Nokia Fic - Part Nine
Or
We're here to save your worthless American Ass!
By: Raven-Chan (Mike)
(The FFFic list that has been assembled [Which includes Mike, Saba, Gez, Carlie, Kamui, Turin, And Seifer] are packed into Mike's small 2002 Porsche Boxter.)
Saba: (Starteled across Mike's lap.) SO, Mike... What are we going to do now.
Mike: I don't know...
Turin: It might be a good idea to shift into gear and put your foot down on the right pedal, short bitch!
Mike: Shut your mouth, Jesse!
Turin: You will refer to me as Turin, mortal!
Seifer: Shut up, Jesse! ::Seifer hits Turin in the head, knocking him unconsious. Seifer wraps Turin's head up in duct tape.::
Seifer: There! Better!
Carlie: These American care are cool!
Gez: Yeah! The Driver seat is on the wrong side!
Saba: I like that! See! ::Looks down into Mike's face.:: Saba: Is it legal for me to be on you like this while you drive?
Mike: (Starting the car.)No...! It's not legal to have all seven of us in this tiny sports car that's only made for two people, either... but we're doing it anyway...
Kamui: Yup... Me, Mike and Seifer are regular redneck!
Carlie: What's a redneck?
Gez: It's a person from the southern part of North America that likes trucks, racing, and beer, you numb cunt!
Carlie: Hey! I resemble that remark... um... wait... I meant 'resent'...
Saba & Gez: ::Sigh.::
Mike: Well. let's get going then! ::Mike puts the car in gear anf hits the accellarator. The car reaches 70 mph before they leave the Parking Lot.::
Seifer: Shouldn't you slow down, Mike?
Mike: (Turning Backward.) Shut up! I'm driving this bucket of bolts! I hate back seat drivers!
Seifer: There is no back seat in this car! And I can't fit back here with all these huge speakers, Turin's body, and Kamui's fat self!
Kamui: Hey!
Carlie: Calm Down, Children!
(Mike turns around to see the road, to catch just a glimpse of Kal before he hits him with the car and sends him flying over it.)
Mike: (Hitting the brakes and spinning the car back the other way.) HOLY MOTHER OF LUCIFER!!!
Carlie: Oh My Gawd! He Hit Kal!
Gez: You Bastard!
(They all pile out of the car and make a circle around Kal. Seifer helps Kal up off the ground.)
Mike: You Okay!
Kal: Feels like someone hit me with a silver 2002 Porsche Boxster going 76 MPH.
Kamui: I wonder Why?...
Seifer: Well, how'd you get here?
Kal: Well, there's my helicopter. ::Kal Points at the flaming remains of his Army transport helicopter.::
Kal: I hit some low power lines circling in to land in the parking lot.
Gez: ...
Carlie: Well, your cool now... So let's get going!
Mike: Yeah! There's always room in the car for you!
Kamui: Yeah... just let us throw Jesse out real quick.
Seifer: Well, let's hurry, before Jesse-
(Back in the Boxster, Turin's top half falls out of the open passenger side door. His head hits the pavement. He sqruims out of the car, stands up, and runs around the group like a chicken that has lost it's head.)
Seifer: (Continuing his sentence.) -wakes up.
Turin: (Hollering through the duct tape.) Hiem Hoin Hit Hu, Hifer! Who Who, Hike! Hit Who Haya-
Seifer: Shut up! ::Seifer sticks out his leg and trips turin. Turin's head hit's the ground. Seifer kicks Turin's head three times, knocking him out again.::
Seifer: Serves you right, Jesse!
Kamui: Yeah! Now we don't have to hear his constant Bitchin'!
Gez: Hey! Lets Un-Tape his head, then tape up his body and his mouth!
Carlie: What's the point in that?!
Saba: (Picking up on Gez's thought.) So we can rip all of Jesse's hair out, then tape up his mouth and body so he can't move or talk!
