(The gang have met up with the rest and have now arrived outside a shop not to far from Mike’s house)
Kamui- Mike what the hell are we doing here? It’s a sweet shop!
Mike- All will be revealed. (They all pile out of the car and walk into the shop... except QC who kind of floated)
Seifer- Mike, this shop only sells sweets!
Voice- Oh really, young man?!
Seifer Aaaaaaggggghhhhhh!!!! (Seifer turns around to see a man with one arm and a cigarette in his mouth stood directly behind him.)
Seifer- Crap! Don’t do that!
Mike- We are here for weapons.
One Armed Man- No I’m sorry sir all we sell is sweets and sweets and more... (the man trails off as another customer leaves the shop.) This way please. (He leads them to the back of the shop.)
Carlie- There is nothing here!
One Armed Man- Impatient little thing. (He pushes a button on the wall beside him and as the lights turn on the walls revolve revealing masses of guns, knives, chains, whips, etc on the other side.)
All- WOW!!!!!!!!!
Gez- (her eyes are huge) Oh... my... God... I have died on gone to heaven! (She runs up to the guns and picks one up).
One Armed Man- Excellent choice madam, that very gun can shoot to a range of...
Kal- Mike how do you know about this place anyway?
Krow- Yeah Mike? How do you know about a place like this? And why have you never told me about it?!
Kal- Mike? (The turn around to see Mike and Saba kissing passionately)
All- (groan)
Carlie- Get a room, you guys.
Seifer- I don’t think he can hear you.
Kuja- Aaaaaaawwwwwwww, leave them alone.
(Everyone chooses some weapons... even Saba and Mike, eventually).
Gez- But I don’t want just five guns!
Kal- Gez, for the last time, you can’t have them ALL!
Gez- but I can’t just leave them here! I need them... listen, they are calling me.
Saba- I can’t hear anything... she must have very good hearing.
Kal- Oh God! *bashes head against wall*
Kamui- Right, has everyone got at least five weapons? AND no more than we can carry Gez! (He turns and looks at Gez who is carrying an armful of guns etc...)
Krow- Right let’s all go back to Mikes now, I’m starving.
All- Yeah!
One Armed Man- Now now. There is still the little matter of the bill. (Mike points a gun at the one armed man’s head.) Okay... we can...we can forget the bill... please...please don’t kill me. (He pulls out a little tape recorder) Note to self... never put loaded guns out for anyone to take advantage of.
(They have all piled into the car again, Mike driving and Saba on his knee).
Gez- I still say you should have let me shoot him!
Saba, Carlie and QC- NO GEZ!
(They start to drive).
Krow- Mike? I hate to point this out... but this isn’t the way to your house.
Mike- ...
Seifer- He’s right... Mike where are we going? (They stop outside a complex containing a mega bowl, a cinema and a Mc Donald’s not unlike the Switch Island in Maghull (Gez’s crappy hometown, for those of you who care.))
Kamui- Mike? Why the hell did you bring us here?
Mike- Well you know... I was thinking. Maybe you lot could go have some fun.
Carlie- Mike, this really isn’t the time…
Kuja- She’s right Mike...
Mike- No! Really! I think you guys should go and have some fun... You know while me and Sab’s go back to mine...
Turin’s ghost- Ha ha! Mike wants to take Saba back to his house so he can make out with her!
QC- Yay! Another ghost! I am no longer the new ghost!
Saba- (Slightly annoyed) What are you doing here anyway?
Turin- I’m just here to laugh at you lot whenever anything bad happens. Well see ya, they just opened a new casino down the road. (He floats off) (The word casino echoes and a voice can be heard)
Voice- Casino, casino it’s all in the mind.
Saba- Yeah! My guitar is in my mind! Leave it to LAMMY!
(Everyone stares at Saba as if she is mad)
Saba- Sowwy, old habit.
(Everyone get out of the car except Saba and Mike).
Gez- So when do we meet?
Mike- Well when you guys are done just come back to my place, it’s not to far from here... Oh, and take your time.
