The Mtv (2)
Tekken Awards
Note From Author:
Nice multicolour title innit? Anyway, I actually writ this story on a
typewriter some time ago but I couldn't use that one because it would've broken
some legal rights (it didn't have trademarks). Anyway, this is a fresh version
of it but, sadly, it's gonna be in play format (like the last story but not
totally exactly like the first story) but others are gonna be on in different
formats (look out for 'Dimension Jerker'), also, some parts may be an incey
wincey bit offensive if you’re a big Kurt Cobain fan. I, myself, am also a fan
of Nirvana and Kurt so it wasn't intentional, and that I'm sorry for it. Also,
if there are characters that you don't recognise from Tekken then I've out the
names of which game there in if they're in a different game, anyone without this
is in Tekken.
Till next time my little Tekkenaholics.
Some voice from a person who hasn't got
much to do with awards ceremonies but always introduced it anyway:
Live!
From…er…(what does that say? …Oh)… 'Llangaurymoviesgottaloveemmate', in
Wales
(everyone stares at Tekkenicus)
Me: Why
are y'all looking at me?
Introduction Guy: Anyway, here's your hosts, erm…
Kazuya: Who
the Hell is Erm?!
Introduction Guy: Damn it! Shut the (beep) up!
Kazuya: Don't
you tell me to shut up, you (beep)head!
Me:
Just get on with the bloody show!
Introduction Guy: Fine! Fine! Here are your hosts, Tekkenicus and (for some
godforsaken reason) 'Kazzya Mis-shim-a'
Kazuya: GRRRRRRRRRRR!
Me: Calm
down man, just hold your nose, take big gulps and think of Des Lynam
Kazuya:
That's for if my ears were popping
Me: Oh
Everyone: Get on with it!
Me: Fine,
fine, anyway, welcome to the show. I am Tekkenicus, master of the universe…no,
wait, that was He-Man (drum beat)
(Stony silence, tumbleweed rolls by)
Me: Anyway,
let's get this thing off the ground and up in the-
Paul:
Arse!
(everyone laughs)
Me:
(presses button and Paul is suddenly ejected from his seat into a cage of
stinging nettles) Mwahahahahahahaa
Kazuya:
Nettles? Hardly evil y'know
Me: Ah
well, who cares? Let's get this thing started. Lets see what the first award is
(Screen on the far left from the two, that looks a lot like
the WWF Smackdown Screen, flashes and shows a little video)
Video:
Some Guy (played by Guy): I didn't usually think myself as a pretty good lightweight
fighter, I usually thought myself as just a goddamn good lightweight fighter.
Hehehehe…well, it's true!
(video ends and letters appear on screen saying
'Best Fighter-Lightweight Division)
Jin (from crowd): Hey! Guy isn't lightweight is he?
Me: I
dunno, I just needed a video!
Kazuya:
So just shut the hell up!
Jun:
(glares at Kazuya)
Kazuya:
err…sorry Jin
Jun: Better
J
Jin: (rolls
eyes)
Hwoarang:
Hey, Jin! Did your parents ever actually marry?
Jin:
I dunno, never asked them
Hwoarang:
Oh…
Xiaoyu:
JIN'S PARENTS AREN'T MARRIED?!
Hwoarang:
YAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHH!!! (shoots off 16ft in the air then drops back down in his
seat)
Jin:
Thanks for spreading the message!
Me:
And the nominees for the Lightweight Division awards are…
(screen flashes again and a quarter screen shows up)
Me:
Jun Kazama (first quarter shows a picture of Jun)
Lei: Hey,
that shows up your good side!
Kazuya:
(presses button and Lei goes flying into the same nettles cage)
Me (to Kazuya): Was that necessary?
Kazuya: Who
cares?
Me: Er,
right, anyway, the next nominee is…Michelle Chang (next quarter gets a picture
of Michelle)
Michelle:
Yey! I'm recognised for once!
Ganryu:
For once? ;)
Michelle:
Don't get any ideas >: (
Ganryu:
L
Me: The
next nominee is…Julia Chang (next quarter screen gets a picture of Julia)
Ganryu:
I'm in Heaven!
Michelle+Julia: Not for long! (both start beating up Ganryu, but he probably
enjoys it, hehe)
Me:
And the final nominee is…Wang Jinrey (last quarter screen gets a pic of Wang)
Julia:
Why God?! WHY?!
Heihachi:
Hey, fartbag! You're nominated!
Wang:
Damn you old prostate-dead fool!
Kazuya:
Shut up the pair of you!
Me:
Errr, yeah, anyway, the winner is…
(drum roll while Tekkenicus opens envelope)
Me:
…Jun Kazama!
(everyone cheers so they don't get thrown into nettles cage)
Some voice only those watching on TV
will hear: The judges thought her style was perfect
as other numerous characters, unlike Michelle, Julia and Wang's style, didn't
use it…
Michelle+Julia+Wang: OI!
S.V.O.T.W.O.TV.W.H: …plus, if they didn't vote for Jun then they'd get put on a boat
with only a raisin and a George Formby CD
Me:
Ouch man! George Formby? How could you be so cruel?
Kazuya:
Desperate times call for desperate measures
Me: Er,
ok, fine, whatever, k, sure, cool, wibble, ok
Kazuya:
Did you just say wibble?
Me: Er,
no
Kazuya: Er,
k
Jun:
I'd like to thank everyone who supported me for this award, especially my
family, thank you
(everyone cheers again)
Me:
We're gonna have a commercial break here but coming up, on the MTV (2) Tekken
Awards…
Introduction Guy: The awards for speediest fighter, most improved fighter, best
fighter-Middleweight, and performances by the Foo Fighters, our very own
Mon-Day-
Jin:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
Hwoarang:
You suck man!
Jin:
Whaaat?
Introduction Guy: -Dave Heath and a special performance by a mystery performer
Bryan:
Dave Heath? I'm his biggest fan
Lei:
Er, do you actually know who Dave Heath is?
Bryan:
No, but if he's better than Mon-Day and their ugly lead singer then I'm gonna be
his biggest fan!
Hwoarang:
Oi! I'm not ugly
Xiaoyu:
Oh yes you are (giggles)
Hwoarang:
(looks hurt)
Paul (having gotten out of nettle cage):
awwwww, poor ickle Hwoar-er-Hwoa-oh, forget it!
Forest:
Poor ickle Bob?
Paul:
That's it!
Hwoarang:
That's not my (beep)ing name you mother(beep)er!
Jun:
Hey! No swearing! There are children reading this!
Hwoarang:
Who gives Ganryu's big gigantic Jupiter-sized ass!
Ganryu:
My ass is not that big! (whimpers)
Cameraman:
and…we're clear!
Me:
Good, now, can someone get me my (beep)ing Coke?
Kazuya:
'children reading this?' WTF?
Jun:
I know you're sweet Kazzy but you shouldn't swear either!
Kazuya:
Sorry
Jun:
It's ok J
Kazuya:
J
Paul:
Oh, Gimme a break!
King:
(bursting through the door) #three lions on me shirt!#
Everyone:
WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!
Armor King: The
Swansea! (smacks open palm with fist) The Swansea!
(Someone
plays 'Love Cats' by the Cure)
King:
very funny!
Someone:
mwahahahaha
Armor
King:
#into the sea, you and me, blah do de do dah dah#
Heihachi:
I want a line here!
