Disclaimer: I don't own X-Men Evolution. If you
thought otherwise, well, I'm really sorry to burst your pretty little bubble.
"Sk8ter Boi" is sung by Avril Lavigne. I thank God every day that I don't
own any of her songs. If I did, I'd have to lock myself in a dark room in shame
because her wannabe punk crap is the most awful thing I've ever heard in my
life. Joey Ramone is rolling over in his grave. *end rant*
Rating: PG-13 (for hilarity and shenanigans)
Summary: Like Kitty loves Lance, but Jean and
Xavier are evil, and for like, no reason at all, she thinks she might be in
love with Pietro! (Spoof, humor)
Author's Note: No offense to people that actually write
fanfics like this, but I felt like writing a little spoof of nine-tenths of the
Evo fanfics I see on fanfiction.net. Don't get all irritated with me, cause
hey, if you can't laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at? And for all you guys
you don't write fics like this, but find yourself reading them anyway, you know
you were thinking it, too.
Feedback and Archiving: If you want to put this on a PERSONAL
WEBSITE, then go ahead. Just let me know where. If you want to post it at
fanfction.net or any other similar site under your pen name and not mine, then
no. I don't care if you do put my name with yours. No. I will never allow it.
Try it, and I will write you a really nasty email and call you mean names. So
there. As for feedback, I live on it. It's almost as good as chocolate. Almost.
I can be reached through email at addie_logan@yahoo.com
Shameless Website Plug: If you thought this was funny, I got more!
(If you didn't, I swear this is the worst thing I've ever written, and I have
much, much better fics.) Either way, you can read the rest of my work at https://www.angelfire.com/scifi/addielogan.
And for added incentive, you can also see my pathetic attempt at fanart!
Like, I Think I'm in Love
with You!
(A Lancitty Fanfiction)
By: Addie Logan
***
*** ***
He was a
boy
She was a girl
Can I make it any more obvious
He was a punk
She did ballet
What more can I say
He wanted her
She'd never tell
Secretly she wanted him as well
But all of her friends
Stuck up their nose
They had a problem with his baggy clothes
He was a skater boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn't good enough for her
She had a pretty face
But her head was up in space
She needed to come back down to earth
Five years from now
She sits at home
Feeding the baby she's all alone
She turns on TV
Guess who she sees
Skater boy rockin' up MTV
She calls up her friends
They already know
And they've all got tickets to see his show
She tags along
Stands in the crowd
Looks up at the man that she turned down
He was a skater boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn't good enough for her
Now he's a superstar
Slamming on his guitar
Does your pretty face see what he's worth?
Sorry girl but you missed out
Well tough luck that boy's mine now
We are more than just good friends
This is how the story ends
Too bad that you couldn't see,
See the man that boy could be
There is more that meets the eye
I see the soul that is inside
He's just a boy
And I'm just a girl
Can I make it any more obvious
We are in love
Haven't you heard
How we rock each other's world
I'm with the skater boy
I said see you later boy
I'll be backstage after the show
I'll be at a studio
Singing the song we wrote
About a girl you used to know
Kitty Pryde lay back on her overly
pink bed, in her half fluffy, half Goth room. Because of course, she and Rogue
could not possibly agree on anything, especially interior decorating. She
sighed, turning up her radio. "This song is like, so totally Lance."
Rogue stopped her constant
self-pity long enough to look over at Kitty. "But Lance isn't a skater,
Kitty. He's like some trashy rock god wannabe. I mean, if anyone on this show
is a skater boy, it's Evan, but I surely doubt he'd amount to anything as a pop
star. I mean, he can't even manage to be a popular cartoon character."
Kitty blinked. "Cartoon
character? Show? And where's your unreadable Southern accent."
Rogue sighed. "Uh, sorry.
Ah'll try hahdah from noah on."
Kitty got off the bed and began to
pace, managing not to trip in her chunky heel flip-flops. After all, they were
special flip-flops, made of unstable molecules that allowed her to run around
and fight the forces of evil and never fall flat on her face. Handy little
buggers they were. "But Rogue, it's like so true! And I'm like the
horrible girl in the song! Omigod, I'm going to end up some lonely housewife
forced to watch Lance on MTv!"
Rogue just flopped back on her bed.
"Can ya go have ya existential crisis somewhere else, pleahse? Ah'm too
busy pinin' over Scott. Or is it Remy? Is this a Romy?"
Kitty rolled her eyes. "Duh.
Didn't you like, read the title? It's a Lancitty! That means it's all about
me."
"And Lance. Because Lancitty
is a clevah combination of ya names."
"So, like, what does that make
a fic about you and Scott? A Rott?"
"I prefer Scogue."
"That sounds like a
disease."
Rogue was about to come back with a
witty retort when there was a knock at the door. Kitty went to answer it,
tossing her ponytail happily.
