Final Fantasy F.R.I.E.N.D.S.
By Quisty

(For reference, the cast is as follows: Cloud = Ross, Tifa = Rachael, Aeris = Pheobe, Reno = Joey, Rufus = Chandler, and Elena = Monica. Oh yes, and please excuse my inability to spell!)



So no one told you life was gonna be this way!



You're life's a joke, you're broke - hey! GET BACK ON THAT COUCH! NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!



Quisty: Alright, funny! Now GET BACK HERE! The opening credits are not over yet! . . .Allo? Peoples? Aw, just get on with the show.



Tifa: Elena! Where's my diet shake? I can't eat anything else or they'll fire me for gaining weight!

Elena: Gee, Teef, I don't know. But guess what?

Tifa: What?

Elena: They have a fat free latte' at Centeral Perkiness!

Tifa: Well, gee willikers, let's go to the same coffee house we always go to!

Elena: Great idea!



Cloud: SIGH!

Director: No no! You actually sigh, you don't say 'sigh'!

Cloud: Oh, right!

Director: Take two!

Cloud: SIGH- er, 'hohummmmmmmmmmmmm'. I wish I didn't say Tifa's name when I was at the altar with Yuffie.

Rufus: You need to get over that.



Tifa: Oh, Cloud, you're here . . .

Cloud: Oh, Tifa, you're here . . .

Reno: I have a problem!

Aeris: What is it?

Reno: I haven't had a job in weeks! My last acting job was the infomercial for milk.

Aeris: Oh! With the cow?

Reno: Yeah. So Teef, I need to ask you a favor.

Tifa: Sure, Reno, what is it?

Reno: Can you get me some, um, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . sophisticated! clothes?

Director:

Tifa: Okay! Come to Ralph Lauren at lunch tomorrow.

Aeris: You got a job at Ralph Lauren?! I'm SOOOOOOOOOOO happy!

Tifa: Aeris, I've been working there for a year!

Aeris: What about Bloomingdales?

Tifa: I was fired!

Aeris: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . right!

Director:

Camera Man: Woa!

Quisty: Problem boss?

Director: CUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Director: NOOOOOOOOOOOO! Do not touch! You gain a pound and I fire you!

Rufus: But we're disgustingly frail! Look-

Aeris: AHHHHHHHHH!

Director: Sex sells!

Aeris: Help . . . . . . me . . . . . . can't . . . . stand . . . . need calcium . . . .

Director: Someone give her some Retalin!

Quisty:

Aeris: Happy pill . . . .

Quisty:

Reno: I need food!

Cloud: Please!

Director: NO! Back on set!

All: SIGH!

Director: AHEM!

All: Hohummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!

Director: That's better! Take three!



Tifa: Well, I need to go! I have a date!

Elena: OOOOOOOOOO! With who?

Cloud: SIGH!

Tifa: His name's Nanaki and this girl at work, Scarlet, says he's a real catch!

Elena: Well, see ya!

Others: Bye!

Cloud: SIGH!

Rufus: Hey, Reno, let's go play Fire Ball!

Reno: OH YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Director: CUT!

Cast: WANT FOOD OR NO WORK!

Director: SIGH! Fine, one ounce of food each!

Cast: WOO HOO!



Director: Okay, back on the set! Take four!

Tifa: Hmmm, my date's an hour late. Where could he be?

Hostess: Right this way!



Red: Tifa I suppose?

Tifa: N-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-nanaki???????

Red: Yes, pleased to make you're aquaintance. Shall we order?

Tifa: You're a -you're a- a-

Red: Yes, I am an executive at work. I'm glad you've noticed me!

Tifa: Um, sure.

Waitress: May I take your order?

Red: Yes, I'll have the -oh wait, Tifa? Could you open the menu? I have no thumbs.

Tifa: Dahhhhhhhh! Er, sure.

Red: Hmmmm, the soup looks good. Chicken noodle, please.

Waitress: And you, mam'?

Tifa: A, well, the salad with Ranch please.

Waitress: Okay then, I'll be right back with your food!



Quisty: So, you single like the tabloids say?

Cloud: You read tabloids?

Quisty: NO! Er, just in the checkout line, you know . . .

Cloud: Right . . .

Quisty: Well, are you, are you . . .

Cloud: Am I what?

Quisty: Busy on . . . aw geez . . .

Cloud: Uh, what?



Cloud: Oooooops!

Quisty: Oh no!

Director: AHHHHHHHH! Quisty! Write something! The next scenes coming up!

Quisty: Oh no! Right! Um, better get some caffene in my system . . . here we go!





Tifa: Well, this has been an, interesting night. I'll call you, don't call me!

Red: Oh, I won't! I can't dial the phone with no fingers.

Tifa: Uh, heh heh! Good night!

Red: Good night! See you later!

Tifa: Right . . .

Rufus: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOUCH!

Elena: Hey!

Tifa: Oh sorry! Hey, what are you doing here Rufus?

Rufus: I uh, I uh . . .



Elena&Rufus: NO! DON'T TURN THE LIGHTS ON!

<'click'>

Tifa: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Elena&Rufus: WE SAID DON'T TURN THE LIGHTS ON!

Tifa: Oh my gawd!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Elena: Well, now she's on to us . . .

Rufus: So know only Cloud doesn't know what's going on?

Tifa: EWWWW! Elena, how could you do that? It's RUFUS for God's sake!

Elena: Well, um, heh heh! Just promise you won't tell Cloud!

Tifa: He's your brother!

