Disclaimer: I don't own the X-Men. I don't even pretend to own the X-men. Although sometimes, I paint the front of my hair white with shoe polish, wear gloves, and pretend I'm Rogue… *grin*

Rating: PG

Summary: Movieverse Rogue hits her head and wakes up in a place that's familiar and strange at the same time… (Humor)

Author's Note: I had so much fun writing "The Family Tree's Got Root Rot," that I decided to try something else funny.  Hmm, two from me with no angst… I'm getting soft in my old age…

Feedback and Archiving: PLEASE!!! Post anywhere you want, and I'll be very happy. Just let me know where it is, so I can go to your page, see my story there, and feel cool… Also, without feedback I wither and die, so e-mail me at addie_logan@yahoo.com or message me through AIM at ChereRogueMarie, and let me know what you thought.

Another Author's Note: You didn't read any of that, did you? I bet you just skimmed everything that I painstakingly typed at the top of this story. You probably don't even know what you're reading… I could write anything and no one would even know what I'd typed. Yeah, you've stopped reading by now… Probably speed-read all the way to page five by now… Oooh… I dyed my hair red just like Jean Grey's in the movie. You probably didn't read that… Now you'll never know I'm no longer a brunette! If you did just take the time to read that (which I doubt you did…) I apologize now for my weirdness. I haven't had a good night's sleep since I moved in this dorm, and it's doing strange things to my sanity…

 

We're Not in Westchester Anymore, Toto…

By: Addie Logan

 

"Bobby, do you really think it was a smart idea to ice up the sidewalk like that, dude?"

"Since when did you care if something was a smart idea or not, Jubilee? I figured you liked doing stupid things…"

"Yeah, well, you take stupid to whole new heights. Must be your broken chromosome."

"My broken what?"

"Dude, you haven't heard Jubilee's evil little man-bashing theory yet?"

"Uh, no, St. John, I'm afraid I've missed out on hearing that…"

"Good thing, too. It's almost as dumb as freezing the sidewalk so you can ice skate before it snows…"

"Hey! My theory is not dumb! Like just look at a picture of that so-called "Y" chromosome you men possess! Looks like an X that's short one little leg thingy to me."

"Little leg thingy? Ain't she brilliant, ladies and gents?"

"Shut up Bobby!"

"AHHHHH!"

"Whoa, Dude, I think Rogue just hit the ice."

"Is she breathing?"

"I don't know…someone check her pulse…"

"Rogue? Rogue? Rogue…"

*** *** ***

"Rogue? Rogue? Rogue, wake up."

Rogue slowly opened her eyes and saw what appeared to be a blue teddy bear in a lab coat. "Jean, when did you get blue fur?" she asked groggily.

"Jean? I'm Hank…"

"Where am I?"

"The Medlab."

"Mansion?"

"Of course."

"Then why isn't Jean here? She's the doctor…"

Hank chuckled. "Jean? A doctor? You must've hit your head harder than I thought…" He frowned. "This is strange, though. I did not think that would be able to harm yourself this badly with your invulnerability."

"My what?"

"Invulnerability."

"Okay, I am sooo not invulnerable. I'm a total klutz. Stubbed my toe five times yesterday morning."

"Rogue, I believe you're going to need to stay in the medlab for a while. You're behavior is rather, well, strange. I'll have to run some tests."

"Oh no. I don't even know who ya are. You're not running any tests on me, Fuzzy. Just hand me a couple of aspirin, and I'm out of here."

"Rogue, for once, be rational. Something's obviously very wrong with you, and I need to discover what it is."

Rogue sat up, clutching her head while the momentary dizziness passed. She got out of the bed and started to leave. "I'm fine, uh, Harry…"

"Hank."

"Whatever. Look, it, um, must be that invulnerability thing I have. See, I'm fine. Going upstairs now."

"Rogue, wait!"

Rogue didn't wait. She ran out of the medlab as quickly as she could, wanting to get away from the blue, hairy doctor. Where was Jean? Rogue looked down and screamed. She wasn't on the ground anymore. Suddenly, she fell with a thud. "Ow."

"Chére, You okay?"

Rogue looked up to see what had to be the most gorgeous man in the universe. He even managed to make demonic eyes look unbelievably sexy. "Uh, yeah, I'm fine. Hey, can you tell me something?"

"Anyt'ing, Chére."

"Was I just flyin'?"

Gambit frowned as he reached out a hand to help her up. "Uh, probably. You do dat a lot, Rogue."

"I do?"

"Oui."

"There you are! Rogue, you need to come back to the Medlab with me."

"NO! I ain't goin' anywhere with ya, furry guy!"

"Chére, you okay?"

"I'm fine! You're the people who ain't supposed to be here!"

"Quoi? Remy not supposed t'be here, Chére?"