Yoshimitsu:
Me too
Kunimitsu:
Me three
Bruce:
Me four
Me:
(sighs)
Nina:
You're sighing? Either something got you down or you're doing something under
the desk!
Me:
>:o(
Nina:
ooh, sorry!
Anna:
Don't worry Tek, she always says stuff like that cos she's a dirty trollop!
Nina:
Do I have to make your cheek come in contact with my fist?
Anna:
I'd like to see you try, ho!
(Nina
slaps Anna then they start beating the hell out of each other)
Cameraman:
We're
coming back on in 1 minute
Me:
We're
coming back? Oh bloody hell!
Paul:
Place your bets here! Who's gonna win? Take your pick!
Forest:
I bet a fiver on the blonde one!
Wang:
I bet a tenner on the brunette!
Me
(talking to an unknown source): Do I have to stop them or do you?
Source:
Fine, I'll stop them! (blasts a big burst of fire at Nina and Anna)
Nina+Anna:
YAAAAGGGGGHH!!!
Me:
That
stopped them, thanks Toshin
Toshin:
You're welcome
Jin:
TOOOOSSSSSHHHIIIIINNNNN!!!! YOU (beep)STARD!
Toshin:
Wha-what did I do?
Jin:
YOU KILLED MY MOMMY!
Me:
Er, she's sitting next to you Jin
Jun:
(waves)
Jin:
oh (turns red with embarrassment and sits down)
Cameraman:
And we're back in 5…
Yoshimitsu:
#and if a double decker bus…#
Cameraman:
4…
Kunimitsu:
#…crashes into us…#
Cameraman:
3…
Yoshimitsu+Kunimitsu:
#…to die by your side, is such a heavenly way to die…#
Cameraman:
2…
Everyone:
#…and if a 10-ton truck, kills the both of us…#
Cameraman:
1…
Everyone
(including Tekkenicus and, weirdly enough, Kazuya):
#…to die by your side, is such a heavenly way to die!#
Cameraman:
And we're rolling!
(everyone
stops singing)
Me:
Welcome back, first things first, here's what we've got coming up…
Lee
(backstage, reading list):
…erm, we've got the award for most speediest fighter, then a performance by
the Foo Fighters-
Everyone:
Yeeeeeeeyyyyy!!!!
Lee:
-then
we've got the award for best fighter-middleweight, then a performance by Mon-Day
Everyone:
Booooooo!!!!
Hwoarang:
*sobs
Lee:
then, if I'm lucky-
Kazuya:
Hey! No ad-libbing dirtbag!
Eddy:
#cos I'm just a teenage dirtbag baby#
Everyone:
?
Lee:
Ok, ok, then we've got a commercial break (throws away cards and walks off)
Kazuya:
(sighs) Jeez!
Me:
So, anyway, let's get on with the show!
Everyone:
er…Yey?
Me:
Let's check out the next award
(screen
flashes and another video shows)
Video:
Kasumi
(from Tecmo's Dead Or Alive games if you’re a hermit):
Speed is what usually helps me fight
Ayane
(also from the DOA games):
and me!
Kasumi:
And Ayane here, that's why we're always played on our games, cos of speed
Ayane:
Er, Kasumi? No it isn't
Kasumi:
What do
you mean?
Ayane:
Well.…ummm, I think its cos of the-
(videos
ends and letters appear on the screen saying…'Elvis is alive and living in Des
Moines, Hello Chocolate Pudding'?)
Eddy:
Elvis is alive?
Mokujin:
Elvis is living in Des Moines?
Bruce:
Mokujin can speak?
Bryan:
I'm confused as well?
Lei:
Me too?
Dragon
(mystery character from Tekken 1, well, from what I heard anyway): Hello
Chocolate Pudding?
Kazuya:
Dammit! (shouting to his right) get it fixed you assholes!
Jun:
Kazuya!
Kazuya:
Sorry, sorry, I'll try not to do it again
Jun:
Better hope so
(screen
letters change to say 'speediest fighter', then shows up a quarter screen)
Me:
And the nominees are…Forest Law, the winner of it for the past 2 years
(quarter screen gets a picture of Forest with his past trophies of this award)
Forest:
The obvious choice! (looks smug while everyone groans with grief)
Me:
Lee Chaolan (next quarter screen gets a picture of Lee)
Lee:
I'm not gonna win L
Jun:
awww, don't speak that way Lee, we're all rooting for you, aren't we Kaz?
Kazuya:
(why?
Why?) why, yes, we sure are Lee, hope you win!
Lee:
Thanks
Kazuya:
(muttering) I feel so dirty now
Me:
Ling Xiaoyu (next quarter screen gets a picture of Ling)
Xiaoyu:
I'M NOMMMINNNNAATEDDD!!!
Hwoarang:
AAAAAGGGGHHHH!!!!! MY EAR DRUMS HAVE BURST!!!!!
Jin:
Get a grip!
Me:
And finally, and weirdly enough, Bruce Irvin (final quarter screen gets a
picture of Bruce)
Bruce:
Well, I AM quite the speedy (beep)stard
Jun:
ggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Kazuya:
Bruce?
Bruce:
Yes?
(A
ridiculously gigantic metal bar smashes Bruce)
Kazuya:
Jun, why did you that?
Jun:
If people keep swearing then I'm gonna kick all their butts!
Bruce:
(whimpering) my nose L
Bryan:
Shut up ya cry baby!
Bruce:
You can talk! You can't feel pain cos you’re a freakin' dead guy!
Bryan:
Maybe, but I'm more of a man then you!
Bruce:
Why you!
Lei:
Hey, hey!
GunJack+Jack
2+P.Jack:
#we're the Monkees, people say we monkey around#
Xiaoyu:
Monkees?
Hwoarang:
Some old 60's group, nothing you'd know about >;(
Xiaoyu:
(pouts)
Kazuya:
Fine, Fine! Everyone! No swearing or you'll all die!
(someone
plays a macabre tune on an organ)
Kazuya:
That's not funny!
Someone:
Well, sorry! >:(
Me:
errrrrr, yes, anyway, the winner's Lee Chaolan (throws award to Lee), now let's
go with our first performance, it's the Foo Fighters!
(everyone
cheers as the Foo Fighters come out on stage)
Heihachi:
Hey! No poofters!
Wang:
He didn't mean it like that you homophobic nincompoop!
Heihachi:
Don't you call me a nincompoop! You nincompoop!
Wang:
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Heihachi:
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Lee:
I…I won!
Forest:
I can't believe it! My reign, ruined! (cries)
Paul:
There there (comforts Forest)
Dave
Grohl (vocals of F.F and former drummer of Nirvana): These
guys are nuts!
Kazuya:
This guy are sick!
Me:
(sighs
and rubs his temples)
Nate
Mendel (F.F Bassist): Ah
well, let's play a tune anyway!
Taylor
Hawkins (F.F Drummer): Anyone
noticed that I look a lot like Kurt Cobain?
Chris
Siftlet (F.F Lead guitar):
Erm…
Paul:
WE WANT KID ROCK!
Taylor
Hawkins:
Shut up man!
Paul:
You want some? Come get some!
Taylor:
Well, if you don't like me, bite me!
Rick
Steiner (WCW wrestler and United States Champion):
Don't steal my catchphrases!
