Nokia 12-
*The entire crew already mentioned in the nokia fic-that's Gez, Mike, Saba, Carlie, Turin, Seifer, Krow, Kuja, Kal and QC's ghost-are crammed into Mike's car speeding towards wherever the hell it is Marco and Liana live with Anne Robinson hogtied to the roof rack and N'Sync blaring from the speakers.*
N'Sync-Baby, you're my girrrrrl, you rock my worrrld, I like peeaarrrrls, la la doo doo....
Gez, Mike, Turin, Seifer, Krow, Kuja, Kal and Carlie-*Are clutching their bleeding ears in horror*
Saba-*sigh* C'mon guys, it isn't that bad!
Gez, Mike, Turin, Seifer, Krow, Kuja, Kal and Carlie-*Open their mouths to swear loudly*
Saba-Okay, okay! *N'Sync CD is removed and replaced with Papa Roach*
Gez, Mike, Turin, Seifer, Krow, Kuja, Kal and Carlie-*sigh of relief*
*The car is only a two seater and absolutely packed, meaning the excess weight is causing the bumper to touch the tarmac, spitting sparks as the car speeds at 150 mph down a freeway. Inevitably, sirens blare from behind them.*
Mike-Oh, a cop appears to be chasing us. I'd better pull over.
*Mike pulls over. A huge, overweight traffic cop approaches the car.*
Mike- *winds the window down* What's the problem officer? Are one of my tail lights not working?
*The cop sticks his head through the window. He emerges with it missing.*
Saba-GEZ!
Gez-*Clutching a shotgun with bloodstained fingers* Wha~at?
Mike-You got blood on the upholstery, that's what!
Gez-*Weary sigh* Sorry Mike...
*The car speeds away um, speedily. A bad seventies theme tune is heard.*
Gez:Oh RAPTUROUS UNTOLD JOY. It's my supercrappy ultra shitty Phillips suckphone with NO changeable cover, ringtone, icons, coffee maker and umbrella attachment that is ringing. I wonder who it could be! *She picks up the phone*
Gez-Hello?
Prapti-HELLO, GEZ!
Gez-Pr..Prapti?
Prapti-Yeah, it's me! Are you happy to hear from me?
Gez-How can I put thins so it won't hurt your feelings...NO, YOU WORTHLESS LITTLE SACK OF SHIT! Why aren't you with Kamui, Em and Carmilla in hell?
Prapti-Tee hee! Silly Gez! Look out of the window!
Carlie-What was that?
*The list turn around to see...our old friend Prapti, clinging to the back of the car by two metallic hooks where her hands should be.*
The list-AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Anne Robinson-*Spits out gag* get me down from here, small pathetic insolent litte worthless idiot!
Prapti-*Stares blankly* You look familiar...mommy?
Gez-Thanks for the distraction, Mrs R! *Blows Prapti's head off*
Mike-MY WINDOW!
Gez-Sorry...*Watches as Prapti falls to the floor and gets squished into liquid metal by the car behind.*
Gez-Thank god for that. *Does a double take* hang on a minute...liquid metal?
*Gez watches in horror as Prapti morphs back into human (well...as human as she can look) form and chases after the car.
Gez-SHIT! Do you know what this means?
Carlie-That Prapti can't be destroyed?
Gez-NO! It means that I've run out of ideas and had to resort to ripping off Terminator 2! *Removes rocket launcher from thin air* Oh well. DIE, SPURIOUSLY NAMED BITCH THAT RESEMBLES A TOOTHPICK DIPPED IN BLUE FABRIC! *Fires repeatedly. The first one eviscerates Prapti, the rest obliterate some cars and a passing veal truck just for the hell of it.*
Saba-Was that really necessary?
Gez-This is coming from a girl who dedicated half a chapter of this fic to running off to Gretna Green to marry her boyfriend?
Saba-Um...*Comes up with her stock answer for everything* Mike is cute!
Gez-*Beats Saba with a dead shrew*
Seifer-Guys, look. Isn't that the school?
Surely enough, a sign reading "THINGY HIGHSCHOOL-Gez should really have done more research on where the fic list goes to school" appears.
Mike-*Powerslides into the carpark, sideswipes a teacher's car and skids to a halt-after crashing through into the main hall sending random kids screaming.*
Liana-*Stares blankly*
Gez-*Leans out of the window with a cocked shotgun* OKAY, WHICH ONE OF YOU JACKASSES IS LIANA?
