Final Fantasy F.R.I.E.N.D.S.
By Quisty
(For reference, the cast is as follows: Cloud = Ross, Tifa = Rachael, Aeris = Pheobe, Reno = Joey, Rufus = Chandler, and Elena = Monica. Oh yes, and please excuse my inability to spell!)
So no one told you life was gonna be this way!
You're life's a joke, you're broke - hey! GET BACK ON THAT COUCH! NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!
Quisty: Alright, funny! Now GET BACK HERE! The opening credits are not over yet! . . .Allo? Peoples? Aw, just get on with the show.
Tifa: Elena! Where's my diet shake? I can't eat anything else or they'll fire me for gaining weight!
Elena:
Tifa: What?
Elena: They have a fat free latte' at Centeral Perkiness!
Tifa: Well, gee willikers, let's go to the same coffee house we always go to!
Elena: Great idea!
Cloud: SIGH!
Director: No no! You actually sigh, you don't say 'sigh'!
Cloud: Oh, right!
Director: Take two!
Cloud: SIGH- er, 'hohummmmmmmmmmmmm'. I wish I didn't say Tifa's name when I was at the altar with Yuffie.
Rufus: You need to get over that.
Tifa: Oh, Cloud, you're here . . .
Cloud: Oh, Tifa, you're here . . .
Reno: I have a problem!
Aeris: What is it?
Reno: I haven't had a job in weeks! My last acting job was the infomercial for milk.
Aeris: Oh! With the cow?
Reno: Yeah. So Teef, I need to ask you a favor.
Tifa: Sure, Reno, what is it?
Reno: Can you get me some, um, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . sophisticated! clothes?
Director:
Tifa: Okay! Come to Ralph Lauren at lunch tomorrow.
Aeris: You got a job at Ralph Lauren?! I'm SOOOOOOOOOOO happy!
Tifa: Aeris, I've been working there for a year!
Aeris: What about Bloomingdales?
Tifa:
Aeris: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . right!
Director:
Camera Man: Woa!
Quisty: Problem boss?
Director: CUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Director: NOOOOOOOOOOOO! Do not touch! You gain a pound and I fire you!
Rufus: But we're disgustingly frail! Look-
Aeris: AHHHHHHHHH!
Director: Sex sells!
Aeris: Help . . . . . . me . . . . . . can't . . . . stand . . . . need calcium . . . .
Director: Someone give her some Retalin!
Quisty:
Aeris: Happy pill . . . .
Quisty:
Reno: I need food!
Cloud: Please!
Director: NO! Back on set!
All: SIGH!
Director: AHEM!
All: Hohummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!
Director: That's better! Take three!
Tifa: Well, I need to go! I have a date!
Elena: OOOOOOOOOO! With who?
Cloud: SIGH!
Tifa: His name's Nanaki and this girl at work, Scarlet, says he's a real catch!
Elena: Well, see ya!
Others: Bye!
Cloud: SIGH!
Rufus: Hey, Reno, let's go play Fire Ball!
Reno: OH YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Director: CUT!
Cast: WANT FOOD OR NO WORK!
Director: SIGH! Fine, one ounce of food each!
Cast: WOO HOO!
Director: Okay, back on the set! Take four!
Tifa:
Hostess: Right this way!
Red: Tifa I suppose?
Tifa: N-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-nanaki???????
Red: Yes, pleased to make you're aquaintance. Shall we order?
Tifa: You're a -you're a- a-
Red: Yes, I am an executive at work. I'm glad you've noticed me!
Tifa:
Waitress: May I take your order?
Red: Yes, I'll have the -oh wait, Tifa? Could you open the menu? I have no thumbs.
Tifa: Dahhhhhhhh! Er, sure.
Red: Hmmmm, the soup looks good. Chicken noodle, please.
Waitress: And you, mam'?
Tifa: A, well, the salad with Ranch please.
Waitress: Okay then, I'll be right back with your food!
Quisty: So, you single like the tabloids say?
Cloud: You read tabloids?
Quisty: NO! Er, just in the checkout line, you know . . .
Cloud: Right . . .
Quisty: Well, are you, are you . . .
Cloud: Am I what?
Quisty:
Cloud: Uh, what?
Cloud: Oooooops!
Quisty: Oh no!
Director: AHHHHHHHH! Quisty! Write something! The next scenes coming up!
Quisty: Oh no! Right! Um, better get some caffene in my system . . . here we go!
Tifa: Well, this has been an, interesting night. I'll call you, don't call me!
Red: Oh, I won't! I can't dial the phone with no fingers.
Tifa: Uh, heh heh! Good night!
Red: Good night! See you later!
Tifa: Right . . .
Rufus: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOUCH!
Elena: Hey!
Tifa: Oh sorry! Hey, what are you doing here Rufus?
Rufus: I uh, I uh . . .
Elena&Rufus: NO! DON'T TURN THE LIGHTS ON!
<'click'>
Tifa: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Elena&Rufus: WE SAID DON'T TURN THE LIGHTS ON!
Tifa: Oh my gawd!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Elena: Well, now she's on to us . . .
Rufus: So know only Cloud doesn't know what's going on?
Tifa: EWWWW! Elena, how could you do that? It's RUFUS for God's sake!
