back to main

THE DARUNIA SPRINGER SHOW: Darunia Springer: Hello people! I am Darunia Springer, the Sage of crappy TV shows! I'm here today to help a dude named Link and Zelda, who have been having problems with their relationship. Please welcome Link and Zelda!

Darunia: Why did you come here today Link?

Link: Beause you paid me to

Darunia: You're supposed to say to see if you can solve my problem.

Link: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh... I came here today to see if-

Darunia: Too late, Link

Link: Damn...

Zelda: Does this have a point?

Darunia: No. We're just talking about nothing. It worked for Seinfeld!

Link: It's true...

Darunia: Anyway, we're here today because Zelda has been complaining she hasn't been getting enough. Isn't this true, Zelda?

Link: No, it isn't.

Darunia: I was asking Zelda you moron! Is it true?

Link: No

Darunia: I'm just not gonna talk to you anymore. Zelda?

Zelda: Yes

Crowd: Ooooooooooooooooooooooh... DARUNIA! DARUNIA!

Darunia: SHUTUP! Now I have news for you Link: Zelda's been cheating on you!

Link: With who?

Zelda: Who else? Princess Ruto!

(Ruto walks on stage)

Link: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

(Link runs away and into cactus, thus dying)

Darunia: Wow! Someone finally died on my show. Think of the ratings!

(Show of ratings: It goes from 0 viewers to 1)

Darunia: Alright, so Zelda, how would you rate your relationship with Ruto?

Zelda: Crappiest relationship ever

Darunia: Then why the hell did you cheat on Link for her?

Zelda: Don't ask me, I'm just a stupid video game character. They pay me to scream, not think

Ruto: Sugar Pie! We've got plenty of things to do in the morning! (winks at Zelda).

Crowd: Oooooooooooooooooooooh... DARUNIA! DARUNIA!

Darunia: SHUTUP!

Zelda: Please kill me

Darunia: Sure. Where's a gun when you need one?

Link's ghost: I always keep one in my underpants. Try there.

Darunia: Sure, why not? (Reaches down pants) Ah... there's one! (Shoot's Ruto)

Zelda: Hey! I said kill me!

Darunia: Alright. (Shoot's Zelda)

Link's ghost: C'mon Darunia. Everyone in this audience wants to die. You can't do a show for your life! You're a friggin rock!

Darunia: Shutup

Link's Ghost: You dont tell me to shutup you *beep.* I'm gonna *beep* your mother *beep* *beep* and then lice off your throat while *beep* your mother!

Darunia: You *beep*! I'm gonna *beep* kill you!

(dudes come and take Darunia Springer and Link's Ghost away)

Well, that's all the time we hae today on the Darunia Springer show

THE IDIOT GAME: Me: Hello, I'm your host Brahm K., and tonight were going to find out who is the most idiotic person in Hyrule. Our contestants are: Link!

Link: Me Hero

Me: Of course you are. Our next contestant is Ingo!

Ingo: I do stuff... great... crap, how say....

Me: SHUTUP! Our next contestant is King Zora

King Zora: Oh where is my sweet, dear Princess Ruto?

Ruto: I'm right in front of you dad.

King Zora: Oh where is my sweet, dear Princess Ruto?

Me: Alright! Here's how the game works! Everytime you get a question I ask right, you get a point. The person with the least points by the end of the game is the idiot! The first question is: Is there a drawing on Link's House? Link, you go first.

Link: What's a drawing?

Me: Alright, Ingo, you're next.

Link: Me no get right?

Me: No. Now Ingo. Answer the friggin question!

(Silence for about 20 minutes).

Me: All right, you're turn, King Zora.

King Zora: Oh where is my sweet, dear Princess Ruto?

Me: Alright. You all have zero points. The second question is: Who is the main villain of the Zelda Games? Link you first.

Link: Is it that dude... who does stuff?

Me: No. Ingo, you're next.

Ingo: YOU *beep*! YOU KILLED HER!

Me: Ok... King Zora?

King Zora: Oh where is my sweet, dear Princess Ruto?

Me: I'm sorry. You all still have zero points. Okay next question. What is Link's name? Link?

