Madame Zolar's Big DIPper Zodiac for 1995
AAries (Mar 21-Apr 20): Your firebrand approach will see you burned this year. You'll organise an EFG and forget you're Germany, or talk up a steamroller and forget you're Germany. Or you'll stab England and France at the same time and forget you're Germany. What is it about you and Germany? BTaurus (Apr 21-May 20): Your bullish attitude as Austria narks others except your Italian ally because he isn't allergic to wool and doesn't know how far. . . but then that's typical of your I'myaMate approach. Someone is waiting for you this year, is wearing a spangled vest and carrying a red cape and sees steakettes every time you walk in. CGemini (May 21-June 21): You don't need an alliance, you're an alliance all on your own. Both of you keep your own counsel and if you ever last long enough to be a convincing ally, you might earn one. Get a life, get an alliance. DCancer (Jun 22-Jul 22): You're everywhere. Only trouble is, no-one knows you're there until it's too late. They're busy battling someone else when they find the evil emissaries of your empire on their doorstep and their kidneys. You spread like, well, cancer. An AMA Scorpio is planning to surgically remove you in July. ELeo (Jul 23-Aug 22): You've used up your eighth life and spoken all your best lions(sic). Your bid for world supremacy might work if it weren't so obvious -- your subtlety was never a strong point. You typically get to 11 as Italy after stabbing Turkey with the Austrian, the Austrian with the Russian, the German with the Russian, the Frenchman and the Pom, and then have trouble understanding why they all gang up on you! FVirgo (Aug 23-Sep 22): You're a first-timer approaching your first club game. A pleasant group chat over the basics and some elementary strategy. They seem friendly. It'll be a gentle introduction. Gentle? Like hell! You'll be manhandled like a tart at a Sportsman's Night. If you wanted gentle, you should have joined the Bridge Club! GLibra (Sep 23-Oct 22): You're at home at a talkfest, even if you're boring your opponents to death. You play England and run your empire from the St Petersburg teleprinter, or convince the French they need your MAO and ECH fleets to push into the Med and then take a convoyed army to Tunis, ha, ha, ha! You're well-balanced, but the Turks think you'd be better balanced with a 9mm slug of lead behind your left ear. HScorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21): You scuttle back and forth at an amazing rate. You play France in an EFI, thrusting an ally out on each wing, each held by a claw. When ready, your poisonous tail will suck their lifeblood and take their throne. You'll feel a surgical impulse involving a Cancer around July. ISagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21): You're the centaur of attention wherever you go. You've got strong willpower, or at least we hope you've made out a will. You'll need it. Your best mates are Leo or Gemini, or (best of all) a Leo with a split personality. Let your mate take the lead, attract the heat, then ride down the limp body. It's your style. JCapricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19): Stop acting the goat and get off that mountain. Switzerland is impassable, but you refuse to learn. Stubborn describes you. Offered an alliance with Austria you reply "Nuh", with Germany, "Nuh", with France "Nuh". Your EME fishing trip goes sadly wrong and suddenly you're alone on a hilltop in the Tyrol with Turkeys gobbling your pasture in Rome. You're pasta joke, if not pasteurised. KAquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18): You're the type who gets into a steamroller as Russia then gets cold feet in 1904. Sure, you're taking some heat from England and Germany, but you stuffed up taking Norway in 1902 (a sure thing). The Kaiser was on your side until then. You go to water. So Germany, England and Turkey come in to mop you up. Goodbye! LPisces (Feb 19-Mar 20): The typical English player. You have an obsession with water, so send fleets everywhere. Then you realise that water is best viewed from land, so you seize every available coastal province. You're not wishy-washy and, as England, you'll never be washed up. As landlocked Austria, you're hopeless. As Turkey, you're a Russians dream of a naval ally. You love naval gazing. But there's something fishy about you, and definitely something rotten in the state of Denmark that your fishing inspectors must attend to.
