The Best Laid Plans-Chapter Three

Man works for many things. Love. Pride. Self satisfaction. Great wodges of cash. It was the latter that appealed to the Turks as they stalked their prey, silently, slipping cat-like from shadow to shadow, ensuring they weren't seen.

Except for Rude.

"See the little goblin, see his little feet! See his little nosey-wose, isn't the goblin sweet!" sang the inebriated Rude as he staggered along the hallway of Cloud's villa.

"Reno, do something!" hissed Elena. "He'll blow our cover!" Reno was about to knock Rude over the head with his night stick when he noticed something.

"Er, Rude? Why is there an ostrich feather sticking out of your butt?"

"Because," said Rude, as if the answer was obvious and Reno was just being stupid, "the good pixies put it there to keep out the evil pixies! Stoopid!"

"Oh, right. I guess that explains everything," said Reno as he brought his night stick down sharply on Rude's shiny bald head. He fell to the floor with a thud.

"Reno, now what are we going to do? Rude was supposed to distract Aeris by flirting with her. You can't do that because you've got the night stick, and I can't do it because - "

"Ha! You can't use the fact that you're female to get out of this. It's sexual discrimination!"

"No it's not, it's common sen - "

"No time to argue. Here she comes!" Reno ducked into a nearby doorway, dragging Rude's unconscious body with him. Elena tried to sneak in too, but Reno pushed her out with all his strength. She fell forwards and smacked right into Aeris, knocking them both over, Elena on top of Aeris.

"Er, hello," Aeris said, bemused.

"Hi," said Elena uncomfortably.

"Well, isn't this nice?" Aeris smiled, flirtatiously.

"Umm, yeah." Elena gave Reno a desperate pleading look, but he was too busy taking Polaroid's. Elena snarled. She rolled off Aeris, 'accidentally' thumping her fist down as hard as she could on Reno's in-growing toenail as she did. Reno screamed silently, mouthing incomprehensible curses. Aeris sprang to her feet.

"Need a hand?" she smiled, helping Elena up. They stood there for a second.

"You still have hold of my hand," observed Elena.

"I know," smiled Aeris.

"Could you...let go?"

"What's in it for me?" Aeris smiled her flirtatious smile again. Elena shuddered and withdrew her hand sharply. She went to stamp on Reno's foot, (which was obscured by the doorway, so Aeris couldn't see it), but instead trod on one of Rude's fingers.

"YEEOOOOOOOW!!!" yelled the now conscious Rude. Aeris gasped.

"The Turks! What are you doing here?"

"Reno wash trying tooh kill yooh. Owed a favoh to Tifaaah...Moneyy beeeeg..." Rude slurred. Reno kicked him savagely in the nuts.

"Eeeep!!" squeaked Rude.

"Damn! Time to show the true will and spirit of the Turks! Let's run!" commanded Elena.

"Wait! Come back Elena! There's so much I want to tell- I mean fine, don't come back!" Aeris added hastily.

* * * * *

"Curses!" Tifa growled once again, watching the action through a pair of Metal Gear style binoculars at a safe distance. "I should have known what a bunch of useless drunken cowards the Turks are. I only have one plan left! This had better work..." Tifa dialled her PHS and cackled evilly.

* * * * *

Yuffie sprang joyfully from the Highwind at the Midgar swamp. She had, um, 'acquired' the white chocobo without too much difficulty - the owner did scream a bit, but Yuffie gagged her without much of a problem, and yes, she did bite her hard on the hand, but it didn't draw too much blood, and Yuffie had just had a tetanus jab anyway.

Yuffie approached the swamp. She knew she couldn't ride the chocobo under the swamp, but she could just hold its tail feathers and let it pull her down or something. Then suddenly, she heard voices from behind her.

"Is this the place?"

"Yes, Jessie, it is. What's our wonderful plan? Ooh! Ooh! Do I get to dress up as a girl?" Jessie covered her face with her hands.

"No, James, you do not get to dress up as a girl. I still haven't got my underwear back from last time!"

"Umm...Arbok ate it," James said, hastily.

"Chaaah-bok!" Arbok hissed angrily, biting James on his perfectly manicured fingers, a look of distaste crossing the snake's face as it tasted James' hand cream.

"Who the hell are you?" Yuffie said to the oddly dressed pair, her eyebrows raised. "Oh, and those jump suits are like, totally uncool. Whatever."