Hwoarang:
WE WANNA NIRVANA REUNION!
Dave
Grohl:
That's a bit hard to do y'know
Julia
(making a late entry after being quite dormant):
WE WANT A SONG!
Jin:
JULIA!
Julia:
JIN! (Jin and Julia start making out)
Kazuya:
Oh Christ…
(Foo
Fighters start to perform, starting with 'Monkey Wrench')
Everyone:
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
GunJack:
#don't wanna be your monkey wrench!#
Paul:
I don't care what anyone sez, I'm gonna kill their little drummer boy!
(Taylor
gives Paul a one-fingered salute in between drumbeats)
Paul:
Grrrrrrrr
Jin:
I would've preferred 'These Wooden Ideals' by Idlewild
Hwoarang:
Idlewild? Where the hell d'ya come from?
Jin:
Erm, well, when a mommy and a daddy-
Hwoarang:
(moans in anguish)
Jin:
Whaaaat?
Kazuya:
#I try to save myself but myself keeps slipping away#
Me:
#Hey! Wait! I got a new complaint! Forever in debt to your priceless advice#
King+Armor
King: #Weee
drink-a-drink-a-drink to Lily the-pink-the-pink-the-pink, bla la la le-la le
la-la la, for she invented, the mineral compound, bla de da da, do da day!#
Nina:
Oh no, they're drunk again!
Anna:
Either that or you must've felt lucky when going under the seats!
Nina:
Don't bother, Toshin'll just burn us again!
Anna:
hmph! >;(
Toshin:
She's right y'know >:)
Anna:
(beep) you!
Jun:
What was THAT?
Me:
Oh no
Anna:
What?
Jun:
I made myself perfectly clear when I said no swearing, then you go and swear!
Anna:
Well what are you gonna do about it?
Jun:
This! (whacks Anna with metal pipe) now be quiet!
Anna:
(sniffling) yes miss
Me:
Man! Does she usually get this violent?
Kazuya:
You should see her when you don't put a coin in a charity box!
Jun:
What?! >:(
Kazuya:
Wha-no, I didn't mean that, I mean-
Jun:
Save
it! I don't wanna know!
Kazuya:
B-but-
Jun:
Save it!
Kazuya:
…
(Foo
Fighters finish their performance and leave the stage)
Paul:
(gives
Taylor the evil eye)
Taylor:
(gives Paul a one-fingered salute)
Me:
Er, a wonderful performance from the Foo Fighters, wouldn't you say?
Kazuya:
I guess
Me:
But sadly, we're gonna have to have a commercial break, here's what's coming up
after it
Introduction
Guy (now Commercial Guy):
Coming up, we've got the award for most improved fighter and best
fighter-Middleweight, and also, the award for most breakthrough fighting arts
master, best newcomer award and the best fighter-heavyweight award. Not
forgetting the award for all-round best fighter and performances by Mon-day-
Everyone:
BOOOOOO!!!
Hwoarang:
HEY! SHUT UP!
Commercial
Guy:
-Dave Heath and a mystery performer.
Me:
See y'all after the break!
Cameraman:
And…we're clear, again
Me:
(sighs with relief) now, someone get me my frigging Coke!
(some
walks in and places a tray of white powder in front of Tekkenicus)
Me:
That isn't funny man!
Hwoarang:
Well, if you don't want it then I do! (takes tray away, and some of the white
powder goes flying…up Xiaoyu's nose!)
Xiaoyu:
Ergh!
Jin:
Oh God! It's up her nose! She's gonna go crazy if she sniffs it up!
Kazuya:
And how d'ya know that boy? Hehehe >;)
Jun:
Kaz! (gives him a cold glare)
Kazuya:
Oh, er, sorry again Jin
Jin:
Whatever
Xiaoyu:
I can't…keep from sniffing…much longer!
Hwoarang:
What? NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Hwoarang+Kazuya+Me:
(still in slow motion) OOOOOOOOHHH GGGOOOODDDD NNNNOOOOO!
Xiaoyu:
(out of slow motion) Weeeeee! Whooaaaaaa! Waaaaaa!
Me:
Someone! This is all your fault!
Someone:
hey, you requested some Coke!
Me:
The drink man! The drink!
Someone:
Oh…oh bugger!
Me:
Wonderful, that's just perfect! >:(
Xiaoyu:
hehehehehehehehehewaaaarghgegegegegegege
Kazuya:
How much friggin' cocaine did she snort up there?
Hwoarang:
No idea, maybe by the looks of it just 2 bits under the lethal dose
(Everyone
stares at Hwoarang)
Hwoarang:
Like you haven't tried it!
Jun:
Well, my Jin would never have taken this substance, would you Jin?
Jin:
Er…(sweatdrop appears, looks nervous)...yes
Jun:
See?
Kazuya: (sighs with anguish)
Xiaoyu:
milwaukeemilwaukeemilwaukee
Cameraman:
We're
coming back in 1 minute!
Me:
Oh God! Ohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgood!
Kazuya:
SNAP OUT OF IT! (Slaps Tekkenicus across the face numerous times)
Me:
Whew! Hey, thanks ma-ugh!
Kazuya:
(still slapping Tekkenicus)
Hwoarang:
er, I'll take Xiaoyu outta here for a bit
Jin:
Good thing
Xiaoyu:
Gblah?
(Hwoarang
escorts Xiaoyu out of the 'Llangaurymoviesgottaloveemmate' arena)
Cameraman:
And we're back in 5…
King:
#whatever I said…#
Cameraman:
4…
Armor
King:
#whatever I did…#
Cameraman:
3…
King+Armor
King:
#I didn't mean it…#
Cameraman:
#I just wan-# er, I mean 2…
Everyone:
#I just want you back for good#
Cameraman:
1…
Everyone
(including Me, Kazuya and for some reason, Heihachi and Toshin):
#want you back, want you baaaaa-ack, I just want you back for good#
Cameraman:
And we're rolling…
Paul:
#rollin' rollin' rollin', keep rollin' rollin' rollin' rollin'#
Kazuya:
Shut the hell up Phoenix!
Paul:
You want some? Come get some! You don't like me? Bite me!
Rick
Steiner:
I said no stealing my catchphrases!
Mr
T:
I pity the foo' who steals Rick Steiner's catchphrases
Kazuya:
Hey (whispering to Tekkenicus) why were we singing a Take That tune?
Me:
(whispering back) who cares?
Kazuya:
(shrugs)
Me:
Anyway, welcome back to the show, let's see what we've got coming up
Lee:
Here's your speediest fighter champion-
Kazuya+Forest
(the bad loser):
Get on with it!
Lee:
Fine, Fine! Anyway, we've got the awards for best fighter-Middleweight,
breakthrough martial arts master, best newcomer, best fighter-heavyweight and
all-around best fighter, with performances by Mon-Day-
Everyone:
Boooooo!
Hwoarang
(from outside):
That's getting tired now!
Xiaoyu
(with Hwoarang):
Gwah?
Hwoarang:
Nothing, let's move (moves away from door)
Lee:
-Dave Heath and a mystery performer.
Me:
Thanks Lee
Lee:
Y'welcome
Kazuya:
(muttering)
grey-haired gayass!
Lee:
What was that?
Kazuya:
Oh, nothing, nothing at all >:(
Lee:
K
Me:
Anyway, let's get on with the show, here's our next award
(screen
flashes and another video starts)
Bryan:
Not another video
Kunimitsu:
Can I have a line?
