TEKKEN COMMITTEE: FILM FESTIVAL OF THE IRON FISTBy the psycho known as Saiyan Rage/Lord Kazuya
It began with a shout:
"CUT!"
"How many more times are we going to do this scene?" complained Lee.
"Hey, I have to be very appealing to the ladies during the entire movie. That one take…I just didn’t feel like I was appealing enough."
Lee gave Kazuya a blank look. "You’re drinking tea."
Kazuya sneered. "Hey, I can make myself look very sexy while drinking a damn cup of tea! Now let’s try it again, and after this scene, I promise to help you on your movie about the fast car."
Lee rolled his eyes. "Alright…’Unnamed Film, Scene Three, Take Two-hundred and Twenty-Three.’"
Narrator: For the past three weeks, the Tekken Committee has been spending time making their movies to compete with those made by the Rival Tekken Committee. In case you’re clueless as to what is going on, Kazuya and his Tekken Committee met with Heihachi and his Rival Tekken Committee three weeks ago. Kazuya issued a challenge to Heihachi and his Rival Committee—a challenge that involves—ah screw it, if you want to know what happened so badly, then go read "Rival Tekken Committee".
Narrator: Anyway, let’s see how the Committee is doing with their movies.
"Alright, so how are we all doing with our movies?" asked Kazuya.
Narrator: I JUST said that—
"Shut up. They can’t hear you…oh great; they’re all looking at me funny. Stop talking to me."
Narrator: But I wasn’t—
"So how are we doing with them movies?" asked Kazuya, completely ignoring the narrator.
"Mine’s already done!" Yoshimitsu announced happily. "And since I have all this free time, I’ve been helping everyone else with their films."
"Especially mine," added Nina. "And Yoshimitsu, I’d like to add, is GREAT with the camera. I bet his movie will display his great camera skills."
Yoshimitsu made a peace sign with his fingers.
Kazuya nodded. "Well, mine’s going great. I’ve finally finished the tea-drinking scene."
Lee rolled his eyes.
"Poor Lee had to film every take too…the only reason he agreed to help was because I’d help him with his film."
"Lee, you’re making a film? I’m impressed," said Anna.
Lee blushed. "Yeah…it’s nothing much, really…"
"Aw, don’t be so humble Lee. Hey everyone, Lee’s film is going to involve a car chase and some martial arts. I recommend it," said Kazuya.
"Aren’t we in a good mood?" observed Lee.
"Oh, they’ll see it for what it really is a week from now," whispered Kazuya.
Lee let out a nervous laugh.
"My film’s got kick-ass martial arts too—ooh! A pun!" exclaimed Lei.
"Yeah, I’m in it too," added Bryan. "I get shot a lot, and even blown up, but I still live."
"In your case that would be real life," replied Kazuya.
"Yeah, but it would look so cool on film, you know?" said Bryan.
"Yeah, sure. Alright, anyone else want to share their progress?" asked Kazuya.
"Hey Julia, do we, like, want to share?" asked Ling.
"Not yet. I want it to be a complete surprise," Julia answered enthusiastically.
"Oh, like, okay!"
Kazuya rolled his eyes.
"My film is going great," replied Hwoarang.
"God, I hope you’re not saying ‘Dude’ and smoking joints during the whole movie," muttered Kazuya.
"I’m not…anymore," replied Hwoarang as he shifted his eyes.
"Oh God," said Kazuya. "Paul! I haven’t had a reason to abuse you yet. How’s your film going?"
Paul leaned back in his chair. "I’ll just have you know that it’s going so well, I’M going to get the award for ‘best dressed’."
Kazuya smiled, not because Paul was an idiot, but because he had a reason to abuse Paul. "Have you not learned by now, Paul? NOBODY messes with the purple suit! I’m so going to win it!"
"Yeah, right. That purple suit is just tacky—"
Kazuya hacked Paul with a hatchet.
"Thanks for writing that memo, Lee," commended Kazuya. "I don’t know what I would have done without it."
Lee nodded. "Sure, you’re welcome."
Kazuya looked at his watch. "Alright, I’m dismissing you all so you can finish up your films."
The Committee remained in their seats.
"Get the hell out!" shouted Kazuya.
The Committee all left in a hurry, even Paul (who was very much okay).
Kazuya laughed. "We’re going to show that second-rate committee how films are made, Lee."
Lee nodded. "Right. So, what scene am I going to help you with today?"
"The scene with the groupies."
Lee raised an eyebrow. "Uh, which one?"
Kazuya stared at Lee. "Dammit, you know what scene it is!" He slapped Lee upside the head with a script.
"Uh, yeah, sure," Lee humored.
ONE WEEK LATER
"It took several thousand takes, but I finally finished my movie," declared Kazuya.
"Hey!" Lee started to cry.
"Oh all right, Lee did help," muttered Kazuya.
Lee smiled. "Thank you." He approached to the judging panel, who were stepping out of their limo. "Are you people sure you’re good at what you do?"
One judge raised an eyebrow skeptically. "Why wouldn’t we know what we’re doing?"
"Uh, no reason. It’s just that there are judging panels out there that can’t really judge for crap (coughcoughGrammyscoughcough)."
The judges nodded. "Don’t worry! We know good movies when we see them."
Lee shrugged his shoulders. "I should hope so."