Kurt bounded into the room, dressed
in a tuxedo and carrying a dozen red roses. "Oh Kitty, my love," he
said, falling to his knees in front of her. "Say you vill run avay vith
me!"
"Kurt! Like, what's wrong with
you? This is a Lancitty, not a Kurtty! Kurtties are like, so first season! Just
like my Valley Girl accent!"
"But chicks dig the fuzzy
dude!"
"Kurt, you're like, cutting
into my Lance angst! You're supposed to be doing something stupid with Scott or
one of the new recruits!"
"Oh. Sorry, Kitty. Call me if
this turns into a Kurtty. Guten Tag!" Kurt bamfed away with a puff
of stinky smoke.
Kitty turned back to Rogue. "I
like, have to get to the Brotherhood house and tell Lance all about my undying devotion.
We are like, so meant to be!"
"Whatevah. Ah'm angstin' about
Scott and Remy simultaneously. Oooh! Time for a random y'all. And double points
if ah spell it ya'll or use it to refer to one person! Cause everyone's a
schizophrenic like me!"
Kitty ignored Rogue and ran out
into the hallway, but was stopped by Jean and Professor Xavier. They had angry
eyebrows, like Trogdor the Burninator.
"We are aware of what you are
planning, Miss Pryde, and we have to stop you. Just because," Xavier said.
"We must meddle," Jean
added. "We are total jerks and have no lives of our own. No, we must get
in your business and make sure you are miserable. It's our one true joy in
life."
Professor Xavier clasped his hands
together like a Bond villain. "Yes. Although I once took Avalanche in, and
have never really actively discouraged your feelings for him, I must go
psychotic now and do everything in my power to prevent you from ever speaking
to him again."
"No!" Kitty cried.
"And, like, how did you know my plans?"
"Because we are
telepaths," Xavier said. "And despite the fact that I claim to be
against just randomly reading people's minds for my own personal gain—wrote a
book on the subject, in fact—I do it all the time. Especially in order to ruin
the love life of my students." Xavier laughed maniacally.
Xavier's laugh stopped abruptly,
and Kitty suddenly became a very self-assured type person. She stood really,
really straight, and magically aged at least a good five years. "Professor
Xavier, I understand your concern, but I will not give up on my sudden desire
to reconcile with Lance, even though up until this point I have been all
wishy-washy, and at times downright mean to him. I have come to the conclusion
that he is the man for me and nothing, not even you and Jean, will stand in my
way. Now good day to you."
Jean glared more. So did Xavier.
"Be wary, Kitty. I could go crazy at any moment and do something quite bad
to you. I know it is not mentioned in the spiffy title, which denotes this as
merely a Lancitty, but the summary makes it quite clear that it is also an
anti-Xavier fic, with a minor role played by Bitch!Jean. Therefore, I am a
self-righteous prick who will do anything to stand in your way. See, I am a
plot device, used to prolong this fic, because you and Lance don't have enough
problems on your own to keep you apart."
"I will not be swayed by any
plot device! I'm leaving!"
"Fine. But I'll be
waaaaiting."
Kitty ran from the mansion and all
the way to the Brotherhood boarding house, since the actual distance between
the two has never been mentioned, but is assumed in most fanfiction to be right
down the street.
Pietro answered the door. Kitty
felt her breath still in her chest. "I never realized how handsome he
is!" she thought. "Those little antenna looking things on his
head make me weak in the knees!"
"What do you want?"
Pietro asked quickly. Because he's quick. So everything he does is done
quickly. But that has to be stated. A lot. In case you forget.
"I…I…" Kitty forgot why
she was there.
"She's here to talk to me,
Fast Guy," Lance said, looking all intimidating-like. "See, this is a
Lancitty. So Kitty and I are going to fall madly in love in the face of
adversity. Just like Romeo and Juliet."
"They died, Lance,"
Pietro said. Quickly. Speedily. With great haste.
"Yeah, whatever," Lance
said. "Anyway, Pretty Kitty, let's go on a really sappy date to some place
I wouldn't be caught dead in."
Kitty clapped her hands together
and jumped up and down. "Oooh! How about that magical ice-cream shop where
everyone we know shows up to torment us! It's just like the one in Grease!"
"That works for me, Kitty.
Let's go so I can rock your world."
"Lance said the line!"
Toad yelled as he bounded into the room with shot glasses for all.
"Evolution drinking game!"
"You know, Lance, if you
didn't say that so much, I wouldn't be drunk quite as often," Tabitha
said.
"What are you doing here
anyway?" Lance asked. "And besides, you also have to drink every time
you wear something gaudy."
"I am a tasteful dresser, Mr.
'Holes in my Clothes Didn't Go Out with Seattle Grunge Rock.' And I'm here
because continuity has no place in fanfics, and I'm back with the Brotherhood.
