Disclaimer: I'm taking out huge student loans—does that sound like something I'd do if I owned the X-Men? I didn't think so… I don't own Holiday Inn, either, and I'm sure they wouldn't be too happy with my use of them in this story. "Torn" is preformed by Natalie Imbruglia and can be found on her album Left of the Middle.

Rating: R (strong R…sexual situations. Not really NC-17 level I don't think, but it's still there. Read with caution.)

Summary: What if there were no mutants? Would Rogue be able to touch or would something still prevent her from letting anyone close? (Movieverse, AU)

Author's Note: The last fic I wrote was funny and relatively angst-free, so I guess this is my angsty muse trying to re-assert herself. Basically, this story is just sort of me venting.

Feedback and Archiving: Feedback would be much appreciated, but please don't flame this one. If you want to flame something of mine, I have plenty of others you could pick on, but doing it to this one would be cruel and heartless… Archive where ever you want, just let me know where you're posting it. My email address is addie_logan@yahoo.com.

Shameless Webpage Plug: https://www.angelfire.com/scifi/addielogan

 

A Cheap-Plastic Barbie

By: Addie Logan

 

I thought I saw a man brought to life
He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
He showed me what it was to cry
Well you couldn't be that man I adored
You don't seem to know, seem to care what your heart is for
 I don't know him anymore
There's nothing where he used to lie
My conversation has run dry
That's what's going on,

Nothing's fine I'm torn
I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You're a little late, I'm already torn

So I guess the fortune teller's right
Should have seen just what was there and not some holy light
But you crawled beneath my veins and now
I don't care, I have no luck, I don't miss it all that much
There's just so many things that I can't touch, I'm torn

I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You're a little late, I'm already torn. Torn.

There's nothing where he used to lie
My inspiration has run dry
That's what's going on, nothing's right, I'm torn

I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel
I'm cold and I'm ashamed bound and broken on the floor
You're a little late, I'm already torn

*** *** ***

Marie had been with David for almost two years. Since the beginning, he'd wanted sex. She hadn't been ready. But when it had started getting time for their senior prom, she'd started to consider the possibility. At least if she lost her virginity on prom night it would be a special occasion, a night to remember.

When she brought it up to David, he'd been thrilled. He'd been begging her forever, and she was finally giving in. They made a plan to tell their parents they were going to the school-sponsored after prom, then rent a hotel room.

As the day got closer, Marie got nervous, but she told herself she was ready. After all, she loved David. And she had just turned eighteen. The nervousness was just her getting the jitters, nothing important.

She kept telling herself that was all.

*** *** ***

Something about the hotel room was foreboding. It hadn't been what Marie had expected. David had promised he'd take herself somewhere nice. He'd taken her to a Holiday Inn Express. She thought about the commercials where people suddenly thought they knew how to do everything because they'd stayed in a Holiday Inn Express. She had to bit her lip to stop from giggling hysterically at the thought, especially in light of her current situation.

David was sitting on the edge of one of the twin beds. "You still want to do this?" he asked.

Marie nodded. She wasn't really sure, but she'd gotten this far. She'd built up her resolve and promised herself she'd go through with this. No point in turning back.

He stood up and started to undress. "Take off your clothes and get on the bed."

Marie's eyes widened at that. She'd expected more. What, she wasn't sure, but some type of preliminaries. She stood completely still, not knowing what to do.

David slipped off his pants. "So are you just going to stand there? I thought you wanted to do this, Marie."

"I do." Marie's voice was so timid she was barely sure she'd even spoken.

"Then come on. No point in just staring at the bed."

"You told yourself that you'd do this," Marie reminded herself. "You can't turn back now." Besides, what would David think if she suddenly changed her mind? He'd been waiting for her for a while now…

She slipped off her prom dress, hose, and shoes, and stood beside the bed in nothing but her underwear—something she'd bought special for the occasion, since her normal cotton panties just didn't seem appropriate. David was already lying on the bed. He looked annoyed.

"Come on, Marie," he said. "You still want to do this, don't you?"

Marie nodded again. "But shouldn't we…"

He cut her off. "If you want to do this, come on. You just standing there isn't going to do any good."

Marie finished stripping and lay down next to David. The lights were blaring in her eyes and she felt cold laying on the covers. He took her hand and placed it on him. The texture of his skin there felt foreign to her, and Marie snatched her hand away, crossing her arms self-consciously across her chest. David pried her hand away and put it back on him.

