Disclaimer: We take no responsibility for this fic.
The penguins made us do it…
Rating: F fer frickin' hilarious
Summary: Remy deals with the aftermath of his time
in
Author's Note: This is what happens when GambitGirl and Addie
Logan spend a week in a small apartment with lots of sugar and no sleep…
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to the illustrious Addie Logan at: addie_logan@yahoo.com
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De Penguins, De Penguins!
By: Addie Logan and
GambitGirl
***
*** ***
Remy woke up, still shaking, his
floppy hair falling in front of his red-on-black eyes. He'd had that dream
again. The one that had been plaguing him since Rogue had left him to die in
the frozen wasteland known as
He pulled the sheet tighter around
him, wishing he wasn't alone in the dark room. He needed someone to hold him…
Suddenly, Gambit heard a rustling
outside his window. He looked quickly to the side. He heard something. A
squawk.
Gambit got out of the bed.
"I'm an X-Man, and I'm not afraid of anyt'ing!" he said to himself.
He shivered.
"Reeemy…"
Remy looked up at the window. Two
beady yellow eyes were staring in at him. "Let me in, Remy," said a
demonic voice. "I have something I want to tell you…"
Remy let out a high pitched
screaming, running into the hallway and smack into Wolverine.
Wolverine stumbled backwards.
"What the hell is wrong with you, Gumbo?"
"I saw him, Logan! He's tryin'
to kill me! I jus' know it!"
"Him!"
"A name would be nice, Cajun.
I like ta know who I'm slashin' up."
"It's…" Gambit allowed
for a dramatic pause. "De Penguin."
Wolverine looked at Remy like he'd
just grown a second head. "The what?"
"De Penguin! He came after me
in
"Gambit, you sure Rogue didn't
hit ya in the head again?"
"Non! Remy tell de trut', homme."
"Remy, just go back to
bed."
"I can't! De Penguin." He
looked down. "Can I sleep wit' you?"
Wolverine jumped back. "Hell
no!"
"But I'm scared! An' Rogue say
if I sneak in her bed one more time she's gonna do somet'ing really, really bad
to me!"
"Can't be any worse than what
I'd do to ya, gumbo."
"But
Wolverine just shook his head and
rushed off to his own room.
Gambit curled up in a little ball
in the hallway.
"Remy?" Remy saw Storm looking down at him with
concern. It was morning. "Remy, why on earth are you sleeping on
the floor of the hallway?" Remy
decided not to tell the truth. He didn't
want Storm to think he was as nutty as Wolverine already did.
"Uh…it's good for de back,
chère. Gotta keep myself tough, ya
know?" Storm raised an eyebrow.
"Very well. I will let you get back to bed." She stepped over him and walked on. Remy stood up and anxiously opened the door
to his room. It was the same as it had
been before his horrible encounter the night before—messy but
penguin-free. He heaved a sigh of relief.
"It all a terrible
dream," he muttered to himself.
"Dat's all it was…"
"Gambit, why ya keep lookin'
around like a scared little rabbit?"
Gambit jumped and looked over at Rogue.
"Quoi, chère?" She put
her hands on her hips.
"Y'ain't done nothin' but look
over your shoulder all damn day. What're
you so afraid of?"
"Afraid, moi?" said Remy
with a feigned sense of incredulity.
"Gambit ain't afraid of not'in', chère!"
"Except the penguins," muttered Wolverine as he
walked past.
"Shut up, Wolverine!"
Gambit pouted.
"What did he say?"
demanded Rogue.
"Not'in', chère," said
Gambit hastily. Rogue tossed her
head.
"I'm goin' to the pool. You comin'?"
"Oui!" said Remy
happily. In the broad daylight, it was
easy to dismiss last night as nothing more than a freakish dream, brought on by
his traumatic memories of
Remy sat on the steps of the pool,
dangling his legs in the cool water and watched Rogue and she played water
volleyball with Storm, Jean, and Betsy. They were all wet and in bikinis. There
was bouncing. Life was good.
"Reeemy."
Remy froze. He was hearing things.
The Penguin was still back in
"Reeemy."
Remy turned slowly, Evil eyes were
watching him from the bushes. He jumped to his feet, slipping on the floor of
the pool, and smacking his head.
Everything went dark.
"Is he all right?"
"Is he breathing yet?"
"Remy, sugah, wake up!"
Remy opened his eyes to find himself
staring into red sunglasses. He panicked, pushing wildly at the person leaning
over him. "Get de hell off me, Scott!"
"You weren't breathing!"
Cyclops said. "I had to administer CPR."
"Next time jus' let me
die!"
Remy rubbed the back of his head.
"Ow…"
Rogue crouched down beside him,
making sure to tease Remy with a good view of her cleavage. "Sugah, are
you okay?"
Remy got up, backing away from her.
"You get a way from Remy! Dis is all your fault!"
Rogue gave him the hurt eyes. The
ones that made them look like gigantic green saucers. "What's all my
fault, Remy?"
"He's after me 'cause you left
me t'die in de snow!"
"The voices told me to!"
Rogue stopped and frowned. "Who's after you?"
Gambit looked down and whimpered.
"It's de Penguin, Rogue. He's been stalkin' me."
The X-men started blankly at Remy
for a minute before they all began to laugh. Remy glared. "See how funny
you find it when de Penguin comes for you!" He stormed huffily from the
pool.
"Remy, I'm very concerned
about you." Professor Xavier
regarded him kindly from behind his desk.
"I'm worried about me too,
Prof." Remy ran his hands through
his hair.
"These hallucinations are not
healthy."
"But de Penguin is
real!"
"Remy," said Xavier
sternly. "Penguins do not stalk
humans. They are not predatory
birds."