Carlie- Ok, we will.
Mike- No, I really mean it... Like watch every movie they are showing, have over 10 games of bowling and laser quest, eat at McDonald’s SLOWLY and use up all your remaining money in the arcade... hey you could even go to that ca...that place Turin was on about.
Kal- Anyone would think you didn’t want us around.
Mike- Okaynowbye. (He drives off with Saba still on his knee despite that fact that the car was now virtually empty)
(Ten hours later, Mike and Saba are lying in bed together Mike is holding Saba in his arms and they are both somewhat exhausted)
Mike- I love you.
Saba- I love you too.
Mike- I just want to be with you all the time.
Saba- Me too Mike.
Mike- Saba... There is something I really wanna ask you...
Saba- (looks up at him) Go for it.
Mike- (Caresses her cheek with his hand) It’s just... I love you so much. And I want to be with you forever and... Will you... (suddenly cheesy romantic music can be heard) Damn! I have to change this bloody ring tone! (he picks his phone up off the bedside table). What?!
Kamui- Hey.
Mike- What do you want?
Kamui- Why so mad? Did I interrupt something?
Mike- Well, YES. Now what do you want?
Kamui- Gawd! I just wanted to tell you we will be a little longer coz we are at a fun fair.
Mike- Yeah, whatever, don’t call again unless it’s urgent! (He turns off the phone)
Kamui- Man, what’s his problem?
Mike- Saba... Will you? I mean... did I mention I love you?
Saba- Mike, just ask me. It’s ok you know you can tell me anything.
Mike- Marry me? (He sits up)
Saba- Ok.
Mike- What?
Saba- Yes! (She sits up and takes hold of his hands) I will marry you. I love you.
Mike- Oh my God! I can’t believe you said yes! I mean... Oh my God! You are sure?
Saba- Yes Mike, I love you.
*Puking noises are heard from the audience.*
Mike-(He shouts extremely loud) YES!!!!!!!!!!! (They start to kiss and erm... if I filled you in on the hentai Gez would kill me).
(At the fair)
Gez- I love fairs!
Carlie- Me too.
(Suddenly and alarmingly squeaky high-pitched voice is heard)
Voice- Hiya Gez!
Gez- Oh dear God no... NO! This isn’t happening! It can’t be! (She slowly turns round)... NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY GOD WHY?!!?!?!?!?!??!!?!!!?!?!?!?!!?!!?!?!?
Gez’s archenemy of all time, Prapti- It’s meeeeeeeeeee, Gez!
Gez- How did you find me? How?
Prapti- Oh, as if I could tell you that!
Gez- What the fuck do you what? vPrapti- I just wanted to tell you something Gez.
Gez- (gritting her teeth) I’m not interested, Prapti.
Prapti- (Totally ignoring Gez) I... Have a boyfriend!
Gez- (her knuckles are turning white at this point) Prapti! The talking clock is NOT your boyfriend!
Prapti- should I ring him Gez?
Gez- Go away.
Prapti- Ok Gez, I will ring him. (she pulls out her Nokia 132188974893257057 complete with vibrate function (ugh) and dials a few numbers) Hello Scott!
Gez-I thought you said his name was John.
Prapti- Oh yes silly me... Hello John. (She starts talking and it is quite obvious there is no one on the other line). How are you today I’m fine yes I know you think I’m the best looking girl in the world ha ha oh you your so silly is that another girl I hear it better not be because I’m your girlfriend he he.
The other end of the line- The time is now 22 hours 45 minutes and 15 seconds.
Prapti- Well, I have to go now and talk to Gez who thinks I’m so cool! Love you!
Gez- NO I DON’T! I’LL KILL YOU YOU BITCH!
Anne Robinson- That answer is wrong! I will kill her. Prapti, you are the weakest link. Goodbye. (She pulls out a chainsaw).
Gez- NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! I WANT TO KILL HER!!!!!! (Hits Ann over the head with one of her guns then shoots Prapti to pieces)
(One hour later and Gez is still shooting).