Video:
Cloud
(from FFVI):
I think I'm middleweight, I have fought in a beat-em-up before!
Tifa(also
from FFVI):
Yeah, in that crappy Ehrgeiz game!
Barret
(another FFVII character):
Yeah, good thing I weren't in it!
Squall
(from FFVIII):
Why am I here? I'm not even in Final Fantasy 7!
Cloud:
You were in the sequel
Squall:
Oh
Mr
T: I
pity the foo' who looks like me!
Barret:
Oh, shut up!
(video
ends and the letters appear, spelling out…'It's all about the Game, and how
you play it?)
Kazuya:
DAMMIT!
Jun:
KAZUYA!
Jin:
DAD!
Yoshimitsu:
KUNIMITSU!
Kunimitsu:
YOSHIMITSU!
Juliet:
ROMEO!
Romeo:
JULIET!
Rick
Steiner:
MR T!
Mr
T: RICK
STEINER! THE DOG-FACED GREMLIN!
Rick
Steiner:
I pity the foo' who calls out my nickname in public!
Mr
T: I
pity the foo' who uses my catchphrase
Rick
Steiner:
You want some? Come get some! If you don't like me, bite me!
Everyone:
YEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!
(screens
letters change to say 'best fighter-middleweight)
Kazuya:
Much better
Me:
(sighs)
Jun:
>;(
Jin:
(sarcastically) I wonder who the nominees for best fighter-middleweight is!
Me:
(in patronising) well let's have a look then
(screens
show a…6-screen?)
Me:
There are 6 nominees for this award since everyone is nearly middleweight
Jin:
Oh woop-de-smegging-do
Jack
2:
#it's cold outside, no kind of atmosphere#
Everyone:
#I'm
all alone, more or less#
Jack
2: #let
me fly, far away from here#
Everyone:
#Fun, fun, fun, in the sun, sun, sun#
Jack
2: #I
want to lie-(gets shot and a high-pitched scream is heard)
Jin:
Are you Ok Julia?
Julia:
Yeah, but I didn't scream
Jin:
Oh
Ganryu:
I'll-
Michelle:
Don't bother Ganny-boy, I didn't scream either
Ganryu:
Drat! >:(
Nina+Anna:
We didn't scream like that either.
Nina+Anna:
Jinx!
Kazuya:
Then who the hel-er, heck did then?
Jun:
Weren't me, but thanks for not swearing J
Kazuya:
J
Lei:
Woops, my gun went off
Jane
(girl that hangs round with the Jacks):
OH MY GOD! THEY KILLED JACK 2!
Everyone:
YOU BASTARDS!
Jun:
YAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!
Jane:
(screams)
Me:
Hey, now we know who screamed, let's look at the nominees, first is…Jin Kazama!
(picture of Jin shows up on first screen bit)
Jin:
(unenthusiastically) Yey!
Me:
Next up is…Paul Phoenix!
(single
party hooter-type-thing sound)
Paul:
Thanks!
Me:
Next up is…Lee Chaolan
Lee:
Another award nomination, I could win again!
Forest:
(puts a giant cork in Lee's mouth)
Kazuya:
Hey, thanks Law
Forest:
You're welcome, but I prefer to be called by my first name
Kazuya:
What's that?
Forest:
Forest
Kazuya:
Oh…er, thanks Law
Forest:
>:( (sits back down)
Me:
Next up is…Nina Williams? Isn't she lightweight?
Anna:
If she didn't have her implants, then she would be >:)
Nina:
Knowing how much silicone you've got, you're probably heavyweight!
Anna:
(slaps Nina)
Nina:
Why you! (another catfight starts)
Toshin:
(in
deep booming God-Almighty type voice) SHUT THE
*^&% UP
(the
two keep fighting)
Toshin: I tried L
Kazuya: Do I have to?
Toshin: If it's for the shows own good Kaz, then yes
Kazuya: Fine, fine! And DON'T call me Kaz!
Toshin: (sarcastically) Aye-aye Captain!
(Kazuya
glares at Toshin briefly, then looks away and convulses)
Lei: Uh-oh, someone better call an ambulance, I think he's having a
heart attack
Toshin: You won't need to, I know what's happening
Jin: Mom, why's Dad doing that?
Jun: You'll soon find out now Jin
(Kazuya
slowly takes on a shade of purple, then transmogrifies <nice word innit?>
into Devil Kazuya, shredding his fabled purple suit in the process)
Devil Kazuya: IF YOU TWO DON'T STOP FIGHTING THEN I'M GONNA TAKE MY BOOT, TURN
IT SIDEWAYS, AND STICK IT STRAIGHT UP YOUR BITCHY ASSES!
Me: (sarcastically) No,
he's definitely not a rip-off of The Rock!
Nina+Anna: We'll be good!
Devil Kazuya: GOOD! (reverts back to normal Kazuya)
Kazuya: Oh Great! My purple suit! It's ruined!
Me: Well, look on the bright side Kaz-
Kazuya: (glares)
Me: -uya, least you have more backstage-
(sounds
of running feet)
Me: Kazuya? Hey, where did you go? Ah well
Jin: Dad also has the devil spirit?
Jun: Of course, I thought I told you 4 years ago
Jin: And he passed it onto me, what a great birthday present! (light
gets dark around Jin)
Jun: Now Jin, calm down-
Jin: Calm down?! CALM DOWN?! He f*&^ing gave me a devil side!
Jun: NO SWEARING! I keep telling everyone, and you shouldn't take from
the others example either Jin!
Jin: (calming down) sorry mom
Jun: It's ok Jin
Me: Anyway, the next nominee is Lei Wulong
Lei: (sits with crossed fingers, closed eyes and crossed legs,
muttering 'pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease)
Bryan: I'm guessing you want the award that bad huh?
Lei: No, I'm hoping for another commercial break, I'm dying for the
toilet!
Bryan: I…see (moves two seats away from Lei)
Me: And the final nominee is…
(excited
silence)
Me: …Baek Do San.
Hwoarang: (head through door) er, he's not here
Xiaoyu: I suck :'(
Me: She in the depression stage now?
Hwoarang: Yep
Xiaoyu: Nobody likes me :'( (cries)
Hwoarang: I like you Xiaoyu
Xiaoyu: (sniff) really?
(Hwoarang
closes door and the rest of that conversation drifts away from the arena)
Me: Er, yes, anyway, since Baek isn't here, the last nominee will be a
joint nomination of Hwoarang and Ling Xiaoyu
Jin: But Ling's a lightweight fighter
Me: Yeah, but she makes up the weight that prevented Hwoarang from
being a solidified middleweight nominee
Jin: Oh
Me: And the winner is…
Jin: (looking calm)
Paul: (looking at the clock, with sweat drops appearing on his forehead)
Lee: (trying to pull the cork from his mouth)
Nina: (shaking in her chair, as well as Anna next to her)
Lei: (looking desperately at the 'Toilet's' sign
Hwoarang+Xiaoyu: (just outside the arena)
Me: (sounds of an inhale)
Kazuya: (comes back in his devil shirt with the steel-capped metal shoes)
(all
the girls in the room excluding those from T1-T2 because they've seen it scream
wildly)
Me: -but I'll wait till after the show to give the award
Jin+Paul+Nina+Lei+Kazuya:
Damn groupies
Jin: Damn my good looks
Paul: Yeah, if you had any
Kazuya: And what makes you think they're for you Vanilla Ice?
