Rinoa.

Rinoa in a field of flowers, Rinoa, beckoning for me, Rinoa, my Rinoa . . .

Always Rinoa. Rinoa when I slept, Rinoa when I woke, Rinoa in between, Rinoa in my dreams, Rinoa, Rinoa, Rinoa, her name dancing on my lips, Rinoa, love that name, Rinoa, always loved that name, Rinoa, always loved Rinoa, Rinoa . . .

Always loved her. Always will love her. Loved her when I rescued her in Deling, loved her when I rescued Squall from the Desert, loved her when her beautiful hands pushed me down, back, to save Squall, "Go, Irvine, now!" Loved her always, loved her forever . . .

Rinoa.

***

Groaning, I tried to sit up.

My head throbbed, my whole body felt like a brand-new sort of Jell-o, my world spun around me, and it seemed as if my throat was getting smaller by the minute.

Compared to what I had been feeling, I was in heaven.

After a while of struggling, I discovered that sitting up was not working out very well, and I gave up on that and lay still. My body was perfectly happy with this arrangement, but my mind wished to know where I was. After a small debate with my mind, my body grudgingly agreed to open my eyes.

My eyes looked around. My eyes saw sky to the right, sky the left, and a bit of grass out another side. My eyes reported their discoveries back to my mind, who decided that it wanted some more information. It asked my body if it would please allow my head to be turned, and my body said it would think about this for a while. My mind didn't want to wait that long, and things were about to get ugly.

I, Irvine, was finding the antics of my body and my mind extremely boring.

I cleared my throat, and tried to see if it still worked. Maybe there was someone in this field of grass, wanting to talk to me. There had to be, considering the fact I was alive. "Hello?" I called out meekly. My voice came out hoarse, but it was still usable. Getting a bit braver, I tried saying "Hello!". This was slightly more difficult than saying "Hello?", but I think I managed it pretty well.

A voice answered my plea. "Irvine? Are you awake?"

I recognized that voice straight away. "Rinoa!" Slowly, I attempted to prop myself up on my elbows. Rinoa rushed over to me as I tried this, putting her hands on my shoulders and pushing me back down to the ground. She looked at me firmly, her soft lips pursed together peremptorily.

"Are you awake," she said, the question sounding more like a demand then a question.

"I would hope so," I said. "If I'm not, well, I guess I finally figured out how the hell one goes about dying and am now in heaven with an angel who has been sent here to make the rest of eternity veeeery pleasurable." I winked at her, hoping that making jokes would lighten her mood a bit.

Rinoa was not amused. This wasn't good. I was hoping she would be amused, because that would mean she would not be angry. She looked angry. Rinoa wasn't very pleasurable angry. I'm very afraid of an angry Rinoa.

"Why did you DO that, Irvine?" she asked, well, angrily. Wow, already lecturing me on my suicide attempt. This women wastes no time. "Do you realize how much Selphie cried? How much I cried? You drove Quistis and Squall out of the Garden, you know. They stole the Ragnorok and ran away to Hyne knows where. Because of you!"

Biting my lip, I intelligently said "Um . . ." and hoped all would be forgiven. This ploy didn't work, and Rinoa continued on her tirade.

"And then you survived! Not that I'm mad about that, of COURSE not, but still, I did have to ride all the way out to the middle of nowhere and heal you. It was tiring, and I don't want to do it again! Why, Irvine?"

My breath came out short and shallow as I tried not to cry. I would never cry in front of someone. I knew I should defend myself, make her understand why. I could tell her all the pain I felt before, before I found Squall, before I knew my family. I could tell her of the joy I felt when I was reunited with my Selphie, my beautiful Selphie, my Quistis, my Zell, my Squall, my Matron, my Seifer, my family. I could tell her how peaceful I felt, how the hole that had been inside of me was finally, finally filled, and how Quistis and Squall destroyed that. I could tell her that I knew that I still had a family, but that it wasn't the one I thought it was. I still love Squall, Quistis, yeah, I hurt them, I could tell her I never want to see them again because I know they hate me now . . .

I didn't tell her any of that. I just closed my eyes and bit on my lip harder, hard enough that my tongue tasted my own blood. I let the blood flow down the inside of my lip, letting the salty, metallic fluid dance in my mouth. Why am I still living? Why didn't I die? I hurt everyone. I shouldn't live.

"I'm sorry . . ." I murmured softly, the words coming out of my damaged throat thickly, morosely, painfully. Something fell on my cheek, something small and wet. Was I crying? I told myself not to cry! Stupid Irvine, do not cry!

