The first email was an unsolicited spam to a huge distribution list. The next is my response, and so forth. It is very entertaing. I didn't edit a thing, except to remove his email address, and to exonerate myself of a very interesting typo.
I don't think this guy really knows physics though, which is disappointing. He just spits out the vocabulary but doesn't know what it means. I had been hoping that it was a brilliant physicist that would take me on as a protégé once I impressed him with my responses. Oh well. *shrugs*
Hello,
I'm sorry I have to send this again, my last email account died.
If you are a Time Traveler I am going to need the following:
1. A modified mind warping Dimensional Warp Generator # 52 4350a series wrist watch with memory adapter.
2. Reliable carbon based, or silicon based time transducing capacitor.
I need a reliable source!! Please only reply if you are reliable. Send a (SEPARATE) email to me at: XYZ
arustomaruprivtHG
Hello Mr. arustomaruprivtHG,
I am a distributor of high end piece parts for manufacturers of fourth- and fifth-dimension travel devices. I normally only sell piece parts to manufacturing houses. However, you sound like you are a very competent and have a very urgent need, so I will consider selling to you as an individual.
Unfortunately, the 4350a series is no longer available. If you are lucky, you may find one on ebay, but, as you are probably aware, Banach-Tarski, Inc. was bought over by ACME Temporal Devices, who discontinued the line. However, the 4361 is supposed to work in the same applications and be backwards compatible, and I have several of these in stock. They all come with a 1200-year local time warrantee, which means the local time of the Warp Generator, which means that the warrantee still holds if you take it a larger number of years into the future! It also means that if you accelerate it to close to the speed of light, the warrantee will be good for longer than 1200 years earth time, even if you DON'T take it through a wormhole! The lower-end model of the 4361 is the 4321. It works fine for most applications, but the warrantee is only good for 50 years, as most 4361s are mass-produced by children in a manufacturing house called Nike.
I have a wide selection of both carbon-based and silicone- based time transducing capacitors, as well as some newfangled really spiffy germanium-based ones that the company has just released to market this year!
Please reply to this email letting me know in further detail what you need.
Best Regards,
Arvay
Hello,
I am going to need the DWG with memory adapter to start, I will offer you $5,000 2002 US funds for that. Which memory adapters do you have for it? Next I am going to need a reliable time transducing capacitor or temporal displacement unit. Which models do you have? I wish to be fair in price with you, So I will also offer you $5,000US for this as well. I am also going to need a time stopping finger ring. $5,000 for that as well.
I would prefer to do business in person. How soon can you deliver? Do you have access to teleportation?
Thank You
Thank you for your prompt response,
I have a broad range of memory adaptors. What is the application? If you let me know the application we can discuss what will be compatible in the your price range.
The most popular time transducing capacitor is the Acme 5X24. It is versatile and sells for only $3825. It has the widest process window of all of our TTCs. What capacitance are you looking for, and what temperatures will it be required to withstand?
I am currently out of stock of time stopping finger rings. However, I offer a wide selection of time stopping toe rings, which do just as well if you have small fingers, or would like to use your pinky. It also will do nicely as a finger ring if you happen to be a quadruped, as there is really no difference in that case, is there? My next shipment of finger rings is due to arrive on 30 November 2002. I tried to push for sooner, but the courier will charge more, as the faster the ship flies, the more massive the cargo gets. You understand. I can expedite shipment for an additional fee of $1400. Would you like to go for this option?
Please provide your process parameters for the DWG and the TTC, and I can send you some electronic brochures on what I have that will suit your needs.
I do have access to teleportation, but I prefer to remain within the Milky Way during the holiday season, as I have many social affairs to attend near home and would not like to travel back and forth very far. Where are you located?
Best Regards,
Arvay
Thank you for your prompt response,
I have a broad range of memory adaptors. What is the application? If you let me know the application we can discuss what will be compatible in the your price range.
well, I must warp my mind back to my former self. I cannot have a large risk of losing memory or celluar degradtion.
The most popular time transducing capacitor is the Acme 5X24. It is versatile and sells for only $3825. It has the widest process window of all of our TTCs. What capacitance are you looking for, and what temperatures will it be required to withstand?
I am not familer with the Acme 5X24. Is that accurate? will it allow for a minium of 22 years backwards and forwards? I was originally after the special 23200 series with built in temporal displacement. I'm 5-8 140.
I am currently out of stock of time stopping finger rings. However, I offer a wide selection of time stopping toe rings, which do just as well if you have small fingers, or would like to use your pinky.
That would be perfectly fine
I would really really, really,prefer to do business in person. I have lost $1,000s of dollars sneding people who turned out to be unreliable, payment upfront. If this cannot be arranged. Please shit [yes; it really says shit] the items to me with invoice. I can send you a copy of my bank statement to prove I have the funds.
Thanks
For your purpose of warping your mind back to your former self, a 4361 will work just fine.
The Acme 5X24 is very accurate and is comparable to the 23200 series. It also has built in temporal displacement. It will do just fine for your size. I recently imported a saber-toothed cat from 8500 BCE, and it was about 1.2-1.5 m long and 0.9 m tall. It weighed about 200 kg and made the journey just fine. The wormhole created could probably take your entire family.
I understand your wish to do business in person. Where are you located? I am on Earth, the 3rd planet from the star called Sun in the Milky Way.
Best Regards,
Arvay
If you're serious on doing business please get back to me.
I'm perfectly serious. I also have good news--my shipment of time-stopping finger rings has arrived in perfect condition!
Please let me know where you are located, and perhaps we can arrange a meeting.
Best Regards,
Arvay
Hello,
As mentioned in my last reply I am located in the Boston area. 20 minutes north of Boston in Woburn, MA. 3rd dimension, year 2002. Please let me know how soon you can meet with me, and I can tell you a public store to meet me in which we can conduct business.
Thanks
I am sorry for not getting back to you sooner. I was out of electrical contact due to a solar flare-up. Unfortunately I was called away from earth on business, and my new location on Mars does not have atmospheric protection against such things.
Back to the topic, I have all of your materials ready and trust that you have funds. Would you be able to meet me on Mars?
Best Regards,
Arvay
I cannot meet you on mars! All my equitment was stolen, or else I would not be needing new. Can't anything ever go right!!!!!!!??????????? Now, there is no way for you to get the equitment to me right???
I am sorry. Well, you had asked earlier whether I had access to teleportation, and I had responded yes. Therefore is it safe to assume that you do as well? If so, I can teleport you the goods that way, and you can deposit the funds directly into my bank account after you have received the goods and are satisfied with them. Please let me know whether this arrangement will work for you.
Best Regards,
Arvay
My telporter was also stolen, I know of a couple vortexes in Boston, would that help?
Are they dimensionally calibrated? I only want to use those things when I know that they are safe. Those back-alley ones are frightening!
Arvay
