal you. He turned around and tried to heal you. And all I could think was that he had no right... no right to be anywhere near you! I had to get him away from you. It was not his place, by your side. That's a spot for those of us who *really* loved you-- for Raijin and I-- not that brainwashing Leonhart brat!

I could have hacked him into a million pieces but I stopped to help you... I wanted so badly to help you, but you were already gone. I skewered your fuckin' heart, Fuu. I watched his body slump over yours, like the rotten parasite that he was, and my stomach turned, flip-flopped.

I turned around and I ran. I didn't know where to go-- only where I *couldn't* go...

I can't got back. What would I say, anyway? I don't want to see the look on Raijin's face when he finds out that Fuujin's dead...

Oh...Fuujin's dead, Fuujin's dead and everywhere I look all I see is her face, pale as always, giving me that look of hers... the one that said, 'You screwed up again, Almasy, but I forgive you-- just like always.' The wind is so quiet now...

Goddamnit, Fuu! I don't want you to forgive me! I want you to hate me! I want anger! Wrath! *RAGE*, Fuu! Don't let me down! Hit me with a wind storm, a tornado, murder me like I murdered you-- like I fucking *deserve*, Fuujin!

I'm pleading you.

...but if anything, the wind blows more softly now. What're you tryin' to tell me, Fuu? I don't understand!

The ocean in front of me is calm the way it can only be after a squall- it's quiet, churning roars drowning out the sound of your dying voice.

At my side, I hold Hyperion. I hadn't even noticed that I had been carrying it, hell, clinging to it- squeezing it so hard I cut off the circulation in my fingers.

I pull it up so that I can look at it, shiny metal dripping crimson. I used to love the way Hyperion looked after a battle.

Some battle.

I draw back my gunblade, the same way as when I do No Mercy. So many attacks- all these years I've spent, wasted, perfecting every step, every slash...for what?

I hurl it with all my strength. It does not splash the water, it slices into it, like an expert diver. It does not protest- it drives itself down in the sea, zealous and deadly as always... *too* zealous and deadly.

My side...well, I've survived worse wounds than this. If I cure it slowly, it will leave a scar bigger than if I healed it all at once. A badge of dishonor, that I may never forget my sweet Fuu and what occurred today.

My trenchcoat is torn and bloody. I think it's beyond repair this time. My gloves, too, bear the marks of death. I could take them off, but her blood would still be on my hands. I'm...afraid to look.

But the blood's not just on my hands. It's everywhere. As I take a glance backwards I see the trail I left, dark spots marking the path behind me. Fuck. I led 'em right to me.

I'll wade my way back to Balamb. From there I can sneak on a boat out of here- I can't afford a train.

It's time to start over again. Alone.

I don't know what Raijin will do without us, Fuu. I feel bad just leaving him to...to find you like this. Well, it's not as if he can tag along with me. I'm sure Garden will take him back in when they find out what happened. Tragedy makes for good publicity, ya know?

I'm...sorry. There, I said it. I'm sorry. Things weren't supposed to be this way, Fuujin. I didn't mean to hurt you. I could never, Fuu-sama. You were my dearest friend and confidante. I...I loved you, Fuu.

Forgive me.