"It’s about to start," said Kazuya as he looked at his watch. "I don’t see any sign of my dad and his lame-ass committee! Ha! I bet he forgot about the whole damn thing!"
"If he did, wouldn’t it be pointless to have this film festival?" asked Lee.
Kazuya gave Lee the evil eye. "No, it wouldn’t, and you know why?"
"Uh, not really."
Kazuya rolled his eyes. "Because NOBODY messes with the purple suit! My God! Have you paid attention to the last three episodes?"
Lee raised a silver eyebrow. "I’m really worried about you, Kazuya. You keep referring to these other ‘episodes’. Do you know something we—"
Kazuya handed Lee three cartons of cigarettes. Lee became quiet, and slowly backed away with his prized bribe.
Suddenly, a limousine pulled up. The media immediately rushed to the limo, and started taking pictures.
"Okay, they’re just taking pictures of the damn car," observed Kazuya.
"Again," added Lee.
"You know, I still don’t think that one photographer worked with the media," said Kazuya.
"Yeah…they don’t normally take pictures of a celebrity’s ass- unless they work with some girlie magazine that specializes in ogling guys," replied Lee.
"Lee, I think we’re going to be ogled in a girlie magazine," concluded Kazuya.
"And you have a problem with that?"
"Hell no! Let them ogle me…I’ll never meet them anyway."
"Stranger things have happened," Lee said to himself.
Heihachi stepped out of the car, wearing his feathered coat, his white suit, and holding a cane. Numerous flashes from the camera greeted him.
"Oh my—" started Kazuya, but Lee shook his head. Kazuya simply cleared his throat.
"Hello, sons," sneered Heihachi.
"Hello, father," they chimed in unison. Heihachi simply sneered again, and walked away. Kazuya held up his middle finger behind Heiahchi’s back.
"I saw that!" exclaimed Heihachi.
"I knew he would," Kazuya said.
"How come?" asked Lee.
Kazuya patted Lee on the shoulder. "You learn that sorta thing when you become a father."
Lee glared at his brother.
INSIDE THE THEATER
"Hey Nina, how come you didn’t dress up?" asked Jun. Nina was wearing her purple assassin suit, with her trusty knife in a hilt tied around her right leg.
"I have to kill someone after this," she answered.
"Oh my. Why not work on it now?"
"And miss the opportunity to become an action star?"
"Good point."
Nina smiled, and then walked up to Kazuya.
"Nina, you got another job, huh?" he asked.
"Yeah. But I had to come here."
"I know you’ve been waiting for your opportunity to become an action star. This must be really important for you."
"You better believe it! Oh, I see Michelle. If I don’t talk to you later, I’ll see you at tea tomorrow." She smiled, and walked away. Kazuya grinned at her, until Jun punched him in the shoulder.
"What was that back there, Mister I’m-going-to-kick-Lei’s-ass-if-he-flirts-with-my-wife?!" demanded Jun.
Kazuya scratched his head. "Honey, you know we’re always going for tea. Nina always tells me about her ambitions because I’ve always thought she could do something better in her life than kill people. For real, anyway."
Jun raised an eyebrow.
"Besides, she’s more of a sister figure than anything. No chemistry whatsoever."
"Prove it."
Kazuya grabbed Jun, and kissed her.
"Dude, looks like total tongue action there," said Hwoarang as he lit up a joint (in case you were wondering, he was wearing his tuxedo shirt).
Lee started timing the kiss.
"Aw man, I don’t need to be seeing that!" exclaimed a disgusted Jin.
"Actually, it’s kind of turning me on," purred Julia. Jin blushed.
"Like, grossness!" cried Ling.
"They’ve been at it for a minute and a half," said Lee as he continued to time the couple.
"God, Kazuya is such a lucky bastard," muttered Lei.
"Lei, you sound like a jealous girl, and that’s really scaring me," said Bryan.
"I know, but IT’S NOT FAIR!" cried Lei as he grabbed Bryan.
"You’re…crushing…me…" winced Bryan.
"My God, two minutes, forty seconds! Kazuya, you gotta take a breather!" exclaimed Lee.
The two were still at it.
"Oh man, I don’t think they can stop, dude!" exclaimed Hwoarang.
"Man, and he’s not even drunk," added King.
"This is just insane," said Jin.
"Great, now the media wants a piece of this," said Lee. "Three minutes…"
The two finally stopped. The camera-wielding media groaned in disappointment, and walked away with their heads hung in shame.
"Dude, we didn’t think you were going to make it for a second there," said Hwoarang.
"I’ve just been grossed out for like, life," said Ling.
"I’ve just seen my parents make out. I’m going to sit down," said Jin.
"I’ll come with," purred Julia.
"I’m convinced," said Jun. She smirked at Kazuya, stroked his blushing face, and then walked to her seat.
"Lee, time?"
"Three minutes. A new record."
Kazuya straightened the cuffs on his suit. "Beautiful." He saw more members of the Rival Tekken Committee enter the theater.
"The rejects have arrived," Paul said.
Kazuya turned to look at Paul. "That’s the smartest thing I’ve ever heard you say," he remarked.
Paul smiled in self-satisfaction. "You really think so, huh?"
Kazuya nodded. "Yeah. Now I’ll go shoot myself for ever saying that."
"And I’m going to shoot myself for agreeing with you."
"Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention?" requested Lee. "The first annual…uh…what is this called again, Kazuya?"
Kazuya answered by throwing a megaphone at Lee.
"What the hell did I do?" Lee asked.
"Read the damn thing," answered Kazuya.
Lee read the megaphone, glared at Kazuya, then finished the introduction. "The First Annual Film Festival of the Iron Fist is about to begin. We ask that there be no SMOKING?!"
Hwoarang groaned, and smoked the rest of his joint in one inhale.
"That can’t be good for you," said Michelle.
Tears welled up in Hwoarang’s eyes. "Dude…I’m way in over my head…here…whee…trip starting in three…two…."
Michelle shook her head and rolled her eyes.
"Uh, ahem, anyway, we also ask that you turn off all pagers and cellular phones. Failure to comply to these simple rules will…" Lee rolled his eyes.
"READ IT!" ordered Kazuya.
Lee sighed. "Failure to comply to these simple rules will result in getting shot."
Kazuya crossed his arms in satisfaction.
"Our first film is by Nina Williams, called ‘Action Girl Nina’."
Everyone applauded, except for Anna and the Rival Tekken Committee.
"ACTION GIRL NINA"
(The camera shows the inside of a building. A group of men in suits are holding a meeting.)Guy in Suit 1: We’re going to carry on our operation tonight.
GIS 2: Excellent. Let us proceed.
(A knock is heard on the door.)
GIS 3: Who is it?!
Delivery Boy: I got a package here for ya.
(GIS 3 opens the door. Delivery Boy brings the package inside the office.)
Delivery Boy: Just sign on the dotted line.
(GIS 4 signs the paper. Delivery Boy holds hand out for a tip, but GIS 4 slams the door in his face.)
GIS 5: It must be those weapons we smuggled from Hong Kong.
GIS 6: Let’s open it up and see for ourselves.
(GIS 7 opens up the large crate with a crowbar. The top suddenly smacks into GIS 7. Suddenly, Nina jumps out of the crate and onto the table. She is wearing black leather pants, black boots, and a black sleeveless shirt.)
Nina: Sorry boys, but this ISN’T a weapon you’d want to deal with.
GIS 8: Oh my God! It’s that assassin chick!
(Nina shoots GIS 8 with a double-barrel shotgun she grabs from nowhere, killing GIS 8)
Nina: It’s "Action Girl Nina" to you, bastard.
(Nina immediately opens fire on the Guys in Suits. However, the Guys in Suits are also armed—with machine guns. Nina dodges the enemy fire by running on the walls, jumping onto the ceiling, and then she jumps off the wall, and takes out two Guys in Suits as she is landing. She grabs their machine guns, and fires on every Guy in Suit in the room while moonsaulting, flipping, and running on the walls and ceilings.)
Keanu Reeves: Whoa.
(Nina lands, and throws away the machine guns. A Guy in Suit struggles to reach for his gun and shoot Nina, but she throws a knife at him, and it lands in his head.)
Nina: Good night, boys. (Smirks, and walks away.)
THE END
The audience applauded.
"I gotta say, despite the senseless killing, those were some crazy-ass stunts you were pulling there," commended Kazuya.
Nina grinned. "Hey, I figured if those people in ‘The Matrix’ could do it, why not me? Hell, I didn’t need special effects to pull those off either!"
"Looked like a Matrix rip-off to me," scoffed Paul. "You even got Keanu Reeves in there saying ‘whoa’."
Anna giggled.
"Paul, the only thing stopping me from breaking your nose is the thought of how sorry your film’s going to be," replied Nina.
Paul sneered.
"Hey, you’d make a kick-ass action girl!" shouted Hwoarang.
"I agree! You’ve got serious girl power going on there!" agreed Julia.
Nina smiled humbly. "Oh, you’re too kind."
"Not too original, but whatever. I think you should be an action girl," said Jin.
"Well, we’ll see," replied Nina.
Anna was tempted to say something, but decided to keep quiet.
"Our next film is by Bob—"
"Dude! That’s not my name!"
Lee rolled his eyes. "HWOARANG, called "It’s a Wonderful Riff."
"Oh boy," Kazuya said to himself.
"Hell yeah! Here comes my picture, dude!" exclaimed Hwoarang.
"IT’S A WONDERFUL RIFF"
(Hwoarang is shown tuning his acoustic guitar. He counts to three, and then starts playing a riff from "Smells Like Teen Spirit". Then he plays "Purple Haze".)
"I did ‘Purple Haze’ especially for you, man," Hwoarang declared proudly to Kazuya.
"Thanks…you really didn’t have to…though," replied Kazuya. "I don’t know whether to be honored or scared out of my mind. You don’t hallucinate when you look at my suit…do you?"
"Uh…hey! There’s a ‘Free Bird’ riff coming up!!"
" ‘Free Bird’?! Hell yeah!" Kazuya turned around to see the screen.
(Hwoarang continues playing riffs from another Nirvana song, Stone Temple Pilots, and Pearl Jam. Finally; he plays "Free Bird".)
The audience went crazy as Hwoarang played "Free Bird".
THE END
The audience held up lighters (including members of the Rival Tekken Committee, until Heihachi took all their lighters away.)—except for Yoshimitsu, who held up his glowing sword.
Kazuya held up two purple lighters. "That was…unique."
