*~*~*~*~*~

"Hey Vinnie!" the exuberant young ninja girl said cheerfully to Vincent. "Whatcha doin?"

" ... " responded Vincent.

" Ooh, ooh, let me guess!" Yuffie squealed, jumping up and down.

" ... " responded Vincent.

" Hmm, that mournful look in your eyes, what could it mean?"

" ... " responded Vincent.

"I know! You’re thinking about that Lucrecia woman again!"

" ... " responded Vincent.

"Like, listen Vinnie, you really should get over her. So you couldn’t protect her, she gave birth to a super villain, you’re a lousy idiot that I wouldn’t trust with a dead hamster."

"... " responded Vincent, though a glimmer of rage appeared in his ruby coloured eyes.

"But that was a long time ago. You need to forget about her and move on to someone else, like a fantastically gorgeous babe. Me, for instance." Everything went silent. Outside, a cricket’s chirp could be heard. Yuffie looked around and saw everyone staring at her with a look of disbelief, Vincent included.

"What the hell are you sexually repressed morons staring at?" She yelled angrily, "Get back to your rodent holes!"

*~*~*~*~*~

A Crunchbucket, The Tapdancing Watermelon production,

The Best Laid Plans-Yuffie's Moment Of Fame (almost)

Based on an (un)true story.

"You guuyyys!!!" Yuffie whined, "You guys, it’s dark in dark in here!"

"Yeah, well, you should of thought of that before ya opened ya $%^&in’ typhus infested mouth." Cid growled, rudely, as he walked away from the closet.

"But it’s really dark and really scary in here!" Yuffie whimpered. When everyone ignored her plea, she began to resort to desperate begging. "Okay, okay, I take it back! You’re not a bunch of anal-retentive morons! I don’t think you should shove the Leviathan materia up your collective butts and then summon it! Aeris never used to be a man!"

Aeris sniffed from the other side of the room, still clearly hurt from Yuffie’s comments.

"Eehh, maybe we’ll let you out later." Cid sniggered, reclining in his chair. He was rewarded with a torrent of profanity that impressed even him.

Sooo, it was just another peaceful day at Cloud’s Costa Del Sol villa, apart from Yuffie screaming and banging on the closet door. Cid was playing Pokemon Puce on his gameboy colour, Barret was watching the A-team, (duh) and the others were doing nothing of importance. Except for Tifa and Aeris, who were, as was Final Fantasy fanfiction tradition, rolling aroud on the floor, pulling each other’s hair and calling each other as many variations on the word ‘slut’as they could.

"Harlot!"
"Hussy!"
"Tramp!"
"Prozzy!"
"2 gil ho!"
"1 gil ho!"
"Free ho!"

Everyone groaned. They were beginning to wonder why they ever bothered reviving Aeris. All she ever did was hit on Cloud and Fight with Tifa., and it was a bit pointless anyway, as Cloud didn’t express an interest in either of them. In fact, most of the time Cloud just seemed...vacant.

By now, Aeris was sitting on Tifa's stomach and bashing her over the head with her Fairytale Staff. Tifa swore loudly in protest everytime the staff made contact with her.

"Hey, mind the £$%^in' language, ya £$%*in' hoes!" Cid growled, seconds before he threw his gameboy to the floor, stomped on it and yelled "Curse you, Jigglypuff!" He then ran off in a huff.

"What's wrong with him?" enquired Red.

"Beats da hell outta me! He be crazier than dat foo' Murdoch!"

"Yes.. yes, crazier than Murdoch..." Red muttered, a manic grin crossing his face as he imagined all of Barret's A-team merchandise, videos and action figures being heaped up on a huge bonfire. He laughed as he imagined lighting the bonfire with the tip of his tail, dancing around the flames chanting- "Burn, T, burn! Burn, T, burn!"

"Yo Red! You awright?" Barret asked, looking confused.

"Heh heh. Burn T...Burn! A ha ha ha!"

"...?" Barret frowned, puzzled.

Tifa and Aeris were still fighting. This time, Tifa had the upper hand. The repeated bashings had filled up her limit bar, and now she was pouring damage into the semi concious Aeris.

"Final Heaven!" She yelled, smashing her fist into Aeris's stomach.

"Hey guys, shouldn't we break them up now?" Cloud asked, acting intelligently for once, but it was in vain. Cid was repairing his gameboy with stickytape, Barret was watching the A-team, Red was growling ominously whenever he heard the phrase "Pity da foo'",Vincent was mourning Lucrecia, Cait Sith was asleep and Yuffie was hacking her way out of the closet with her Conformer.

"I'll get you for this!" Yuffie cried as she sped off to the back yard to practise her revenge technique on Biggs and Wedge.

