An Orleans is Drowning Exclusive: The State of Sour Candies in Modern America

I recall back in grammar school (for me, circa 1987-1993), sour candy was the in thing. So were slap bracelets and Ninja Turtles. And pencil crack. And i guess sniffing glue. Oh glue!.....But anyway, i remember that i use to buy sour gumballs and Warheads at Mike Miley playground for 5 cents a piece and sell them at school for 10 cents, thus making an average profit of one dollar every day. Now that doesn't really mean much now-a-days, but during the time when the kid with the newest scented markers ruled third period, 5 bucks a week was good income. But of course, just like my He-Man PJs and waking up early Saturday morning for cartoons, we all grew up and replaced sour gumballs for alcohol, sniffing glue for snorting cocaine, and sock hops for blow jobs.

But being that i work at Blockbuster, I have noticed that the popularity of disgusting sour candy has remained stable. People still seem willing to replace their hard-earn cash with a revolting mixture of chemicals labelled "sour." But the real question is this: How does this new candy compare to the original? Have the introduction of the internet and Britany Spears affected in any way the taste and repulsion of this nasty genre of sugar? In order to find out, i "purchased" a number of sour candies from Blockbuster and have decided to subject myself to the horrors contained within the shiny packaging.

And also, in the name of science, i took only the candies that were green, which means that the specimens tested will be either of a "sour apple" or "watermelon" flavor.

Face Twisters Bubble Gum Stik (Sour Apple)

Sourness
Aftertaste
Overall Sickness Factor

This gum stick covered in sourballs wasn't as bad as i expected. It was actually pretty tame. After biting into it, i found out that it was hollow. What a rip-off! And any sourness contained within the gum disappeared within three chews. Lame lame lame. The 12-year-old me would have been embarassed by this. But that's not to say that the candy wasn't nasty. It just didn't have the kick that the packaging would suggest.

Bubble Tape Bubble Gum (Sour Apple)

Sourness
Aftertaste
Overall Sickness Factor

Holy shit, i wanted to die. This was terrible. I put a large portion of the six foot roll in my mouth and took one chew and, to put it gently, thought that i was going to vomit. So fucking gross, i don't know where to start. I recall a while back where i had a roll of this crap gum and gave a piece to my friend Monique, after which she promptly threw the remaining roll out of my bedroom window. I didn't get mad: it was for the best. I seriously don't think that it's sour in the gum, but rather some kind of weak acid that burns your tongue.

Sour Punch Candy Straws (Sour Apple)

Sourness
Aftertaste
Overall Sickness Factor

These weren't very sour at all. They were, however, extremely gross. The grossiocity lies in the candy that remains whenever all the sour coating is gone. The taste i believe can be compared to knawing on a candle. So you could say that the sourness was the pussiest of the group, but the texture was the worst.

Too Tarts Super Sweets Spray Candy (Watermelon)

Sourness
Aftertaste
Overall Sickness Factor

Without question, i would call this the stupidest candy of the bunch. Spray candy? Why?! Is there any real purpose to this? One squirt in my mouth was worthless. Two, the same. Ten squirts was a different story though. Pure, vile, burning pain. I don't see how they can legally sell this crap to children. It's not healthy. It's not educational. It's not even delicious. It's S&M for our youth. Kids are suppose to get off on their own pain. Well, i guess i got a massive beating today. And i love it......

Too Tarts Xtra Sour Goo Candy ("Wata Melon")

Sourness
Aftertaste
Overall Sickness Factor

OK, this son of a bitch took the God damn cake. I squirted about a quarter of the tube into my mouth all at once. I'll say that i've made some pretty big mistakes in my life before, but this is positively in my top 5. I didn't vomit luckily, but i easily could have. This shit's made of some kind of gel that seems to be rather popular today, and i'm sure that they just took the same gel found in pens and shoe inserts and threw in some sour flavoring to create the worst tasting candy ever made. And the aftertaste: sweet Jesus! It's like my mouth was given a novocane injection. I couldn't stop drooling and spitting. Sorry ladies, i'm taken. But anyway, i would suggest this for your next game of three man sour candy, or maybe you could even slightly change the rules of any other of your favorite drinking games to include goo candy. You can whip out this crap if Mulder ever has sex with Scully.

I gotta rest for a while. Sorry. Just.........give me a few minutes. Phew........

Links of Passing Interest.....

Mary Kate & Ashley Jail-Bait Countdown ...HOT!

Edward Gorrey Online....The Gashlycrumb Times