Jin was holding a lighter with a flame design on it. "I wouldn’t be surprised if you got the award for ‘best soundtrack’."
Hwoarang held up a "thumbs up" to Jin. "Rock on, dude."
Jin smirked. "Good thing he’s too high to realize he was complemented by me," he said to himself.
Lee put his silver lighter away. "Our next film is by…me! How about that! My film is ‘Fly Like the Silver Wind."
"The truth will come out," muttered Kazuya.
"FLY LIKE THE SILVER WIND"
(Lee is seen driving his white Honda. He is going at about a hundred miles per hour, and the wind whips his silver hair all over.)
"I kept having to fix Lee’s hair," Kazuya complained.
(Lee is suddenly attacked by a group of punks riding in an SUV. Lee steps onto the hood of his car, while it is still somehow accelerating, and fights the punks.)
"How is the car still moving?" Jun whispered to Kazuya.
"This is one of those films that was made without consistency in mind. So when the film ends, just applaud to make Lee feel better about himself. In fact, pass it on," answered Kazuya.
Jun did so, and whispered it to Michelle, who whispered it to Yoshimitsu, who whispered it to Nina, who whispered it to Julia, who whispered it to Jin(who objected at first, because he thought it would be wrong to deceive Lee into thinking his film was good, but then Kazuya threatened to cut off his allowance, and Jun insisted that he should be nice to his uncle anyway), who whispered it to Bryan, who whispered it to Lei, who whispered it to Hwoarang, who whispered it to Ling, and so forth, because I can only write so much for this story.
(The film ends with Lee having beaten up the punks, and the SUV ends up rolling off a cliff and exploding on impact. Lee steps out of his car, and takes a victory smoke of his cigarette.)
Most of the audience clapped, except for the Rival Tekken Committee (well, Baek clapped) and some of the audience, because they were somehow told by someone to "Cheerleader at the end of the film" rather than "Cheer Lee on at the end of the film", so they sat there in a very confused state.
Lee smiled and took a bow. "Thank you, you’re all too kind…for a second there, I didn’t think you’d like my little film!"
The Tekken Committee all looked at each other nervously.
"I mean, I thought ‘oh man, are they really going to like this?’ And as it turned out, you all did—"
"Lee, shut up and introduce my damn movie already!" shouted Kazuya.
Lee stared at Kazuya angrily. "Well, fine….the next film is Kazuya Mishima’s film, titled ‘Kazuya’s Biggest Challenge.’"
The audience applauded very loudly(except for the Rival Tekken Committee and Paul). Kazuya smiled.
"KAZUYA’S BIGGEST CHALLENGE"
(It starts with Kazuya drinking tea.)
"It took us over two hundred takes for that scene alone," Kazuya whispered to Jun.
"Why? Because you kept getting a wrinkle in your suit?" joked Paul. Kazuya grabbed the hot-blooded fighter by the collar of his tuxedo.
"What have I told you about the purple suit?"
"Nobody messes with it…you really need to stop getting that tired message out."
Kazuya wanted to smack Paul’s face into the chair so badly, but he decided to continue watching his film.
(Kazuya continues to drink his tea until a group of girls spot him.)
Groupie 1: Oh my God!
Groupie 2: It’s him! IT’S HIM!!
Groupie 3: AAAAAAAAA! (Faints)
Kazuya: Oh shit! (Runs)
Groupie 4: Don’t leave us, you purple suit-wearing hunk, you!
" ‘You purple suit-wearing hunk, you?’" Jin asked aloud. Kazuya turned around to glare at his son.
"You like being grounded, son?"
"Not really, dad."
"Then for your sake, DON’T repeat what you had said about the dialogue in my movie."
Jin rolled his eyes. "Whatever."
(Kazuya continues to run from the screaming groupies.)
Groupie 5: I just want your autograph, Kazzy-chan!
Groupie 6: Sign my underwear please, Kazzy-chan!
Groupie 7: Can I touch your purple suit so I can brag to all my friends on my Kazuya webpage?
Kazuya: Leave me alone, you psycho girls! (Turns a corner, and bumps into Sephiroth.)
"Holy shit! How did YOU get Sephiroth to be in your movie?" asked Yoshimitsu.
"We’ve known each other for a while…it’s a funny story, really. See, I was picking up my purple suit from the dry cleaners, and then he shows up to pick up his coat and—hey, I’ll tell you later. Just keep watching the movie!" answered Kazuya.
Sephiroth: What brings you here, Kazuya?
Kazuya: (panting) Groupies…they’ve been chasing me for miles. You?
Sephiroth: I was just picking up my sword from the polisher, and—wait, did you say ‘groupies’?
(Kazuya nods)
Sephiroth: Oh God.
(The groupies finally run around the same corner that Kazuya ran around moments before, and they see both him and Sephiroth.)
Groupie 8: AAAAAAAAAA!!! OH MY GAWD!
Groupie 9: It…it…it’s SEPHIROTH!
Groupie 10: Sephiroth AND Kazuya? Oh my God, I think I just died and went to heaven.
Groupie 11: Let’s get them!
(The Groupies continue to scream and run after Kazuya and Sephiroth, who are already running for their lives.)
Groupie 12: Sephy, can I have a lock of your sexy silver hair?
Groupie 13: Kazzy and Sephy, is it okay if I pair you two in a yaoi I’m writing?