Another droplet fell, and I opened my eyes. The tears were coming from Rinoa.

"I shouldn't have asked you that. I should have . . . I'm sorry. I . . ."

Why was she crying? Her arm came up to wipe away her tears, coming across her face slowly. She looked like a child doing this, small and lost. Where was her mommy? What was she looking for?

"You miss Squall," I said quietly. I slowly guided my hand up to her neck, and tried to pull myself around her in an embrace I hoped would make all okay.

I wanted to be Squall for her, I wanted to kiss her, I wanted her. I wanted Rinoa.

She leaned down, sliding one smooth, sweet arm underneath me and bringing me up close to her. Her tears fell down faster, falling on my shoulder. I stroked her hair, loving the feel of the millions of silky strands running through my fingers.

I wanted this. I've always wanted this.

She was just a friend . . . She was Squall's, eternally Squall's, even if he didn't want her . . . I couldn't have her, no, never, she was . . . She was in my arms, and I knew I couldn't have her, she didn't want me, she would never want me, why, why not, my Rinoa . . .

Another tear fell, but it was mine. This small drop was followed by another and another, hitting Rinoa's shoulder like her tears were hitting mine.

We just sat there like that for awhile, me crying because I couldn't have her, her crying because she couldn't have Squall. But, still, even though our loves weren't directed in the same ways, we were one at the moment. I was Rinoa, and she was me, and everything was everything, and . . .

***

Two days after I first awoke, I figured out how to make my legs move in such a way that they brought me places. I was walking, finally. It hurt a bit, but walking is such a glorious thing that I completely ignored the dull pain in my left leg.

Three days after that, the pain was completely gone, and I felt perfectly fine. Currently, I was pacing back and forth. Every so often, I would reach up to play with my hat, which wasn't there. Then I would remember that it was at Balamb, and began to think about it. Then my thoughts would turn elsewhere, and I'd forget all about my hat and try to grab hold of it again.

I did this again, my fingers trying to catch hold of air. I sighed loudly, and tried to glare at the place where the brim of my hat would be. It's very difficult to glare at a place above your head, but I think I managed it pretty well. I must of looked stupid doing it, though, because I heard Rinoa's beautiful laugh come from nowhere.

I jumped up, and look around. Rinoa was nowhere in the field . . . She was sitting under that tree just five minutes ago! Wait . . . I could see something blue behind the branches . . .

I walked over to this tree and looked up. Sure enough, there was Rinoa, grinning at me and kicking her legs.

"What are you doing up there?" I asked, amazed. Rinoa never ceased to amaze me . . . Climbing a tree? I haven't done that in ten years!

"I'm sitting," she said, giggling. "I wanna see if you can come up here. If you can't, well, try. It'll be good for you."

I looked at her incredulously. "You want me to come up there."

"Yes."

"You want me to come up in a tree."

"Yes."

I shrugged. What's the worse that could happen? I'd fall? Well, I've survived worse drops . . .

Grabbing one branch, I set my foot against the trunk and pulled myself upwards. This wasn't painful at all, and I made my way up the tree to a branch that faced the one Rinoa was sitting on very easily. I maneuvered myself so that I sat facing her, and said "Hi."

She smiled and said "Hi!" back, her voice full of mirth and life. Her hair was tangled with leafs, twigs, and some flowers. Where she got the flowers, I didn't know, but she looked absolutely beautiful with them. She was Ophelia, the tragic Ophelia who had been given new life. Ophelia as an angel, that what she was.

How could Squall give this up? I thought as I gazed upon her beautiful eyes, which were half closed at the moment, squinting in the sun. My beauty, my angel, my Ophelia . . . She looked so lovely, so radiant. Before, when I first woke, she was slightly sickly looking. Using her powers must have been draining, and I hated myself for making her do it. Yet, still, even when she was tired, even when her skin was so pale and her eyes flecked with yellow, she was still a beauty. Like the moon, she was, shinning and wonderful.

Now, though, now, after we had both recovered, she was the Rinoa I knew, smiling, her eyes the deep, dark brown I knew and loved, my Rinoa . . . The flowers in her hair added to her beauty, added to my wanting. I wished she would lean over and kiss me, let me feel her body . . . She didn't, though.

What she did do was get a serious look on her face, scaring me slightly. Was she going to yell at me? "When I healed you, I had to get inside your mind. I had to know your thoughts, figure out where all the wounds were. Some of them were obvious, but I knew you had internal abrasions somewhere that I had to fix. I don't normally do that, you know, going into people's minds and such, but I had too. I really hate doing it, though, because then I find out secrets and things I'm not supposed to know."