Paul: That's not funny!
Lei: CAN I GO TO THE DAMN TOILET?!
Me: YES!
Lei: YEY! (runs off to the toilets)
Me: Now for our performance, it's Mon-Day!
Everyone: BOOOOOO-
Mon-Day's Drummer (known as Snotrag):
Hey, where's Hwoarang?
Mon-Day bassist (known as Haemorrhoid):
I dunno, he should be here
Mon-Day Lead Guitarist (known as Guitar Bloke):
Yeah
Snotrag: Hey, we can't play without our vocals Tek-dude
Me: Damn! Ah well, for tonight, I'll assign you a singer, and it's
gonna be…
(everyone
watches in silence)
Me: …Jin Kazama
Jin: WHAT?!
Haemorrhoid: Ok then
Jin: Damn (walks up on stage and picks up mike)
Heihachi (with bleached hair spikes?):
POOOOOFFFFTTTTTEEERRRR!
Jin: The microphone dammit!
Heihachi: Oh
Wang: He got you there, you farty old Eminem-loving homophobe!
Heihachi: Oh, shove off penis-euphemism man!
Wang: Whhhyyyyyy yyyyouuuu!
Jin: (reads some of the lyrics) these lyrics are cool, did Hwoarang
write this
Guitar Bloke: Yeah, he sat there, with his pen at his desk, writing stuff from
his heart and soul (laughs)
(other
band members laugh like hell)
Jin: (looks confused)
Guitar Bloke: Oh, you were serious. Well, actually, he didn't, he just copied
them from a document over the net
Jin: Oh, ok
Kazuya: (mumbling) do well son
Me: What was that?
Kazuya: Nothing
Me: Er, ok
Jin: Hey, were ready now
(everyone
wakes up)
Bryan: Man, this better be good, I could be at home watching 'Home &
Away' by now!
Bruce: 'Home & Away'? WTF?
Jun: I SAID NO SWEARING! (smashes Bruce with metal pipe from earlier)
Bruce: Ow, my nose!
Bryan: Yes, it's true, I watch 'Home & Away'! I hope your happy now!
(cries)
Lei: (comes out from the toilets) Whew man! You do NOT wanna go in
there!
Bruce: (holding his nose) Why? Did you have a really bad crap?
Lei: No, I accidentally went into the Ladies toilets AND had a really
bad crap!
All the Ladies: (mutters of 'oh crap', 'dammit' and growls
of anger)
Lei: (in flirting type voice) Hey, sorry bout that ladies
Ladies: That's ok
Lei: (sighs with relief)
Lady 1: We'll just use the guy's toilets
Guys: (mutters of 'nice one!' 'Phwoar' and catcalls)
Lady 2: P'rhaps not
Me: SHUT UP THE LOT OF YA!
(Everyone
shuts up)
Me: And now, Jin, with Mon-Day, will perform 'Something In The Way',
originally by Nirvana
Everyone: er, yey?
(Band
start up, playing the intro to 'Something in the Way')
Jin: (#underneath the bridge, the tarp has sprung a leak, and the
animals I trap have all become my pets. And I'm living off the grass and the
drippings from the ceiling, but it's ok to eat fish, cos fish don't have any
feelings#
Jin+Mon-Day: #Something in the Way, ooooohhhh, something in the way yeah,
oooooohhh#
Bryan: Er, do we like this tune?
Lei: I prefer 'Scentless Apprentice'
Bruce: I prefer a different group
Julia: I prefer this tune, as it talks of when Nirvana's lead singer,
Kurt Cobain, quit school weeks before graduating and then was kicked out of his
house by his mother. Afterwards, he lived in the attic of a shop owned by
bassist, Krist Novoselic, parents and sometimes in the attic of his house when
his mother felt a bit guilty but in between those times, he lived underneath a
bridge overlooking the Wiskah River in Aberdeen, Washington State, USA
(Lei,
Bryan and Bruce stare at Julia)
Julia: What? I can't look up stuff?
Hwoarang: (walking in, with quite ruffled clothing) hey I'm ready to-what the
hell?
Xiaoyu: (walking with Hwoarang, looking just as ruffled): what's the matter?
Jin:
Hwoarang, I-
Hwoarang: YOU SON-OF-A-
Jun:
-DON'T YOU START!
Hwoarang: Yes ma'am
(Mon-Day snicker)
Hwoarang: I'm gonna beat down your big sad-ass! (jumps up on stage)
Jin:
Oh Hwoarang, calm down, I was-
Hwoarang: I was talking to the other guys
Snotrag+Haemmorhoid+Guitar
Bloke: What the *&^% did we do?
(someone blasts the group with a giant laser)
Jin:
Dad?
Kazuya: Yes?
Jin:
Oh, sorry, thought you turned Devil then
Kazuya: >:(
Angel:
I did it!
(Everyone gasps)
Jin:
But-but, you're an angel
Julia:
JIN! >:(
Jin:
Not in that way Jules
Julia:
Oh, ok, and Jin?
Jin:
Yes?
Julia:
Don't call me Jules, ok?
Jin:
Ok
Me:
Well, because of that crap-
Jun:
grrrrrrrrrr
Me:
Ok, ok, let me rephrase that-
Kazuya: Oh hell! Just gimme the words! Because of that, we'll just throw out
the next prize to the winner already
Me:
Ok, the winner of the breakthrough martial arts master goes to…Heihachi
Mishima
Kazuya: WHAT?
Heihachi: mwahahahaha, yes boy! I have an award, and you can't stop me from
losing my virginity!
Kazuya: What?
Heihachi: Er, I mean, you can't stop me from winning the Heavyweight award!
mwahahahahahahahahahaha
Kazuya: Oh yes I can, I'm nominated for it!
(Everyone gasps)
Me:
Aren't you middleweight?
Kazuya: No, weirdly, because of my powerful attacks, I'm considered a
heavyweight fighter
Everyone: Oh
Kazuya: (mumbling to self) yes! They bought it!
Paul:
What about me? I'm Tekken's most powerful fighter since the last awards and I
was nominated for middle-f'in-weight!
Jun:
In a way, that was swearing but I'll let it slide
Jin:
And I have a mixture of your moves and my mom's!
Kazuya: Well, you were voted in middleweight cos….er…umm, oh forget it! You
two both suck!
Jin:
Oh, well, least I have a reversal! (sulks)
Paul:
>:(
Kazuya: Mwahahahahahahaa >:)
Me:
Oh no, here we go with the laughing!
Kazuya: Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha (continues this for about half an
hour)
Me:
Let's move onto a commercial break
Commercial
Guy: Coming up-
Me:
Don't bother! Just move onto the commercial break!
Commercial
Guy: But-
Me:
No buts!
Nobuts
Yes?
Me:
Who are you?
Nobuts: I'm Nobuts
Me:
Oh, ok, well, bugger off then!
Kazuya: Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Nobuts: hmph! (buggers-er, I mean walks off)
Cameraman: And, we're clear!
P.Jack: #Take me down to the paradise city#
GunJack: #where the girls are fat and they got big-
Jun:
The clean version please!
