Tifa let the sweet ocean breeze blow carelessly through her long dark hair. She pranced along the
beachside, letting the sand run between her toes. Suddenly, she heard someone calling her name… She
looked out as far as she could see into the distance, and then she saw a group of people moving towards
her. At first she was scared, but then she recognized the group! It was Cloud, Vincent, Sephiroth, Rufus
and Marty, that guy that lived across the street. The first one to reach her was Cloud.
“Tifa… I… I… I must tell you something..!” he cried. “I’m madly in love with you!” But Rufus shoved
him out of the way.
“Don’t listen to him, my darling… he only wants your body! I love you for who you truly are!” He gave
her a pleading look, when Sephiroth’s voice broke in.
“Ha! Rufus, do you honestly think she would go for you? When, hey…. She has ME to sweep her off
her feet…” then he laughed evilly.
“Psh….” Vincent swept his dark hair out of his ruby-colored eyes. “Don’t make me laugh… I may have
lost Lucrecia, but I will not lose Tifa, my new love, to someone like you.”
“I-I-I-I-I…. um…. Tifa…. I… I love you…. And I… I was wondering…” Marty had now broken in and
he kneeled and brought out a diamond ring in front of Tifa. “Will you marry me?”
Tifa just sat smirking… Look at all these men DROOLING over me… I am the queen of beauty, charm,
wit, and class. Suddenly, Rufus opened his mouth to argue, but all that came out was an annoying
buzzing sound.
Hmm… Tifa thought to herself. That sounds amazingly like my alarm clock…
Suddenly, Tifa was jolted out of her dream. Her digital clock was sounding 10:00 AM, and she was
sitting in a pile of her own drool on the Seventh Heaven Bar counter. Her hair was in knots, and she
could tell her breath wasn’t all that sweet smelling. She clenched her fists and cried out a little. “WHY
can’t it be real?? Why?!” She sighed and stood up.
It seemed something was different about today but she couldn’t remember what. She dismissed it and
went to go tidy up. She stepped into the shower and started to wash her hair. Tifa, being in a sing-song
mood, started to wail a tune.
“YOOOOO TELL YA WHAT I WANT, WHAT I REALLYREALLY WANT! I’LL TELL YA WHAT
I WANT, WHAT I REALLYREALLY WANT! I WANNA… I WANNA… I WANNA… I WANNA…
I WANNA REALLYREALLYREALLY WANNA ZIG-A-ZIG, AHH!!”
Suddenly she heard someone open the door. She stopped singing a moment, but then didn’t hear
anything so she kept singing.
“IF YOU WANT MY FU-TURE… FORGET MY PAAAST… IF YOU WANNA GET-WITH-ME…”
Then, Tifa heard a few people burst out laughing.
“Cloud, hush!” a woman’s voice said from out in the bar, where the laughter was coming from. “She
must be happy that she’s turning 21, today.”
Tifa screamed. She thought to herself: Someone’s in my bar…!! And worse… they heard me sing The
Spice Girls!! Tifa sprang out of the shower, soaking wet, threw on her ratty looking bath robe, and
snatched the plunger. Whoever is out there is gonna get a good whooping from me!!
She stormed out into the main bar. “Alrurrected) Barret, Cid, Reeve, Vincent, Sephiroth, Yuffie, Nanaki, Rufus and the Turks, Heidegger,
Scarlet and Palmer were sitting all around, dressed in either tuxedos, dresses, or some other nice form of
clothing.
And there she was… in a raggedy robe and suds still in her hair, carting a plunger.
Cloud immediately burst out laughing again, and Aeris ‘hushed’ him again with a quick smack to the back
of the head. “Oww…” Cloud mumbled, rubbing the back of his head. “I’m sorry, Aeris…” Aeris smiled
in that sweet way she had, as if to say ‘that’s okay.’
Tifa was feeling a little dizzy at this point, and Palmer noticed. “If she passes out, can I give her mouth to
mouth?”
“You already use your mouth for eating, enough…” Sephiroth muttered dryly.
Tifa regained her composure, and asked through clenched teeth, “What… are… you… all… doing…
here…?”
Yuffie was the one to hop up from her chair. “Heya Tiff! Well, we thought you would remember your
own 21st birthday! May 3rd! Haaaaappy Birthdaaay!” It was then that, (gasp), Marty pulled Yuffie back
down and kissed her on the cheek. “Calm down, honey muffin!” He cried.
Tifa scowled in anger. She had told everyone she liked Marty Ackleman, that guy that lived across the
street, and now Yuffie had gone and stole him! The only other thing that could have gone wrong would
be if Cloud, Vincent or Sephiroth were taken… but that looked like it wasn’t true.
Suddenly, Cid looked closely at Tifa and cackled. He lit up a cigarette and placed it in his mouth.
“&@#*, Tifa! Ya look like an old hag that’s come out to fix the plumbin’!”
Tifa seethed, and was about to thwack Cid with the plunger, when someone tapped her on the shoulder.
She turned around to see Vincent standing there. She smiled as nicely as she could. “Hiiiiie, Vinnie!” she
cooed.