He clumsily groped at her breasts, but Marie felt more embarrassed than aroused. Part of her was screaming for this to stop, but she didn't say anything. How would David react if she told him now that she had changed her mind, that she wasn't enjoying this? Could she end it now that they'd already started?

David pulled away, slipped on a condom, and rolled on top of her. It hurt. He was heavy, covered in sweat, and Marie felt like she couldn't breath. It wasn't supposed to be like that. She'd thought about her first time before, and never imagined it to be so unpleasant. It had to get better. If this was all there was to sex, no one would ever want to do it.

David shuddered then pulled out, and Marie felt a mixture of relief and disappointment. It was over, but she hadn't felt anything. She'd wanted more than that. And now without David she felt cold and alone. "David?"

He tossed her the t-shirt he'd worn under his tux. "Here, you can sleep in this."

Marie nodded numbly and slipped the shirt on along with her underwear. David put on his boxers and pulled down the covers, getting into bed. "Marie?"

Marie climbed in next to David. She cuddled next to him, wrapping her arms around him and resting her head on his chest. She felt better then. Maybe the sex hadn't been what she'd wanted, but if he held her…

"Come on, woman, roll over."

Marie felt even worse. He was pushing her away. He rolled her over and put his arm across her waist, making her feel like she was pinned to the bed. She couldn't breathe again, and she felt overly hot.

"Your feet are too cold," he grumbled. Somehow that was worse than anything else. She felt like she'd disappointed him, like after all the waiting it was just a waste of his time.

Marie heard David snoring moments later, but she couldn't sleep. She just lay awake crying silently until the sun came up.

*** *** ***

Around six the next morning, the alarm clock blared and Marie jumped up. David stirred in the bed. He got up and started to get dressed. "I better get you home before your father kills me," David said. "Give me my shirt back."

Marie took it off and put it on the bed, her arms immediately going up to cover her breasts. She noticed a second later that he wasn't paying her any attention. She mechanically put her dress back on. When she'd put it on before the prom, she'd felt like a princess, all dressed up for a ball. Now she just felt like Cinderella after midnight.

David looked over and saw that she was dressed. "Come on," he said, heading for the door. Marie followed him. They went down to the lobby to check out and Marie stood beside David at the counter, pulling her arms close to her chest self-consciously. She knew everyone who saw her knew exactly what they'd been doing there. Two kids in a hotel dressed in prom clothes—wasn't exactly hard to figure out. She could almost feel them judging her, branding her a whore. She wanted to find somewhere to hide.

David took Marie's hand to walk out of the hotel with her, and she pulled away from him. She suddenly couldn't stand the feel of his touch. His skin felt clammy, and it made her stomach churn. David frowned, but didn't say anything.

He led her to his old, primer-colored car and she got in. Marie suddenly felt like one of those Barbie knock-offs you get at the grocery store—the ones made of cheap plastic that fall apart all the time. She wasn't any type of prom princess who'd look back with happy nostalgia at her magical night for the rest of her life, nor was David's car anywhere near a carriage or limo.

He didn't say anything to her on the drive home, and once they got to her driveway she just grabbed her purse and ran inside, not even looking back at David. Marie walked past her parents, who were sitting at the breakfast table, not hearing her mother ask how her prom night was. As soon as she got to her room, she pulled off her dress and climbed into bed, pulling the covers up to her chin.

*** *** ***

Marie woke up a few hours later with a sick feeling building in her stomach. She ran to the bathroom, holding her hand over her mouth. She threw up, then sank down to the floor beside the toilet, hot tears spilling down her cheeks. She remembered something that one of David's friends had said once: "sex doesn't count if it makes you throw up afterwards." She laughed humorously. Did that mean sex with David didn't count?

Marie knew it did. She'd given up her virginity and in its place she had a prom night she wanted to forget. She brushed her teeth and walked back to her room, putting on a t-shirt and a pair of boxer shorts. She got back in her bed and stared up at the ceiling, willing herself to wake up and find that it was all just a dream.

About an hour later, her mother knocked on the door. "Yeah?" she called.

"David's on the phone, honey."

"Tell him I'm asleep."

"That's what I told him when he called three hours ago. Come on, answer the phone. I'm sure he just wants to talk about the memories you two kids made prom night."

Marie didn't miss the irony in her mother's words. "Fine, I'll talk on the phone in here." She picked up the phone. "Hello?" She heard a phone somewhere else in the house hang up, and she knew she had privacy. "David?"

"Hey, Marie."

"Uh, hey."

She waited for him to say something about the previous night, to at least mention it, to ask her how she felt about it.