"No! Who the hell are you?"

"I'm your boyfriend! At least, I t'ink I am…" Gambit frowned. "Hank, what week is dis?"

"I think it's an 'on' week, my friend."

"What? As nice as that would be, you ain't my boyfriend. Bobby is."

"Drake?" Hank and Remy asked in unison.

"Well, yeah." Rogue was getting more confused by the moment.

Remy and Hank both began to laugh. "Dat's a funny one, Chére."

"What's so funny about it?"

"My dear, as much as I love young Robert, his dating skills are well, questionable…"

Rogue shrugged. She did have to give him that one.  "But I'm really not kidding," she said. "He's my boyfriend."

"Who is?" Rogue heard someone ask from behind her.

"You are, apparently," Hank said.

"I am? Since when?"

Rogue turned around to face Iceman. "No, not you. Bobby."

"I am Bobby."

"No you're not."

"Uh, yes I am."

"No, you're not. You don't even look like Bobby."

Remy was trying unsuccessfully not to snicker.

"Uh, um, Rogue? Did you hit your head real hard or something?" Bobby asked.

"Actually, Robert, that's exactly what she did. And I need to get her to go back down to the lab with me so I can run some tests and see why she was injured this badly when she is supposed to be invulnerable."

"Why am I invulnerable?" Rogue frowned. "And why was I flying?"

"Because you absorbed Carol Danvers, of course," Bobby replied as if that was the dumbest questioned he'd ever heard in his life.

"Carol who?"

"Danvers," Hank said.

"Ms. Marvel," Remy added.

"Warbird," Bobby said.

"Okay, that didn't confuse me anymore," Rogue said, rolling her eyes.

"Rogue, please, come back down to the medlab with me," Hank said.

"No!" Rogue yelled. "Where's Logan?"

"Wolverine?" Remy asked.

"Of course Wolverine. Where is he?" Rogue thought that if maybe she had her best friend and protector, this wouldn't be so bad.

"Why do you want Logan. Chére?" Remy asked.

"I just do," Rogue said. "Where is he?"

"He was in the kitchen a minute ago," Bobby said.

"Thanks," Rogue said, sprinting down the hall.

"Rogue, wait!" Hank called out.

Again, Rogue flew off the ground, this time hitting the ceiling and smacking face down on the carpet. "Ow."

Remy ran over to her. "Chére, you all right?"

"Do I look all right?"

"What happened to Rogue?"

Rogue would know that gruff voice anywhere. "Logan?"

"Yeah?"

She pushed herself up and found herself looking down at a very small, very hairy man who was wearing way too much flannel. "Who are you?"

Wolverine frowned a little more than usual. "Logan..."

"No you're not. Logan's tall."

Remy and Bobby both started laughing, but were silenced when Logan glared at them.

Hank came and put his hands on Rogue's shoulders. "Come on Rogue. I really do think you need to get back down to the medlab."

Rogue just nodded, thinking that maybe that blue guy was right, and the medlab was where she needed to be.

On the way to the beds in the medlab, Rogue walked by a mirror and stopped. "That doesn't look like me! What happened to my eyes?" she asked.

"Your eyes?" Hank said.

"They're green."

"Rogue, your eyes have always been green."

"No, they were brown this morning."

"Come on Rogue, the beds are right over here. I do believe rest is exactly what you need."

"So where is everyone," Rogue asked after she'd been laying down for a while. "Usually the mansion is full of people, and I'll I've seen is you, the short guy who says he's Logan, the cute guy who claims  he's Bobby, and that Remy person."

"Most of the team is out on a mission, although a few of us are still here. Don't you remember? You were supposed to go as well, but since it turned out that Mystique was involved you decided not to, seeing as she is your foster mother and…"

"My what!?"

"Foster mother."

"Mystique? I don't think so."

"Are you telling me that you honestly don't even remember that?"

"Look, I don't know what kind of messed up stuff y'all are smokin' here, but Mystique is not in any way, shape, or form my mother. I mean, she's creepy—all scaly with that hair that looks like she went a little heavy on the gel and…."

"Did you just say Mystique is scaly?"

"Yeah."

Hank frowned. "She never appeared that way to me. Rogue, have you absorbed anyone recently who perhaps could be altering your perception of reality?"

"Uh, not that I know of. The last person I absorbed was Logan, and that was on the Statue of Liberty over a year ago."

"Statue of Liberty? When did you absorb Logan on the Statue of Liberty?"

"When Magneto tried to mutate all the world leaders," Rogue explained. "You weren't there. It was Logan, Scott, Jean, and Storm."

Hank peered at her from his spectacles that were perched on the end of his nose. "Uh hu…"

"Why are ya lookin' at me like that never happened?"

"Because it didn't."