Link: Is it Malon?

Me: (starting to get annoyed): No. Ingo?

Ingo: I no no ser tion.

Me (starting to get mad): KING ZORA?

King Zora: Oh where is my-

Me: OH WHERE IS MY SWEET DEAR PRINCESS RUTO! IS THAT WHAT YOU WE'RE GOING TO SAY, DAMMIT?

King Zora: Oh where is my sweet-

Me: WELL YOU'RE WRONG! Ok... calm down Brahm... OH SCREW IT! YOU'RE ALL A COMPLETE BUNCH OF MORONS! I'LL KILL YOU ALL!

Link: Whoa dude. You need alcohol!

Me: SHUTUP! SHUTUP ALL OF YOU!

(Men in white coats come and drag me away).

Ingo: He idiot

King Zora: Oh where is my sweet-

Me (from far away): SHUT YOUR FACE!

Man in lake all day, looking for the Catfish' Maw.

white coat: Ok, just calm down Brahm, everything's gonna be ok...

Well I guess you know how the story ends. I break out of the Mental Institution, but die when I see Pokemon has taken over the world. So I am writing this site from hell. In fact I'm the devil. But the questin we must ask is: Who is the True idiot? Me? Test results say 100% of the world thinks so. UNTIL NEXT TIME!

ZELDA JEAPORDY: Alex: Welcome to Zelda Jeapordy! I'm your host, Alex Trebek, and our three contestants tonight are: Link from Kokiri Forest!

Link: Wassup? From out of town?

Alex: Um yes... Our second contestant is Ruto, from Zora's Domain

Ruto: Hello Link darling. Wanna get married today.

Link: Get the hell away from me ya frickin fish!

Alex: And our final contestant is Ganon

Ganon: HA ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Cough cough

Alex: Ganon, you choose the first category

Ganon: I choose evil people for $10,000

Alex: The highest is $1,000

Ganon: Shutup before I kill you!

Link: Ah crap, I need some pot

Alex: yes... So it's evil people for $1,000 He destroys villages and tries to claim the triforce

Bing! Ganon: Who is Link?

Alex: I'm sorry, that was incorrect. Bing!

Ruto: Who is King Zora? His farts almost destroyed Zora's Domain. Ain't that right, sugar pie

Link: Get the hell away from me

Alex: I'm sorry, that's wrong. Bing

Link: I need to use the crapper.

Alex: I'm sorry, that's wrong. The correct answer was: Who is Ganon. You each have -$1000 so far, but that's okay, you can all catch up. Link, it's your turn to choose a category

Link: Umm... People in Hyrule for $500

She is the Princess of Hyrule Bing!

Ruto: Who is the darlin' Princess Ruto?

Alex: I am sorry, that is incorrect. Bing!

Link: Who is Ganon?

Alex: I am sorry, that is also wrong. Ganon? Are you going to try? Bing!

Ganon: Who is that pesky annoying little *%$#@ Zelda?

Alex: That is correct! Ganon moves into the lead with -$500, while Link and Ruto are stuck behind with -$1500. The time has flown by, with these idiots taking 10 minutes each to answer. After this break, we'll be ready for Final Jeapordy.

(Game resumes)

Alex: We're back here at Zelda Jeapordy. It is now time for Final Jeapordy. The answer is: It is the village where the well is.

Alex: Has everyone prepared there answer? Good. Let's start with Link. Link wrote: Where is the bathroom? I am sorry that is incorrect. How much did he bet? -$20,000? Hmmm..., prety cheap... that puts you in first with $19,500. Now Ruto wrote: Who is that sweetie pie Link? How much was that? $50,000? That puts you in last with -$51,500. What did Ganon write? What is Kakariko Village?? That is correct! How much did you bet? $0? You remain wit your score of -$500 and are in second place! Link has won with his cheap tricks and crap and wins $19,500! The rest of you owe me money.

Ganon: What the hell! I'm gonna kill you! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Oh crap! I'm having a heart attack!

Link: Dude, maybe some exctasy will help ya.

Ruto: Don't worry about him, sugar. Now let's go somewhere comftorable...

Alex: Were gonna end here. I hope you enjoyed Zelda Jeapordy!

