Oh ho ho .. back into the bowels again

Let the smooth, greasy past bubble up from the cauldron (-)

 it needs some churning or the batter will spoil.


it's been a long long time since I've written here (-)(-) 

since I've tried to spill my guts out onto this screen. 
The old fears and smells of this seat are coming back to me. 

&&The hinge on my head creaks.

No Salvation No Salvation Without Blood  

  forgiveness is a sin Words are dogma 

 I am trapped ina shell of concubines and television sitcoms. 

I look crossseyed at everyone I see. 

I cannot make contact without fear of contact. 

I cannot make contact. 


:::Existential blues:::

I woke up feeling normal
just like nothing had changed
Got out of bed four hours later
feeeeeeelin mighty deranged
I got the existential blues
I can't piece nothing together right
I got the existential blues
I diagnose my own self until I collapse in fright

My job don't satisfy me
My school can't keep me still
I ain't done real homework all year
I'm having trouble gettin up this hill

i got the existential blues
I can't get nothing to go right
I got the existential blues
I say I'll break out, take another look, better make it tomorrow night.

I stay up past all hours
Just to think and read
My head is dead, my toes are cold
I need to get some sleeeeep ooh

I got the existential blues
I ain't got no business doin nothing
I got the existential blues
I need to get up and get out this funk

***#*IFF**E*
I need to get up and get out of my head get back in and settle in make it real comfy and a 
place where i can life and thrive and survive no and more than survive I have to do it, i have 
to be me. I have to not because I should because this or because that, but because I can't not. 
I cCAN'T NOT  I know it looks desperate. It is. Who am I? Who am I going to end up being if I 
remain passively pessimistic.. unable to cope or change without more positive strokes than a 
thousand hands and hearts could give?

But there are hands and hearts out there, ready to give (-)(-) i've just not been ready to 
receive. dig? I've been ready to deny, to alter, to slander, to remain anonymous. I've been a 
part apart from the crowd, not blending in, not standing out. Enigma, joke, whatever. ALL IS 
VANITTY (-)(-) oh hell yeah. It's all fucking vanity in the end you die and they write a fucking
 obituary that nobody reads. Or some art fag puts someting together for you. No, a jamaican 
band plays a tribute album to you. Oh hell oh fuck my aspirations to become famous, to change 
the world, to market a mantra. Fuck the existential blues (c)(c) they aint' no good no how. 
They just pathetic. 

Nothing is worse than thinking you good when you ain't. OH hell yeah, i ain't no good. 
Oh hell no, gettttttttOFF my back. THis is turnign out to be a real scream. Between the 
profanities and the tyypos i'm not sure I can discern a point.. ABUT THATS THE POINT< GROUCHO!!!
 things break, thkngs fall apart, people split up and call each other every day and talk about 
their new loves and pretend they don't know what they're both hiding, and everyone loses touch 
with their senses, which is why its so easy to grab onto hate (c)(c) its so easy to feel, it 
takes you away; suddeenly your body is hot and your heart is beating and you can feel the blood 
and you know you're alive. Damn, I understand the free love movement, why it took so many away 
and why it was put down by everyone else. Words like 'sissy' and 'faggot' and silly to say it, 
'Commie'. Words and cold shoulders awaited those who turned their backs on the society that had 
its back to everyone.

 Everyone is society, everyone is their own demise. I close my eyes and I spy the future, real 
through her, i see my own destiny and I cannot deny, the vision reflects back and I see now I 
can't turn away and I can't waste a day I can't deny I can't deny