"Yes it did! Magneto used me to power his machine! That's why I have these streaks in my hair."

"Um, Rogue, you were born with those streaks in your hair. Or at least that's what you've always told us. Logan did tell a few people you dyed them in, but I think he just said that to bother you."

"Why would Logan want to bother me?"

"It was back when he didn't like you."

Rogue looked crestfallen. "Logan didn't like me? When did Logan not like me."

"When you first came to the mansion," Hank said. "He was upset about you putting Carol into a coma."

"Carol again?" Rogue crossed her arms across her chest. "And Logan's always liked me. Even when he told me to pick between him not caring and not knowing what would happened to me back in Laughlin City, I know he really did care."

"Laughlin City?"

Rogue sighed and rolled her eyes. "Where Logan and I met. He was giving me a ride when Sabretooth attacked, then Cyclops and Storm showed up and took us to the mansion."

"Fascinating."

"What's fascinating??"

"Your delusions."

"I ain't delusional!" Rogue yelled. "Nothin's wrong with me, it's you crazy people! Look, all I know is I was walkin outside the mansion and I fell—probably Bobby or Jubilee's fault—and the next thing I knew I was here and everyone looked funny and I could fly and my eyes were green!" Rogue looked like she was about to cry.

"Please, Rogue, try not to upset yourself. It will only aggravate your condition."

"I don't have a condition! I'm fine!"

"Maybe I should have Jean or the Professor take a look inside your mind…"

"Maybe… Can I go back to my room for a little while? I feel like I need to rest, and I don't want to do it in here."

"I guess that would be acceptable. But I think I'm going to send Jean in there as soon as she gets back. And if you start to feel anything out of the ordinary, come back down here at once."

Rogue nodded and got off the bed, leaving the medlab as quickly as possible without suddenly taking flight again.

*** *** ***

Fifteen minutes later, Rogue was wandering the mansion on the brink of tears. Everything was the same, and yet so different. She couldn't even find her room.

"Rogue, Child, are you all right?"

Rogue sighed in relief at the sound of the familiar voice. "Miss Mun…" She stopped in mid-sentence when she got a look at Storm. She'd always thought Storm sort of looked like Halle Berry in a strange white wig, but this woman looked nothing like that. "You're so…tall," Rogue said. "And your eyes—they're blue."

"Are you just now noticing these things?"

"Today's been very confusin' for me," Rogue said. "The blue doctor guy said I hit my head. 'Course, he also told me I'm Mystique's foster-daughter, so I'm not quite sure if he's workin' with a full deck."

"Mystique is your foster-mother, Rogue."

"Since when?"

"Since quite a while ago."

Rogue sighed in distress. "Where's my room?"

"Right down this hall," Storm said with obvious concern. "

Storm led Rogue to her room and opened the door. "Here."

Rogue looked at the single bed. "Am I the only person in this room?"

"Of course. Although I doubt Gambit would object to spending more time in here—during the 'on' weeks, of course."

Rogue decided just to ignore the last comment. "What about Jubilee and Kitty?"

"We are not quite sure where Jubilation and Kitten have gone," Storm said. "Why would you ask about them now?"

"Never mind," Rogue muttered. "I'm gonna take a nap. See ya later."

Storm nodded. "Sleep well, Child."

Rogue lay down on the bed, hoping to wake up in a place a little less crazy than this one.

*** *** ***

A few hours later, Rogue woke to the sound of a blaring alarm. She stepped out in the hall to find the homicidal-looking midget who claimed to be Logan walking past her room. "Ya comin', Rogue?" he asked. "There's a situation, and I'm sure the team's gonna need ya."

"The team? I'm an X-Man?"

"At the risk of soundin' like Jubilee, duh. Come on, Rogue, snap outta whatever head trip yer on."

Rogue just followed Logan down the hall. After all, she'd waited a long time to finally be old enough to join the real X-Men, and even though this wasn't exactly what she'd had in mind, it was better than nothing.

Or so she thought until they went to change into their uniforms.

"You want me to wear this!" Rogue yelled.

"You wear dat every mission, Chére."

She turned around to see Gambit. "It's yellow spandex."

"Green an' yellow spandex," he corrected her.

"It's hideous."

"Looks great on you," he said with a wink.

"What would you know? You're wearing pink."

"It's fuchsia!"

"Somehow, I think that's worse," Rogue mumbled.

"Hey, Remy, what are you doing flirting with my girl?" Bobby teased.

Remy just glared at him.

"We do not have time for this," Storm said. "Rogue, go change into your uniform."

"I ain't wearin' this."

Storm sighed. "Rogue, Reed Richards invented the unstable molecule suits specifically for battle. You must wear it."

Rogue sighed, grumbling all the way to the changing area.