Link (in background): Get away from me! Help me! No! Get off ya stupid fish!

You know you've been playing too much Zelda when...

You try seducing a girl with Kamaro's dance.

You catch a lightning bug and carry it around all your life, hoping it'll revive you from the dead.

You continuously ram into a tree, hoping some rupees all out.

You are absolutely sure Spock is a Hylian and not a Vulcan.

You sing the song of healing in front of a teacher, hoping he'll die and leave behind a mask.

You refuse to go to the petting zoo in fear of chickens.

You refer to chickens as 'cuccos'.

You swim around the You spend all your free time fishing, because that 'big lunker' at the bottom must have a piece of heart inside.

You spend all your free time fishing, hoping you'll one day catch a Hylian loach.

You're afraid to pick a flower because it might be a bomb-flower.

You're stuck to your seat.

Your diet mainly consists of hard rocks.

You buy an ocarina just to play the minuet of forest and are disappointed that it didn't take you to the sacred forest meadow.

You put yourself in some blue rags and wear a couple of iron boots so you can sink yourself to the bottom of the pool and start looking for princess Ruto.

You grab a chicken, jump off the roof and are surprised to find out the landing is NOT soft.

You go to the bank and try to change your money for rupees.

You slap every spider around because it might leave a skulltula token.

You're afraid to eat chicken because you might be attacked by it's friends.

You're looking on your world map trying to find where exactly Koholint Island is.

You name your horse Epona.

You sing Epona's song near a cow and hope that it will give you some milk.

You name your daughter Malon and your son Talon.

There are butt-prints left on your seat.

You go to your bowling alley to play a game of bombchu-bowling.

You run around town every day, hoping you'll one day be able to beat the running man.

Your hands are stuck to your controller.

You never fight in real life because you can't use Z-targeting.

You try to whack every butterfly with a stick, because a fairy might appear.

Roam around the graveyard at night, looking for Dampé's Ghost.

You search all shoe-stores in town looking for a pair of hover boots.

You run around town with a magnifying glass in front of you, hoping you'll find some hidden path.

You finally stop playing and find out two days have passed.

You finally stop playing and find out mankind is extinct.

You want to be buried with your Zelda cardridge next to you.

You actually believe those pathetic Triforce rumours.

You're reading this nonsense.

You start talking to scarecrows.

You play the flute in front of a scarecrow and wonder why it's not dancing.

You hum ocarina tunes in class, hoping you'll be warped out of the classroom.

You break every vase you encounter hoping to find some rupees inside.

You look in every mirror, hoping it will take you to the light world.

Think you are of the Hylian Race.

Cut your ears so they are pointy.

Ask the salesman in a clothing shop where you can find the Zora Tunic.

You know you're a Zelda freak when:

You think your favorite magnifying glass will reveal a secret treasure chest.

You put on a pair of red clothes and walk through a fire, expecting not to get burned.

You ask the local grocer if she has change for a purple rupee.

You talk to a maple tree, waiting for its mouth to open so you can go inside.

You walk around town blowing up driveways, looking for secret grottoes.

You pick up Farmer John's chicken and jump off the barn roof to get to the heart piece.

You put a fish in front of a giant halibut so it will suck you into its mouth.

You get a slingshot and shoot at quarters to get a bigger bag to carry your rocks.

You go fishing at a lake, determined to catch that Hyrule Loach

You really believe every one of those stupid Triforce rumors.

You make up words for the classic Overworld theme.

You pick up a rat and throw it into the laundry chute so you'll get a heart piece.

You can't sleep unless you have your teddy Zelda cartridge on your pillow next to you.

You break the law by replacing Jefferson's face with Link's face on Mt. Rushmore.

You can't go one day without diving into a wishing well to collect all of the "rupees".

You go to a cemetery and whistle Zelda's Lullaby so you can learn the Sun's Song.

You ram into bookshelves at the library to find a book that tells you where the hidden dungeon is.

You put red food coloring into your water bottle so it will revive you after a basketball game.

You tell every overweight person you find to eat more green rocks so they'll grow up big and strong.

You ask your history teacher where Hylians come from.