By now, the fighting between Aeris and Tifa had subsided. The two love interests lay on opposite sides of the romm in exhausted heaps. Cloud decided that seeing as he was the cause of these battles, it was his duty to calm them both down and talk them round. He walked over to Aeris and tapped her on the shoulder.

"Uh, Aeris?" He began. Aeris swung round, smiling and batting her eyelashes, trying to look as cute as possible. Cloud however, didn't notice and simply began his lecture.

"Aeris, is it really necessary for you and Tifa to fight so much? i mean- hey wait, aren't you dead?"

"Tee Hee!" replied Aeris, not really paying attention.

"You revived her with a phoenix down, remember?" Red reminded Cloud.

"Oh Yeah!" Cloud smiled "I did!" There was a purty red light, and then..." Cloud trailed off, momentarily distracted by something shiny.

"Uh, Cloud?" Red said, trying to get Cloud's goldfish-sized attention span back to the matter at hand.

"Wha? Oh yeah, um, Aeris? Do you think you could lay off Tifa please?"

"Don't ask me, I'm just a girl! Giggle!" Aeris simpered.

"Good." Cloud replied. Red smacked his head with his paw, unable to comprehend why humans were still considered the planet's dominant species. Cloud then wandered over to Tifa.

"Tifa," he began, "Hey, waitaminute! Aren't you dead?"

"No Cloud, that's Aeris" A-E-R-I-S" Red said slowly, trying to get the words to permeate Cloud's thick skull.

"But Aeris is alive! I've just been talking to her!" Cloud said, confused.

"I know," replied Red, holding a paw to his head as he felt the twinges of a Cloud induced headache, "but you revived Aeris. She is alive. Look. See? She is alive!"

"Well, if Aeris is alive now, that means I should revive Tifa too" Cloud said. Red felt his urge to claw Cloud to death and send his mutilated body to Rufus in a breifcase rapidly rising.

"Cloud. Tifa never died. Aeris did. She is now alive. Now be quiet."

"What! Aeris died?! Why did no-one tell me?!" Cloud moaned, his mako scrambled brain overloading.

Red collapsed to the floor, his body convulsing with loud sobs.

"What's up with lion boy?! muttered Cloud. "Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, Tifa, could you lay off Aer-"

"I heard you the first time!" snapped Tifa.

"Oh." replied Cloud.

"Cloud, this will continue until until you pick which one of us you want once and for all! C'mon Cloud, it's not that hard! Do you want that lobotomised Saved By The Bell reject or cute little me?" There was a pause.

"Hey! Umm... did you just call me fat?" Aeris replied after her feeble brain had processed the insult, causing Red to sob even louder.

"You wanna start something, bitch?" snapped Tifa.

"If you two $^&^s are gonna fight, take it outside!" growled Cid, sensing what was about to happen. Aeris and Tifa made for the door, nearly colliding with Yuffie, who was on her way in.

"Hey, does anyone have an ether?" I've been casting flare on these two-" She gestured to Biggs and Wedge - "For 5 minutes non-stop, but they just won't die. I've run out of mp trying."

Cloud tossed Yuffie an ether. It missed and became embedded in Wedge's chest.

"Tis' merely a flesh wooouund..." Wedge slurred, as he slumped to the floor. Biggs, sensing that his time had once again come, drew a short sword and stabbed himself with it, seconds before an anvil squashed him flat.

"Yuffie, that was cruel!" said Shera, who had just entered with the tea, spotting the Anvil Release System's control in Yuffie's hand. "Now I'm going to have to stay up all night cleaning this blood soaked carpet!"

"You've been a bad girl, Yuffie!" Red scolded, "No coal for you this Christmas!"

"Coal?!" Yuffie exclaimed, "I thought it was materia!" She held up her conformer, which had lumps of coal wedged into all the materia slots. Yuffie burst into tears and raced out of the room.

"I shall have my revenge!!!" She wailed.

"Sure. Whatever." Muttered Cloud, and went back to staring at anoyher shiny object.

Meamwhile, Tifa was thinking.

"Hmmm, that bitch is really getting in the way. How could Cloud have revived her? That traitor!" She gazed across the room at Cloud, who was busy eating a wax crayon. "I'd hate him if he wasn't so damn hot! I need to get rid of Aeris, and fast... but how!?" Tifa thought for a moment. Then a smile slowly crossed her face. "I know!" Tifa ran across the room to Cloud. She had an important question for him.

Cloud was thinking too. "If Aeris got revived, and she's still dead, then why isn't Tifa dead? Or is she? OH MY GOD!!!! They must be.."

"GHOSTS AIEEE!!!!!" screamed Cloud as he leapt to from his chair and sped out the front door. Or at least, he would have done, if it hadn't been the door to the broom closet, and he hadn't just knocked himself out with a loud crash. No-one paid him and attention. He did this every day.

