"I'm looking for backing for an unauthorized auto-biography that I am writing. Hopefully, this will sell in such huge numbers that I will be able to sue myself for an extraordinary amount of money and finance the film version in which I will play everybody."- David Bowie
"You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can get with a word alone." -- Al Capone
"Reach For The Moon, for if you fall, you will land among the stars." -- Unknown
"There's no such thing as good or bad, thinking makes it so." -- William Shakespeare
"Why should I write in paragraphs if I don't speak in paragraphs?" -- Unknown
"Time is the greatest teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils." -- Unknown
"There is no great genius without a bit of madness." -- Aristotle
"Great minds discuss ideas...average minds discuss events...little minds discuss people."-- Unknown
"I go for two kinds of men. The kind with muscles, and the kind without." --Mae West
"Self-denial is the shining sore on the leprous body of Christianity." --Oscar Wilde
"It's really a wonder that I haven't dropped all my ideals, because they seem so absurd and impossible to carry out. Yet I keep them, because in spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart." --Anne Frank
"To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune... to lose both seems like carelessness." -- Oscar Wilde
"Enjoy life. There's plenty of time to be dead." - Anonymous
"Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water." -- W.C. Fields
"Adults are obsolete children and the hell with them." - Theodore Geisel (Dr. Seuss)
"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid." - Translation taken from a Japanese hotel
"Boy George is all England needs -- another queen who can't dress." - Joan Rivers
"A man who won't die for something is not fit to live." - Martin Luther King, Jr.
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
"Television is the first truly democratic culture, the first culture available to everybody and entirely governed by what the people want. The most terrifying thing is what people do want." -- Clive Barnes
"I hope I never get so old I get religious." -- Ingmar Bergman
"At the age of six I wanted to be a cook, at seven I wanted to be Napoleon, and my ambition has been growing steadily ever since." -- Salvador Dali
"The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his." -General George Patton
"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall down an open manhole cover and die." -Mel Brooks
"Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable." -John Fitzgerald Kennedy
"To achieve the impossible, it is precisely the unthinkable that must be thought." -- Tom Robbins, Jitterbug Perfume
"There is nothing in which people more betray their character than in what they laugh at." -- Goethe
"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity." -- Albert Einstein
"By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher." -- Socrates
"We are the Music Makers, and we are the dreamers of the dreams" -- Gene Wilder (as Willy Wonka)
"What makes him think a middle-aged actor, who's played with a chimp, could have a future in politics?" - Ronald Reagan commenting on Eastwood's bid to become mayor of Carmel.
"A friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body." -Anonymous
"Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart." - Erma Bombeck
"The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense." - Tom Clancy
"Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." ---Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff." ---Mariah Carey
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." ---Brooke Shields
"We are the president." ---Hillary Clinton
"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." ---Former French President Charles De Gaulle
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." ---Former U. S. Vice-president Dan Quayle
"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are." ---Matt Lauer on NBC's Today Show
"You kill one person it's a tragedy, you kill ten thousand people it's a statistic." - Joseph Stalin
"You can trust the Americans to do the right thing, after they have tried every other alternative." - Sir Winston Churchill
"Every mistake we must surely be learning" -George Harrison, from the song While My Guitar Gently Weeps
"Man's mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original dimensions." -- Sri da Avabhas
"Music is the connective tissue between souls." - Barbra Streisand
"Someone, somewhere, please, give us a reason to believe Rod Stewart doesn't suck"-Robert Whiteman
"Being born is like being kidnapped. And then sold into slavery." - Andy Warhol
"If every thousand years an eagle passes the tallest mountain and only the tip of a feather touches the mountain, the time it takes to erosion is only a fraction of a second to eternity." - Unknown
"We don't know 1/10 of 1% about nothing." - Albert Einstein
"Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again." - Marin County newspaper's TV listing for "The Wizard of Oz"
"It is not length of life, but depth of life." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants." - A. Whitney Brown
"Don't thrust your fingers through your own paper lantern,"
"Do not burn down your house even to annoy your chief wife's mother."
- Chinese Proverbs equivalent to, "Don't cut off your nose to spite your
face".