"So you wanna grab a bite to eat or something?"

Marie's jaw dropped. His tone was so casual. Was he going to act like nothing had happened? Did it mean that little to him? "I'm not really in the mood to go out right now, David," Marie said.

"All right. See you Monday at school then." Marie heard a click, and then a dial tone.

Marie hung up her phone and curled back up in her blankets, clutching a teddy bear that David had once given her.

*** *** ***

The next week at school, Marie found herself avoiding David. She felt a sense of panic every time she saw him in the hall and would run the other direction, even if it took her farther away from her class. She stopped returning his phone calls, and made lame excuses every time he tried to get her to go out with him somewhere. She knew her sudden fear of being around him was ridiculous, but she felt out of control.

Marie blamed herself for her feelings concerning prom night. David seemed fine with it—hadn't even felt the need to bring it up. If he didn't want to talk about it, should she? Was there even anything to talk about? She'd agreed to having sex, even been the one to bring up that they should do it prom night. If she didn't like it, wasn't it her fault?

Marie had always been shy, but suddenly she'd stopped talking almost completely—even to her closest friends. They began to notice the way she'd act whenever David was around, and even at the mere mention of his name. But Marie kept telling everyone nothing was wrong.

She told herself nothing was wrong.

*** *** ***

"Marie, you can't keep avoiding me."

"I'm not avoiding you." Marie regretted picking up the phone. She wished she'd looked at her caller ID. Now here she was, talking to David. Her heart was beating faster, her cheeks felt flushed, and her hands were like ice. She was shaking, and it was hard for her to breathe.

"Bull shit, Marie. You've barely said word one to me in almost a month."

"I've been really busy. With graduation coming up, I've…"

"Do you want to break up with me?"

David's question took her by surprise. Even with how she'd been feeling around him recently, she hadn't really considered the possibility of breaking up with him. She didn't want that…did she? "No," Marie said softly.

"Then go out with me. Pay attention to me. I can't just sit around waiting for you to decide it's time for you to get your head out of the clouds. I have a life, you know. With school and work, if I want to have any time with you at all, I have to squeeze it in, and you're not making that easy now since I never know what's up with you."

"I've just had a lot on my mind recently, David."

David sighed. "Look, let's just go out Friday, all right? I don't have to work that night. We can catch a movie or something."

Marie felt boxed into a corner. In all honesty, she had been avoiding him. And what right did she have to be mad at him over prom night? She had told him she'd wanted it, and she'd never told him to stop. "All right. I think I'm free Friday."

"Good. Talk to you later then."

"Yeah, talk to you later."

*** *** ***

Marie glanced over at the speedometer on David's car. It maxed out at fifty-five. She wondered if that was too fast for her to jump out and roll onto the grass. The last time she'd been in his car was riding back from the hotel, and that was bringing back too many memories.

She felt like a cheap plastic Barbie again, easily broken and just as easily stuck back together again. Made up to look like her more-expensive counterpart, but never able to be anywhere near the same.

Every time she looked at David she remembered him on top of her, remembered the feel of being crushed by him. She didn't want to be here. She fought to slow her heartbeat, she fought to breathe.

He wanted to hold her hand during the movie. She tried to focus her attention on the screen. She drowned out everything around her except what was on the screen, ignoring the sense of panic she got from David being so near.

After their date, he walked her to her door. Marie could tell he was going to kiss her and she wanted to get away, but she just froze. As soon as his lips touched hers, she felt sick. She pushed him away and ran into her house as quickly as she could.

*** *** ***

David called Marie the next day and told her he was coming over and there was nothing she could say to make him stay home. She reluctantly agreed.

Marie was waiting for David on her front porch when he got there. He got out of his car and walked over to her, looking down at her sitting on the steps. "Can I sit?" he asked.

She shrugged and he sat down beside her. "What's going on? And don't tell me you're fine, or you've just been busy, or any shit like that. You barely even talked to me last night—not to mention the past month. What's your problem, 'Rie?"

Marie knew she couldn't keep it from him anymore. She stared down at her hands, unable to look him in the face. "It's prom night."

David let out a deep breath. "I thought maybe it was."

"I didn't enjoy it."

"I know."

Somehow that only made Marie feel worse. He knew? He knew she wasn't enjoying it and didn't even do anything about it? It had been her first time, wasn't he supposed to want to take care of her or something? That's the way it always was in books, in movies. If he loved her, wouldn't he want it to be as good for her as possible? She was crying now.

"You know, it wasn't so great for me either, Marie."

She looked up at him in shock. "What?"

