Was there ever a world without it?

A time where I could breathe without millions of tiny knifes stabbing my chest . . .

Or move around without opening the same wound over and over again . . . A world were my leg actually moved when I told it too . . .

A time that my head didn't feel like a smithy . . .

A world where I could open my eyes without getting so dizzy, I got sick all over the bed . . .

Why was I here again? Oh yeah . . . Jumping. Or flying? What . . . Hitting the trees . . .

I coughed. My body flew into a spasm of pain. More pain that was usual. So why don't I stopped coughing? But I can't . . . Why can't I again?

The trees . . . There was a tree! No wait . . . Was that a chair? Yes! A chair! Not the branches . . . The leaves . . . Tearing at me . . . pain . . .

Coughing . . . Red? Blood? Why blood? The red came when I coughed . . . Coughing blood?

"Oh SHIT!" Rinoa said. But it wasn't Rinoa . . . I couldn't be Rinoa! Rinoa was back at the Garden . . . This man was the chocoboy in Gongaga forest! He took me in . . . Why can't I die and leave the pain?

Selphie . . . Rinoa . . . Quistis . . . Squall . . . Zell . . . Ellone . . . Seifer . . . I had to say sorry! I can't die yet . . .

There was Rinoa, though! No, that ISN'T the chocoboy! That was Rinoa . . .

"Irvine," she said, "Irvine . . . we miss you. Come back!"

"I want to . . . But I'd . . ." Wait, no . . . Irvine, don't talk. It hurts . . . But you have to talk! Tell Rinoa . . . Wait, where did she go?

Selphie?

"Irvy!" she yelled. Her face was red and blotchy. "He's gone! It was because of me . . ."

No Selphie! Never . . . If I came back to her now, she would hate me. They would all hate me.

There, in the corner! Quistis and Squall? Kissing?

"We're much better off without him," Squall said. "I tried to get rid of him once. When I left him at the Missile Base with Selphie. It didn't work, but he killed himself!"

Quistis smiled. "To Irvine. Thank Hyne we didn't have to do it ourselves . . ."

Really? You wanted me gone? Guys . . .

I have to get out of here! Move it, Kinneas . . .

Pain . . . Sleep . . . No! No sleep!

Ellone. She laughed.

"Family, Irvine? You have no family. No one gives a damn about you."

Selphie does! Doesn't she?

"Selphie DID love you, Irvine. But you hurt her too much. She hates you now."

No! Elle . . . Sis . . . It can't be true!

"Yes, Irvine. It is true."

Gotta get out . . . Gotta go . . . Gotta stay . . . Gotta live . . . Gotta die . . .

Coughing. Blood. Pain.

Zell . . . Zell still loved me, right? My brother, my friend . . . Ah, there was Zell. Sitting on my bed. He grinned at me.

"S'up, Irvine?" He asked. "So . . . You're not dead yet, huh? That's AWESOME! I never got to ask you if I could have your CD's."

That's all I am to you? CD's?

"Yeah," he said offhandedly. "You're just another country hick."

No! I'm NOT! I'm not even from the country . . . I think. Where did I come from?

Who's that blonde women over there? Her eyes . . . Her mouth . . . Where have I seen them before?

The mirror . . .

"Mom?" It took all my energy to say that word . . .

She walked over to me and put her hand on my forehead. "Irvine . . . My sunshine." She stroked back my wet bangs. "I love you. I've been watching you, Irvine. I'm very proud of my little boy." Her touch was so real, her voice so clear. It was like she was actually there, my mother . . .

"It's not your time, sunshine. Irvine, you have to fight. Don't give up. We will be reunited, but not now."

Mother . . . Who are you? What is your name? Why did you leave me? Where's my dad? Mommy . . . Don't go! Don't leave me again! Hold me in your arms . . . Rock me back and forth. Make it all better . . . Don't leave . . . Don't go away again! Not again! NO!

Fighting, screaming. Alcohol bottles breaking. Father yelling . . . Mother running . . . The orphanage . . . Don't leave my mommy! Come back! Memories . . . Coming back so clearly . . .

"What's his name?" Matron had asked.

"Irvine," mom had answered. She was bleeding profoundly, beaten within an inch of her life. Father did that to her, didn't she? "Irvine Kinneas . . ." she mumbled, and fainted.

"Mommy, get up!" I yelled. I shook her. "Get up, mommy! Let's go home! Mama . . . Wake up!"

A strange man took my mommy's wrist. He shook his head.

"Get your hands off mama!" I screamed. I tried to hit him, to get him away from mommy. The man just looked at me with really sad eyes.

"Come here, Irvine," said the women, the Matron. She picked me up. Her eyes were really sad, too.

"NO!" I yelled. "MOMMY!" I'll throw a tantrum! They were taking me away from my mother! I cried, I kicked, I screamed. I even bit Matron's arm. "MOMMY!"

She put lay me down on a bed. Next to it was a little girl. The matron walked out of the room. I screamed and threw a pillow at the door.

"Don't do that!" said the little girl. "Matwyn is a really, really nice lady!"

I glared at her. "She is not! She took me away from my mommy!"

The girl looked sad for a second. "She took me away from my mommy, too." Then she giggled. "But after that, I went to sleep and then she played hide-and-seek with me! What's your name?"

"Irvine."

"'Kay, Irvy! I'm Serl . . . Selp . . . I'm Sefie."

Sefie . . . She introduced me to Quisty (She ALWAYS made me be the bad guy!), Zell (Quisty tried to make him be a doggy, but he never played unless we ganged up on him and threw him in the mud), Sis (she was always nice! And sometimes she'd let me be the prince, if Quisty wasn't around . . .), Seifer (he was just a meany), and Squall (I didn't play with him much. He was no fun.)

Sefie, Quisty, Zell, Sis, Seifer, Squall, Matron, Cid . . . I hurt them all so much . . . Why did I do that? Gotta get out of this place . . .

The chocoboy was standing over me. He was saying stuff . . . With shaking hands, I took the whistle that hung on his shirt. I tried to blow in it but my lungs wouldn't hold out . . .

The boy snatched it away from me. "What are you trying to do?"

I tried to tell him. "Selphie . . . Chocobo . . ."

The boy made a face. "Chocobo . . ." His eyes got sad. Like Cid and Matron's . . .

"He's not going to survive, anyway . . . Let him live the last moments of his life the way he wants. I can't do any more for him . . ." He blew the whistle. A chocobo ran to his side.

I tried to move my arms around the animals neck to boost myself up on it's back. My left arm was so bruised, though . . . It hardly moved. My left leg wouldn't move either; it was broken. My right side has a deep, deep gash running from my shoulder to my thigh . . . The tree branch . . .

"I wanna get on," I muttered. The boy understood. He helped me on, careful of my injuries.

The chocobo started running. It would run until I died . . . But I wasn't going to die.

Rinoa, I called out mentally. She was a sorceress . . . Couldn't she hear me? Rinoa, save me . . .

I feel asleep on the chocobo's back.