*Silence*
Gez-Maybe I should rephrase that...
Liana-Judging by your triggerhappy mental patient demeanour I'm guessing you're Gez. Marco warned me before that you moro-um, guys were coming here. *Eyes the packed car* isn't there any other transport?
Mike-Not unless you wanna ride up top with Ginger Spice's abusive gran *points at the roofrack where Anne Robinson is proclaiming the uselessness of everything and everyone.*
Liana-I...guess I could manage to squeeze in somewhere...
*The car is now packed to ridiculous proportions. The wheels are creaking and threatening to give way as the car pulls out of the school and back onto the freeway.*
Anne Robinson-*Tied to roof rack* Ah ha ha ha! I think I can work these bonds loose! Soon you will ALL be the weakest links!
*A sign appears ahead reading "WARNING-low bridge ahead. Height clearance=4 feet."*
Anne Robinson-Oh bollocks.
Inside the car...
Carlie-What was that noise?
Gez-(Matter of factly) sounded like a 4 1/2 foot tall car going under a 4 foot high bridge. Hey, does anyone else feel a draft?
*The fact that the top of the car has been ripped off like a sardine can and is dragging along behind them suddenly becomes apparent.*
Mike-MY CAR!
Krow-Calm down man...um, you always wanted a convertible, right?
Mike-*begins to sob*
Krow-Um...there there. Hey...where's that Robinson bitch?
The list falls silent and the sound of Anne Robinson screaming can be heard clearly from underneath the upturned roof.*
Gez-...Oops.
After a breif stop...
Anne Robinson-*hogtied in one of the back seats* You're ALL the weakest link! You're pathetic! You all know nothing! Your ignorance knows no bounds! You-
Mike-Will someone gag her please?
Carlie-*Beats her unconcious with a hockey stick*
Mike-Um...that'll do I suppose *shrugs* So Liana, where does Marco live?
Liana-Um...even though he's my boyfriend and I know everything there is to know about him, I am suffering a temporary mental block cos' Gez is too lazy to find out where he lives for the purpose of this fic. I'm guessing Minnesota, though I may be wrong.
Gez-*Sweatdrop* Uh, yeah. So where's Minnesota then?
Liana-It's...over...there *points in a random direction*
Gez-*sigh*
Suddenly, a sign appears. It says "Minnesota-67298364178923648917273468912734698217 1/2 miles"
Gez-Okay. On the count of three everyone. 1. 2. 3.
Everyone-FUUUUUUU-
The scene cuts to hell where Kamui, Carmilla and Emerald are still eating coal.
Carmilla-My god, that was the loudest profanity I ever heard!
Em-Peanuts are the devil's work! *Hits herself on the head with a Stereotypical Anime Girl mallet (tm)*
Satan-*Appears in a puff of smoke* Did someone mention my name?
Em-*Eats some coal* Tastes like chicken!
Satan-Hey, hey! No eating the coal! *Removes SuperKinkySexWhip* Get to work!
COUGHanywaylet'sleavethatdisturbingsecenequickly...
Back in the car...
Liana-This is RIDICULOUS. There's no possible way that anyone else could fit in here.
A whistling sound is heard from above, getting louder and louder.
Liana-...this is one of those times when whatever is bad ironically gets worse, isn't it??
Everyone-*Nods*
Whistling sound-phhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeooooooOOOOO000000000WW *thunk*
A very bruised and battered Acid lands in the car, crushing multiple people and causing the bumper to kiss the tarmac again*
Acid-Owww...
Everyone-ACID!
Carlie-What the spoony are you doing here?
Acid-*Removes a shotgun* If I told you that I'd have to kill you. *Cheerily* but the important thing is I'm here now! So, how far is it to the anicon?
Everyone-*Sweatdrop*
Gez-Um, Acid, I don't know how to tell you this, but...
Seifer-*in a voice devoid of emotion* There is no anicon. We're here because some red headed women from Britain are trying to kill us, like the one on the back seat. We have to stay together or we'll get murdered.
Gez-*Smacks head* Thankyou, king of sensitivity.
Seifer-Anytime.
Gez-*Sigh...*...I think we should pull into a hotel for the night. It's getting dark n' stuff.