You go to the Petrified Forest National Park to pay your respects to the Great Deku Tree.

You put an ice cube on the tip of an arrow and shoot it at the class bully.

You go scuba diving at the lake because you swore the entrance to the Water Temple was there.

You use a sledge hammer to hit the keys on your keyboard.

You hit every picture on the wall so you can twist your hallway.

You light a stick on fire and run to the lamp post to light it before your stick burns away.

You carefully check your campsite area for Moblins and Deku Scrubs before you go to sleep.

You keep every spider you kill so your mom will give you a bigger wallet.

You try to sell a fish to the beggar in the alley.

You get on a horse and ride it all over the place, looking for the Big Poes.

You try to get every dog you find to follow you to the old woman's house so you'll get a heart piece.

You talk to every tree sprout you find, begging it to tell you your true identity.

You roll into every tree in the neighborhood to knock the skulltula out of it.

You ask every one you see where the Triforce is.

You try to sell the fox mask from last Halloween to the security guard at the mall.

You put a butterfly into a jar and kill yourself so it can revive you.

You look all over the beach for the guy who gives you a boomerang.

You collect every shell you find and try to trade them at the grocery store for a better sword.

You make sure you wear blue trunks to the swimming meet.

You won't go anywhere unless you're dressed like Link.

You go to City Hall and command the evil mayor to release Zelda.

You refer to President Clinton as "Ganondorf".

You blow up the NOA building in Washington because they wouldn't tell you where the Triforce is.

You get a tatoo of the Triforce on your left hand.

You dream every night of the days that you played in Kokiri Forest without a care in the world.

You go into a museum, looking for the huge Dodongo skull.

You wonder why your teacher keeps telling you that there is no such thing as a Goron.

You put on a mermaid suit and call yourself a Zora.

Your favorite suit is the green one with the matching cap.

You play Zelda until 2 am every night, regardless what you have to do tomorrow.

On your vacation to Cairo, Egypt, you ask the tour director if Nabooru can be your guide.

You play Saria's Song every day, waiting for her to talk to you.

You tell the guard at NOA to let you pass because you have Zelda's Letter.

Whenever you're in trouble, you try to cast Farore's Wind.

Ever noticed how much Link and Peter Pan are alike?

1. Both of them have fairies
2. Both wear green tunics
3. Both can sword fight
4. Both have weird hats
5. Both have enemies that want to kill them
6. Both their enemies are older than them
7. Both of them wear tights
8. Both are heroes

Here are some pictures I edited

He's back and he's ready to...answer some questions. This is quite a gift to interview Kaepora Gaebora, and I hope he helps you to understand Zelda: Majora's Mask better.

Q: Ok, are you ready to get started?

A: Yes. I think. Hoo hooot!

Q: Ok, first question. What is The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask?

A: The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask is a magical frog who grants the wishes of the sick and elderly. Do not eat him though, because he tastes really bad, and he'll get mad and turn you into in owl. Hoo hooot!

Q: Will the different masked forms of Link have special attacks?

A: One time I was flying to the castle, and I didn't see a tree, and I hit it, and I got confused, and it never stopped. Then the magical frog...really Mrs. Jenkins, would you like some tea? Hoo hooot!

Q: How many levels/temples will Zelda: MM have?

A: The game will be played out in an office building, and there will be no levels. Instead there will be floors. Hoo hooot!

Q: The will be floors?

A: Yes. Shut up. Hoo hooot!

Q: Will Princess Zelda be in Zelda: MM?

A: Princess Zelda is mysterious woman, nobody know whether or not she will be in the next Zelda game. This is her choice, and you'll have to respect whatever she decides. Hoo hooot!

Q: When will The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask come out?

A: According to my inside sources, the Majeje's Musk is already released, except only in the imaginary country of Riesgistan, located somewhere between my eyes and my beak. The king of Riesgistan is Slashamahash. He is my friend. Once upon a time I was flying, and I flew into a tree, and I {{Note from Zelda64Gld: This next part is the closest typable equivalent to what Kaepora Gaebora said.}}rrirrtiutiutiigaagaagaadoifdoifhoohoot.