So there."
"Oh. Okay. So, Kitty, are you
coming?"
Kitty glanced longingly at Pietro.
"Yes."
Lance and Kitty then went to the
magical ice cream shop. And shared a banana split. Lance even let her have the
cherry. Awww.
"So now what?" Lance
asked as they finished their ice cream.
"We sit here and wait for all
the people against our relationship to show up," Kitty said.
"Oh. I thought that line was
people waiting for a waffle cone."
Kurt ran to their table, still
holding his bouquet of roses from earlier. "Kitty, please, I love you! I
vill be so happy if you vill be mine!"
"Kurt, I like, told you, this
isn't a Kurtty!"
"But can't we change it?"
"Um, Kurt, you said a 'w'
there."
"Oh, thank you, Lance."
Kurt looked back at Kitty.
"But can't ve change it?" He turned to Lance and whispered.
"That better?"
"Much."
"No! Lancitty! Lancitty,
Lancitty, Lancitty!"
"Fine. I vill go and find
Amanda and someone can make a Kurmanda. Or is it a Amurt?"
Kurt walked off, mumbling to
himself.
Wanda appeared next, throwing
herself on Lance. "Lance, I want you! See, now that Tabitha's gone, I'm
the only woman on the Brotherhood, and therefore, I must be your love interest!
Don't you see, Lance!" Random things began to fly around the room.
"It's you or Toad, and he's smelly!"
"Um, Wanda, Tabitha reappeared
on the Brotherhood by fanfiction magic. Your logic is now flawed," Lance
said.
"Oh." Everything stopped
flying around. "Sorry to bother you then. I'll go in the corner and look
torn."
Colossus was next in line. "My
Katya, even though we have barely spoken in this show, I feel a deep love for
you due to our sorry excuse for a relationship in the X-Men comicbooks. Love
me, please."
"I'm not even beginning to
entertain that," Kitty said.
"Why not?"
"Because the author won't
allow it," Kitty replied. "She thinks you're a big idiot and only
brought you into this fanfic so everyone can point at you and laugh at your
stupid hair."
The entire cast of X-Men
Evolution (and a random monkey) then surrounded Colossus, pointing at his
stupid hair and laughing. They then walked away.
"My hair! Lance has a
mullet!" Colossus exclaimed.
"Hey, dude, lay off the mullet,"
Lance said, the ground beginning to shake. "I've had it since the first
time I saw Queensryche. The front may conform to society, but the back says I
have personality, even if it's really, really bad." (And if you're a fan
of the Vandals, you are now laughing. Otherwise, you're probably just
confused.)
"Look," Kitty said.
"A mullet is forgivable, but your weirdo buzz cut thing is just not
working for me. Leave. This is not a Kitor. Do not make me state again that
this is a Lancitty."
"Fine," Colossus said,
his head hanging in shame. "I will return to my farm in Russia where no
one will laugh at me and my hair."
Lance rubbed his hands together.
"So who's up next?"
Scott approached the table with his
Serious Leader Face™. "I disapprove of this relationship on the grounds
that I now declare Lance my rival. So there."
"Are you sure you aren't
jealous?" Kitty asked. "I mean, like, there are a million fanfics
where your resentment towards Lance is just a cover for your attraction to him.
Is this one of those?"
"Uh, no."
"Oh, so this is one of the
ones where you hate Lance because you see in him your darker side and fear that
by confronting Lance you will be forced to deal with the fact that maybe you
aren't all perfect battle plans and J. Crew, hmmm?"
"It's true!" Scott cried.
"My life is a lie." He then ran from the restaurant to commit
Japanese ritual suicide. Or maybe just to console himself with a big bowl of
Rocky Road. I'm really not sure which.
Jean sauntered up to the table.
"I'm here to make my own protest."
Kitty rolled her eyes. "This
is getting like totally old. It's turning into one of those SNL skits that was
funny five minutes ago, but is now just a chance to go get something from the
kitchen."
"I'm the last one," Jean
said. "Xavier is waiting back at the mansion to scold you when you get
home."
"Great."
"Anyway, back to my
meddling." Jean flipped her fabulous hair. "See, I am perfect, and
can see Lance is going to ruin your life. So instead of being a supportive
friend, I am going to bitch a lot and make your life hell."
"Um, that's not very
helpful…"
"Of course it isn't."
Jean then threw a drink on Kitty.
"Like, what was that
for?"
"Absolutely nothing! I'm
Bitch!Jean! I had a total fanfic personality makeover where I'm all
psychotic!" Jean laughed evilly.
Kitty stood up to her full height,
which was still abnormally short and way out of proportion with half the other
characters on the show. "I won't let you stand in our way, Jean! I love
Lance and he loves me, and I will never, ever leave him, and we will be
together forever, because this is a Lancitty, and we are meant to be!"
