Alright, we already know where this is heading, but since you all love it when we bash this..."Anime", I've decided to post a little summary and review. First off, I will summarise this little Anime(and express my opinions wherever necessary). If you are unfortunate enough to know what this Anime is about, then you'll probably want to read on to see what I think of it.
THE SUMMARY OF THE ANIME
Okay, where do I start? Oh yes, first there's these long-ass previews on the tape, fast-forward, fast-forward...okay, then there's this really boring intro sequence, and it shows some of the cast (along with characters that are there for the sake of being there, and some of the Tekken 3 peeps—including my son Jin and that Hwoarang guy that hates me so much). Alright, once you've fast-forwarded through all that, it's time to start watching.
It's a dark and stormy...day. I think it was day, can't remember for the life of me. Anyway, we see Jun as a child (whose hairstyle is rather too large for her head—but we all know she grew into it), crying over a dead rabbit (oh boo-hoo, rabbits multiply like mad; there'll be plenty more) . I'm standing near her (BLUE EYES and all—I mean, WTF?!), and trying to console her, and telling her I'll kill the bobcat (actually, I was really just trying to get her to like me, wahaha) . Then suddenly, a hand reaches out and grabs me—hey, it's that rat bastard Heihachi! He starts yelling at me(Talk louder dad, I don't think the Shinjuku district heard you!). He tears my little necklace off, and carries me away. Jun looks at it, and it's a picture of my mommy and me (OKASAN!!!!!WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! ;_;). Anyway, Heihachi tells me something about lions throwing their cubs off of cliffs(I think he saw that on the Discovery Channel), and despite Jun's screaming, he throws me off. Trust me, it's not as fun as it looks.
Okay, so Jun wakes up from that, and she goes to look at the necklace(if you've got the uncut version, she's wearing a bra and panties... heeheeheeheehee ... *ahem*). Okay, she then goes to her little HQ, and this guy is telling her some information that we don't care about, yada yada yada (By the way, that photo he shows of what appears to be the remains of a dinosaur in a fishing net—that's not a dinosaur, it's the Loch Ness Monster) and then he hands her a ticket for the Iron Fist Tournament, and tells her to go and investigate some of that stuff we missed cuz we went to make that tasty sandwich. Anyway, she accepts the invitation, and outdoors, she's talking to herself and some stuff , and then we are introduced to Lei Wulong (the only character they seemed to get right IMO, the bastards). The two talk, and talk, and talk(and he seems to be hitting on Jun—he better hope I don't see him on the street one day!), and then we move into another scene.
We are introduced to Lee (His voice is funny; he sounds like a complete dork! Well, he is, but the voice just makes it more so). They mention me, talking about how I gave up the heritage a long time ago, blah blah blah who cares....
Okay, now we see Lee driving a car, and Nina is in there with him. Lee is ranting about me (and mispronounces my name; it's pronounced KA-ZOO-YA, not KAZZY-YA, ass) and the Zaibatsu, and he hires Nina to go after me. Oh, and Lee tells Nina that she's the most beautiful and feared woman he knows, and that he can't bear the thought of losing her (HAHAHAHAHA!!!!).
Okay, now we get into this flashback scene, which shows me climbing back up the cliff, swearing that I'll kill daddy. Then this voice is like "Yeah, kill the bastard" or something, and he offers his help to me. Then I wake up (Okay, if you've seen the way I look in this Anime, I'd almost think the character designer was mocking my hairstyle and my eyebrows!), and I'm all sweaty and breathing kind of hard (Great, I think I just excited all the girls reading this), and I have a hand on my scar, which is glowing(???). Then I start wondering what's the meaning of the dream or something (My voice is way too deep—I think if Nina kicked me where she shouldn't be kicking me, it may put make my voice normal). Suddenly, I hear, sense (whatever!) someone, and there's Nina, firing a gun into my hotel room. She then steps inside because she didn't see me inside (she's got those infra-red goggles), and then I get the jump on her. She kicks me, I hit a wall, she then strikes again, misses, then I lay the smackdown on her, knock her out of the hotel room, she throws a grenade, then I jump out, room explodes (approximate time of the fight: thirty seconds), We both splash into the water, my hair gel fails me, I tell her a word of warning, or something, and we're both outta there.
We then go to this big house, and*surprise* a shower scene involving Anna Williams--never seen a shower scene in a fighting game-based Anime before (except in Street Fighter 2, Toshinden, Fatal Fury...) ( By the way, if you got the cut version, well, you're not missing much!)! Lee hears of Nina's failure, then gets upset, He is then joined by Anna, and they badmouth Nina, then me (see, Nina and I should work TOGETHER for that! But she's such a psycho, that Nina...). Then Lee tells Anna she's the only one for him (haven't heard that one before), and the two make out (who wants to see THAT?!)