"For the record, there was no sock. No sock, no ballet slipper, no nothing. That was all me baby"- Leif Garret on his tight leather pants
"The rules have changed. True power is held by the person who possesses the largest bookshelf, not gun cabinet or wallet." -- Anthony J. D'Angelo, The College Blue Book
"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" - David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urging for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
"Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't." - Mark Twain
"The people who oppose your ideas the most are those who represent the establishment that your ideas will upset." - Anthony J. D'Angelo, The College Blue Book
"The usefulness of a cup is in its emptiness." - Chinese Proverb
Quotes From T.V./ The Education System
"Probably our favorite pastime... it's not baseball, it's bitching about our governent, and thats a great thing, we should never lose that"- My American Institutions Teacher
"In short, America has a two-party system, because America has a two-party system"- Magruder's American Government Text Book
"Don't look into vessels of boiling liquid"- advice from The Manufacturing Chemist's Association Inc.
"Remember last summer when it was all cold, and your like 'Man, I wish it was hotter'... well how do you feel now dumbass!?- John Stuart, the Daily Show
"Ugh, sugar tarts. Havn't you ever heard the phrase 'you are what you eat'?"- Quinn
"Since the presentation is done early, I'm going to read you this book silently to myself"- Mr. (something) from Strangers With Candy
"If you remember one thing today, it's buy some fondu"- I have no idea who said this. I just wrote it down.
"It's a scientific fact. People and Scooby don't just disappear."- Thelma, from Scooby Doo
"I've had him for 3 years, but I couldn't think of a name for him. Nothing seemed to fit. The only thing I could think of was 'small dog with whom
I live a lie'"- I forgot his name, from Kids in the Hall
"Well, the truth is usually just an excuse for a lack of
imagination." - Garak, 'Deep Space Nine'
"In light of the recent tradegy on September 11, Will has decided to
become asshole"
-Alex Borstein, Mad TV
"Aw, you made the coffe naked didn't you?...All the labors of some
poor columbiam boy tainted by your perversion."
-Dave Foley, Kids in the Hall.
Quotes By My Friends That You Probably Won't Think Are That Funny Because You Weren't There
"Ok, one more cheeze-it and your gonna be fat"- Jennifer B.
"I'm an extra value virgin meal supersized"- Jennifer B. on being a Virgo
"Virgos are people too"- Jennifer
"Your in my aura. No your beyond in my aura. Get out of my aura. Ok, your raping my aura!"- Natasha
"Maybe it's some kind of weird allergy that came to you in your 17th year"- Chelsea on the relationship between paint and my sudden sneazing attack
"The conformist way of bending knees"- me
"He's cool because he runs everywhere and jumps on things"- me talking about my friend Brandon L.
"I was trying to... what do you call it... HIT somebody"- I think Jennifer B., I forgot to write down who said it.
"Hey! I paid like an arm and a leg and a buck for that!"- Kerri
"There's this lady and she really really loves her monkey..." Michelle
"Woah, there are all these people running into me"- Chelsea in a near empty hallway after spending far too much time in the art room around paint fumes.
"I swear someone with a beanie is gonna walk by and kick my ass"- me
"When normal people eat and drink, it flows down their esophogus. My body decides to rebel against nature and inhale it just to see
what happens"- Kerri
"I have a problem functioning like a normal human being. I havn't quite mastered the technique of living"- Kerri
"Firey Cheeto... went down the wrong... tube"- Andrew choking
"I don't cut class, I just don't go"- Chelsea
"Ricky Martin should shake his bon-bon off a cliff and take Brittany Spears with him!"- Jennifer M.
"So, what's a girl like you doing in a place like this?"- me freaking people out in the women's restroom
"Jennifer, I'm not gonna play these bathroom games with you" me scolding Jennifer B. in the women's restroom
"We have entirely too much fun in the bathroom"- me in the women's restroom... again
"I believe in the fact that... people are stupid"- Samantha on her belief system
"If you are so concerned about saving the trees, then wipe your ass with a spotted owl!"- Kerri on toilette paper and the hipocrisy of enviornmentalists
"Havn't you ever heard the phrase 'get the hell away from me'?"- Daria, from the show Daria