"Dey tried t'peck me when I
was dere, all by myself…and de Penguin was deir leader!" Xavier sighed.
"Remy, I want you to try and
relax," said Xavier. "I cannot
mindscan you to find the root of these visions, but if you are calm you will
have much more control over them."
"But…"
"No buts!" said
Xavier. "There are no penguins in
"Dere ain't no penguins,"
muttered Remy in a less than enthusiastic tone.
His head snapped up as the closet door behind Xavier opened and a beaked
head with small, beady eyes poked out.
"Reeemy…listen to my
voice…"
Remy screamed and ran from the
room.
Remy buried himself under his
blanket. No one could get him under there, no siree. He ignored the knock at
the door.
"Remy, sugah, please talk to
me. I'm worried about ya!"
"Go 'way! You'll let de
Penguin in!"
"Remy…" Rogue sighed,
ripping the doorknob off the door and came in his room. "Remy, what the
hell are you doing under a blanket?"
"It's my fort! No one can get
in!"
Rogue snatched the blanket off his
head. "Remy, for the last time, just because no one can see you doesn't
mean nothin' can hurt you."
Remy looked up at her, the most
serious expression she had ever seen him wear on his face. "It wants to
eat me."
Rogue rolled her eyes. "Remy,
really. Besides, I don't think penguins like gumbo."
"Not funny, chère."
"I know why you're makin' this
up, and I don't appreciate it. I already told you I'm sorry for listening to
the voices and leaving you to die in
"But it's true! De Penguin is
evil! His eyes shine red like de eyes of Satan!"
Rogue cocked an eyebrow. "Look
in the mirror recently, Rem?"
Gambit pouted. "My eyes are
sexy and smolderin'. His eyes are eeevil."
Rogue raised her arms.
"Whatever, Remy." She threw the blanket back over his head and
stormed out of the room.
Remy huddled under it.
"And in other news, a king
penguin escaped from the
Remy stopped short in front of the
den. Bobby was watching the news. "What…what was dat?"
Bobby looked around. "What was
what?"
"The television. What did it
just say?"
"Oh, some penguin went nuts
and escaped from the zoo last night."
Remy's face paled.
"It…did?"
"Yep," said Bobby.
Remy ran out of the room screaming,
and went back to his safe blanket.
Wolverine walked into the kitchen
and went to the refrigerator to get a beer.
If everyone in the mansion was going to go stone freaking nuts over
Remy's penguin phobia, he needed his Molson's.
The penguin cocked it's head and
looked up at him. Wolverine rapidly
slammed the fridge shut again.
"Okay," he said
slowly. "When I open the door, the
penguin will be gone." He slowly
opened the door, half-prepared to dice the big ugly bird to dog kibble.
There was nothing there but his
Molson's and a half-eaten pepperoni pizza.
Remy was frantically piling
furniture in front of the door of the boathouse. He figured it was the last safe place left on
the grounds. There was no way a penguin
could get through his barricade. Even
the minion of the Penguin that had escaped the zoo to come for him.
"Reeemy…" Remy whirled, two charged cards in his hands.
"MERDE!" he yelped as the penguin waddled towards him. He didn't know how it had gotten in, but that
was a moot point. It was going to finish
the job and peck out his eyes for the Penguin's perverse pleasure. "Go 'way!" he screamed at it. "Gambit not afraid of you no
more!"
"Reemy…I have a message for
you…" Remy swallowed hard.
"Den you best be givin' it
t'me before I blow you to de next dimension." The penguin paused and then reached behind it
with one flipper, producing a top hat and cane.
It set the hat on it's head and paused before breaking into a graceful
two-step.
He began to sing:
Some things in life are bad,
They can really make you mad,
Other things just make you swear and curse,
When you're chewing your life's gristle
Don't grumble, give a whistle,
And this'll help things turn out for the best,
And,
Always look on the bright side
of life
Always look on the light side
of life
If life seems jolly rotten,
There's something you've
forgotten,
And that's to laugh and smile
and dance and sing.
When you're feeling in the
dumps,
Don't be silly chumps.
Just purse your lips and
whistle. That's the thing.
And,
Always look on the bright side
of life
Always look on the right side
of life,
For life is quite absurd
And death's the final word
You must always face the
curtain with a bow
Forget about your sin
Give the audience a grin
Enjoy it. It's your last
chance, anyhow
So,
Always look on the bright side
of death,
At the maniacal
look on the penguin's face, Remy keeled over in a dead faint.
Just before you draw your
terminal breath.
Life's a piece of shit,
When you look at it
Life's a laugh and death's a
joke, it's true
You'll see it's all a show
Keep 'em laughing as you go
Just remember that the last
laugh is on you
And,
Always look on the bright side
of life
"Well, shit,"
The penguin just blinked.
When Remy came to, he was lying on
the couch in the boat house, with Rogue looking over him like a deranged
Florence Nightingale. "Where…where is he?"
"Squawk."
Remy jumped up. "He's still
here! De Penguin!"
"I'm here to take him away,
Mr. LeBeau."
Remy looked over to see a man in a
zookeeper uniform. "Den get de little freak outta de mansion! Please! Send
him back to de snowy hell from whence he came!"
The zookeeper took the penguin the
wing and led it into a cage. "I promise you, Mr. LeBeau, this penguin will
never bother you again."
As the penguin was wheeled out of
the boat house, he turned around a winked at Remy.
Remy went back to his room, happy
that he was finally rid of De Penguin. He wiped his brow as he opened the door.
"Non," he said, backing away. "Non! It can't be!"
His room was filled with hundreds
of penguins, all looking at him with evil eyes. "Reeemy" they said in
unison.
Remy's screams were muffled by
thousands of feathers.