Groupie 14: Can I be one of your cult members, Sephiroth?
Sephiroth: I KNEW I shouldn’t have come here!
Kazuya: Can you take me to your world?
Groupie 15: I bought a trench coat just like the one you have, Kazuya!
"Scary thing is that people actually tell me this," replied Kazuya.
Sephiroth: If you have an idea, I would love to hear it right now.
Kazuya: I do. Come on!
(The two step into a disguise shop. The words "Five Minutes Later" are displayed on the screen, and Kazuya, disguised as Jin, and Sephiroth, disguised as Hojo, step out.)
"Sephiroth wasn’t too thrilled about dying his hair black," commented Kazuya.
(The Groupies finally catch up to Kazuya and Sephiroth.)
Groupie 16: They’re nowhere to be seen!
Groupie 17: Hey, I see them—no, wait; it’s just Jin and that creepy Hojo guy.
(The groupies all groan, and walk away. Kazuya slicks his hair back, and Sephiroth removes his glasses, and his hair reverts to its original silver color.)
Sephiroth: We actually did it. We outsmarted our groupies!
Kazuya: It’s not so difficult. Besides, I’m sure the experience will have them talking for about a year.
Sephiroth: Works for me. Hey, wanna get some coffee?
Kazuya: Okay..
THE END
The audience applauded wildly.
"Dude, he got Sephiroth in his film?! I wasn’t hallucinating, was I?" asked Hwoarang.
Nina tapped Kazuya on the shoulder. "Hey…was that the REAL Sephiroth by any chance?"
Kazuya nodded. "Oh yeah. Trust me, only his, Cloud’s, and all those other guys at SOLDIER have eyes that glow like that."
Nina nodded. "You are just too damn lucky to have met Sephiroth…"
"I wish you hired me to be one of the groupies!" whined Julia.
"I called, but you were apparently busy on your movie!" replied Kazuya.
"Oh? Hrm. Well, if you make another movie with Sephiroth, I want in!" she exclaimed.
"Me too!" added Michelle.
"Dad, that really offended me. There is no way in hell that a bunch of groupies would reject me for you."
"Jin, understand this: Kazuya Groupies only want a bad boy—you know, one who wears purple suits, trench coats, can cross his arms like the bad-ass, looks great in a sleeveless shirt and torn jeans, and has a dark personality. OH! That’s me!"
Jin folded his arms. "In your world, maybe."
Kazuya grabbed a hatchet, but Jun knocked it out of his hand.
"Alright," said Lee. "Our next film is Yoshimitsu’s documentary, ‘Oh M&M’s, Where Art Thou?’"
Kazuya nodded at Yoshimitsu, who nodded back at Kazuya.
"OH M&M’S, WHERE ART THOU?"
(The film starts with Kazuya throwing a brick through Bryan’s window. The note on the brick says, of course, "WHERE ARE MY M&M’S?!" Another scene shows Kazuya hitting Bryan with giant pads of paper reminding him to get the M&M’s.)
Kazuya: Dammit, I want my M&M’s!
Bryan: Why are you obsessing over it?
Kazuya: You stole them and ate them! I DEMAND a replacement!
(Another scene shows Bryan giving Kazuya a King-Size package of M&M’s, but is then hit in the head by a crowbar.)
Kazuya: These are PEANUT M&M’S. These are not the M&M’s you took from me.
(We see Kazuya staring out of a window.)
Kazuya: I really wanted to eat those M&M’s.
THE END
The audience clapped; some of them were tearful. People started tossing King-Sized bags of different varieties of M&M’s to Kazuya.
"Wow, REALLY good camera work there," commended Julia.
Yoshimitsu grinned.
"Oh boo-hoo," scoffed Bryan. Kazuya threw some peanut M&M’s at Bryan’s head.
"You need to follow their example, Fury!" exclaimed Kazuya.
"But I don’t remember what kind I took!"
"Then you get your ass to the store and buy every kind they have (except for Peanut), so that when you give it to me, I can say ‘about damn time!’ and you won’t be hit in the head by bricks…for a while."
Bryan shrugged his shoulders and rolled his eyes. Kazuya threw a tripod at him in response.
"Our next film is by King, called ‘Beer, Children, and Wrestling Mats: A Small Autobiography."
"Alright! My film’s up!" exclaimed King as he held up a beer can.
"BEER, CHILDREN, AND WRESTLING MATS: A SMALL AUTOBIOGRAPHY"
(We see footage of a young King wearing a paper-plate Jaguar mask)
King: I used to always watch King’s wrestling matches on Saturday Night Slamfest on Pay Per View. He was my hero, my idol, I just thought he kicked ass!
(Footage is shown of the original King laying some smack-down on some poor wrestler)
King: What was even cooler was that I was raised at an orphanage run by him. He was a great guy, so nice, and he wanted the best for us. However, at one point, the orphanage was running out of money, and he became an alcoholic. Things seemed really bad, until his rival convinced him to take up wrestling again and participate in the tournament.(Footage is shown of King body-slamming a helpless wrestler)
King: As I got older, I ended up learning some wrestling techniques from the original King. I was very much honored to train under the great King, you know? I also helped out at the orphanage, and I would always tell the kids there about King and his achievements.
(Footage is shown of King the Second drop-kicking his opponent.)