(After everyone is in agreement, this action was... Well, acted on! Then, they took Turin's body, threw it in the back of the Boxster on the speakers. Seifer, Kamui, and Kal ait on his body. Gez and Carlie share the passenger seat, and Mike sits in the drivers seat, Saba again on his lap.)
Mike: Okay, everyone! Let's rock and roll! ::Mike kicks the car into gear and rips the accellartor wide open when they have reached the highway, speeds in access of 200 MPH.::
Gez: Yes! This kicks royal spoony ass-bone!
Carlie: This is fun!
Kamui: I'm goin' puke!
Kal: Not on me!
Seifer: Can't you get this bucket of bolts movin' faster, Mike!
Mike: Sure! ::Cheesey Danger/Chase music starts to play.::
Mike: Oh, Joy and Rapture! Just as I was ready to hit the speed up, My Philips Super Duper Ultra Shitty series 247845098734809673849067897342896708394276893427689432760893476 cell phone with pink, non-changible plastic face, screwed up, non-changible ring tone, and overly screwed antenna begins ringing! Saba? Could you get that for me, baby? I'm trying to control the car, and that's kinda hard to do with just one hand. It's in the front left pocket.
Saba: Sure ::Saba reaches into his pocket, feels around for the phone, then finds it.::
Saba: Okay, got it! Hello?
Krow: What are YOU doing?!
Kuja: I'm gonna go Trance!
(There are three guys in the background laughing.)
Guy #1: Hey, 'Kuja'! Catch!
Kuja: (Holding his head where it has just been hit with a rather large bolt.) Ouch... my head...
Saba: O-kay! I'll just let you talk to Mike. Here, baby. I'll hold the phone for you.
Mike: Just plug it up there. It'll put them throught the speakers back there.
Saba: Okay! Coo! ::Saba plugs the phone into the outlet.::
Saba: Okay! Talk, Krow!
Krow: HELL-OOOOOOOOOOOOOO!??!
(The sound is so loud through the speakers that it rattles the car.)
Mike: AHHHHHHH!!! TURN THE VOLUME DOWN!!!
Carlie: Okay! ::Turns the volume down.::
Saba: Sorry!
Mike: It's okay, Sabs... don't worry bout it...
Kamui: (As his ears bleed.) Speak for yourself, Mike!
Gez, Okay, Krow! What did you call for!
Krow: I figured I'd give Mike a call on my new Super Spiffy Nokia Series 259876 with Dail back option, call waiting, email capability, and satellite, swiss army knife and kitchen sink attachments!
Gez: Oh...
Carlie: Hey Krow! Hey Kuja!
Kuja: Hey ya! I'm gonna go Trance and kill those guys!
Seifer: Oh, go do something with your FPDGS frineds!
Kuja: Hey!.. um... wait...
Carlie: What's the FPDGS or whatever?
Krow: It's an inside joke... So... what are you British chicks doing here in America?
Gez: We're here to save your worthless American Ass!
Krow: How?
Gez: RAGE!
Krow: What?!
Saba: Where the hell did that come from, Gez?
Gez: I don't Know... anyway... Cilla Black came to America to kill the FFFic members here in the USA. She already got QC!
Krow: Oh...
Kuja: Hey! Look Krow! Some demons! Let's Trance and Kill em!
Krow: We can't Trance, you idiot! This isn't Final Fantasy!
Kuja: It isn't?...
Gez: Kuja! What are the deomns like?!
Kuja: What do you expect! Their evil!
Kal: ...
Kamui: Oh, great... Kuja, your so Smart!
Gez: I know that, you idiot! What do they look like?! Are they like Aeris? Worse?
Kuja: Of course they are! One a red head woman carrying her head in her arms, followed by evil minions!
Saba: (Smiling.) I cut her head off for my Mike.. Ain't that right, Baby?!
Mike: Yup!... Oh, CRAP!!! Kuja! Krow! That's Cilla! RUN!!!!
~ Meanwhile, @ North Gaston Hogh School ~
Krow: Seriously!