Q: What about Navi, I just loved Navi in Zelda 64. Will she return? I hope, I hope, I hope...

A: Navi is a fairy who was in Zelda: Ocarina of Time. Hoo hooot!

Q: Yes, you're right. Will she return in The Majora's Mask?

A: I did an official poll which says Navi is the second most popular character in Zelda 64. I'm the most popular. Hoo hooot!

Q: Well, ok then. Who will be the final boss of Zelda: Majora's Mask?

A: That's a tough one. I'm guessing a giant pillow. This is very likely. I'd bet 150 rupees it's going to be a pillow. Hoo hooot!

Q: A pillow?

A: A big pillow. Hoo hooot!

Q: Do you're saying that a big pillow will be in Zelda: MM?

A: If the ways of the wind are know to the leaf, the leaf would lay in the water. Respect the antelope. Hoo hooot!

Q: Hmm, deep thoughts there. What about Ura-Zelda?

A: Hey, don't call me that. You're the Zelda. Hoo hooot!

Q: Yes...next question: Will you be able to turn into an adult in Majora's Mask?

A: Me? I don't know. I think I'm an adult. Hoo hooot!

Q: When I say you, I mean you as in the general sense. So will you be able to turn into an adult?

A: On the topic of senses, I have good ears. I can hear Link coming from a mile away. That gives me plenty of time to fly to him and tell him some wisdom. Hoo hooot!

Q: Share some of that wisdom with us?

A: Don't spit while flying, because it comes back and hits you in the face. It's no fun, and if you forget, you just keep spitting in the wind and it gets all over your beak and feathers. Hoo hooot!

Q: Great advice for everybody. Can you tell us some insider information about the masks that change you into different creatures of Hyrule?

A: Thanks to my being the most popular character in Zelda: Ocarina of Ti-OUCH!, ok, ok, I was only the second most popular charact-UG! OOF! HEY! HEY! OK!, any way, because I'm a big shot at Nintendo, I have learn-I DARN! STOP! BY THE TRIFORCE, STOP! Well, my sources tell me that the main mask will be, man that hurt, the Kaepora Gaebora mask that lets you fly and collect the magic banana-AHHH!! HELP ME! THEY WONT STOP! AHHHGGGLL...hoo...nnnnm...hoo...oo...t...

Q: Do you need a band-aid, KG?

A: Gllllllllllllllnnn...hoo...huuuuuujk

Q: Ok then, thanks for your time! Can we expect another interview soon?

A: Bbbbfffsssssggd...mommy...hooot...hoo...hooot...

and here is the next one

Welcome back to another great interview with Kaepora Gaebora, seer of all there is to see, hearer of all there is to hear, and knower of...stuff.

Q: Hello Kaepora, how are things going?

A: I would spend the money to feed the poor. Hoo hooot!

Q: Yes...well anyway, do you have any new news about The Legend of Zelda: The Majora's Mask?

A: Yes, I have lots. Hoo hooot!

Q: Well, what about the rumors that you might be able to find the Triforce in Zelda: The Majora's Mask? Nintendo has said that it won't be in the game, but I'm sure nobody will believe Nintendo until they hear it from you.

A: Yes the Triforce, shining fluorescent green, hated by many. Being an insider I know that you most certainly will be able to get it. It's in the Monkey Temple. Hoo hooot!

Q: Hmmm...let's move on. What will be the approximate playing time for Zelda: MM?

A: Zelda: The Majora's Mask promises to be even longer than Zelda: Ocarina of Time. Since it took me 750 hours to be Zelda: Ocarina of Time, Zelda: MM should have about 1000 hours of playing time. Hoo hooot!

Q: Are you going to be in the next game?

A: Am I ever! I fly around beside link, and turn different colors when an enemy is near, and I help Link target the bad guys, and I give him advice. I may look a little different, because I'm wearing a costume. Hoo hooot!

Q: Are you sure you aren't talking about a fairy?

A: Yes. Hoo hooot!

Q: What's your favorite food?

A: Lon Lon surprise. Hoo hooot!

Q: What's Lon Lon surprise?

A: Horse meat. Hoo hooot!

Q: When are you going to have your own game.