GunJack: Ok, #where the grass is green and the girls are all pretty#
Kazuya: mwahahahaha-hey, shut up back there!
Angel:
I'll stop them (blasts a laser at P.Jack)
Kazuya: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
(P.Jack gets hit by laser, malfunctions and then
smashes Angel multiple times with his Windmill punches)
Angel:
Owchee!
P.Jack: Oh no, I'm gonna-(falls to bits)-breakdown (switches off)
Jane:
OH MY GOD! THEY KILLED P.JACK!
Everyone: YOU BASTARDS!
Paul:
(with a banjo) #I'm going down to South Park, gonna have myself a time#
Jin+Hwoarang: #friendly faces everywhere, humble folks without temptation#
Paul:
#Gonna go down to South Park, gonna see if I can unwind#
Ganryu: #smiley faces everywhere, people shouting 'Howdy neighbour!'#
Paul:
#Gonna go down to South gonna see if I can unwind#
Lee:
(with cork placed back in his mouth) hm hm hm-hm-hm, hm hm hm-hm-hm
Paul:
#I'm gonna go down to South Park to meet some friends of mine#
Ganryu: (farts on cue) oops! Pardonnez moi un cup of coffee
Forest: Agh! I'm choking!
GunJack: malfunction! Malfunction! Malfunct-(melts into a metallic puddle)
Jane:
OH MY GOD! THEY KILLED GUNJACK!
Kazuya: (with gas mask) shut the hell up! Get Ganryu outta here!
Ganryu: Screw you hippy! I'm going home! (leaves)
(air is sprayed with 67 barrels of air freshener)
Jin:
Do we need-(cough)-this much-(cough)-air-(cough)-freshener?
Kazuya: I'm not taking chances! I'm also gonna get everyone tested for
radiation as well!
Jin:
Oh-(cough)-my-(cough)-God!
Me:
Anyway, Paul, you did a bad job on those South Park lyrics
Paul:
Dammit! I have to be good at something!
Jun
(literally glowing with anger)
Kazuya: Oh no (ducks underneath table)
Me:
Hey, where you go-oh no! (ducks underneath table with Kazuya)
Kazuya: Hey, budge over!
Me:
No, you budge over!
Kazuya: Ok, we'll both budge over
Me:
Fine, on 3. 1-2-3 (budges)
Kazuya: mwahahaha! Fool! I just made you budge over!
Me:
Oh sh*t!
(sound of a violent explosion)
Me:
What the hell was that?
Kazuya: I dunno (peeks over table and spots everything in a mess)
Me:
Is everyone alright?
Everyone: Yep
Kazuya: Now, who the *&^&ing hell did this?
Jun: A-HEM!
Kazuya: Damn, er-I mean, sorry about that
Jun:
Y'know, I may be innocent but I do get angry!
Jin:
Mom, you get angry?
Jun:
Yeah, sometimes
Jin:
Why didn't you tell me? This is more upsetting when you told me that Father
Christmas wasn't real, Red noses wouldn't make you virile and when you told me
that secret about me being the son of the Mishima Corporation President
1995-1996
Kazuya: Hey! I'm still the Mishima Corporation President!
Jin:
I thought Granddad dropped you in that volcano
Kazuya: WAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!!!!!
Heihachi: mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha-ack! My heart!
(Kazuya plays a mean trick and plays 'Copacabana')
Heihachi: Very-erk!-funny, you snotrag!
Snotrag
(from Mon-Day): Hey! Don't insult me!
Mr
T:
I pity the foo' who insults Snotrag from Mon-Day!
Everyone
(including Heihachi, Tekkenicus, Kazuya and weirdly, Jun): SHUT THE HELL UP!
Mr
T:
I pity the foo' who tells me to shut the hell up!
(Nina shoots Mr T with an Ak-47)
Mr
T:
Ack! I pity the foo' who…shoots…Mr…T (dies)
Me:
I best give him a decent funeral (clears throat) 'Ashes to Ashes'
Jin:
#Funk to funky, we know Major Tom's a junkie, struck out on heaven's high,
hitting an all-time-low#
(stony silence)
Jin:
What?
Me:
Hey, you show some respect for Mr T
Rick
Steiner: I pity the foo' who disrespects Mr T from the A-Team
(A-Team theme plays)
Me:
Anyway, ashes to ashes, dust to dust, Mr T will be greatly missed by all, Amen
Everyone: Amen
Hwoarang: I like Amen
Julia:
Heard their latest tune?
Hwoarang: Yep-a-roonie
Xiaoyu: (humming some crappy boyband tune)
Jin:
(humming some rock tune from the DOA2 game, which is either 'Exciter' or 'Deadly
Silent Beach')
Eddy:
#Come my lady, come come my lady, you’re my butterfly, sugar baby!#
Tiger:
#ah-ah-ah-ah, stayin' alive, stayin' alive!#
Mokujin: #And all the love I have is-#
Mokujin+Tetsujin: #-especially for yyooooooouuuuuu!#
Kazuya: (humming 'Sour Girl' by Stone Temple Pilots)
Me:
#my girl, my giirrl, don't liiiieee to mee. Where did, you sleep, last night?#
Gon
(what's he doing here?): Snarf!
Paul:
What'd he say?
Hwoarang: Oh no, I'm hallucinating again!
Xiaoyu: Me too!
Hwoarang: What do you see?
Xiaoyu: An orange dinosaur with tiny arms with boxing gloves on
Hwoarang: Me too
Jin:
And me
Everyone: And us!
Gon:
Snarf arf squibble grrr
Me:
What the hell did he just say?
Alex:
He said 'snarf arf squibble grrr'
Roger:
What? You can talk?
Alex:
Course I can! Wait, you can talk?
Roger:
Course! How else did I get you that kilo of skunk?
Hwoarang: Skunk? Gimme gimme gimme!
Roger:
Ok (gives Hwoarang a skunk)
Hwoarang: Very funny!
Skunk:
(sprays the liquidy smelly guff on Hwoarang)
Hwoarang: Yaagh!
Jin:
Damn! You smell worse then my granddad after one of King's parties!
Heihachi: WHAT DID YOU SAY BOY?!
Kazuya: Am I dreaming? Did my son actually make an insult?
King:
Hey! My parties do NOT make people smell!
Armor
King: #Vindaloo!#
King:
Hey, shut up AK!
Armor
King: Fine! But I'm not paying for your pint of Strongbow after the show!
Cameraman: We're coming back in 1 minute!
Me:
We are? Sh*t!
Jun:
(looks at Tekkenicus with the evil eye)
Me:
Er, sorry bout that
Jun:
>:(
Kazuya: (talking to producer) I
shouldn't be here y'know, I should be hosting Comic Relief or being a contestant
on Big Brother, or maybe if I need the money, even making a damn music video in
some damn boyband!
Heihachi: Or maybe down a volcano where you're supposed to be!
Wang:
Oh, shut up you fartface!
Heihachi: Whom are you talking to, foreskin-face!
Wang:
What did you say?
Heihachi: You heard!
Wang:
Actually, no I didn't, I'm getting a bit deaf, what did you say?
Heihachi: What? I can't hear you, I'm going slightly deaf
Kazuya: (mumbling) you should meet death you dirty old fartbag!
Cameraman: And we're coming back in 5…
Hwoarang: (plays a little guitar tune that sounds a bit like 'Smells Like Teen
Spirit) Self High 5!