King: The death of the original King was truly a tragic moment. Before he died, he told me that the children needed me at the orphanage, so I took over. But, I also decided to become a wrestler with what moves I learned. Unfortunately, it wasn’t enough, and I was considered a joke compared to the original King. Then, this Armor King guy shows up, and says he wants to train me. I knew that the original King and Armor King were rivals, but I decided to trust the guy—after all, he did help King out back then.
(Footage is shown of King wailing on a wrestler.)
King: Before I knew it, I became a huge success. People would cheer me on wildly, and I won championship belt after championship belt. The kids totally admired me, and I went to as many parties as I allowed myself to. Unfortunately, Armor King decided to retire, so that was a sad day in wrestling.
(Footage is shown of King hanging out with the Tekken Committee.)
King: I’ve got so many fans out there now, and so many kids that look up to me. I’m even a part of this Committee—sure, they’re weird, and the head of the Committee throws a lot of stuff, but they’re all really cool in every which way. So life is good, and I want to thank all my fans, friends, Armor King, and the Tekken Committee for their support.
IN MEMORY OF KING THE FIRST
THE END
King’s film got a standing ovation.
"That was beautiful," said Jun.
"That film gives me a whole different perspective of you," added Lei.
"Dude, where was the beer in that film?" asked Hwoarang. He shrugged his shoulders. "Oh well, it still kicked, man…"
"Marvelous work, King!" commended Michelle.
"Damn, if they don’t give you an award, I’m going to kick the judging panels’ asses," said Kazuya.
"Thank you everyone!" exclaimed King.
Lee wiped away a tear from his eye. "Our next film is by Julia Chang and Ling Xiaoyu, titled ‘Super Magical Fighter Girls J and L’."
Kazuya reached for his red flag, but Jun rapped his hand lightly with a ruler.
"SUPER MAGICAL FIGHTER GIRLS J AND L"
(Julia and Ling are walking to school.)
Ling: So I was like, "Oh, he’s so cute!", but my friend says that the guy was so taken!
Julia: That is such a bummer.
Ling: No kidding! Hey, is that like, our math teacher over there?
Julia: (looking) so it is. But she looks weird.
(The teacher suddenly glows)
Ling: Like, oh my God! She’s totally transforming into something, and it looks like a gross one!
Julia: Should we transform!
Ling: Duh!
Julia and Ling: SUPER MAGICAL FIGHTER GIRLS TRANSFORM!
(Julia and Ling go through a flashy transformation sequence, transforming them into mini-skirt-clad go-go boots-wearing Magical Fighter Girls!)
Julia: Super Magical Fighter Girl J!
Ling: And like, Super Magical Fighter Girl L!
Julia and Ling (posing): We are Super Magical Fighter Girls J and L!!
(The monster turns around to face the girls.)
Monster: I am the dreaded Lady Algebra Instructor! I will destroy you pesky Super Magical Fighter Girls!
Julia: Oh yeah? In the name of Fighting, I will punish you!
Ling: That’s right! We like, fight for Love, Justice, and Girl Power!
Kazuya clamped a hand over his mouth so that he may not let any obscenities slip.
(Julia and Ling fight Lady Algebra Instructor, who is attacking the heroines with razor-sharp mathematical ditto sheets. Julia and Ling dodge the attacks, and weaken the monster.)
Julia: Super Girl Power Mega Ultra Punch!
Ling: Fantastic Burning Phoenix Punch of Love!
(The special attacks destroy the monster.)
Julia: You’re dusted!
Ling: Yeah!
(The two pose)
Julia and Ling: Just another day’s work for SUPER MAGICAL GIRL FIGHTERS J AND L!
THE END
The audience applauded, mainly because they didn’t want to be beaten up by Julia, Ling, Michelle, Ganryu, or Jin.
Kazuya grabbed Jin by the collar of his shirt. "When we get home, we’re going to have to have a talk about who you choose to have a relationship with."
"Whatever," replied Jin.
"That was, uh, interesting," said Lee. "And now for our next film…"
Narrator: Since my hands are cramping up, I’m just going to give you a run-down of the rest of the movies made by the Tekken Committee: Lei and Bryan worked together to make a flick in which Lei kicked butt with his many stances while Bryan got shot at and blown up; Jun played with Kat-zumi in their film, and got many people saying "awww"; Paul rode around on his motorcycle with Law trying to act like he’s having a good time, but you could tell the he was freaked out (and Kazuya threw a wrench at Paul, because he said that Paul was wearing his biker outfit and that there was no way that the biker outfit was better than the purple suit); Anna’s was about her trying to decide what dress to wear (and it lasted fifteen minutes); Ganryu’s was about how he was a failed romantic (Michelle wasn’t too thrilled with the film); Jin didn’t make a film because he said he had enough groupies and fans already, so Kazuya decided to smack him upside his head (and Jun scolded Kazuya for it, and scolded Jin for not participating) and Michelle’s film was about her and her collection of axes, which made Lee very nervous.
Narrator: (drinks water) That run-down was too long! Anyway, let’s see how the Rival Tekken Committee will do with their films:
"Alright, our first film from the Rival Tekken Committee is titled ‘Heihachi’s Dream’, by Heihachi Mishima," announced Lee.
The audience applauded, except for The Tekken Committee (Kazuya was heard shouting "My dream is for Heihachi to have a sudden heart attack and DIE!").
