The Really Long Night By: Raven2001 Date: April 25, 2000

(after a long, hard days work the FF7 gang usually goes to Tifa's bar to relax. This is just one of those average, crazy nights.)

Tifa: (behind bar) Well, everyone is gone. About time for everybody to show up.

(about that time, Cloud, Barret, Yuffie, Red XIII, Cait Sith, Cid, and Vincent walk through the door.)

Cid: That was a pretty damn long day. Hey Tifa. How bout givin' me a beer.

Tifa: What size? We've got small, medium, large, extra large, and the Cid Highwind special, "That's a big fucking beer

Cid: I'll take the special.

Tifa: Here ya go. (Hands Cid the beer) That one's on the house.

(the rest of the group flocks to the front bar.)

FF7 group: (speaking in unison) Did you say on the house?

Tifa: Okay, here ya go. (Tifa hands everyone a really large beer.)

Tifa: This is gonna be a long night!

(Suddenly, the Turks walk in and go to the bar)

Tseng: Give us four fucking big beers.

Tifa: There you go. (She hands the Turks their drinks.) That'll be 1200 Gil.

Elena: (after taking a swing of her drink.) Ahhhhh! Not to bad for 300 Gil.

Reno: (after taking a drink.) Ummmm! That's pretty damn good!

(they take their drinks and sit at a table with everyone else.)

Cloud: (Talking to the Turks.) Did I ever tell you 'bout when I used to be in Solider 1st Class?

Yuffie: You never were in Solider, were you?

Cloud: (speaking to Yuffie) Shut the hell up! I was in Solider! (Cloud turns to the Turks.) When I was in Solider, I served under Sephiroth. I was-

Barret: (cutting off Cloud in mid-sentence.) What the fuck you talkin' 'bout, Foo! You never was in Shinra! You never was in Solider 1st Class! That's just Zack's fucked up memories in yo' stupid ass head!

Cloud: (turning to Barret) Shut up, ya' stupid mother fucker! (Cloud turns and chops off Barret's other arm.)

Cloud: There, that's better. (hiccups) Like I was sayin', when I-

Barret: (cutting off Cloud in mid-sentence again.) You mother fucker! You cut off my whole damn forearm! (Barret raises his gun-arm and begins shooting Cloud)

Tifa: Hey, Barret! Stop shooting at him inside the bar!

Barret: OK. (hiccups) I'll just go get another gun-arm. (Barret hiccups and stumbles out of the bar.)

Cid: (Shaking Cloud) You OK , man? (Cloud falls out of the chair and begins bleeding on the floor) Damnit! Barret killed Cloud!

Cait Sith: That bastard!

Cid: oh, well. Hey, Tifa! How 'bout another one of those big ass Beers you got! (hiccups) I drank that whole beer already!

Tifa: Really! Damn! The whole thing! OK. Here's another! (Tifa uses all her strength to get the big beer to the table.)

Marlene: (Coming from the downstairs hideout.) Hey, Tifa! Can I have a beer?

Tifa: Sure. what size?

Marlene: (Speaking in a cute voice.) The Cid Highwind. You know, the big one?

Tifa: OK. (She hands Marlene the beer. Marlene chugs half of the brew and spills the other half on her dress upon seeing Red.)

Marlene: Oh! What a cute little doggie! (Marlene runs over and throws her arms around Red's neck.) Who's doggie?

Cid: It's just a stupid stray.

Red: Who the hell you callin' a stray?

Marlene: That's not nice language! (Marlene hits Red.) You want to play tea party?

Red: Yeah.(Hiccups.) Whatever.

Marlene: Whupieeeeee! (Marlene drags Red by his neck to the next room.)

FF7 Group: (staring.)

Yuffie: (Looking at her beer.) GAWD! Did that little girl just drag Red all by herself? I've gotta stop drinkin'!

Cid: Not me. (Cid finishes chugging the his drink.) (Hiccup.) How 'bout another one, Tifa?

Tifa: (amazed.) Another one? (She takes Cid another beer.)

Cid: (Hiccups.) Thanks good looking. (Cid takes a big drink.)

Tifa: What?! (She punches Cid, Making him spill the rest of his drink all over himself.)

Cid: (Looking at Yuffie.) You look pretty good, too.

Yuffie: (smiling.) Really?

Cid: (Hiccups.) When I'm drunk. (Hiccups.) And I'm pretty fucking drunk.

Yuffie: (Hiccups.) (Pulls out her shuriken.) You stupid asshole!!! (Yuffie stabs the through Cid's head.)

Cid: (Hiccups.) Bitch!!! (Cid falls out of his chair, dead.)

Tifa: (Sneering at Yuffie.) Thanks a lot! Now I've got more blood to clean up!

Vincent: (Hiccups.) …………………

Tifa: (Taking Cid's body and gives it to Vincent.) Can you put this in your coffin. At least 'til I can find somewhere else for it.

Vincent:(Hiccups.) OK. I'll put Cloud's in there, too.

Tifa: Thanks.

Rude: (Hiccups.) Wha… What just happened? (Hiccups.) Reno, are you OK? (Rude bumps Reno with his elbow.) Is he OK? (Hiccups.)

Elena: (Hiccups.) He's just so weak. He can't take a strong drink. (She finishes her large class of beer.) bartender, give me another big, cold one.

Reno:(Hiccups.) What? Huh? What the 'ell is happening! (He looks over at Elena.) Aren't we supposed to be trying to kill that spiky headed jerk?