(some record scratching is heard then the DDP
<standing for 'Diamond Dallas Page', another WCW wrestler and #1 contender
for the WCW Heavyweight title> theme is heard and everyone starts dancing)
Cameraman: 4…3…2…1…
Xiaoyu: Let me guess, 'and we're rollin'?
Cameraman: Spot on my little groovy thang!
Xiaoyu: (giggles)
(DDP theme ends)
Me:
Welcome back, unfortunately, our performances are cancelled due to loss of time,
so were now gonna have to rush this prestigious awards ceremony-
Kazuya: Not very prestigious really
Me:
But I've found out that someone wants 5 people to go in a house and try
to survive a whole week to get the grand prize of £1 million squid and a trip
to Ms Kitty's Brothel-er, I mean, to sunny California, (talking fast) all
expenses paid, free hotel rooms and a chance to meet some celebrities, terms and
conditions apply
Everyone: (gasps)
Jin:
What the-?
Hwoarang: Woohoo!
Julia:
(smiles)
King+Armor
King: Bloody 'ell!
Alex:
(roars happily)
Roger:
(does kangaroo noises happily)
Me:
Sadly, the public will vote out 4 of you after each day, and you have to do
tasks of physical, mental-
Jin:
No problem for the mental puzzles, everyone here is mental anyway!
(everyone looks at Jin)
Jin:
Like you never thought of it!
Me:
er, yes, anyway, you have to do physical, mental, artistic and other skills
blah-de-blah
Everyone: oooohhhh L (looks disappointed)
Me:
Anyway, the best newcomer award goes to…Unknown (?)
Wang:
Unknown?
Heihachi: Dammit! Tell us you ratbag!
Me:
But that is what it says on the piece of paper-Unknown
Heihachi: That's it, I'm gonna-erk! My heart! Again!
Jin:
Granddad has a heart?
Lee:
Looks like the legend is true, Heihachi does have a heart
Kazuya: Like he ever used it!
Heihachi: Well, I'm dying now…
Kazuya: NO! You can't die!
Everyone: (gasps)
Paul:
WTF!
Jun:
graaaaaaaagggghhhh!!! (attacks Paul)
Paul:
aiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeee!
Heihachi: Son?
Julia:
Can this be true? Your dad reconciling with your granddad?
Jin:
Nah, knowing Dad, it would probably be that he wants to kill him himself.
Kazuya: Thanks for ruining the ambience boy!
Heihachi: Yeah-gark! (takes out a piece of paper and makes his will and
confessions)
Jin:
Well, everyone expected it y'know, you're not fooling anyone!
Kazuya: Then why did everyone gasp?
Jin:
(points to a set of ripped-up chairs near where Nina and Anna were sitting,
along with some strips of linen of some sorts and traces of hair)
Me:
Ripped off cloth? Why's that ther-oh, I get it! Another catfight, this time,
going too far!
Paul
(with loads of injuries): And also they ripped each other clothes until they were butt naked,
which is why I said WHAT THE F- (gets attacked by Jun again) AAAAIIIIIIIIEEEEEE!!!!!
Kazuya: Damn!
Me: Ah well, I'll just get rid of this award (throws it to his side, a
crash is heard along with some cats screeching)
Tiger: Hey, my cats do not screech man!
Eddy: Who cares? (mumbling) you 1970's ass-backward throwback!
Tiger: What chew say?
Eddy: Nothing, nothing at all
Xiaoyu: This sucks now
Michelle: And I'm not getting enough lines
Yoshimitsu: Me too
Kunimitsu:
Me 3
Me: You'd what more to say?
(Michelle,
Yoshi and Kuni nod)
Me: Ok then, all you have to do is-
Devil
Kazuya: JUST GET ON
WITH THE DAMN SHOW!
Me: Alright, alright, Jeez! Our next award the best fighter-heavyweight
division
(Screen
flashes and yet another video is shown)
Video:
Zangief: Grungh! The more heavy the weight the
bigger the power! (does his pose)
Bass (from DOA and DOA2):
Cos power is ALL that counts
Ein/Hayate (see Bass) I'm supposed to
be middleweight y'know but noooooooo, I have to be classified as heavyweight!
(cries)
(video ends and screen goes straight to the quarter
screen)
Me:
I would say the nominees but two of them died earlier, my condolences to Jane,
who had spent 19 years trying to rebuild Jack2 after that laser blast and also
for making GunJack, also my condolences go to the company that made P.Jack cos
he just sucks!
Dr
Boskonovitch: Well, lets see you build a robot with the ability to feel emotion!
(sulks)
Me:
Er, yes, anyway, we only have two nominees and the first one is…Heihachi
Mishima (half of screen gets a picture of Heihachi's ugly mug)
Heihachi: Mwahahaha-ack! Ger, I'll beat you yet boy!
Kazuya: Bite me!
Me:
And the second nominee is…Kazuya Mishima! (last half of screen gets a picture
of Kazuya's face)
Julia:
Wow! What a standoff! Looks like this'll be the ultimate challenge between
father and-
Hwoarang: Jesus Christ! Shut up will'ya!
Me:
And the winner is…
Heihachi: mwahahahaha! Yes! I will be the winner!
Kazuya: (stays silent, looking calm and collected)
Me:
Kazuya Mishima!
Heihachi: WHAT?! Ack! (falls over, some paramedics standing by put him on a
stretcher and take him out of the arena)
Kazuya: (whispering to Tekkenicus) Fine choice man, fine choice (slips him a
briefcase under the table)
Me:
J
Michelle: Man, I hope this awards show is ending soon! It's been 22 pages long!
Yoshimitsu: pages?
Kunimitsu
(wearing her special suit from Tekken Tag <the purple one):
Don't ask, she's just nuts
Michelle: Coming from a thief!
Me:
HEY! No catfights! Nina and Anna had to leave because of a catfight, Hey, where
did Toshin go?
(Meanwhile, at the Williams Sisters flat)
Nina:
mmmmmmm, you were great!
Toshin: Thanks
Anna:
I thought you were great too!
Toshin
(beginning to blush): Thanks again!
Nina:
I didn't know what we would do without you
Toshin: Well, I couldn't let two beautiful girls eat raw meat (munches on a
T-Bone steak)
(Back at the arena)
Me:
Ah well, doesn't matter, anyway, it's time for the final award!
Everyone: YEEEEEEEEEYYYYY!!!!!! (cheers like mad)
Paul:
#should old acquaintance be forgot, for the sake of Auld Lang Syne!#
Me:
SHUT UP WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU!
Hwoarang: #everything you say to me, takes me one step closer to the edge, I'm
about to break! #
Me: (waves machinegun at everyone) don't think I won't use this!
(Everyone shuts up)
Me:
Good,. Now it's time for the award for the all-around best fighter!
(screen flashes and a video-well you'll know the
plot by now!)
Video:
Ryu
(if you don't know this guy then you have no life): It takes ages to
become a great fighter, like me, a fighting capability way over 3000 (looks
smug)
Kasumi: Hey! I'm a great fighter too!
Liu Kang (from Mortal Kombat, what a classic game!): And me!
Jin (you know where he comes from!):
And me! I spent 4 years learning Mishima-Style-Karate and looks at me! I'm the
perfect model of the perfect fighter!