Next scene: Okay, so we see Lei and Jun, talking some more yada yada, looking at some computer stuff. Next day they are headed for their boat ride, and talk about an explosion at the hotel, whatever. Alright, so the two get to the docks to catch their boat ride, but notice that these guys won't let this really big guy and his little girl on the boat (of course we know who they are, so I need not say anything more). Then Jun and Lei jump the guys (approximate time of fight: four seconds), and there's some talking, then Lee decides to send out that Bruce Irving guy to fight Jack-2—if Jack-2 wins, he gets to go on the boat. Of course, Bruce tries to punch Jack, and breaks some bones in his arm, then Jack knocks him out(approximate time of fight: twenty seconds). Okay, so Jack and girl (I am well aware that she has a name) get on the boat, and Jun starts saying that she sensed something wrong with the girl("This girl are sick"*).
*If you've played Final Fantasy VII, then you'll understand the joke behind that line. If you have not, well, allow me to explain: In the Sector Five slums, Cloud and Aerith(or Aeris) find this guy who doesn't appear to feel well. Aerith says "This guy are sick". ß The person responsible for that slip-up was sacked.
Okay, now the boat is on it's merry little journey to the merry little island. We are introduced to Michelle, and Lei makes another sexist comment about women, and Jun scolds him for it. Lee seems to be disappointed that I won't be coming along, but then as the boat nears a bridge, you see me standing on it. Right before the boat passes under the bridge, I do some fancy flip-work(I do my own stunts!) and land on the boat. Of course, that pansy Lee is there, and I'm glaring at him and stuff. Jun senses my presence. As the boat nears the island, Lei takes a look at all the armed soldiers and compares the island to some boot camp (an island, how LAME is that?!)
Jun looks at the little locket of mine again, then thinks about me and realises that my soul is corrupt because of the devil inside. We then see me in a training hall, punching out a punching bag. I imagine that the punching bag is daddy dearest, and I give it a really strong kick, breaking the bag(It doesn't matter if my hair is too high and my eyebrows are too big and my voice is too deep—all must still fear the greatness that is Kazuya Mishima! But anyway...). Jun walks in saying she has something for me, and presents the little locket to me. I pretend that I have no clue what she's talking about(When in actuality I was playing hard to get *grin*) and slap the little locket out of her hand. Jun then tells me that she was there when I was thrown off of that little cliff, and said that she had been looking for me (awww), and then tells me that my hate is consuming me and stuff. Then I rip off my shirt(I was actually hoping that would excite her and get her to change the subject, but then I forget how horrible I look in this Anime) and tell her how I sold my soul to the devil and she chides me for it. Suddenly, a wire comes out of nowhere—okay, that's a lie, Nina was above me, and she's saying how she'll kill me this time. Jun sees her, and throws the locket at Nina, loosening her death-grip on me. We fight (approximate time of fight: four seconds), and then Anna jumps in and tries to kill us with a bazooka. We escape in time, but Nina has already left. I ask her why she saved me, but she says my mom and little baby self did, and I tell her she doesn't know me, and I tell her that I'm going to kill my father, and if she interferes, I'll kill her too(I didn't mean it, though, I was just trying to scare her off.)
Next day, Lei informs Jun that he's found a secret entrance, Jun says that she is going to find Heihachi and get some much-needed answers. Lei tells her she's crazy. Then that pansy—I mean Lee—shows up and tells us the object of the so-called tournament. Then Heihachi shows up, and shouts "DEFEAT ME, AND YOU'LL WIN LOTS OF MONEY AND BE THE BEST FIGHTER IN THE WORLD"(Okay, those weren't his exact words...you know what, that would make an interesting game show—screw answering trivia questions, fighting for the money is where it's at!) Just when things couldn't get any lamer, Michelle shows up, jumps up really high in the air (as is standard for people that appear in an Anime), throws her ax at Heihachi. Heihachi catches the ax in his teeth and breaks it with his teeth (this is TOO easy--for your comments, mail Lord Kazuya at lord_kazuya@yahoo.com; I'll post the most humourous ones)!
Okay, then we hear some of Heihachi's thoughts, my thoughts, Lee's thoughts, and Jun's thoughts, then Heihachi makes this lame little speech and tells us to grab something with our Tekken (I'd have paid attention if not for the fact I was still scoping Jun out in that little midriff number of hers).