"Who are we?" exclaimed Jessie, ignoring Yuffie's comment on their fashion sense. "We are the world famous Team Rocket! Allow us to introduce ourselves. To protect the world from devastation!"

"To unite all transvestites within our nation!"

"JAMES!!!"

"Sorry, sorry," mumbled James. "To unite all peoples within out nation."

"To denounce the evils of truth and lo- " "Gawd, like I'm sorry I asked!" interrupted Yuffie. "Like, I don't care who you are!" She wandered over to the swamp, muttering something about badly done crossovers, and proceeded to dunk the white chocobo in the swamp's murky water in an attempt to make it swim down there as Team Rocket watched, bemused. Suddenly, the Midgar Zolom appeared, towering over Yuffie and the chocobo. With one mighty snap of its jaws, it swallowed the chocobo whole.

"Like, NOOOOOO!! GAWWWD!!" Yuffie screamed as the Zolom swallowed her last hope of revenge. However, Team Rocket seemed very happy at the Zolom's presence.

"Look, Jessie, there it is! The mighty Zolomon!"

"Zolomon?" Yuffie asked, puzzled.

"It's a top secret pokemon! We found out about it on Hax0r dO0d 69's page, so it must be true!" James said, grinning like the poor, gullible idiot he is. "I'll catch it in my pokeball!"

The pokeball sailed up in a perfect arc, hitting the zolomon square on the nose. James squeaked. The zolomon looked angry, then confused, then angry and confused. With one swift motion the zolom snapped Team Rocket up in its jaws, but spat them out again when it tasted James' perfume and hair glitter.

"Looks like Team Rocket's blasting off again!" Team Rocket shouted as they sailed over the horizon.

"Well, like, that sure made no sense," muttered Yuffie. She was about to haul herself sulkily to the Highwind when she saw something glimmer on the surface of the swamp. On closer inspection it turned out to be a laminated piece of paper stamped with the words 'Item Ticket - to be redeemed at the Wall Market Weapon Shop'.

"Like, wahoo!" Yuffie yelled, snatching up the ticket and racing to the Highwind.

* * * * *

Solid Snake sighed as he replaced the receiver. Yet another crossover. At least the fic hadn't yet perpetrated the ultimate fanfiction sin though - a FF7/8 crossover. Snake pulled on his coat - Tifa had told him he had to be at her house in an hour - someone needed rescuing. He had told her she was out of her mind, and that everybody he rescued died, but she told him to come anyway, and he did still owe her for that time behind 7th Heaven a few years ago. Snake made for the door. As he was about to leave though, a blonde woman with a whip poked her head around the living room door.

"Going so soon, Snake?" she said, looking disappointed. "I thought you paid for two hours?"

"Get a grip, Snake," Snake muttered to himself. "You did not hire Quistis Trepe as a prostitute. This is not a Final Fantasy 8 crossover. Just don't look." Snake shut his eyes and opened the door, and didn't open his eyes again until he was safely in the front garden.

Squall Leonheart and Seifer Almasy were fighting to the death on the front lawn, while Rinoa was sunbathing nearby. Selphie was forcing Irvine to do naked press-ups, (good or bad mental image? You decide!), while Fujin and Raijin were tiling the roof.

"RAGE!" Fujin yelled for no apparent reason, kicking Raijin in the shin. Raijin tumbled off the roof, landing face down on top of Rinoa, causing Squall to haul him off and kick him in the nuts. Meanwhile, Zell hung out of the top window.

"Hey, Snakey boy!" he yelled. "Got any hot dogs?"

"Just don't look, Snake," Snake repeated to himself. "Just don't look."

* * * * *

Yuffie bounced triumphantly into the Wall Market Weapon Shop.

"Like, hi!" she squealed to the guy behind the counter. "I'd like to exchange this token for the SPECIAL materia!" The guy behind the counter eyed the stranger. She was dressed in virtually nothing and holding a giant shuriken with all the materia slots filled with coal. The girl had 'mug' written all over her.

"Umm... this doesn't get it you for free, ya know! I'll be needing 20,000 gil too!" Yuffie just grinned and slapped a wad of notes on the desktop. Money had been no problem for AVALANCE after they had mastered and sold all their All materias.