(The film starts, and we see a busty woman sitting on top of the hood of her car. A cop pulls over and approaches the woman.)
Cop: Is there a problem ma’am?
Woman(who is acting rather poorly): There sure is, officer. My car broke down, and I need a jump-start for it.
Cop: I’m afraid you can’t leave your car in the road. I’m going to have to take you in.
"I suddenly don’t like where this is going," said Kazuya.
(The cop cuffs the woman.)
Woman: Ooh, not so tight now, officer.
Ganryu stood up, and shouted, pointing at the screen: "Hey, I think I saw this on the Hardcore Channel the other night!"
The audience gasped, but then stared at the sumo wrestler.
"I just happened to flip by that particular scene, that’s all," he said, and the audience continued to gasp at what they saw on the screen.
"Holy shit, what are they doing?!" asked Michelle.
"Why, I believe it is called ‘sex’ ", King answered. "But…I don’t remember it ever being done like THAT."
"Turn the damn thing off!" shouted Kazuya. "Before several people get really horny or something!" and then he muttered, "Myself included."
Lee quickly removed the film.
The Rival Tekken Committee stared at Heihachi.
"I, uh, must have grabbed the wrong film," he said.
Lee shrugged his shoulders. "Let’s try it again. This is Kunimitsu’s film, entitled ‘Hidden Beauty’.
"
(A masked woman who looks nothing like Kunimitsu jumps around. When she lands on the grass, a masked man awaits her.)
Masked Man: I have been waiting for you.
Masked Woman: As have I.
Masked Man: It is time I unmasked you.
Masked Woman: And I you.
(The two immediately remove each other’s masks, and make out. Then, they start removing clothing, and…)
"Hey Ganny, did you see this on the Hardcore Channel too?" King whispered to Ganryu.
Ganryu hung his head in shame. "Yes," he admitted, "But I was only flipping by it!"
"Okay, that is REALLY nasty right there," commented Lei.
"They’re upside down even!" exclaimed Jin. Jun immediately covered Jin’s eyes.
"Okay, you don’t see stuff like that in the Kama Sutra," commented Anna.
Lee removed the film.
"Okay, did you bring a bunch of porno flicks instead of your Committee flicks to this thing?" asked Kazuya.
"I might have…accidentally picked up…the wrong films," Heihachi admitted.
The Rival Tekken Committee became angry at Heihachi.
"All that work for naught!" exclaimed Kunitmitsu. "Oh well, there’s always the Sundance Film Festival."
"So much for my chance at a music career," muttered Eddy.
Roger said something in Kangaroo which translated to something like "I could have been a famous boxing Kangaroo, until that old coot screwed it up!"
Heihachi quickly left the theater, followed closely behind by his angry committee.
"I guess that means we’re the better committee by default," said Nina.
"So…do we go ahead with the awards anyway?" asked one of the judges.
"YES!" Answered the committee.
THE AWARD CEREMONY
The lead judge decided to name the winners:
"The winner for ‘Best Actor’ goes to…King! The ‘Best Actress’ award goes to Michelle Chang!"King and Michelle were cheered on as they took their awards.
"I’d like to thank my family and friends for this," said Michelle.
"Thank you all for your support over the years man! We gonna party at my house later tonight!" announced King. The crowd really went wild.
The lead judge continued:
"The winner of ‘Best Picture’ goes to ‘Beer, Children, and Wrestling Mats: A Small Autobiography’, by King!"King ran up to accept his second award. "Oh hell yeah! Two awards! There’s going to be a REALLY big party tonight!"
"Winner of ‘Best Soundtrack’ goes to ‘It’s a Wonderful Riff!’ by Hwoarang!"
"The film WAS the soundtrack," Kazuya commented.
Hwoarang ran up to accept this award. "Dude! I’d like to say ‘Rock on’ to my band, and to the Committee, you guys kick ass!" Hwoarang held up a slayer, and walked off the stage to loud applause.
"The winner for ‘Best Action star’ goes to Nina Williams!"
The crowd applauded, especially Kazuya (because he supported her big-time, not otherwise, you spoony bard).
"I would like to thank Kazuya for all his support, and the rest of the Committee, including my sister, no matter how much I may hate her, the thought of her was what made me get into the mood for my role in this picture. Thank you all!"
"I don’t know whether to be pissed off or honored," said Anna.
"Rock on, Nina!" shouted Hwoarang.
"Good job, girl!" shouted Michelle.
"Kick-ass work, Nina!" hollered Kazuya.
Nina smiled, took a bow, then sat down.
"I thought you had that job to do," reminded Jun.
"Hey, you never know when I’ll win another award," said Nina.
"This is true," replied Jun.
"The winner of ‘Best Costume goes to…"
Kazuya and Paul were in suspense. Kazuya was very calm, while Paul was very nervous.
"…Kazuya Mishima!"
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!" laughed Kazuya.
"Duh!" exclaimed Ling.
"Come on, you just can’t beat a purple suit," said Julia.
"And to think I get to see it whenever I want," said Jun as she giggled.
"Gross," whined Jin.
Kazuya ran up to the stage to accept his award. "I’d just like to thank those of you who have supported my purple suit, and have lived by the motto: NOBODY messes with the purple suit! Oh, and Paul: Booyaka! I win, you lose!"