We start off episode 2 with me kicking Baek's ass(approximate time of so-called fight: nine seconds). Of course, Baek doesn't know when to give up, so he tries to attack me, and I kick him in the face(and like I said, Hwoarang will definitely want to kick my ass for that one). Then we cut to a scene of Michelle fighting that loser Sumo wrestler Ganryu, and she makes short work of him (approximate time of fight: eight seconds).
We see these women typing on the computer, talking about how each fighter is doing, and where their locations are(didn't I see these women in "Ghost in the Shell"?). Lee then says something about us being completely clueless about our real purpose in this "competition", and then one of the women says that two of the fighters are missing.
Well, one of those little fighters just happens to be Lei. He gets the jump on three of the guards, but is then cornered by one, until Jack-2 comes along and saves the day. Lei demands to know if Jack-2 is working for the government, but Jack tells him that he is merely looking for Boskonovich(or however the hell you spell it), because Jane are sick (okay, I'll stop with that already). In the meantime, Jun is looking for me, telling herself to not let me act out of hate.
Okay, now we see a scene of me kicking the shiznit out of Michelle. She is ever-so persistent, but after I beat her down, I move along my way. However, she tells me why she must kill Heihachi, because the nightmares won't go away otherwise(there's therapy for that, you know)—I simply tell her she should have prepared better for the tourney (but what I really meant to say was "My story is a bigger tear-jerker!"). She then tries to attack me again, and then I smack her really hard(approximate time of fight: thirty-four seconds). I then proceed to kill her, but Jun happens to get in the way.
Lei and Jack-2 try to find a way in—Jack-2 uses some weird eye-laser-whatever it is thingy, and Lei's like "What the hell is that?!" Hahaha...anyway, they make their way inside. Meanwhile, Lee decides to carry out his little "experiment"—which happens to be a bunch of dinosaurs out for blood that can make themselves invisible (this is the point where the plot not only goes out the window, but falls several stories before smacking into the pavement). Meanwhile, Lei and Jack-2 are attacked by a trio of Prototype-Jacks, but short work is made of them(approximate time of fight: forty-five seconds—OH MY GOD, it's a new record!). Jane's health worsens, however, so the two must hurry.
Jun talks to me some more, telling me that all this hate and stuff isn't good. However, we almost end up fighting each other, but then Jun senses something. In the meantime, Lee tells Heihachi that there is little chance I will be able to survive the experiment (shows how much Lee knows). Heihachi says that it will be a test of my strength.
Lei and Jack-2 enter the lab, where Lei has an encounter with Roger the Kangaroo. Then, Boskonovich shows up, telling Roger to stop(Whoever let that guy in Tekken 3 should be sacked).
Finally, we see Nina and Ann square off. Anna talks about how she wasn't loved by her father as a child, and then Nina(who is wearing her 1P outfit from Tekken 3/Tag—well, a watered-down version of it, anyway) accuses Anna for killing their father. Anna gets upset, and the two get into a cat fight(hair-pulling is an automatic disqualification!). Nina grabs Anna's leg and proceeds to break it, but Anna throws a little blade at Nina. (approximate time of fight: ten seconds) Anna then tells Nina that Lee never loved her. Nina suddenly sees one of the dinosaurs behind her. Anna keeps talking, until she turns around, sees the dinosaur, and screams. And screams, and screams and screams.
Back to me and Jun. I ask her if she senses anything again, and she says that what she does sense is a killing kind of sense. Suddenly, out of a scene from Jurassic Park(but with martial arts!), the dinosaurs come charging towards us, and we must fend for ourselves.
But before we get to the fight, we learn that Boskonovich created Jack-2 with an emotional chip of sorts because he didn't want to make a killing machine (and if Jack-2 commits a certain amount of good deeds, he'll become a real boy!). Lei wants to know what Roger is all about, so Boskonovich gets into how that got to be.
Alright, after that boring scene, it's back to me and Jun, fighting off Jurassic Park! Jun (who literally won't kill any living creature to save her life) is taken down quickly; as for me, I'm doing the best I can, but they jump me from all sides. Lee laughs at this, and says how "Tekken" isn't all that it's made out to be, and says that his little dinosaurs will be the next step in guerilla warfare(okay, just shut up—and give me that purple trench coat; only I am worthy of wearing pimping purple suits and trench coats!). Heihachi then senses my rage, and says something about me releasing it (yeah, you come here for a minute and I'll do just that!). In the meantime, I seems to be losing to those dinosaurs—but then my scar does that glow thing, and the Devil inside lends a hand. I rip off the jaws from one dinosaur, and pierce two others in their head—and check out my eyes—I have those crazy eyes, man!(approximate time of fight: 1 minute, 7 seconds—can it get any longer than that? We'll see!). Jun (whom I'm surprised didn't get an aneurysm from what she saw) is feeling the devil take over little by little.