Elena: Well, um, heh heh! Just promise you won't tell Cloud!
Tifa: He's your brother!
Elena: Exactly!
Tifa: Oh . . . . . . nasty!!!!!!!!!!
Director: Cut! Perecto!!!!!!!!!! Quisty, how's the script going?
Quisty: La la llllllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Director: Wha . . .?
Quisty: A . . . . m . . .. o . . .. .s . . . . t . . .D. . . . . o . . . . . n . . . . .e . . . . .
Director: Good! Alright! Places everyone!
Reno:
Tifa: Hi Reno. Hi Reno. Hi.
Reno: Hmmm, you found out about Rufus and Elena, huh?
Tifa: You knew!!!!!!!!!!!???????????
Reno: Oh yeah, but I told Rufus I wouldn't tell anyone.
Tifa: Reno! Not even me??
Reno: Nope, sorry.
Tifa: Ugh! Well, let's do these clothes.
Reno: Hee hee! You said 'do'!
Director:
Tifa: Um, yeah.
Reno: Woa woa woa! Uh uh! No no no!
Tifa: What?
Reno: No purse! What is that?!
Tifa: It's a man's bag!
Reno: Huh?
Tifa:
Reno: But . . . it's a pur-ur-se!
Tifa: Oh, but it makes you look so sophisticated!
Reno: Fine! If it'll help me get a job, then I'll do it!
Rufus: Anyone seen Reno latly?
Cloud: SIGH! I wish Yuffie were here. I love her SOOOOOOO much!
Aeris: GET OVER IT!
Tifa: Meet the new and improved Reno!
Rufus:
Aeris: Rain rain rain . . . HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Rufus: WHAT IS THAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Reno: What's what?
Cloud: The bag!! SIGH! Yuffie had a purse too . . .
Reno: It's not a purse! It's a Man's Bag. Very sophisticated!
Rufus: Yeah, if you're a girl!
Director: Pssst! Quisty, got that script done? We're outta lines!
Quisty: U................h...............Y..........e..........a................h........I........T...........h......i........n.......k.....S......o........H.....e.....e....e....e..e..e.e.e.e.e.e!
Director: Um, well, whateve works! Cid!
Cid: Wha?
Director: Put the cigarette out and write these on cue cards. Then you and Vincey hold em up.
Vincent: Excuse me. Were you reffereing to me when you said 'Vincy'?
Director: Yeah, Vincy baby!
Vincent: I am sorry, but my name is Vincent. Not Vincy. Not Vince. And I'm not a stage hand. I am here because quite frankly I have no where else to go and I need to keep Barret and Cait Sith from strangling each other.
Vincent: Oh grand. Now they're starting up . . .
Director: Right . . .
Tifa: Well, Cloud, just because you are a . . . purple elephant???? doesn't mean you are a toad. What???????????
Aeris: La la land is so grnad ! I wann live with Peter Pan!
Rufus:
Tifa:
Rufus: That's not on the cue cards!
Aeris: Shhhhhh! Shhhhhhhhh!Walk don't talk! SHHHHH! SHHHHHH! Words scare the birds!
Rufus: Don't be a brontosaurus!
Tifa: What the . . . PIKA PIKA CHUUUUUUUUUUU!
Cloud: Oooooo wimba way ooooo wimba way!
Elena: In the jungle the mighty jungle the Nanaki sleeps to night! Huh?
Rufus: The hell?
Tifa: It's on the cue card.
Sephiroth: Romeo! Oh Romeo! Where for art thou now Romeo? Refuse they father and ignore they name!
Cloud: You're my Juliet! I feel a mad connection with your body!
Reno: OOOH! Shake yer bon bon shake yer bon bon! What's this chick on?
Aeris: Do you know the muffin man?
Everyone:
Sephiroth: That's not my name!
Tifa: Then what is it?
Sephiroth: Psst psst psst!
Tifa: OH!
Everyone:
Director: HOLY GUACAMOLY!
Sephiroth: My name is huh? My name is what? My name is chika chika chika - Slim Sephy!
Director: CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT! Roll credits! Agh!
Cid: Okay . . .
So no on told you life was gonna . . . what the! AH OH IT HURTS STOP PAIN! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Tifa: What the?
All: AHHHHHHHHHH!
Aeris: I just want to say sorry to Quisty's parents. I'm sorry! I'm sorry!! Ah ah ahaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Aeris: Oh god! TURN THE LIGHTS OFF! ALL OFF! AHHHHHHHHHH!
Tifa: Aeris! Stop!
Tifa: OH NO!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Aeris: AH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Cloud: AHHHHHHHHHHH!
Reno: AH! HELP ME!
Aeris: Reno? Where are you?
Aeris: Reno? Cloud? Tifa? Oh god! NOOOOO!
Rufus: Go away Aeris! Run!
Aeris: Where are you?
Rufus: JUST RUN!!!
Aeris: huh? AHH! NO WAY!
Aeris: OH HO GOD! HELLO?! IS ANYONE HERE?! ARE YOU ALIVE?
Rufus: Gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Aeris: Rufus? Ru- huh?
(OOOOKAYYYYYYYYY! Whata you think? Weird? Maybe I really should take some Retalin! Well, email me at QuistisChick@aol.com if you wanna tell me what you think. Buh bye!)