Oh yes. Just about the only cool joke I know.
Now get this. I was sitting at my desk,
when I remembered a phone call I had to make.
I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely
said,
"This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to
Robin Carter?"
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me!
I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude.
I tracked down Robin's correct number and called
her.
She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly.
After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong
number still lying
there on my desk.
I decided to call it again. When the same person
once more answered,
I yelled, "You're a jackass!" and hung up.
Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass,"
and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks,
when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day,
I'd call him up.
He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!"
It would always cheer me up.
Later in the year the Phone Company introduced
caller ID.
This was a real disappointment for me, I would have
to stop calling
the jackass.
Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number,
then heard his
voice say, "Hello." I made up a name.
"Hi. This is the sales office of the Telephone
Company and I'm just
calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID
program?"
He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly
called him back
and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"
Later I was going shopping, and I needed a place to park, but it was packed.
Then I saw an old lady start to pull out and decided to wait for her spot.
The old lady at the mall really took her time
pulling out of the parking
space.
I didn't think she was ever going to leave.
Finally, her car began to move and she started to
very slowly back out of
the
slot.
I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room
to pull out.
Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a
sudden this black
Camaro come flying up the parking isle in the wrong
direction and
pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and
yelling, "You can't
just do that, Buddy. I was here first!"
The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely
ignoring me. He walked
toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I
thought to myself, this
guy's a jackass, there sure a lot of jackasses in
this world. I noticed
he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his
car. I wrote down the
number. Then I hunted for another place to park.
A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my
desk. I had just
gotten off the phone after calling jackass and
yelling, "You're a
jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I
have his number on
speed dial.)
I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black
Camaro lying on
my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.
After a couple rings someone answered the phone and
said, "Hello."
I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for
sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow
house and the
car's parked right out front."
I said, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes,."
"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone
down.
After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my
speed dialer. For
a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now
when I had a
problem I had two jackasses to call. Then, after
several months of
calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it
just wasn't as
enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some
serious thought and
came up with a solution:
First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man
answered nicely saying,
"Hello."
I yelled "You're a jackass!" but I didn't hang up.
The jackass said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No."
He said, "What's you name, pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
He said, "Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my
black Camaro's
parked out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start
saying your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung
up.
Then I
called Jackass #2.
He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, Jackass!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your butt."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now
Jackass!"
And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I
told them I was
at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to
kill my gay lover as
soon as he got home.
Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war
going on down W.
34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and
headed over to 34th
Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious watching
two Jackasses kicking
the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars
and a police
helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my
life!
Note: this joke is even funnier when told in the third person, and when its asshole instead
of jackass, but I'm too lazy to go back and fix it.