A: Well, I have no plans for a game, but I am cutting a rap album. Hoo hooot!

Q: Really, a rap album? Could you give us a sample?

A: Er-hrm:

You my name's Slide KG3, I'm as sexy as can be, and I kind of have to pee...deedle-ee, deedle-ee, dee. Hoo hooot!

Q: That's very good sure to go triple-platinum. Anyway, how-

A: Wait, there's more! Second verse, rap it out:

Don't **** with me or I'll bust a ****ing cap in yo' mutha ****ing ***! I'll be like Jaws, and rip off your ****, and don't give me ****, or blow off your ****ing ****! Hoo ****ing hooot!

Q: Yes, moving on, how many megabytes will the game be?

A: I mix hardcore Philly hip-hop with gangsta' rap. Hoo hooot!

Q: Very, nice, but how many megabytes will the game be?

A: Well...13? Hoo hooot!

Q: 13 megabytes?

A: I don't know, 14? Hoo hooot!

Q: How about the rumors that you're going to write a book?

A: Well, I can't say much, but it's going to be called, "Confessions of a millionaire speed-boat racer." Hoo hooot!

Q: Ok, not quite what I expected. Moving on, what about your infamous underground drug life?

A: Listen ,just because I'm friends with Daryl Strawberry doesn't mean I take drugs. Drugs are bad, m'kay? Drugs are stupid. Drug isn't fun. Drugs, isn't that a funny word? D-rugs, Drug-s, it sticks to the roof of my mouth. Got any munchies? Hoo hooot!

Q: What sports do you enjoy?

A: I enjoy tennis, soccer, and basketball. Hoo hooot!

Q: Really, you mean you don't like any weird sports, like "toss the squash", or lacrosse?

A: Nope...except I did used to play a game called "punch yourself in the stomach". I always won. Hoo hooot!

Q: What magazines do you read?

A: I read Good Nestkeeping, Monster Truck Weekly, Wrestling Mania, Backwoods Bumpkin Bi-monthly, and of course Market Watch. Hoo hooot!

Q: You don't read Market Watch do you?

A: No. Hoo hooot!

Q: Lets talk politics. Who do you support for a presidential candidate.

A: I support John McCain. Hoo hooot!

Q: Why do you support him?

A: because he's not George W. Bush! Hoo hooot!

Q: What about the democrats?

A: Demo-what's now? Hoo hooot!

Q: The little donkey guys.

A: Oh...well I like Bill Bradley, because he was an astronaut. Hoo hooot!

Q: What? Bill Bradley was never an astronaut.

A: Oh, then I support John Glenn. Hoo hooot!

Q: John Glenn isn't running for president. Who else do you support?

A: Darn, what a shame. I guess I support me. Hoo hooot!

Q: Are you running for president?

A: Yeah, why not. Hoo hooot!

Q: What is your stance on gun control?

A: Guns don't kill people, big sharp knives kill people. Hoo hooot!

Q: So, are you pro-gun or anti-gun?

A: Yes. Hoo hooot!

Q: Do you wear boxers or briefs?

A: It differs, I mean depends. Darn, I messed that joke up. Hoo hooot!

Q: What is you're favorite animal?

A: Owl. Hoo hooot!

Q: How old are you?

A: Age is not important. It's how much money you have that counts. Hoo hooot!

Q: How much of your income do you give to charity?

A: 115%. Hoo hooot!

Q: How can you give 115% of your income to charity?

A: Tax reasons. Hoo hooot!

Q: Are you in legal trouble?

A: Only in South America! Hoo hooot!

Q: Have you ever tried marijuana?

A: No, I was at a party, and somebody offered me some marijuana, but I said, "The wacky weed, it is bad, listen to me, 'cause I'm your dad." Hoo hooot!

Q: Are you the queen of the fourth dimension?

A: 42. Hoo hooot!

Q: What's your favorite video game?

A: Barbie's Underwater Adventure. Hoo hooot!

Q: What's your favorite movie?

A: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer. That's one high quality piece of filmmaking. It got stiffed at the Oscars. Hoo hooot!

Q: Well, that's all the time we have for now. Any last words Kaepora?

A: Where's the beef?