Today is actually the first "real" day of the conference.  Monday is really a day for the exhibitors to complete set-up, and a day for 1/2 day tutorials such as the Scyld presentation I sat in on.  Today marks the first keynote speech and the start of the "general sessions" - those sessions that are open to anyone that paid for a pass.  There are, of course, plenty of folks here on a "free pass" that gets them into the exhibits for all of the free shit they can carry.
    As it happens, today is also “H-P Customer Day” (and tomorrow the same for IBM) so there’s a slew of special events around that as well.  I had arrived at the show hall early so that I could register for the H-P ordeal.  Having forgotten my bus pass, I was already in a state of heightened metabolic processing on arrival, and for some reason when I got in line I started sweating like a pig.  I was supposed to have a “pass” waiting for me, but as expected it was not so, and there proceeded a hurried series of questions and phone calls to verify my status as someone who was, in fact, a VIP.  I was now soaking wet, wanting only to return to my hotel room for a fresh shirt.  All ended well, and for my trouble I was given a pretty nice rolling laptop bag, and of course, a guaranteed seat at the “Hippy Hippy Shake” event to take place later tonight near my hotel (more on that later).

    My first general session of choice is "Selecting the right high availability cluster".  It being given by a Red Hat guy, but turned out to be pretty generic WRT specific products and whose is best.  Actually, I was a little disappointed in that - I was looking for some clear cut strengths & weaknesses, and all I walked away with was a "list of questions to ask when selecting an HA cluster" (but I did learn that 2/3 of the "scalable performance clusters" out there are based on an OpenSource OS).  I did, however, start jotting notes on what would be a growing list of annoyances during the general sessions.  It astounds me how self-centered and inconsiderate people are, and that they match those qualities with equally copious amount of stupidity when it comes to learning anything from experience.  I mean really - how many people have to say "shut up" or "be quiet" or "SSHHHHHH" at you before you friggin' figure it out that you are a loud-mouthed A-hole??  Sadly, we never reached that number in this session.
    This event was so inspiring I have produce a bonus page so that all of you can read & learn!

    Today was also the first Keynote Speech - given by Scott McNealy, Grand Pooh-Bah of Sun Corp.  Now I commit faux pau number one for the day.  At the last LinuxWorld all of the Keynote addresses were held over at the Marriot.  Its not that far, but it is a few minutes walk, and certainly out of the convention center.  I dragged a coworker along, assuring her that this was the place to go.  My small pea-brain did not even register the fact that ZERO of the 6,000 other people were heading in that direction, and further, more often than not they were heading into the show hall.  As it turns out the keynotes had been moved back to the main hall at the Moscone.  Fun - yet another way to get sweaty.

    Anyway - back to McNealy.  He started by identifying himself as "The Anonymous Coward" of /. fame. Ha Ha.  Segueing into the equally droll "Top 10 Things that Tell You You're at an OpenSource Conference" - none of them memorable enough to pen down now.  He then went on to detail all of the things that Sun has done for Linux - quite surprising given that 18 months ago he called Linux a "bathtub of code" - apparently the water is now "just right" for Sun.  His best expression of the power and value of his OpenSource contributions was to say that they contributed the Hungarian translation to KDE and all it cost them was 3 days and 125 pizzas.  He stated that Sun has contributed 8.5 million lines of code to OpenSource - I immediately wondered how much of that is represented by broken JAVA crap.
    There were plenty of thinly veiled Microsoft slams, referring to Gates as "The Convicted Monopolist", and Windows as "The Welded Shut Hairball".  He tried to make Solaris look like everything MS isn't - open, modular, etc.  He forgot to mention that it makes him and his company billions being closed.  He spoke of new IA based servers and Linux, but made no mention of the future of Linux on his beloved SPARC.  One point in his presentation included a "bits road map" - showing processing from 4-bit SmartCards up to "128-bit" (???) Sun machines, and the only portion of the graph that included Linux was under IA 32.  Sorry, Scott, but that market is already saturated by folks that know what decent hardware is - and how to price it.  Offering a 1U server for $3,000 (well over $4k configured to be worth a crap) was apparently supposed to be big news, but who cares.
    The best Dell slam of the day came when he mentioned the ability to buy PCs at Wal*Mart, and he then immediately went on to say that you should buy from Wal*Mart and not Dell because you're likely to get just as much support.
    There followed much grandiose prose about Linux at Sun: concurrent port releases, promoting it internally, yada, yada.  The most interesting comment he made was stating that SunLinux (or is it - see this snap grabbed by a Red Hat employee as the Sun booth came up) would be LSB compliant, and that "we need to force the world to do the same", intimating that Red Hat was not.  Too bad that Red Hat has, since 7.1 which predates the first release of the LSB, been moving towards full compliance.  Scott should see who's on the LSB board before drafting his speeches.  He went on to make the bold statement that without LSB compliance Linux will fracture - I have no idea how deciding where to keep my Apache config file or what to call the daemon for the server will cause a code fracture in the Linux kernel, but if Scott says it's so it must be true....
    He did point out that OpenSource was driving more aggressive pricing, stating that money not being spent on proprietary APIs and OSes was being spent on hardware.  Too bad his speech writers didn't bother to tell him how overpriced the new Sun IA based servers are.
    All in all the speech was typical McNealy - self-serving, arrogant, and loaded with barbs on the competition - all the while telling the audience NOTHING about what Sun will be doing for Linux, just what Linux will be doing for Sun.  My favorite quote was made when he referred to the H-P / Compaq merger as a "Slow motion collision of 2 garbage trucks".  That's rich - Sun calling someone else’s hardware "garbage".