(Ryu, Kasumi and Liu Kang beat up Jin)
(video ends and a quarter screen appears)
Jin:
Hey, that's what the script said and then suddenly these guys were smashing me
to pieces!
Kazuya: And it cost me a fortune in hospital treatment!
Jun:
Ah well, people learn from mistakes
Jin:
You're right mom (hugs his mommy)
Hwoarang: Momma's boy!
Kazuya: I'm beginning to miss my mommy now (sniffles) OKKAAASSSSAAANNNN!!!!!!
Paul:
Momma's boy
(Hwoarang looks at Paul, Paul looks back)
Paul+Hwoarang: Whoa! I've just experienced déjà vu!
Hwoarang: Jinx!
Me:
Anyway, the first nominee is…Bob Wibbleson? Who's he?
Hwoarang: (looks nervous) er, I dunno
Me:
Ah well, forget it then, first nominee is Hwoarang
Hwoarang: (thoughts: phew! For a minute there he nearly discovered my identity!)
Me:
(thoughts: mwahahaha! Stupid boy! I already know your secret identity!)
Kazuya:
(thoughts: #I wants chicken, I wants liver, Meowmix, Meowmix please del-liv-er!)
Me:
The second nominee is…Jin Kazama!
Jin:
(unenthusiastically) yey!
Me:
Next nominee is…Kazuya Mishima
Everyone: (groans with anguish but stop when Kazuya glares at them)
Me:
Next up is…Nina Williams(?)
Someone: Er, she's not here
Me:
Ok, how about Anna?
Someone: Not here either
Me:
Ok, screw it! Replacing Nina Williams in that nomination is Michelle Chang
Michelle: YEEEEEYYYYY!!!!!!
Me:
And the final nominee is…Forest Law! (picture appears in the middle of all the
other pictures)
Forest: Yes! The all-around best fighter award is within my grasp! A more
exalted place then the speediest fighter!
Me: (rolls eyes)
Lee:
(shoves cork in Forest's mouth) let's see how you like it, you crappy Bruce Lee
knock-off!
Forest: mhmhm, hmhmhmh, gark! Hmhmh!
Lei:
Hurry up with the damn award! I wanna go home to my comfortable bed!
Bryan:
Me too!
(Lei looks at Bryan in a strange way)
Bryan:
Not like that! Sicko!
Lei:
Oh, too bad
Bryan:
(moves some more seats away from Lei)
Bruce:
HUURRRRYYY UUUUPPPP!!!!
Kazuya: Dammit! Just say the winner!
Me:
Alright, alright, Jeez! The winner, or this year's MTV (2) all-around best
fighter award goes to-
(arena is stormed by some Stormtroopers)
Kazuya: hey, what the-?
Stormtrooper1:
Shut up you dil-
Jun:
GRRRAAAAAAAGGGHHHH!!!! (attacks Stormtrooper 1)
Stormtrooper
1: Aiiiiiiiieeeee!!!!!
(Jun does her Cherry Blossom throw over to Kazuya,
who gives the Stormtrooper a Stonehead)
Jun: I just remembered that we make a great
couple J
Kazuya: (giddy after giving the Stonehead to a Stormtrooper's helmet) w-wha?
Ergle!
Jun;
Ohhh, come here! (grabs Kazuya and the two start making out)
Jin:
(starts making out with Julia)
Hwoarang: Should we join in?
Xiaoyu: meh, might as well (Hwoarang and Xiaoyu start making out)
Paul:
I don't have anyone to make out with L
Michelle: Well, just depends, what's your sexuality again?
Paul:
I'm-(Stormtrooper grabs Paul)-hey! Leggo of me! (Paul is dragged out of the
arena)
Michelle: I'll just leave, in case Ganryu comes ba-
Ganryu: YOOOOHOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
Michelle: OH SH*T! (runs out of the arena, with Ganryu chasing her)
Lei:
Any of you Stormtrooper's female?
Stormtrooper 2:
I am
Lei:
hmmmmm, really (gets a smug smile) because have I told you that you look great
in that suit?
Stormtrooper
2: (smiles underneath her helmet)
Lei:
Say, let's go out for a pizza
Stormtrooper: I'm all for that! (leaves with lei to find the nearest pizzeria)
Bryan:
Is any of you Stormtrooper's a fat ugly guy wearing a nappy?
(Ganryu looks at Bryan in a funny way and runs out
of the arena, screaming wildly)
Bryan:
Hey! Wait up! (runs after Ganryu)
Bruce:
I'm bored, I'm leaving
Eddy:
Wait up! You got my ride!
Bruce:
No I haven't
Eddy:
Er, I mean…ahem!
Bruce: Oh, I get ya
(gives a phonecard to Eddy)
Eddy: hmmm, who's this? (points to picture on card)
Bruce: I dunno, looks like Nina
Eddy: hmmmmm, interesting >:)
Bruce: In fact, it looks a lot like Nina!
Eddy: Even more interesting!
Bruce: In fact, it IS Nina!
Eddy: Whoa baby! (leaves to find the nearest phonebooth)
Bruce:
And I thought Anna would be the phonebooth prostitute! (shrugs and leaves arena,
with the sounds of a car starting and driving off sounding in the distance)
King:
(looks at watch) hey! It's nearly time for the FA Cup Final!
Armor
King: Jesus Christ! Come on then! We're missing it! (runs off)
King:
Wait for me dammit! (runs after Armor King)
Me:
Well, everyone's gone, apart from our making-out couples (Jin+Julia,
Hwoarang+Xiaoyu, Kazuya+Jun)
Yoshimitsu+Kunimitsu: And us!
Me:
Aren't you two part of the making-out couples?
Yoshimitsu: We are now! (makes out with Kunimitsu)
Me:
(rolls
eyes) anyway, since only a few of our nominees are here, I'm just gonna throw
this award out the window (throws award out of window)
Unknown: Ow! That hurt!
Me:
Sorry
Unknown: It's ok, hey, what's that? (points down)
Me:
(looks down) dunno, looks like a maypole
Unknown: I would comment on the size…but I won't
Me:
(picks up maypole) hey, wanna go dance around it?
Unknown: Sure (Tekkenicus and Unknown run off to dance around maypole)
Cameraman: This sucks now, I'll just leave the camera running, maybe the
making-out couples might do something interesting >:)
Devil
Kazuya: DON'T BET ON IT! (blasts laser at Cameraman)
Cameraman: Erk! (dies)
Devil
Kazuya: (chuckles evilly) ANYWAY'S, YOU! BUGGER OFF BEFORE I RIP
YOUR HEAD FROM YOUR SHOULDERS! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(Reader buggers off in case he/she get's blasted by
laser, with the sound of an evil laugh heard in the background. He/she runs past
Paul fighting a Stormtrooper which is actually Taylor Hawkins from the Foo
Fighters, Lei coming out of the toilet and Jin running back from the men's room
to the arena with something in his hand)
The
End(?)
Kazuya: It damn well better be the end! It sucked!
Me:
Well, I liked it
Jun:
I'm never that angry! Am I Kaz?
Kazuya: Yes, you never get that angry
Jun:
See?
Jin:
(sarcastically) well, it got my character in perfect form!
Me:
Well, this story's over for now, unless…
Kazuya: No
Me:
Unless…
Kazuya: No!
Me:
Yes, that's it! TEKKEN BIG BROTHER!
