so, i have this wierd thing where i constantly crave 2 or more things at the same time which
absolutely do
not go together...
naturally, whenever i mentioned it to someone they would jokingly say that i was pregnant... but
then i got
to thinking... hmmmm, what if???
an evil plot was hatched by the barbaric race known as the carnitarians... they are the mortal
enemies of
my people, the tofu aliens, otherwise known as the soyliens...
this plot revolves around corrupting the soyliens earth operative (namely yours truly, dorkula) to
a diet
consisting of all foods not vegan...
the plot began with either my being abducted by the aliens or them infiltrating my house via my
not so
trustworthy pet dog nigel (ive been suspicious of him for quite some time as he likes meat a little
too much
after gaining access to my unconscious body they rammed their vile ovipositors down my tear
ducts and layed
their retched meaty little larvae in my brain...
with this accomplished, the larvae began disrupting my normal eating habits with bizarre
cravings for nasty
combinations of food... it started off subtle and i slowly began to actually enjoy pickles with
hummous, or falafel...
shortly thereafter things started to get crazy as the carnitarians moved on to what i refer to as
phase two...
they upped the cravings by making me crave pickles and orange juice at the same time... or
orange juice or pickles shortly
after brushing my teeth or eating somthing minty...
(i would also like to note that the carnitarians are responsible for the attrocity that is the dreaded
invention that
is the chocolate covered orange...)
anyway, the purpose of these awful cravings is to disgust and ruin for me the few foods allowed
a vegan in this
consumer culture so based on animal exploitation/cruelty...
with me shunning more and more of the prescious soy based foods i need to maintain my
allegiance to the
soyliens, i would be forced to either whither and die from lack of soystenance (no matter how
bad, that one was completely necessary
from there its only a hop skip and a jump before im shoveling my face full of raw bloody meat
and chasing it down with throatfuls of beer and bacon drippings
ill be damned if those gristley bastards will get the better of me... i shall not betray my people
nor the animals they charish...
my plan to foil this malicious scheme is as follows... every day from now until i sneeze out the
meat based contaminants lodged in my brain i will routinely brush my teeth with a pickle and
gargle with orange juice...
and just to one up them, i will floss with black licorice shoe laces to further desensitise myself
to their corrupting cravings...
so take that you contemptible sacks of flesh... bwahahaha...