Elena: (Hiccups.) No. This is our weekend off. Anyway, he's already dead.

Reno:Wh-(Hiccups.) What!?

Elena:(Hiccups.) That big guy with the gunarm did.

Reno&Tseng:(Hiccups.) He did! Damn!

Tseng:(Hiccups.) I wonder if he would join the Turks?

Cait Sith:(Hiccups.) He probably wouldn't, anyway.

Elena:(Hiccups.) You don't realize what he's been offered. He'd probably be too drunk to stand up now, anyway.

Cait Sith:(Hiccups.) You don't know Barret very well, do you? (Hiccups.) Then again…

Elena:(Hiccups.) Well, he's not here, anyway… (She finishes her drink.) Bartender, (Hiccups.) Give me another beer.

Reno: (Hiccups.) Give me another, too.

Tseng&Rude: (Hiccup.) I need another.

Tifa:Yeah, yeah yeah! Give me a minute! Gawd!

Vincent:(Hiccups.) They are gonna get SO drunk!

Yuffie:(Hiccups.) I know! That's already 2 beers each! 3 for Elena!

Cait Sith:(Hiccups.) That's gonna be a bad hangover!

Tifa:(Bringing them their beers.) Here ya go!

Turks:(Hiccups.) Thanks.

Cait Sith:(Hiccups.) Tifa! I need a beer. And some pretzels. An…and a deck of cards.

Tifa:(Saracasticlly.) Anything else, Cid?

Cait Sith:(Hiccups.) Oh, yeah! And some poker chips!

Cid: And another beer!

Tifa: OK, here they are. (Tifa drops all of the items on the table.) Here ya go Cid.

Cid: Th- (hiccups.) Thanks.

(Everyone begins drinking, eating pretzels, and playing poker. Things go on this way for 2 hours before Barret stumbles back into the bar. He has a gun on his left hand, as well as his right.)

Yuffie: (Hiccups.) That's a good look for you, Barret!

Barret: Yeah, whatever! (Barret sits down and gets a beer.)

Reno: You want to- (Hiccups.) Join the Turks!

Barret: 'Ell No, foo!

Rude: You- (Hiccups.) don't know what your passing up.

Elena: We have a great health and- (Hiccups.) health and dental plan. Bartender! Bring my another- (hiccups.) another really big one.

(Tifa lugs another brew to the table for Elena.)

Barret: I said no! Ya deaf bunch a foos!

Turks: (In unison.)(Hiccups.) Okay.

Barret: Now, deal me in this game.

(Reno begins to shuffle. He deals from Yuffie to Barret to Vincent to Cait Sith, then bottom deals to Rude, Elena, Tseng and himself.)

Barret: (Hiccups.) You sorry cheatin' scum! (Barret shots the Turks. They all fall from their seats dead.)

Vincent: Well, there's- (Hiccups.) four more bodies to hide for ya, Tifa.

Tifa: Thanks.

Cait Sith: Well, since she's dead… (Cait Sith reaches for Elena's fresh beer.) I'll just-(Hiccups.) take this…

Barret: Wait one Damn minute, ya foo! Have a little -(Hiccups.)… little respect for the dead!

(Barret reaches over and grabs the beer. He pulls it toward himself, takes a big gulp, and sets the mug down.)

Barret: AHHHH- (Hiccups.)…AHHHHH! You should know that if you kill someone, the person who killed em gets the beer!

(Red XIII walks out from the back room, totally wasted. He is wearing one of Marlene's dresses with make-up smeared all over his face. He falls down beside the table. Marlene appears, carrying her empty beer mug. She see Cid's dead body and runs over to it and pulls something from the pocket.)

Marlene: LOOK TIFA!!! I GOT SOME CIGARETTES!!!

(Marlene pulls a cigarette from the pack. She pulls out a lighter and lights the cigarette.)

Barret: (Scornfully.) What the 'ell you doin', girl. (Walks over to Marlene.) You know when you smoke yo papa gets a cigarette too!

Marlene: Yes, Daddy. (Hands Barret a cigarette.)

(The night progresses as usual, and they play more poker and drink more beers. At the end of the poker session, Marlene has won 50,000 Gil, and drunken over 10 beers. The group has went through a pack and a half of cigarettes.)

Tifa: Well, guys. It's time for you to leave.

Barret: That's gonna be a little hard seein' as- (Hiccups.) seein' as how none of us can walk, much less drive.

Tifa: Okay! I'll be the designated driver! Everybody on board the Highwind!!!

(The group stumbles to the Highwind. The climb into there favorite resting spots and prepare for the ride.)

Tifa: So, where we goin' first?

Red XIII: Cosmo Canyon. I gotta- (Hiccups.) Gotta get home and worship at the porcelain alter.

Barret: The what!

Red XIII: The porcelain alter.

Barret: What the 'ell is that?

Red XIII: The toilet, you idiot!!!

Tifa: (Turning her head.) Were almost there you guys.

Barret: Tifa! Watch out for that-

(The Highwind crashes into a big cliff. It cracks in half and blows up. The pieces of the Highwind fall to the ground in flames.)

Tifa: (Lying under flaming debris.) That's the last time I'm the designated driver. (Tries to free herself.) Damn! I'm stuck! Well, this is gonna be a LONG night!

(The scene fades out with Tifa trying to wiggle free of the wreckage. And it looks like she's gonna be there awhile...)

The End