Oh my God, when did my whole world collapse like this? My only crime is loving the man of my dreams and now Irvine might be dead and… Irvine! Stop feeling sorry for yourself and go see if Irvine's ok. But where do I start… elevator! Go to the elevator! Never mind everybody's hurt and angry looks, just go find Irvine. Finally inside, push the button that says 2ed floor, oh my goodness, your hand is shaking like crazy. Squall! Where's Squall!? No, no, no. No time to think about him, at least he's alright. I think. Unless that no-good bitch Rinoa has hurt him. No, no, no, girl, get a grip. Irvine, remember? And besides, thinking bad thoughts about Rinoa won't make her go away.

BUT WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!

Why are you yelling at yourself? You know that. Of course you know that, the problem is convincing everybody else that. But if I let go of Squall now, and leave him to Rinoa, I will lose him forever. I can't do that… even if my whole world falls apart, I just can't do that. We're here, now: here's the plan, go out of the elevator and… Oh God, all of your so-called friends will be there. Never mind them, just stop SHAKING!

I walked out of the elevator just to see Selphie disappear around the corner. I noticed Fujin standing by the wall, but paid it no attention. My only concern was Irvine. I flung the door to the deck open and ran out. Rinoa was there, comforting a crying Selphie, but no Irvine.

"Where is he?" I asked into the air, voice trembling like a child's.

"Where do you think?" Rinoa practically spat the words out.

"Oh no," I ran towards the edge and looked down. Rocky with trees spread around. There was no way anyone could survive a fall from here. I gasped. The door opened behind me, but I didn't even notice. Somehow Irvine had convinced everyone this was my fault, and somewhere along the line that had driven him to take his life. Why? That was the only word that came to mind right now. Why?

It was ruined now though.

But how could I be so selfish? There were more important things to think about right now. Like the death of a friend. Suddenly I noticed that someone was standing behind me. I turned only to find Zell. Another gasp escaped from my lips. He eyed me coldly, before letting go of his anger for a while and embraced me. Finally, with the touch of another person I could let all of the frustrations and hurt and even thoughts turn into a river of tears. I cried quietly onto his shoulder and praised my God for at least letting one person feel sorry for me in a time like this. Gently Zell guided me back into the Garden and downstairs to my own dorm. He placed me on her bed and was just about to leave when I spoke.

"Why…" the rest of the question drowned, but he understood. He turned around.

"I don't know," he said.

"Is it my fault?"

Zell sat down beside me. "Not really. At least I don't feel that way. I think that maybe… it was a whole bunch of things, but that your relationship drove him over the edge. Pardon the pun."

I smiled a little. It felt weird. "There is no relationship."

"But you…?" Zell sounded puzzled.

"I don't know!" I sighed. "I love him, is that a crime?"

"No…"

"I love him so much. I can't imagine a life with anybody else and if I can't have him, I'd rather not be with anyone. I thought that if it was a slightly possibility that he might love me too, I had to take that change, no matter who it hurt in the process. Does that make sense, can you understand that?" she asked softly.

"Yes." Zell understood he wasn't here to take much part in this conversation, he was simply here to listen.

"I know he's 'officially' with Rinoa, but he doesn't love here, can't love her, if he's choosing to be with me. If he would only have given us a few more days, I'm sure Squall would have taken his choice between me and her. Then maybe we could been open about it and it wouldn't have hurt him so much."

Zell nodded slowly, kinda lost in her stream of words.

"He's the only one…" I whispered softly. "Have you ever loved anyone like that?"

Zell shook his head. "What if… what if he had chosen Rinoa?"

"Then I would have left it at that. Moved on with my life. But I would never have entered a relationship with another man. God, I sound like such a cliche, but it's true you know."

"But Quisty, people have gotten over bigger heartaches." I turned towards him, angry now.

"I don't care! I don't care about anything anymore! I don't care about Irvine, I don't care about you! What do you know anyway!? Leave me alone!!!" and with that I threw myself down at the bed, crying load and sore. Zell left the room, both angry with me and at the same time, worried.

Later that evening, I heard a knock on her door. I hadn't been out of the bed since Zell left and my thoughts were hunting me. Talk with Squall, stay with Squall, break off the little that I had with Squall, leave Garden, stay at Garden, be the next to commit suicide, make amends with my friends… the only thing I actually had done was crawl deep down under the blanket. "Leave me alone!" I yelled to the person outside the closed door. The knocking stopped, but no footsteps could be heard. "Go away!" But the person didn't go. It opened the door instead. I looked up to see who it was and my heart stopped. It was him. Squall. The moment of truth was here. 

"Hi," he said quietly.

I made a useless attempt to wipe away the tears and fix my red, puffy eyes. "How is everyone?"

"Nobody says much. I had to get out of there," he took a break. "Quistis, I…" he started.

"Squall, I…" I said at the same time. Neither of us laughed, but for the first time we looked directly at each other. "You go first," I offered.

"They think it's our fault. How can anyone think it's our fault? Cause he wrote it in that stupid letter? Us being together can't drive anyone to commit suicide, it goes deeper than that. But they won't see that, they've found someone to blame and they're gonna stick with that. I'm so sorry, Quistis. I shouldn't have…" he sat down beside me and by instinct I laid my arms around him. It was the first time our bodies were so close. I held my breath and waited. Finally he put his arms around me too. I let my breath out quietly and felt safe for the first time that day. His soft hair tickled my face and suddenly I found my hand stroking it gently. Squall lifted his face and looked into my eyes. His lips formed a peaceful little half-smile. "What was it you wanted to say?"

"Squall, I…" a tear escaped from the corner of my eye and he caught it before it reached my mouth and finished the loving gesture with a kiss so soft it felt like the touch of a butterfly. I could feel my heart breaking. "I… think we should stop seeing each other… or whatever it is that we're doing." There. I had said it, it was only a matter of time before one of us would. No relationship could survive this. Unless… he refused to let me go. If we really were meant to be. But he just sat there, without making a move or a sound. "Come on Squall, don't let us die", I wanted to scream. Yet, he didn't say anything. And the tension was getting unbearable. Soon it would be too late to do anything. "Come on, Squall! You know I'm lying. Just… don't let us die. Please. You know I love you… or maybe you don't...."