"Come on, you think I could enjoy having sex with someone with all the energy of a plank of wood? Dammit, Marie, you just laid there the whole time!"

Marie started crying harder. "I didn't know what to do! I figured if you wanted me to do something else you would've said something!"

"Why? You obviously didn't tell me that you wanted me to do something else."

"I didn't know what I wanted you to do," Marie tried to explain. "I just wanted you to do something that felt good."

"How am I supposed to know what that is if you don't tell me?"

"I don't know! I don't even know what it would be! I just thought maybe you'd take the time to help me figure it out!"

"Maybe if you were interesting in bed I'd have the energy to!"

"Maybe if you didn't suck in bed I'd be interesting!"

"Maybe I wouldn't suck if you put some effort into it!"

Marie felt herself growing defensive. Why was he turning this completely around on her? She was shaking, her breath coming in shallow gasps. "Well maybe if you had any semblance of a dick, I'd be interested!"

Both Marie and David looked shocked that she'd said that. She hadn't even meant it. David was definitely nowhere near large, but that hadn't been the problem. She'd just wanted to hurt him, to strike back at the insults he was slinging at her. She'd been nervous that night, and her shyness had overtaken her. He was supposed to be there for her, supposed to take care of her.

Marie felt her anger building back up as quickly as it had faded. She stood up, trying in vain to stop her tremors. "You treated me like a whore," she told him. "You didn't even notice my underwear."

David stood up and looked down at her. "Your underwear? What does that have to do with anything? Look, you said you wanted to have sex prom night, Marie, and that's what we did. I don't see why you're freaking out about it now."

"Because what happed prom night wasn't what I wanted!"

"Maybe you should've been a little more clear on what you wanted then."

Marie bit her lip to keep herself from crying. "I thought you loved me enough to want to make it good for me."

"I do love you."

Marie forced herself to stay calm. Breaking down into hysterics wouldn't do her any good. "The first thing you did was tell me to strip and get on the bed. That's the way you treat a prostitute—not your girlfriend, not someone you love."

"Marie…"

Marie didn't want to hear anything else from him. "There's a little thing called foreplay, David. Why don't you try it with the next girl you fuck." She stormed back into her house, slamming and locking the door behind her. As soon as she was safely inside, she burst into tears.

*** *** ***

"Marie, you broke up with David over two months ago. Isn't it time you got over him?"

Marie looked at her best friend, Kristie. "I am over him."

Kristie snorted. "Riiight. Which is why you haven't had a single date all summer. Come on, we're both going to start college soon. You don't want to go a virgin do you?"

Marie tried to hide her blush. She'd tried to tell Kristie what happened with David, but she hadn't built up the nerve. "I'm not going to have sex with some guy I barely even know."

"So come out with us tonight and get to know him. Trust me, he's one of Danny's best friends and he's a really sweet guy. Would I set you up with a total loser?"

"I don't know, would you?"

"No. Marie, just give me the benefit of the doubt here, all right girl? We've been best friends since we were in diapers. By now you have to know I wouldn't put you in a situation that would get you hurt."

"What about the time you talked me into trying to get our ball from Mr. Benson's yard by climbing that tree?"

"That wasn't so dangerous…"

"I broke my arm!"

Kristie smiled. "That's because you're a klutz."

"I was attacked by a squirrel."

"Whatever you say, Marie. Look, crazed squirrels and broken arms aside, just come out with us tonight, okay? I promise you'll like this guy."

Marie sighed. "Fine, Kris. I'll do it. But just because it's you asking."

Kristie squealed with delight. "You won't regret it, Marie, I promise."

Somehow, Marie wasn't so sure.

*** *** ***

The guy Kristie had found for Marie turned out not to be so bad. His name was Josh, and he'd just finished his freshman year of college at the same place Marie was planning to attend. He was tall with dark blonde hair and green eyes, and he had a good sense of humor. They got along, and things were going well between them.

Until he touched her.

It wasn't much of a touch. He just rested his hand on her bare arm. Marie felt herself go rigid. She felt the same type of nervousness she'd had every time she'd been around David since prom night. She pulled her arm away from Josh as if she'd been shocked. He gave her a puzzled look, but just put his hand back in his lap.

At the end of the night he tried to kiss her, but Marie turned away and mumbled a good-night. She didn't care if she hurt his feelings, made him feel rejected. All she knew was she couldn't let him touch her.

She knew how easily a touch could break her, and she wasn't sure how many times she could be put back together before she was broken for good.

Marie never wanted to be touched again.