"Er, better make that 30,000," the guy said. Yuffie placed another wad of gil on the counter. "40." Yuffie coughed up the cash. "Okay, here's your materia!" the guy grinned, handing over a piece of red materia from below the counter.

"Like, thanks!" Yuffie yelled, bouncing off to the Highwind. She was halfway to the door when the guy realised he'd given her the wrong materia.

"Oh well," he shrugged.

* * * * *

"Look, it's very simple," Tifa explained. "When Aeris walks over the large 'X' painted on the floor here, I will release the anvil in the tradition of Bugs Bunny and other much loved comic japery." Tifa waved her laser pointer at a diagram of a crudely drawn stick woman saying "Tee hee hee, I'm Aeris, and I'm such a ho!" standing on a large 'X' with an anvil hanging over her.

"O-kayyy..." Snake said, with one of those 'Okay, whatever you say you freakish freak' looks crossing his face as he did so.

"Shut up and listen!" Tifa commanded. "When I release the anvil, you shall race over, dive underneath the anvil and roll to safety with Aeris, rescuing her from pancakedom." Tifa gestured wildly to a picture of a stick man lying on top of a stick woman with an anvil lying nearby.

"I like that picture," Snake grinned, dirtily.

"Be quiet. When you have rescued Aeris, Foxdie should come into effect and she should die." Tifa gestured to a picture of a gravestone with the words 'Burn in Hell you boyfriend stealing tramp' written on it.

"I believe the normal phrase is RIP," Snake said, smoothly.

"Silence! Do you have any questions?"

"Yes, actually. Why don't you just let the anvil squash her?"

"Because, silly, it has to look natural."

Snake was reflecting on the stupidity of this comment when Tifa hissed - "Be quiet! Here she comes!"

"But I didn't say anything!" whimpered Snake, as he was shoved roughly into the nearest doorway.

Soon, Aeris came skipping along in her usual irritating, simpering, IQ of 10 pink overload kind of way. Tifa readied the anvil release system and smirked. Much to her delight, Aeris stopped right on the centre of the 'X' and began to wipe at something on her shoe.

"Oh dear, I appear to have a mark on my dainty little shoe. (Note - Aeris was not wearing her usual size 1028 steel-toed man's work boots which clash so horribly with her flowery pinkishness). I must wipe it off, and where better than on this large cross with a heavy object hanging over me."

Meanwhile, Tifa was stabbing desperately at the anvil release system remote.

"C'mon you piece of crap, work!"

"Oh dear, this stain doesn't appear to be coming off..."

"Please work, please!"

"It really is rather stubborn..."

"WORK, YOU PIECE OF SHIT!"

"Oh wait, it's not a stain, it's a buckle! Tee hee!" and with that, Aeris skipped away to the bathroom.

"Curses! Follow her and rescue her!" Tifa ordered. Snake ran into the bathroom, where he found Aeris about to clean her teeth.

"A-HA!" Snake yelled, grabbing the toothbrush from Aeris, then snapped it, burned it, spat on it, stamped on it and mailed it to the Billie Piper fan club with a note saying, 'Your face is next!' (And why not?)

"That toothbrush could have been...kept in an unsanitary place! And the toothpaste could have been poisoned!"

Aeris looked at Snake oddly, (probably because he used a word longer than two syllables), while Tifa grinned.

"That's right, bitch!" she smirked. "I poisoned that tooth paste last night! And now that you have been rescued, foxdie should be coming into effect, and you should be dying... now! Mwah ha ha ha!"

"Actually, I feel fine." Aeris confessed.

"Ah yes, I forgot to tell you that," Snake said. "Foxdie is only effective on those who are no longer vital to the plot, or evil villains who are just about to kill you. Sorry."

"Wh-what?" Tifa exclaimed. "But she saved the Planet from Meteor! She's served her purpose!"

"Ah, no. Actually she still has a very large part to play. She still has to pull your hair, call you a ho, and fight over Cloud, who will NEVER display an interest in either of you. It just wouldn't be a Final Fantasy 7 fanfic without it, y'know."

"Rats," muttered Tifa.

"Well, I'll be going now," Snake said, disappearing through a plot hole.

"Oh well," Tifa sighed. "Might as well make the best of it. Dog!"

"Harlot!" Aeris replied.

"Tramp!"

"Prozzy!"

Then Tifa dived on Aeris, pulling her hair and shrieking. Nothing new then. Sigh.

End Chapter three