Carlie- Gez I really think she is dead now...
Gez- No! I have to be sure!
Krow- Gez we have taken Anne prisoner. Come on! We are going back to Mike’s.
Gez- Just one more hour.
(Back at Mikes, Mike and Saba are again lying in bed exhausted the same as before).
Mike- Saba...
Saba- Yes Mike?
Mike- I want to marry you now... but we can’t without permission from our parents.
Saba- Sigh and that’s never gonna happen.
Mike- It’s not fair!
*”Awws” can be heard from the audience*
Saba- Hang on a min... there is a place in England... well Scotland where you can get married without parental permission.
Mike- Let’s go then.
Saba- Are you serious? Just leave? What about the others?
Mike- We can leave them a note... and we will be back... just married.
Saba- Ok lets do it! (she jumps out of bed).
Mike-... erm Saba as much as I enjoy seeing you naked you have to put some clothes on before we go.
*Disappointed moans can be heard from the audience*
Saba- (blushes) Silly me.
(An hour later Gez and the gang arrive at Mikes house, Krow and Seifer carrying a tied up and gagged Anne Robinson).
Kuja- There’s a note on the door. (He opens it). Dear guys, we are madly in love and have decided to run off to Gretna Green and get married.
Gez- WHAT?! ARE THEY FUCKING CRAZY?!
Kuja- We hope you all don’t mind and you all understand we are madly in love and stuff and we will be back soon. Spare key is under the mat just chill out in the house and wait for us. Mike’s parents have gone away for a week so don’t worry about them coming home and ringing the police. Love, Saba and Mike.
Kamui- Well that’s just charming isn’t it! (He gets the key and unlocks the door).
(At Gretna Green).
Man- I am sorry but we don’t do marriages without parental permission anymore. You are a year too late.
*Evil laughter can be heard from the audience.*
Saba-Gez! What are you doing in the audience?
Gez-Sorry. I’ll be going now. Um, one last time. HAHAHAHAHA *points and laughs at Mike and Saba. Then she leaves*
Saba- Please mister, can’t you see we are in love?
Man- Love?! Bah! What a load of rubbish!
Mike- (Puts gun to man’s head) Marry us or else!
Man- I... I erm guess we could make just one exception.
(Back at Mike’s house, everyone is stuffing their faces, watching an illegal copy of ‘Dude Where’s My Car’ on DVD and laughing except QC, Kuja and Anne Robinson who is squirming and trying to get the ropes off without much luck).
QC- You know what... I have to go somewhere... bye. (She floats off).
Krow- But...
Kuja- Erm... you know I have to go somewhere too... (He runs out of the door).
Kamui- Where are you...
All- Strange!
(Back at the wedding).
Man- You so need two witnesses! I swear on it! Please put the gun down it’s the law!
Saba- (sighs) Mike I think he’s right...
Turin- HA HA! You guy’s can’t get married. You hijacked a plane for nothing!
Man- G...g...GHOST! (He faints).
(QC floats in)
QC- Hey guys. (She is carrying a bag)
Man- (Wakes up) G...g...GHOST! (He faints).
Mike and Saba- (ignoring Turin) QC!
Saba- What are you doing here?
Mike- And what’s in the bag?
QC- Well I couldn’t miss your wedding could I? And the bag contains one wedding dress.
Saba- Oh my God QC that it is so sweet! But how could you afford the dress?
QC- It’s funny... I just went into the shop and they all went G...g...GHOST! and ran away?! So I just took one. (she hands the bag to Saba).
Turin- (Slightly annoyed). You still don’t have witnesses!
Saba- (Ignoring Turin). I’ll just go and put this on.
Mike- (He wraps his arms around her waist) I’ll come with you.
Saba- No Mike, it’s bad luck for you to see me in my dress before the wedding.
Mike- Well... you don’t have to put the dress on.
Saba- You silly thing.
(Saba goes to the toilet to get changed just as the man wakes up).