Lee is suddenly surprised that his experiment failed. He thought they were the ultimate in bio-weaponry (hey, you're not Umbrella Inc.). Heihachi senses that I have arrived on the scene—and I have! However, Jun just happens to be there as well. She tells me that I won't be able to live with myself if I kill daddy(shows what she knows—the devil's with me too!). I tell her to stop following me around, and that it's my problem, but she says it's her problem too. Then guess who shows up—the Purple Pansy—I mean Lee! He tries to fight the mighty fighter that is me—and loses (approximate time of—you know what, that's not really a fight, screw it). Heihachi shows up. Lee starts whining to him like a little bitch, and Heihachi bitch-slaps him, and calls him "worthless". As for me and Heihachi, we get into a fight (BTW, that scene where our heads smack together--I still don't see how that could be possible anyway without either of us being in a concussion). At first, Heihachi is beating me down.
And what of Lee? Well, he shoots down his ladies, and then sets the self-destruct for the island, and then goes crazy. As for Lei and Jack-2 and Dr. B. And Jane, well they have to find a way off of the island before they go down with it.
Back to the fight: I'm being smacked around by Heihachi (BOOOOO!!! ). He's about to put the hurt on me, until Jun shows up. Then Heihachi gives a really lame speech that I can't remember because I was too busy mentally undressing Jun—er, trying to recover from my wounds. Then, after coughing up some blood (Anyone else notice that I've lost a good deal of blood?), I push Jun aside, and tell her it's my fight. As for Lee, he continues to go mental as the tower explodes. Lei and co. Try to escape, but their one way out is closing off, so in a burst of speed, Jack-2 holds the door for them(if he were as fast in the game as he was in the Anime, we'd be royally screwed). However, he ends up sacrificing himself to save them. Jane is crying, and as they leave, Jack-2 promises that he will be human for her the next time he sees her (see? I told you that if he committed enough good deeds....).
Okay, back to our fight...well, while we fight to rap music (Someone will definitely be sacked for that one), I open up a can of whoop-ass on Heihachi, and just as I proceed to throw him to a fiery death, surprise, Jun interferes once again(approximate time of the fight between me and Heihachi: 1 minute, seven seconds.). I then put her in a chokehold, and she goes on saying that if killing her would save me, then her sacrifice would be worth it. I then realise she's crying for me (Don't cry for me Jun Kazama, the truth is I never left you...). Then, she uses her psychic powers to go inside my head. We're back to being children again—same scenario, Jun cries over dead rabbit, I tell her that I will avenge it's death by taking care of the bobcat—but this time, she tells me that the bobcat simply did it because it was hungry(she watches the Discovery Channel too, huh?) and it wasn't necessary for me to fight it. Then she has suddenly grown up, and tells me that if I let my life revolve around revenge, it will eventually consume me. She hands me my locket—I'm grown up now—and I'm like "Mother", and then the devil has left my body. In the real world, I release Jun from my "King-Fu Grip", and I say that what I am doing is wrong. Jun is happy to hear this, but then Heihachi comes along, and tries to punch me—but he hits Jun instead(That biatch, I'll get him! Oh wait, that's not what Jun would want me to do). Anyway, Lei sees all the surviving fighters, and is looking for Jun. I happen to be carrying her in my handsome little arms, and we, along with Heihachi, escape the island.
Okay, then we see the words "SOMETIME LATER"ß actually, what really happened was that there was this...scene, that, if left in, would have made this Anime one of those Hentai Anime(imagine the sales if that were true). Anyway, Jun is knitting in the forest, surrounded by some of her animal friends, and Jin shows up (he too is cursed with having his name mispronounced—it's pronounced like "Jean" but with a little more emphasis on the J—it's not pronounced like "gin", ass!). Jun feels the wind changing, but the two walk away. The End—wait, where the hell was I in all this anyway? I guess I died(again) or something...bastards.
So THAT'S it. Now that you know what the...story...oh, who am I kidding?! That wasn't a story! I've seen better plots in the Scream movies! Anyway, now that you know what this Anime is all about(I'm sure you saw some of the screens as well), you will heed my advice: Stay away from this Anime! Don't even attempt to poke at it with a 90-foot pole!!!!
But if this does not convince you, then read my review...when I feel like putting it up, anyway...