    After this rousing opener I was off to peruse the show floor, looking to see what the likes of IBM, Intel, and H-P were up to.  Lots of exciting things on the show floor, so much so that I’m not going to bother to detail it all - head over to eWeek and check out the pages for LinuxWorld, you’ll find out everything incidental there.
    There was lots of the same old fare, but with more applications being touted by all.  Microsoft has a booth hawking WinCE and it is busy every time I go buy.  Red Hat has a booth here that is 100% loaded with Dell gear.  I find this odd, and have to believe that it's really a Dell booth manned by Red Hat.  I find this really disturbing as H-P and IBM have quite a relationship with Red Hat as well, but then I suppose that they each have booths big enough and with enough Red Hat in them that they really don't care that RH has an all-Dell booth.

    I had made arrangements to meet with several folks from H-P, from IBM, and from several ISVs - the coordination of which would turn out to be a logistics nightmare.  Everyone here at the show has lots going on.  I spent more time waiting for, looking for, or getting back to people that I actually had little time to get much from the exhibits on the floor.

    Lunch today was with H-P, and it was the standard parade of execs spewing numbers about Linux business and such.  I’m not saying it was a bad thing, but it was more marketing fluff than anything, and that’s not what I came to hear.  I did have the opportunity to meet with a few of the H-P folks I deal with regularly, so that was a good thing.  We sat and had roast PORRRRK, and cheesecake for dessert; served up with coffee so thick you can’t see the bottom of the cup when there’s ¼ inch inside.  Sadly, I was to learn that this is pretty much the quality of the coffee here.
    The best part of the lunch?  Well, if you recall I mistakenly went over to the Marriot first thing in the morning where I thought the Keynote was to be presented.  While I was there, figuring out that I was in the wrong location, I looked at the list of “Scheduled Events” for the hotel, and it showed H-P as occupying one of the ballrooms for the entire day.  So, my pea-brain again switching into overdrive, I put two and two together and determined that this must be where the days events were to be held.  So, long story short, my trip to lunch that should have been 50 feet from the exhibit hall ended up having me once again take a round trip to the Marriot, only to return to the show as a sweaty mess.  Fortunately, I was able to make myself somewhat presentable by the time I sat down to eat.

    After a few more hours of sessions and time on the show floor I headed back to my hotel for a few minutes of much needed R-n-R.  All of this running back and forth and I was shagged, and as stated I was likely smelly enough to pass for homeless.  Fortunately, the big Hippy Hippy Shake event is only a few paces from my hotel door at Ruby Skye, so I have plenty of time for rest before the fun.