Vincent simply raised a brow, and then pulled out a slip of paper from his tuxedo pocket. “I think you
could use this…” he stated, emotionless.
She took it gingerly and read it out loud.
Joe's Plastic Surgery Inc. Come on down for a 50% off deal on breast downsizing or buttox downsizing! Located at 218 Sector 5 Midgar And Remember... there's nothing worse to bust your bust than too much silicon!
“WHAT?!?” she yelled.
Vincent shrugged and walked back to the corner of the room he had been standing in. Tifa fumed. Oh,
well, she might STILL have a chance at Vincent… maybe…
Okay, facts were facts! Vincent hated her guts, and Marty was taken by, (gag), Yuffie!! At least Cloud,
Sephiroth and Rufus were still ripe for the picking! ^_^
Tifa then decided she should go tidy up a bit so she didn’t look like a ‘hag getting ready to fix the
plumbing.’ She turned around, but Yuffie grabbed hold of her arm. “Where ya goin’?! It’s your party!
Ya gotta stay! C’mon, you gotta see some more of your gifts!”
Tifa groaned. “But, Yuffie… I look like-“
“Like a hag getting’ ready to fix the *&@#%$ plumbin’!” Cid yelled and then started laughing. Suddenly,
he laughed so hard he inhaled his cigarette. He started choking violently, and clutching at his throat.
Barret started laughing. “You fat *@#$!” he laughed.
Cid turned an interesting shade of blue.
Tifa had an eviiiiil plan to get Cloud to hug her, at that moment. “Oh, Cloud!” she cried. “I’m so scared
of that face Cid is making! Won’t you hold me??”
No reply.
She tried again. “Won’t… you… HOLD… me?”
When she looked over, she was shocked to see him holding tightly to Aeris, whispering “Don’t worry
Aeris… I’m sure he can’t hold that facial expression forever!”
Aeris clung to Cloud, and said “Oh Cloud! I’m so glad that you’re here with me!”
“Well, of course Aeris! You’re the only girl I’ve ever loved!”
Tifa almost choked up a lung. How could he like Aeris more, besides the fact that she was sweeter than
her, prettier than her, and all around better for Cloud than her?
Tifa suddenly went into a rage. If she couldn’t have those men, NO ONE could!! She took the plunger
and started hammering it onto Yuffie. “You materia stealing man snatching whore!!” she yelled. Yuffie
howled and started running around the room, Tifa close behind her.
Marty stood up and pointed a finger at Cloud. “YOU did this! That’s your girlfriend chasing around
mine!”
“H-Huh?” Cloud sputtered. “No way!! I’m in love with Aeris, and that’s all there is to it, pal!”
Marty yelled and charged Cloud. Cloud, like a Spanish matador, stepped out of the way, causing Marty
to bash into the bar counter, leaving a huge dent. “Oh, Cloud! You’re tie is crooked!” Aeris cried. She
ran up to him and straightened it, then kissed him on the cheek. Cloud blushed.
Just then, Cid died of suffocation. Barret broke out crying. “Why, Cid?? I loved you!!”
“Ewwww…” said Reno. “Barret has a thing for Cid…”
“Ewwww…” Elena cried. “Cid is dead!”
“That’s pretty nasty, man.” Rude said.
Rufus hopped in the way of Tifa and Yuffie. “Tifa don’t!” he cried. “Don’t because I care!”
Tifa was touched, and suddenly her insanity lessened. “Rufus… y-you… care for me?” she stumbled
over the words.
“God no, I love Yuffie!” he said and took Yuffie in his arms.
“Hehe, I like this writer!” Yuffie said.
“I know, everyone loves me…” said the writer. “You don’t need to say anything more…” Suddenly the
writer realized she had better get back to writing. And so she did.
In the mean time… Tifa went back to being insane and started swinging the plunger, cussing a blue
streak. Yuffie and Rufus started making out. Reno fumed that everyone but him was getting a girl. Marty
started growling and broke a bottle on the counter, stocking towards Rufus, laughing menacingly. The
Turks started drinking all the alcohol, getting quite drunk. Vincent just stood in the corner, tapping his
foot and wondering what was for dinner. Maybe there was something to eat around here…
Sephiroth started to sharpen the masamune on a tabletop. Tifa screamed at him “Stop it, you
silver-haired hell hole!!” Sephiroth gave her an ‘I-don’t-care’ look, and went back to his work.
Cloud yelled “Someone call Jerry Springer!!”
Just then, the writer got a clever idea…
She appeared in the center of the room, her sandy hair brushed up into a bun, draped in a white cloak,
master of the fan-fic. “Alright, all of you people…” she said. “I have a plan that will solve all this story’s
problems…”
The writer snapped, and suddenly Tifa disappeared into thin air. “There, that’s one less problem…” She
snapped a second time, and Marty turned into a frog. “And there goes the other one!” The writer smiled
and disappeared.
“Wow…” marveled Yuffie. “That was neato torpedo!”
Everyone agreed, and went back to their normal ways.