Aeris was thinking too, but it just sounded like loud static.

"Cloud! You foo!" Shouted Barret "Get yo spikey white butt outta there or I's gonna toss you helluva far!" Red just fumed, silently. Tifa got up wordlessly and walked over to Cloud, picking up a vase en route. She dumped the water over Cloud's spikey blonde head.

"Cloud, dear..." she smiled sweetly at the bemused young man, "I was just wondering, do you think Sephiroth's still alive?" Without warning Cloud fell to his knees and began to bang his head on the floor.

"The son of Jenova! He is still alive! He... is... laughing!" Cloud then got to his feet and acted like nothing had happened.

"Nope." He said, "Why do you ask?"

"Oh, no reason." grinned Tifa, I'm off to make an important PHS call!"

"Off to call your pimp again?" Aeris called to her as she left the room.

"Shut up." Snarled Tifa as she walked into the kitchen.

Then Cloud realised something. If Tifa and Aeris were dead, he'd been talking to...

"GHOSTS! AIEEEE!!!!" He yelled, racing into the closet and knocking himself out again.

*****

Tifa entered the kitchen, an evil plan forming in her head. She cackled when she thought of her evil genius and how clever she was to have thought of such an intricate plan. She pulled the crumpled piece of paper from her pocket that contained the full twisted genius of "Operation Kill Aeris" and read it to remind herself of the complicated details. The paper read, "Phone Sephiroth. Get him to kill Aeris. Have Party." Tifa was about to put the first part of her plan into action when she saw Yuffie on the other side of the room on her laptop computer. Tifa cursed inwardly. Yuffie was on the internet again. That never used to be a problem, they used to have a second line upstairs, but they had to disconnect it when Cloud ran up a 20000 gil phone bill to Dial-A-Hunk. Now Tifa would have to drag Yuffie off the internet, and that was near impossible to do. Tifa sighed to herself and began to sneak up behind Yuffie, hoping she could stuff her in a bag and bury her in the back garden before she had time to resist. However, Tifa's eyes spotted the word "Cloud" on Yuffie's screen. Suddenly interested, Tifa peered over Yuffie's shoulder, struggling to make out the tiny writing. The title of the page read

"Cloud and Vincent- an untold story, by Yuffie Kisiragi. Warning, contains Yaoi."

"Yaoi? What the hell's that?" Tifa mutterd to herself as she read on. Her face reddened.

"YUFFIE! What the hell is this?" She screamed, causing the ninja to leap ten feet in the air and hit her head on the ceiling, but not before she had pressed the back button and removed the offending page from her screen.

"Er, what's what?" Yuffie said, innocently. "I was just checking this page for ways to get back at you guys. In fact, I was just about to go and get the-" She glanced at the screen- "SuperNovaKnightsOfTheRoundUltraSexyBahamutInAThong materia so I can kick all your puny asses! So there!"

Tifa looked skeptically at the screen. It appeared that Yuffie had beenlooking up revenge techniques before she checked on her little gay porn site. She began to read the writing on the screen.

"H3y d00ds!!!1!1111!" It began, "Welcum 2 HAX0R d00d69's rumers page!!!"

"Oh Gods." Tifa groaned. But it got worse. Tifa skipped to the section called

"SuperNovaKnightsOfTheRoundUltraSexyBahamutInAThong materia.

"Getting this kewl mataria isnt eesy!" The illiterate moron with nothing better to do than make up stupid rumours wrote, "Ferst, U hav 2 get tha Chocuubo Sages hat becoes it has kewl powerrs!!U shud use it insted of a breiding nut with to Gold chocabos!!!!!!11!!1! Then youl get a wite chocabo taht can go unde the midgar Swamp!!!1!1!1!!1!1!!!!!1 Under the swampe youl find the top sicret Cubic zirconiam wepun! U shud fite it coz itl giv U an item tiket for the wall market Wepun shopp in Midgaer!!!!!1!!1!!!!!! U can exchanj it 4 the Masteria!!1!!!1 Isnt taht cewl!!1?"

"I can't believe that you're actually buying that." Tifa snorted. "I think my I.Q. went down by 20 points just from reading that illiterate crap. Try and get your stupid little materia, yaoi girl, see if I care!"

"Fine, I will!"

"Fine, you do that!"

"Fine, I'm going!"

"Fine. Go!"

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

"FINE!"

And with that, Yuffie stormed out, leaving Tifa in peace. Tifa ripped the internet connection out of the socket and plugged the phone in. She pulled the laptop's plug out too, almost hearing Yuffie shriek "You IDIOT! You're supposed to SHUT IT DOWN First!" as she did. Finally, she picked up the phone and dialed the number, smiling in relief as the person on the other end picked up.

"Hello, Sephiroth?"

End Chapter One