Another one of those helpful signs appears reading "Bates Motel-1/2 a mile."
Gez-Perfect! Let's go there!
The hotel appears on the horizon. Lightning flashes and loud evil laughter echo around it.
Mike-Looks like a nice place. Okay, let's go!
*Cheesy announcer voice*After picking up two new members of the fic list, our heroes find rest in a hotel, preparing to find Marco and battle the evil Cilla Black, where they will find that friendship and courage are a powerful bond that will help them through-
Gez-HEYYY!!!! I thought I said strictly NO morals! Get outta here! *Shoots the announcer through the head*
Turin-Umm...won't it be a little difficult for the announcer to get outta here if he's lying on the floor with his brains leaking out of his skull?
Gez-*shrug* Meh. Let's make out.
Turin-*grin* 'kay.
Inside the hotel...
Saba-*whining* but Geeeeeez...why did we have to all share one room?
Gez-Because it's cheaper, that's why!
Saba-*Gazes longingly at Mike*
Mike-*Gazes longingly at Saba*
Gez-*Glares threateningly at them both*
Mike and Saba-*Glare angrily at Gez*
Gez-*Taps gun threateningly*
Mike and Saba-*Slump back in angry defeat*
Gez-*Grins smugly* I know! Let's watch TV!
Everyone-*Grunts vaguely*
The TV is turned onto a random channel. The MST3K theme song plays
In a festering underworld,
That was far away from here
There are three wandering tortured souls
Pretty different from you or me
They were thrown into this hell hole
To suffer eternal greif
They did a good job eating yummy coal
But Satan had other ideas
He'll send them cheesy fanfics
The worst he can find La La La
They'll have to sit and read them all
While he monitors their minds La La La
Now they can't stop the fanfics, so hear a
Cry for this all to end La La La
'Cause this badly written crap will surely
Drive them round the bend
TV-Hello, and welcome to a special edition of MST3K!
Gez-Oh schwey! I love MSTs!
TV-Today's MSTers are, direct from the depths of hell...Carmilla, Oni Kamui and Emerald Embers!
Em-WIBBLE!!!!!!!
Fic list-WHAT?!?!!?!?!?
Announcer-Today, a particularly bad fic will be torn apart by our sharp witted MSTers!
Em-Cheese weapon is your friend!
Audience-*Laughs*
Announcer-Emerald, Kamui and Carmilla...todays victim of MST3K will be *drumroll* THE NOKIA FIC, by the FFFic list!
The List-WHAT?!?!?!?!???!!!?!?!?
Carmilla-That's right, folks! Boy, that's one terrible fic! *Leans close to the screen* kill me off and stick me in hell with these two cretins, Gez? Well who's laughing now, huh? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-
Gez-*Shoots the screen repeatedly with a shotgun in a fit of anger* RAGE!!!!!! Now we're gonna have to send someone to hell to kick their asses! *Waves shotgun* Who volunteers?
*Silence*
Gez-COWARDS! I'll choose then! *Prepares to fire*
Carlie-*Sweatdrop* Hey Gez! Look over there! It's a...thing!
Gez-Oooh! A thing! WHERE!
Carlie-*Beats Gez unconcious with a lava lamp*
Cheesy announcer no.2-Is psycho girl out of the way? Oh good. *Ahem* Love, truth and courage shall prevail on this journey of bravery and -*is crushed by a herd of falling cattle infected with foot and mouth disease*
Everyone-*Blink*
THE END
Epilogue...
At 2am that night...
*A seventies theme is heard*
Gez: *Wakes up* Oh RAPTUROUS UNTOLD JOY. It's my supercrappy ultra shitty Phillips suckphone with NO changeable cover, ringtone, icons, coffee maker and umbrella attachment that is ringing. I wonder who it could be! *She picks up the phone*
Prapti-HELLO GEZ! I HAVE A BOYFRIEND CALLED BILL AND HE'S CUTE AND I LOVE HIM AND HES HERE NOW! *A five year old's voice appears on the phone*
Five year old-Are you my mommy?
Prapti-SEE SEE I HAVE A BOYFRIEND HE'S SO CUTE AND SWEET AND I LOVE HIM HEEHEEHEEHEEHEE!
Gez-*Breaks down sobbing* Make it STOP! MAKE IT STOOOOPP!!!!!!
The REAL end. That's it, y'all can go home now!