    About 5:30 I decide to head to Ruby Skye.  The invite says that busses will start to leave (the show) at 6:00.  The VIP event is supposed to be from like 6:00 to 7:30, at which time the rest of the H-P customer rabble is allowed to join in.
 So I’m early.  Really early.  I basically just wander into the place, and the house band for the evening is warming up / doing their sound check.  The house band H-P has hired is Dishwalla.  Now, I’m not known as the biggest Dishwalla fan in the universe, and if I had to name one of their songs with a gun to my head I’d likely get dead - so take my comments with that in mind.  Wait - I think they had some song about counting blue cars or something.  Whatever - another whiney pack of pretty boys is what I got from being 50 feet from them during warm-up.
 These guys are like a Gen-X version of N’STINK or BackDoor Boys.  There’s the dreadlock guy on keys, the frosted-tip hair guy on guitar, the beret wearing fat, bald drummer guy, the “pick your member of Pearl Jam” looking guy on bass, and “The Diva” on lead vocals / other wholly-unwarranted-for-this-complexity-of-music guitar.  This last member is having a bad day.  Dishwalla are doing their sound check at, oh, lets say 125 decibels for arguments sake.  Seems that The Diva just cannot hear himself sing.  They dick with things for, oh, 30 minutes, but it just doesn’t get any better for them.  Much like me shuttling back and forth between the Marriot for no apparent reason, it doesn’t seem to dawn on them that there might be a little less splash-back from the PA on the stage if they crank the sound reinforcement down from “kill all sentient lifeforms instantaneously” to a more reasonable “seriously maim after several minutes of exposure”.  The issue is that the place they’re playing in is the size of a (big) movie theater, and they’re playing at volumes more appropriate for an arena.  As it turns out I did not stay long enough to see the “real” performance, but what I got from the sound check was really all I needed.  But I get ahead of myself.

    So I’m early, and sitting on this couch in the back of the room.  It’s now gone 6:00, and I notice that no one is coming into the place.  I work up the courage to head to the bar and get a CSwL.  After a few minutes I see servers with plates of Whores Devours scuttling back and forth.  Hmmmm.  And I also see that there are people starting to fill up the balconies.  Yes, as it turns out "Wrong Way Vanco" has again missed the boat - the VIP party is upstairs.  By this point in time the general rabble starts to pour in the door (constrained to the first floor only), and I’ve already got 2 or 3 Club Sodas in me so I’m perfectly content to stay downstairs and vegetate.  I had put quality time into talking to a big-wig from Intel Linux Marketing (a British bird) and some guy that handles the IT for a university in Houston (we end up talking about Beowulf for a half hour) In betwixt conversations I grab a few curry chicken wings (surprisingly tasty) and manage to get a fake tattoo painted on my arm (actually, one on each arm).  I like them to the point that I've actually decided to get one for real (having been contemplating it for some time).