I froze. What was she saying? "So like . . . You heard my thoughts?"

"Um, yeah. Okay, so don't comment on anything for a while, because this is sort of hard to say. I mean, not really, but I don't even know what I mean, so, well, just don't interrupt. Okay . . . I know you love me. I was extremely touched at first, and thought that I shouldn't comment on it, ever. But after a while I really started to like you, a lot." She looked downwards and started to twirl her foot in the air, as if she wanted to twist it in the ground. I love that little habit of hers, how she can find her foot so interesting in a crisis. She always looked like a child at those times, like she did the first night. I loved Rinoa's childishness, her innocence. She was also so dangerous, so mature, a Sorceress. These traits, together, created the tantalizing paradox of Rinoa, the girl I secretly love, the girl who now knows this secret . . . She likes me? What is she saying?

"At first, I thought this attraction was born out of vengeance, you know, for Squall. Then I thought that wasn't it, and that I really, truly liked you. And, well, I just don't know anymore. Right now, like, my heart is really, really aching for you. I don't know if it still wants Squall- no, it will always want Squall, but someday it will bury Squall in the deep recess of itself and make room for someone else. Has it done that, yet? Is my heart ready for you?"

Yes! Yes! It had to be! I wanted to scream it out, yes! And, if it isn't, I don't care, I just want you, just you for two sweet seconds, just to hold you and have you love me, love me, Rinoa, my angel, love me, I don't care for how long, just love me, my beauty, my Ophelia.

"I don't want to hurt you, Irvine, you've been hurt way too much. If I'm not ready for you, well, it'll hurt you. But I really think I . . ."

Now the words danced to my lips, flooding outward in a flow of eloquence and love. "I don't care, Rinoa. I love you, and I know I do. If it doesn't work out, that's fine, because I would have had you. As long as I can have you, Rinoa, even if it's for a week, Rinoa, I love that name, Rinoa, Rinoa . . . Even if it's for a week, I'll die happy. No, I'll die ecstatic. I love you." Saying that to her, I love you, that sent beautiful shocks of adrenaline through me. I wanted to say it to her over and over, have her sweaty body in my arms, kissing her lips, her chest, burying my face in her essence, become one with her . . .

She looked up at me, and stopped turning her foot. She leaned forward, shakily, yes! Yes, this is it, let her kiss me, let her breasts graze my chest, let us be together . . .

But, no, she didn't kiss me. She put a finger to my lips, and smiled. Slowly, she started to climb down the tree, the leaves still in her hair. I followed her, wishing she'd hurry, wanting to get to the ground, knowing what would happen.

Finally, both of us stood, facing eachother. Rinoa, my Ophelia, no, I was Ophelia, I would die for her, just like that tragic maiden, I would die if my Rinoa left me!

She moved her arms around me, like she did before, pulling me close, and we kissed. I slipped her duster off, then her shirt, and then I had her, under the tree, our tree, together, and I had my Rinoa.

*****

Three days after. She lay against me, her lithe body pushing against mine. I loved the way she felt, how she smiled. We fit together perfectly, she felt so right . . .

The sun was beginning it's slow descent, crawling down the sky. It was a beautiful sunset, especially since my Rinoa was next to me.

"We need to go back to the Garden," she said drolly. "We're running out of food supplies."

I sighed, and tilted my head back so I could look at the sky. "I don't want to go back, not yet. I'm not ready to face Selphie . . ." I looked at her, and quickly kissed her on the lips. She did that to me all the time, kissing me randomly. I liked doing it back to her. "We could go to Deling. I can see all the street lights off in the distance, sometimes, so it can't be far from here."

Rinoa made a face. It's hard to describe what the face looked like; it was just the sort of expression only Rinoa could make. "Deling? I hate Deling!"

"Well, if we're going to be Tarzan and Jane and live out in the wild, we really do need some source of food. And the dried stuff you brought is running out. So, it's either eat Geezard meat, or go to Deling. Plus, we could stay at the hotel and tell the manager to put the bill on Squall Leonhart's tab."

Rinoa laughed. "Okay, fine, if your so keen on Deling . . . You know, we really should try that."

"Try what?"

"Staying at the hotel and making Squall pay!"

Now it was my turn to laugh. "He'll be really pissed at us."

"He's already pissed at us."

"Good point . . ."

She looked at me, and grinned. "We'll leave tomorrow, then..." ~Owari~