The Best Laid Plans-Chapter Four

"I'm back!" yelled Yuffie, breaking down the door and holding a red summon materia aloft.

"Like, mwah ha ha, prepare to meet thy doom, and other scary stuff!"

No one paid the young thief any attention.

"Like, hello? I'm about to kill you with this here Bahamut in a thong materia! You should be crying for mommy by now!"

Still, no one paid her any attention.

"That's it! I'll show you all! It's morphin' time!" she yelled, holding the red orb out in front of her. Nothing happened. "Er, no, damn, I mean..." Her voice trailed off as she tried to hide her embarrassment at liking the Power Rangers. Especially the white ranger. She'd had a crush on him since he was the green ranger. She covered her face as it turned a bright shade of red. Not that it mattered of course, since everybody was ignoring her anyway.

"Oh, screw this!" she yelled. "Bahamut in a Thong! I summon you!" For a moment, nothing happened. Then Biggs and Wedge suddenly appeared in mid air and dropped to the floor. The free-fall of two feet instantly killed Wedge.

"Did somebody summon us?" asked Biggs. Then he noticed his deceased friend's body lying next to him.

"I guess my time's up," sighed Biggs, running himself through with a sword seconds before he was attacked by a troupe of rabid Chu-Chus.

"What the hell is this!?!" screeched Yuffie. The other members of AVALANCHE winced and covered their ears. "A Biggs and Wedge summon materia? What kind of Gawd forsaken crap is this?" The other members of AVALANCHE once again paid no heed to her. They were too busy tying Cloud to a stake and setting his hair alight for letting Yuffie into their party in the first place. I mean, first she ambushes them, then runs off with half their gil, and the next time they meet up Cloud asks her to join them! What's that all about?

Cloud screamed as his gel soaked spikes were set alight.

"OH MY SPOONY, MY HAIR APPEARS TO BE ON FIRE!" he yelled. What the other members of AVALANCHE didn't realise was that Cloud had been using a particular, very flammable brand of hair gel since he was about 7. This gel had soaked through to his brain, but because his brain wasn't all that big there were a lot of gel fumes floating around in the empty space. Cloud's head exploded, sending viscera flying and covering the remaining members of AVALANCHE with red goo. Biggs and Wedge, whom Yuffie had just summoned again, were killed in the explosion.

"...Holy @^@*!" was the most Cid could manage. Everyone grunted in agreement.

"I wouldn't like to be here when Tifa and Aeris get back," muttered Red. As if on cue, Tifa walked in that very second.

"Hi guys!" she grinned. She was feeling much better since she locked Aeris upside down in the freezer.

"Er, hi Tifa!" Barret smiled, blocking Tifa's field of vision as best he could as Cid dragged Cloud's headless corpse into the broom cupboard.

"YOU!" roared Yuffie. "You stole my story!"

"What?" enquired Tifa, confused.

"You muscled in on my big break! This was going to be just about me! ME, Godammit! But then you had to go and do that stupid Aeris-murdering plotline!"

"Er, I-"

"This was going to be called 'The Yuffie Story', or something. It was going to be MY moment of fame! Do you honestly think I LIKE being the character that everyone hates? If those slack-jawed, workshy hicks hate me so much then why did they spend hours wandering round the Junon forests just to find me? But there shall be an end! I SHALL HAVE MY GLORY!"

Tifa raised an eyebrow, disbelieving, as Yuffie produced two gunblades seemingly from nowhere with a deft flick of her wrist.

"Where were you hiding those - "

"None of your business!" Yuffie snapped. She tossed Tifa a gunblade, and swirled hers about menacingly.

"This is the scene where you swear your undying hatred for me...or something," growled Yuffie as she swung her gunblade in small arcs around her. Eventually, she pointed her gunblade at Tifa.

"Let's go!" she yelled, charging at her. Tifa sighed at yet another unnecessary fight scene. She picked up her gunblade and laced her finger around the trigger.

"Why does no-one ever use the gun function of a gunblade?" she wondered, as she pulled the trigger. Several shots rang out as Tifa fired a hail of bullets at the charging Yuffie. It looked like it was all over. Then suddenly, Biggs and Wedge appeared in front of Yuffie. Before they could say anything, the bullets ripped through their bodies, killing them instantly.

"Thank Gawd for expendable characters," beamed Yuffie, the red summon materia glistening in her left hand. With a powerful swing of her gunblade, she relieved Tifa's shoulders of her head.

"I win!" she smiled, cheerily. "Now I'm off to summon Biggs and Wedge in the middle of a freeway!" She skipped off happily, leaving Cid, Barret, Red and Cait Sith to piece together the dead.

"I don't think we've got a hope in hell's chance of getting the bits of Cloud's messed up @^@* head back together," sighed Cid, as he scraped some red, lumpy goo and shattered pieces of skull from his flight jacket.

"I found one of his eyeballs behind the sofa!" called Cait, holding up one of Cloud's mako blue eyes.

"I think it's a lost cause," commented Red. "However, I do have an idea. Cait, fetch Tifa's head..."

* * * * *

"I'm so glad that Ninja girl didn't find that materia," Bahamut said to Kjata. "I really don't know how I'd fit into this thing." The dragon esper held up a tiny polka dotted thong. Just then, Biggs and Wedge crawled in.

"Hey guys," Bahamut greeted them. "You alright? You look like you've been hit by a truck."

"We HAVE been hit by a truck," growled Biggs, coughing up blood.

"Uh oh, looks like you're being summoned again!"

"@@^*!!!"

* * * * *

Aeris's Diary

So anyway, I was just walking into the bathroom to clean my teeth when this guy turns up and introduces himself as Solid Snake. I ask him if his Snake is as solid as his name says, and he says, 'I don't know, wanna find out?' So I was about to, um, find out, when TIFA walks in and says I should be dying from Foxdie now, and I said 'You dumbass Tifa, everybody knows that only expendable characters or villains about to kill you are affected by Foxdie,' and she said 'I knew that, what kind of a moron do you think I am?' Then we had this big fight and I locked her upside down in the freezer. That'll teach her.

Hello?

Can anyone hear me?

Guys, seriously, it's cold in here, and I feel faaaiinnnnt...

* * * * *

"Tifa?" a voice said softly. "Tifa, wake up!"

Slowly, Tifa opened her eyes "H-huh?" she said, confused. Her head was throbbing with a dull ache, and her whole body felt - odd. She drew her hand up to her head, her hand brushing her chest on the way up. Something was wrong. It felt...flat.

"Now Tifa, don't look down just yet," chided Cid, pinning Tifa's struggling head down.

"There was an accident, and we had to...Oh, here comes Barret, fresh from chipping Aeris's frozen body from the freezer. He'll tell you the rest."

"Dat's right, foo'," growled Barret, brushing pieces of frozen Aeris out of his beard. "Cloud's head be in too many pieces to repair, but we still be needin' his body 'cos he be the toughest out of all of us. So, we be doin' some home surgery. Take a look fo' yoself."

Cid finally released Tifa's head and allowed her to look at her body. She glanced around the room and saw her own headless corpse lying on the floor. Pieces of skull and cranial matter were stuck to the walls, and one of Cloud's eyeballs hung from the ceiling. She looked down, already knowing what to expect. She saw Cloud's body, Buster sword clutched in one had, half eaten packet of crayons in the other.

"NOOOOOOO!!!"

~FIN~