    Plus - we’ve got “Felicity Shagwell” and “Foxy Cleopatra” to entertain us!  Yes - it’s an Austin Powers themed party.  Groovy, baby - yeah!
    The young lady portraying Foxy is just that - tall, slim, scantily clad (under a long patchwork suede coat) and very pretty.  Suitably attired in funky-fresh 70's garb as you’d expect Foxy to be.  However, Felicity was looking a bit “rode hard and put away wet”.  She was Calista Flockhart skinny, and had the quality and texture of hair typically representative of those whose diet barely supports human life function, much less a “gorgeous mane” of flowing, golden locks.  Like Foxy in her 'fro, they should have gotten her a wig.  But I give them both high marks for effort, and I have to admit that getting paid to dress up like swingin' 60's/70's babes and cavort with creepy geeks has got to be one hell of a way to make a living.  I did, of course, take the opportunity to get a few photos as the doughy filling in a hot young babe sammich.  They smell nice.  I need a moment alone.
    Sitting a couple spaces over from me was a really, really fat guy - I of course took the opportunity to ask Foxy and Felicity if they’ve found their “Fat Bastard”.  Foxy pulled me in close and broke character and said “Yeah - I was gonna ask him, but you never know how people are gonna react”.  Too funny.  They kept coming by and pointing toy guns at the guys & asking “Are you a spy?” to which I responded that I had been known to volunteer as the lingerie police.  Man am I funny!
    There was also an Austin Power and Doctor Evil on hand, but they, like Felicity, were not pulling it off too good.  Dr. Evil did have a tiny MiniMe marionette that was ultra-creepy, so that helped, but his vocal inflections were lame (heck - he didn't even call himself "Eeville").  They kind of tried to open the event with a whole “Shhh - Zippit” thing, but it was very poorly done - no one seemed to care, the booze and chicken wings were free, and Dishwalla was soon to come on.
    At one point I did head back up front to register for the VIP stuff.  By now even the 20-something dude handling the front door was hammered - but said he was only on his third beer - leading me to believe one of three things a) he's lying, its more like his 9th beer 2) he's a TOTAL lightweight or c) he's an alcoholic in first stage liver failure when one beer will, in fact, get you hammered.  My guess is he's just a bad liar - hope that's the case for his sake 'cause if he's a lightweight he definitely went home alone and if his liver is failing he's got about a year to live.  As I stood in line waiting for the registration drama to pass for the folks ahead of me (drunk kid "killin' 'em" with one-lamers, I mean liners the whole time) some H-P big wig mukety-muck shows up at the door - and he is totally WASTED!  Plowed.  Schnockered.  Shitfaced.  He barely knows where he is.  Typical of many folks intoxicated to the point of wetting their pants he cannot shut up, spewing words but generally talking about nothing - DrunkSpeak.  This all being too much I do what I have to do to get my VIP ID (a green wrist strap placed on my wrist like a tourniquet), by-passing whatever BS registration they are doing for give away crap, and head upstairs past the velvet ropes.  They gave me a ticket to try to win an iPAQ.  I headed upstairs to try and find someone I knew, but I was unsuccessful, so I pretty much left at that point, having no interest to scream at a total stranger over the sounds of Dishwalla.  I was to hear from people the following day that they were, in fact, far too loud for that venue, but again, no one had any complaints over the fully open (i.e. Top Shelf) bar.  One of my buds from Intel reported enjoying a Red Bull and Gray Goose - whatever that might be.  I had noticed that the food was of higher caliber upstairs - one table sported a huge bowl of paella (pie-ay-ya) the size of a kiddie pool.
    Enough fun for me - I left, heading back to the lower level to give the IT guy from Houston my iPAQ ticket as the winner has to be present.  He didn't win.

    I went back to my hotel to grab my muni pass and head out to grab some dinner.  On the elevator ride down I was joined by a pierced and dyed young lady of the 20-something crowd.  She was wearing a Dishwalla back stage pass.  Having witnessed their stage presence I'm having a hard time envisioning a real need for "hard core" back stage security at a Dishwalla show - but what do I know.  I asked her if she was with the band (I already knew the answer as I had seen her there for the sound check).  She for some reason found this incredibly funny and giggled a “yes” at me.  I told her I was the lone guy in the back applauding during the sound check (and occasionally yelling “Freebird”or "Zepplin").  As the doors opened and we started to leave the hotel she said thanks, and told me to enjoy the show.  I told her to do the same, but I didn’t tell her that my show was to be a piece of pan-fried Fijian Escolar with new potatoes and baby asparagus.  We both seemed genuinely pleased.
    I don’t know what it says about your musical career when you’re playing a gig for H-P, but I would have to believe that as a band with “pop chart hits” behind you it’s more likely to be on the way down than on the way up.  But then Microsoft had The B-52’s in Las Vegas - so who knows.
    At least they stayed in the lap of luxury - The Hotel Diva!

    The rest of my evening was pretty uneventful - lonelyguy™ table for one at my favorite seafood place (Hyde Street Seafood), cramped cable car rides to and from the place, etc.  This place, like most of those I dine at, was recommended to me by a Concierge at a hotel.  My general rule of thumb / method to my madness is to ask them where I should go for (insert cuisine type here).  They generally give me an answer for some snobby type joint that everyone goes to.  I then ask them where they would go for (insert cuisine type here) and the recommendation I get out of that is usually the one I follow - that's how I've found favorite eateries in Knob Hill, Castro (yep - the gay part), Union Square, Haight-Ashbury, and Lombard.  Anyway, Hyde St. Seafood is a tiny shop right on the Hyde-Powell cable car line with a limited but excellent menu of the best seafood in SFO.  Forget that tourist crap on the Wharf - this is the place to go.  The decor is all old maritime stuff - lots of ocean charts and maps and such.  It's staffed by nice Asian folks that have been there every time I've visited in the last 3 years.  I always try to joke with them, but Asians seem to lack a sense of irony.  Or my jokes just suck.

    Clang-Clang / Bang-Bang cable car ride home.  Sprint past the gauntlet of street panhandlers.  Then it was off to bed……
 
 
 

Hang with me through Day Five......