And there she was.. running down the stairs to the Ancient city. The swirling of the staircase made her slightly sick to her stomach, and it was hard for her to run in the little light provided. Streaks of moonlight from above filtered down into the lost civilization, and all she could hear were her footsteps echoing off every wall. Finally, she reached the crystal clear water's edge, and carefully, slowly, she stepped out onto the first marble-esque stone. After a moment of conducting herself across the rocks, she reached the altar, and she smiled to herself. But it was not an innocent, cutesy, angelic smile. Why, you ask? This WAS NOT AERIS.
No.. in fact... this was a whoring harlot named Tifa Lockheart. And now, she had beaten Aeris to the altar in the City of the Ancients. "Like, ha!" Tifa laughed to herself. "Now I can, like, pray for stuff that I want instead of, like, the totally stupid 'saving the world thing' or 'Holy' or whatever thing Aeris wanted!"
And so, lowering herself to her knees, Tifa began to pray aloud to... well... whoever she was praying to. "Like... whoever I'm praying to.. or some junk... I like.. really want Cloud... because like... Cloud.. is really cute.. and.. his hair looks like he woke up on it the wrong way and it's so totally cute and whatever that it's like totally cute.. and.. um.. like, I forgot! Hold on." Tifa stopped to think. "...like... his eyes.. are like.. they're really really blue and they like remind me of water or some other fancy word that like.. I can't say. I like, think simple sentences and words everyone gets are like... much better. Don't you? ...like, answer when I talk to you, or some junk!"
Just then, Tifa heard a noise from where she came in. She immediately snapped her head to look, and who did she see but...
Cloud, Yuffie and Cid!
She immediately started waving like a moron. "Like, YOO-HOO!! I'm over here!" Just then, there was a swish above her. "Like, whoa, is it raining?"
Cloud, just then, jumped from rock to rock and to Tifa, whom was still kneeling. But before she could do anything, he suddenly drew out the Buster Sword from behind his back, and raised it above his head. "Like, ohmigaw, you're posing for me!!" Tifa squealed. Tifa was never the smartest girl.
However, before Cloud could bring down the sword, another swish, much louder, came from above. Sephiroth's silhouette slowly melted into view, falling from grace, the Masamune poised to impale Tifa perfectly below her unhumanly large chest. Even from the distance he was at, you could see the evil smirk plastered on his face-and as he fell, Tifa's approaching demise was inevitable. All that Tifa could say as the deadly tip of the Masamune came within a five foot range of her torso was "God, he is, like, such a hottie!" She then looked up to stare at Sephiroth as he descended to her.
Finally, the Masamune tore violently through Tifa's mid-section, her expression only changing for a moment as a ripple of pain shot through her. The death that the sword brung however, was so swift that the pained expression immediately snapped back to the "Duh" look Tifa had had while drooling at her attacker. Her facial expression to forever remain in her signature valley-girl "I don't get it" state, she slumped against the blade, Sephiroth nonchalantly placing one boot against her back and sliding her off the tip of the blade.
Cloud, sword still above his head, gaped at Sephiroth. The silver-haired Soldier legend looked up at Cloud menacingly, his green eyes cold and cruel. All Cloud could do was let his eyes drift from the twistedly maniacal smirk of Sephiroth to the bleeding body of his childhood friend. Finally, he found his voice.
"Sephiroth.. y.. you.. killed Tifa.." he choked over the words.
Tilting his head to the side slightly, Sephiroth hesitated a moment before replying. "Yes, I did, Cloud... and you.. a simple puppet... you--"
"I've been trying to kill her for years! Thank you, thank you!!"
Suddenly Cloud was kissing the tops of Sephiroth's boots, leaving the deranged swordsman blinking and wondering what he missed. Cid spit out his cigarette. "$#*&%! They beat me to it! #$%&!@, I can't believe that #$!%@&* beat me to it!!" He proceeded to light another cigarette. Yuffie sighed and kicked at the dirt. "Gawd.. I should have killed her before stupid Seph had a chance to!"
Cloud stood up again and grinned a stupidly goofy Cloud grin. "Say, Sephiroth! We all hate Tifa here.. why don't we be, you know... buddies?!"
Sephiroth blinked again. "...b-buddies?"
Yuffie chimed in "Sure, buddies! We could all kill stupid people together!"
Slowly, Sephiroth dropped the Masamune and held his head in his hands, sobbing his little heart out. "Y-you guys w-w-w-ould really.. b.. be my b-buddies! I.. I've never had real friends before!!" He paused to blow his nose on the spike of Cloud's hair. "This.. this means so m-much to me, I... you guys are the best!"
It was then that they all, Sephiroth, Cloud, Yuffie, and Cid, joined hands and began to sing Christmas carols Charlie Brown style. You know. All looking up at the sky why their eyes all gone and their noses upward and big circular mouths. And after that, they all went back to Nibelheim where the rest of the cast was waiting, a huge feast prepared in their honor! Aeris was there too, because you see, she didn't die. The feast was delicious, they feasted on bubble gum and soda-pop and candy canes, and traditional Japanese ramen, and pork and beans, and Who-Hash and Who-pudding and all the good stuff! And he, Sephiroth, himself... carved the roast beast.
The End