Jean suddenly softened, and leaned
over to hug Kitty. "Oh Kitty, your beautiful speech has shown me the error
of my ways. Please forgive me!"
Kitty hugged Jean back, tears in
her eyes. "Of course I will! You can even, like, be a bridesmaid at our
wedding!"
"Wedding, what wedding?"
"Shut up, Lance," Kitty
snapped. "You don't have any say in this."
"Sorry."
Jean ran off, and Kitty and Lance
left, too. Lance held her hand and felt all tingly and happy. Awww again.
"So what made you decide to
fall in love with me finally?" Lance asked as they walked home despite the
fact Lance has a car.
"I was moved by the wonderful
poetry of Avril Lavigne," Kitty said. "See, I heard 'Sk8ter Boi' on
the radio, and even though Rogue said that the song wasn't you, I thought it
like totally was."
"Of course it is! There's even
that line about rocking worlds, and I rock everyone's world!"
Kitty and Lance took a shot before
resuming their conversation. "Exactly!" Kitty said. "And I love
you because sappy music that's popular in junior highs across the nation always
has profound effects on people in fanfiction!"
"Oh Kitty, I'm so happy we're
together now, even though I have no clue how this will work since it never has
before…" Lance said.
"It will! Our love is strong
enough! Our love is forever!"
Lance kissed Kitty.
[Fade to black…]
A short time later….
"I have been waiting for you,
Miss Pryde." Xavier looked at her with the Disappointed Face™.
"You can't convince me not to
love Lance! I'll love him forever!"
Xavier frowned. "But you seem
to have forgotten the other plot device added to prolong your anguish! You are
torn between Lance and Pietro, despite you total lack of romantic feelings for Quicksilver
in any episode of this show!"
Kitty threw her arm over her
forehead dramatically. "Oh! Pietro! How could I have forgotten you and
your sexy antenna hair!" Kitty ran to her room to cry.
Xavier rolled away whistling.
Evilly.
Kitty ran through the door of her
bedroom. "Rogue! I need us to suddenly be best friends so I can cry on
your shoulder!"
Rogue sighed, putting down the
magazine she was reading. "What's wrong, sugah?"
Kitty and Rogue took a quick drink,
since Rogue saying "sugah" also warrants such an action. "I'm in
love with Lance and Pietro!"
"But this is a Lancitty!"
"I know! I'm confused!"
"What am ah supposed ta do
about it?"
"Listen to my angsty diatribe!
See, I'm torn because…" Kitty was cut off by a loud noise from the closet.
"What was that?"
"That was nothin'."
Kitty gave Rogue a wary look and
walked over to the closet. She opened the door and a half-dressed Pietro
stumbled out.
"Um, hi," he said
quickly. Cause that's how he talks. Quickly. Like Speedy Gonzales.
"Like, what are you doing
here?" Kitty demanded.
"See, um, turns out this isn't
a Romy or a, um…"
"Scogue."
"Thanks, Rogue. This is a
Rietro," Pietro said. (Quickly!)
"No it isn't!" Kitty
exclaimed. "It's a Lancitty! It's all about me!"
"It's a Lancitty with Rietro
undercurrents."
"That's not in the
title."
"It was shortened for tahme
constraints," Rogue tried explained.
"Tahme?" Kitty asked.
"Time."
"Oh, thanks."
"But now how are Lance and I
supposed to have angst?" Kitty asked.
Lance walked into the room.
"We have the angst from me not being good enough for you, Kitty. I have to
break up with you because of a newfound sense of honor so you can have someone
worthy of your greatness."
"Oh, Lance, please don't leave
me!" Kitty said, taking her hands in his. "You are like, such a great
guy! This is fanfiction, so you are like, the most wonderful potential
boyfriend ever!"
"That's right! How could I
have been so foolish as to forget? Kitty, my darling, I will never stray from
you again."
"Oh Lance!" Kitty
exclaimed, wrapping her arms around him. "This is like, the best ending to
a fic ever! Everyone R&R. Plz!"
"Wait!" Remy bounded in
through the window, looking rather snazzy. "Dere can't be a fic wit'out
Remy! I'm too hot."
Many little fangirls then ran into the
room, smothering Remy with a thousand kisses and squeals.
Rogue blinked. "So is the fic
over now?"
"Um, I think so," Kitty
said. "Lance and I are happy, after all."
"So if it's over," Pietro
said rapidly, "Can I have my pants back?"
***
*** ***
If anyone took offense to that
because it closely resembled their own writing, then I'm sorry. Also, I want to
say that I'm not really supporting or making fun of any one pairing in
particular, I'm just sort of poking fun of all of them. So if you're a rabid Kurtty
or Kietro fan, no nasty emails. It was all done in the spirit of fun. ^-^