Elena: Exactly!

Tifa: Oh . . . . . . nasty!!!!!!!!!!



Director: Cut! Perecto!!!!!!!!!! Quisty, how's the script going?

Quisty: La la llllllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Director: Wha . . .?

Quisty: A . . . . m . . .. o . . .. .s . . . . t . . .D. . . . . o . . . . . n . . . . .e . . . . .

Director: Good! Alright! Places everyone!



Reno: Hey Teef!

Tifa: Hi Reno. Hi Reno. Hi.

Reno: Hmmm, you found out about Rufus and Elena, huh?

Tifa: You knew!!!!!!!!!!!???????????

Reno: Oh yeah, but I told Rufus I wouldn't tell anyone.

Tifa: Reno! Not even me??

Reno: Nope, sorry.

Tifa: Ugh! Well, let's do these clothes.

Reno: Hee hee! You said 'do'!

Director:

Tifa: Um, yeah.



Reno: Woa woa woa! Uh uh! No no no!

Tifa: What?

Reno: No purse! What is that?!

Tifa: It's a man's bag!

Reno: Huh?

Tifa: See? All the male models have them this year.

Reno: But . . . it's a pur-ur-se!

Tifa: Oh, but it makes you look so sophisticated!

Reno: Fine! If it'll help me get a job, then I'll do it!



Rufus: Anyone seen Reno latly?

Cloud: SIGH! I wish Yuffie were here. I love her SOOOOOOO much!

Aeris: GET OVER IT!



Tifa: Meet the new and improved Reno!

the BAG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BUM BUM BUM!>

Rufus:

Aeris: Rain rain rain . . . HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Rufus: WHAT IS THAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Reno: What's what?

Cloud: The bag!! SIGH! Yuffie had a purse too . . .

Reno: It's not a purse! It's a Man's Bag. Very sophisticated!

Rufus: Yeah, if you're a girl!



Director: Pssst! Quisty, got that script done? We're outta lines!

Quisty: U................h...............Y..........e..........a................h........I........T...........h......i........n.......k.....S......o........H.....e.....e....e....e..e..e.e.e.e.e.e!

Director: Um, well, whateve works! Cid!



Cid: Wha?

Director: Put the cigarette out and write these on cue cards. Then you and Vincey hold em up.

Vincent: Excuse me. Were you reffereing to me when you said 'Vincy'?

Director: Yeah, Vincy baby!

Vincent: I am sorry, but my name is Vincent. Not Vincy. Not Vince. And I'm not a stage hand. I am here because quite frankly I have no where else to go and I need to keep Barret and Cait Sith from strangling each other.



Vincent: Oh grand. Now they're starting up . . .

Director: Right . . .



Tifa: Well, Cloud, just because you are a . . . purple elephant???? doesn't mean you are a toad. What???????????



Aeris: La la land is so grnad ! I wann live with Peter Pan!

Rufus: You know what's scary?

Tifa: No, what?

Rufus: That's not on the cue cards!

Aeris: Shhhhhh! Shhhhhhhhh!Walk don't talk! SHHHHH! SHHHHHH! Words scare the birds!

Rufus: Don't be a brontosaurus!

Tifa: What the . . . PIKA PIKA CHUUUUUUUUUUU!

Cloud: Oooooo wimba way ooooo wimba way!

Elena: In the jungle the mighty jungle the Nanaki sleeps to night! Huh?



Rufus: The hell?

Tifa: It's on the cue card.

Sephiroth: Romeo! Oh Romeo! Where for art thou now Romeo? Refuse they father and ignore they name!

Cloud: You're my Juliet! I feel a mad connection with your body!

Reno: OOOH! Shake yer bon bon shake yer bon bon! What's this chick on?



Aeris: Do you know the muffin man?

Everyone: Ira venhementi! Estuans interius! Ira venhementi! Sephiroth!

Sephiroth: That's not my name!

Tifa: Then what is it?

Sephiroth: Psst psst psst!

Tifa: OH!

Everyone: Veni, veni, venias! Ne me mori facias! Veni, veni, venias! Ne me mori facias! Slim shadie!

Director: HOLY GUACAMOLY!

Sephiroth: My name is huh? My name is what? My name is chika chika chika - Slim Sephy!

Director: CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT! Roll credits! Agh!

Cid: Okay . . .

So no on told you life was gonna . . . what the! AH OH IT HURTS STOP PAIN! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Tifa: What the?



All: AHHHHHHHHHH!



Aeris: I just want to say sorry to Quisty's parents. I'm sorry! I'm sorry!! Ah ah ahaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!



Aeris: Oh god! TURN THE LIGHTS OFF! ALL OFF! AHHHHHHHHHH!

Tifa: Aeris! Stop!



Tifa: OH NO!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Aeris: AH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!



Cloud: AHHHHHHHHHHH!

Reno: AH! HELP ME!

Aeris: Reno? Where are you?



Aeris: Reno? Cloud? Tifa? Oh god! NOOOOO!

Rufus: Go away Aeris! Run!

Aeris: Where are you?

Rufus: JUST RUN!!!

Aeris: huh? AHH! NO WAY!



Aeris: OH HO GOD! HELLO?! IS ANYONE HERE?! ARE YOU ALIVE?

Rufus: Gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Aeris: Rufus? Ru- huh?



(OOOOKAYYYYYYYYY! Whata you think? Weird? Maybe I really should take some Retalin! Well, email me at QuistisChick@aol.com if you wanna tell me what you think. Buh bye!)