Mike: Stop talking and run, you stupid bitch!
Krow: (Drops the phone.) AHHH!! Run, Kuja!!!
Kuja: AHH!!! This woman's after me! Help!!
(Kuja And Krow run out of the Gym. All of the other guys in the room look at Cilla, and turn to stone.)
Cilla: Come Back, Boys! All I want is your SOULS!!!
Krow: (Some distance ahead of Cilla.) Let's go, Kuja! The Balcony! ::Kow and Kuja Begin to run up the stairs. Kuja trips at the landing at the top. He looks up to see QC's Ghost, holding her hand out to him. She is dressed as the Terminator.::
QC: Come with me if you want to live.
::Kuja takes her hand. She pulls him up, and Kuja and Krow begin following her.::
Krow: So, we're following QC?
Kuja: Yeah... Why not...
Krow: Where are we going, QC?
QC: I don't know! It's your school! ::Just then, QC leads them down dead end hall. Cilla and her minions begin to come in on them.::
Cilla: HaHaHa! I have you now!!!
Krow: (In a monotone voice.) We're screwed.
Kuja: Help Me!!! My Trance isn't working!!
Krow: Shut up, you idiot! You don't have a Trance!
Kuja: Oh...
QC: Great... Now what...
Cilla: Let me introduce you to my newest minions and Pets... Thing one, Thing two, and Thing three!
Krow: Hey, There was only Two things in Dr. Suees' Cat in a Hat!
Cilla: So! I wanted three! ::She pulls three large boxes out of her bra. They ar lables 'One', 'Two', and 'Three'.::
Cilla: Go, My Blow Job giving hoe bitches!!!!
(Out of the boxes. the horror slut trio, Brittney Spears, Christina Agulira and Jennifer Lopez, come at them from the boxes, claws sharpened and teeth beared.)
Kuja: I'll kill them! ::Kuja pulls a PokeBall from his pocket.::
Kuja: Go, Great GF Pikachu!
Pikachu: Pika?
Brittney: It's a cute little Pikachu! Let's get it, Girls!
Jennifer and Christina: Yeah!
Pikachu: PIKA!! PIKA PIKA!!!!!!
(Brittney Spears grabs Pikachu and shoves him between her breasts. She begins bouncing up and down. The sufficating Pikachu scratches her right breast, busting open a silicon implant.)
Brittney: (Pulling the Pikachu from her breasts.) It cut my implant open! Now I gotta get another boob job! Killit! ::She picks up Pikachu and snaps it's neck.::
Kuja: No, PIKACHU!!!!!!!!
Jennifer: Let's get em, girls!
(QC looks to her side to see a glass case on the wall that has a 50 Calliber automatic cannon in it. The glass reads 'In case of demon slut attack, break glass'. QC breaks the glass and pulls out the gun. She begins laying down a line of fire on the three demon-sluts. She kills them and drives Cilla and her other minions back.)
QC: Come on, let's go!
Krow: The parking lot!
~ Ten Minutes later, in the parking lot ~
Krow: We're out!
QC: Good!
Kuja: (Breathing fog in the 90 degree weather.) I see real people...
QC: I hope so.
Krow: (Pointing out a car that is coming toward them, kicking up a trail of dust.) Look! It's them!
Kuja: We're saved!
(The Car pulls up and stops abruptly, kicking up dust on Kuja, Krow, and QC. When the dust clears, Carlie opens the door.)
Gez: Hop in, you guys!
Mike: You coming QC?
QC: I'm going to go find Ryan.
Mike: Good luck. Met us back at Highland!
QC: Got ya!
(Carlie closes the door, and the car takes off.)
Gez: Where to next?
Saba: Yeah, Mike. Where we going?
Mike: Well, we definitly ain't going to get Cilla with what we got now, so...
Gez: You mean?...
Seifer: Yeah, he does...
Mike: We need some weapons. Let's go back to my place. I can get some from there...