"Okay, I hope he NEVER says ‘booyaka’ again," said Law. "That just doesn’t sound right coming out of his mouth."
Law was smacked by a Grammy.
Paul folded his arms. "It had to be rigged."
"Come on, a biker outfit going up against the purple suit…you didn’t have a chance," said Lei.
"Besides, purple suits are much cooler to look at, dude," added Hwoarang. Kazuya gave Hwoarang a funny look.
AFTER THE FESTIVAL
The Tekken Committee stood around holding their awards.
"Well, that’s it then," said Kazuya. "We showed that second-rate committee that we rock, but more importantly, my purple suit has been proven ultimate once again!"
Jun kissed Kazuya on the cheek. "That you did. I’m so proud of you, honey!"
"So, we’re meeting next week?" asked Yoshimitsu.
"Hell yeah! So long as I have ideas, we’ll always be meeting!" answered Kazuya.
"At this point, I may never get out of it," muttered Paul, who was still bitter at losing the "Best Costume" award to Kazuya.
"Cool! Alright, who wants to party?" asked King.
Everyone followed King, except for Kazuya and Lee, who decided to catch up to the rest of the Committee later.
"I need your honest opinion, Kazuya," said Lee.
"Yeah? What is it?"
"It’s about my film…do you think it really sucked?"
"Hell yes. But hey, I don’t hold that against you. You got an award, didn’t you?"
Lee shrugged his shoulders. "Yeah…I didn’t even know there was an award for ‘Best Way of Destroying an SUV’."
Kazuya shrugged his shoulders too. "Oh well. Come on, we have a party to go to."
"Alright, but on the way, could you PLEASE tell me how you know Sephiroth?"
Kazuya checked his watch. "Okay then…See, I was at the dry cleaner’s picking up my purple suit, when Sephiroth showed up, and…"
Narrator: So the Tekken Committee proved that they were capable of making good films when compared to the Rival Tekken Committee.
Kazuya nodded. "But most importantly, my purple suit proved to still be the best."
Narrator: Yeah, sure, whatever. So, you think we’ll be hearing from the Rival Tekken Committee again?
"Who cares? My purple suit is ownage!’
Narrator: Oh, God….*leaves*
AND NOW, A WORD FROM KAZUYA MISHIMA
"Okay, this was actually one of the more normal (if you can believe that) stories in the Tekken Committee series. But just when I thought was going to be portrayed as a more normal person, I pull an ax-murderer number on Paul. He deserves it, but still, that’s not what I would do at all! But hey, the author says it entertains, so I can live with that.
"Some of the films were something else. Mine was a little crazy, yet, somewhat factual: People really HAVE told me they bought black trench coats because of me. Maybe this will replace my purple suit trend? Anyway, Nina’s was a bit of a rip of The Matrix (but we can look past that one, right?), I don’t know what the hell Ling and Julia made (but I can tell you that they must have loved Sailormoon growing up), Lee’s was really stupid, King’s…was the only normal one, Yoshimitsu’s documentary was really insane…I could go on about it more, but I only get so much space to talk, damn author.
"Oh, and don’t get me started on the porno flick scene with the Rival Tekken Committee. I thought it was really damn stupid, but it was also really damn funny.
"And for the record, I’m not as obsessed about my purple suit as I am portrayed to be. I really like the way it looks on me, but I don’t beat people up for making fun of it, nor do I go around shouting 'Nobody messes with the purple suit!' "
"But you enjoyed the story, right? So, I guess that’s it for this installment of Tekken Committee. Of course, the author is busy on the next one right now, and I hear it’s really stupid. But hey, if people like this kind of stupidity, who am I to complain? I actually look forward to these, believe it or not. Until Next Time…"
NEXT EPISODE: Namco needs a new mini-game for the next Tekken game, and they are leaving that decision in the hands of the Tekken Committee! What will the mini-game be? Tekken Checkers? Tekken Baseball? Tekken Jenga? Tekken Monopoly? And what will become of those pictures that supposed journalist took of Kazuya and Lee’s backsides? Wait and see in TEKKEN COMMITTEE: The New Tekken Mini-Game!
Oh yeah, in case you’re wondering, here’s a listing of all the awards won by the Tekken Committee:
KAZUYA MISHIMA: "Best Costume", "Best Use of Cosplay", "Best Cameo Appearance"
JUN KAZAMA: "Best Use of Nature in a Film"
LEE CHAOLAN: "Best Way of Destroying an SUV."
NINA WILLIAMS: "Best Action Star"
HWOARANG: "Best Soundtrack"
JIN KAZAMA: "Best Use of the Word ‘Whatever’" (even though he wasn’t in a movie…I guess the lady judges chose him anyway)
JULIA CHANG and LING XIAOYU: "Best Special Effects"
YOSHIMITSU: "Best Camera Work"
KING: "Best Picture", "Best Actor"
MICHELLE CHANG: "Best Actress"
KAT-ZUMI: "Best Cat in a Film", "Best Purr"
LEI WULONG: "Best Use of Many Stances"
BRYAN FURY: "Best Stuntsman"
PAUL PHOENIX: "Best Vehicle Stuntsman"
FORREST LAW: "Best Scream"
GANRYU: "Best Attempt to Make Everyone Feel Sorry For Him"
ANNA WILLIAMS: "Best Make-Up"