Mike- I was being serious…
Man- I had the funniest dream you know... I dreamt I saw a ghost! Ha, it’s ridiculous. vQC- Erm... hi. (she waves)
Man- AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! G...g...GHOST!!!!!
QC- Don’t worry! I’m a nice ghost!
Mike- She can be one of our witnesses.
Man- But... I really don’t think that’s allowed. (Mike glares at him) But I’ll just get the book and check. He opens a drawer and produces a large book covered in dust. He blows the dust away, the title reads Every Rule Of Marriage Ever 1784. He turns to the chapter Witnesses). See, there is nothing here stating you can have a dead witness.
Mike- And there is nothing saying you can’t.
Man- Yes but... Oh ok fine, have it your way! (He slams the book shut). But you still need another witness. That is the law!
(Suddenly the doors swing open and an out of breath Kuja enters)
Mike- Kuja! What are you doing here?
Kuja- As if I would miss your wedding.
Mike- Thanks man.
*By now the audience’s block is beginning to look a little messy as even more puking noises are heard.*
QC- But how did you get here so fast? I did coz I’m a ghost and when you are a ghost you can do cool things like that.
Kuja- I used one of my guns said if they didn’t use Concorde to get me here I would kill the lot of them.
Man- Oh my God!
Mike- We have two witnesses. (Shouts) Saba, Kuja’s here.
Saba- Yay! Hey Kuja, thanks for coming!
Kuja- It’s a pleasure.
Turin- Damn! Well, I’m off.
Mike- Sure you don’t want to stay for the wedding?
Turin- Nah, I’m off to the Casino. (The word casino echoes)
Voice- Casino, casino it’s all in the mind.
Saba- (can be heard from the back room) Yeah! My guitar is in my mind! Leave it to LAMMY!
Turin- Ha ha! Well I’m off. (He floats out the window).
(Saba comes out in a sexy wedding dress).
Mike- Wow.
Evil Wedding man-Wow.
Audience-Wow.
Man selling hotdogs-Wow.
George Dubbuhyuh Bush-Wow.
Bill Clinton-Wow-Er, I mean, I did NOT have sexual relations with that woman!
George Bush-Which woman?
Clinton-Um…*points randomly* that woman.
Man- (Sigh) ANYWAY, shall we begin?
Mike- (Eyes fixed on Saba). Uhuh.
(Saba and Mike join hands).
Mike- You look amazing.
Saba- (blushes) Thanks. (They start to kiss).
*The audience is now beginning to look like a particularly stinky swamp*
Man- HEY! No kissing til’ I say! (He starts the ceremony.)
(Some time later)
Man- And if anyone can think of any reason why these two should not be wed let him speak now or forever hold his breath.
Voice- STOP!
(Everyone turns around).
Vic Reeves- This wedding cannot go ahead because... the bride is already married... to ME!
Everyone- Gasp!
(Saba lifts up her veil).
Saba- Who are you?
Vic Reeves- Oh God... Sorry, wrong wedding. Oh the shame! (He runs out turning a bright shade of red).
Man- Damn!
Mike- What was that?
Man- I mean excellent. (He forces a smile).
(The wedding continues using rings supplied by QC... she even got a few rings for herself but God knows what a ghost wants with rings).
Man- You may now kiss the bride.
(Mike starts to kiss Saba passionately).
*The audience have by now drowned in their own puke and died*
Man- Right that’s enough now... really you can stop now... (Mike starts to pull off Saba’s dress). OH DEAR GOD NO! This day just get’s better and better!
QC- I really think we should leave them alone.
Man- But...I wanna watch…
Kuja-*Firmly* Yeah, come ON. I’ll buy you a drink. I saw a pub pretty near by when I arrived.
Man- Yeah, I could do with a drink. But I still wanna stay and watch the free porn…
( Kuja drags the man out and they leave Saba and Mike to enjoy many hentai filled hours).
*Audience is too dead to puke or to enjoy it*
THE EVER-LOVING END