"Geez, she's even weirder than usual," Bobby muttered.

"An' all dis time I t'ought de femme couldn't get any worse."

*** *** ***

The Blackbird. Rogue mused over the name. She figured it was better than the X-Jet. Much better.

"So where are we goin' again?" Rogue asked.

"An abandoned mine," Storm said. "Two people fitting the descriptions or Avalanche and Pyro were sighted there and we believe they are going to attempt to destroy the mine."

"Um, didn't you just say it was abandoned? Why do we care if they destroy it or not?"

Every one on the plane gave Rogue a blank look. She leaned back in her seat. "Riiight."

A second later, she popped up again. "Wait, did you say Pyro? As in St. John Allerdyce?"

"Yes," Storm said.

"Why would we be going against him. Isn't he one of us?"

More blank looks. "Mon Dieu," Remy said. "She t'inks she's back on de Brot'erhood."

"I do not!" Rogue yelled. "And I was never even on the Brotherhood! Why don't any of y'all know that Johnny's supposed to be with us! Come on, Bobby, he's your best friend!"

"Uh, no. Hank is my best friend. Pyro, well, I don't really even know the guy. Besides, I don't think we'd exactly click. I mean, hell-ooo, Iceman and huge flaming guy? I don't think so."

"Rogue, maybe you should have remained behind at the mansion," Hank said. "It's obvious whatever sort of memory problem you are having is simply getting worse. Are you sure you have not absorbed someone recently?"

"I told you, Fuzzball, the last person I absorbed was Logan on the Statue of Liberty!"

"When did we go to the Statue of Liberty?" Logan asked.

Rogue flopped back in her chair with a sigh.

*** *** ***

"So, we're here to save this," Rogue said as the X-Men walked through the pit that was the abandoned mine.

"Rogue, please refrain from sarcasm," Storm whispered. "We are on a mission."

Suddenly, the ground began to tremble, and three figures appeared in front of them. Avalanche and Pyro were two of them, but, surprisingly, Magneto stood with them as well.

"Magneto!" Bobby exclaimed. "What is he doing here?"

"Didn't I kill him?" Wolverine asked.

"Dere's no place for continuity in dis story, homme," Gambit said.

"When did anything in out lives have a place fer continuity?" Wolverine asked. Gambit shrugged.

"You've fallen into my trap, X-Men!" Magneto bellowed. "And there's no way you can stop my plan now."

"Which would be what?" Rogue asked, suddenly finding herself very annoyed by the whole situation. "Taking over the world one abandoned mine at a time?"

Magneto turned to Rogue and made some witty remark that she never heard since she was too busy checking him out. "Magneto's hot…" she muttered.

"Always gotta rub dat in, don't ya, Chére?"

"Rub what it, uh, Remy, right?"

Gambit sighed. "Not'ing."

"We have to fight them," Storm said.

"Why?" Rogue asked. "Why not just let 'em have the stupid mine? Probably collapse on them anyway."

"Because we're super heroes and that's what we do," Storm said in a tone that made Rogue give her a very strange look.

Just then, a stream of flame erupted from Pyro, scorching Rogue's side. "Hey, jerk, ya fried my spandex!" Rogue yelled. In anger, she leapt from the ground and flew towards Pyro, punching him with all her strength. "Cool…" she mumbled.

The ground began to tremble again, as Avalanche tried to knock the X-Men off their feet. Magneto ripped a bar of metal from the entrance to the mine and sent it flying.

The metal connected with Rogue's head, and everything went black.

*** *** ***

"Dude, I think she's coming back around."

"She better be, or I'm hurtin' all you kids."

"Geez, Wolvie, take a chill-pill. I'm sure Rogue's fine."

"Yeah, I've hit my head on Bobby's ice plenty of times, and there's nothing wrong with me."

"That's debatable, St. John."

Rogue's eyes opened slowly, and she looked up at four faces staring down at her. "Where am I?" she asked.

"Outside the mansion, darlin'," Logan said. "You slipped on some ice your boyfriend made and hit your head."

Bobby blushed. "Sorry."

"I had the strangest dream," Rogue said as she sat up, clutching her head. "And you, and you, and you were there," she added, glancing at Bobby, St. John, and Logan in turn. She looked over at Jubilee. "You weren't."

"Gee, thanks, chica."

Rogue tried to stand up and almost slipped. "Whoa there, Dorothy," Logan said, catching her and supporting her with his arm. "Let's get you to the medlab so Jean can take a look at you."

"Jean's the doctor?" Rogue asked.

"Of course," Logan replied.

Rogue sighed. "Good."

"So," Logan said as they walked together back towards the mansion. "Were there any munchkins in this dream of yours?"

Rogue smirked. "Oh, I think I remember at least one…"

THE END

*** *** ***

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