Disclaimer: I don't own the X-Men. I don't even
pretend to own the X-men. Although sometimes, I paint the front of my hair
white with shoe polish, wear gloves, and pretend I'm Rogue… *grin*
Rating: PG
Summary: Movieverse Rogue hits her head and wakes
up in a place that's familiar and strange at the same time… (Humor)
Author's Note: I had so much fun writing "The Family
Tree's Got Root Rot," that I decided to try something else funny. Hmm, two from me with no angst… I'm getting
soft in my old age…
Feedback and Archiving: PLEASE!!! Post anywhere you want, and I'll
be very happy. Just let me know where it is, so I can go to your page, see my
story there, and feel cool… Also, without feedback I wither and die, so e-mail
me at addie_logan@yahoo.com or
message me through AIM at ChereRogueMarie, and let me know what you thought.
Another Author's Note: You didn't read any of that, did you? I
bet you just skimmed everything that I painstakingly typed at the top of this
story. You probably don't even know what you're reading… I could write anything
and no one would even know what I'd typed. Yeah, you've stopped reading by now…
Probably speed-read all the way to page five by now… Oooh… I dyed my hair red
just like Jean Grey's in the movie. You probably didn't read that… Now you'll
never know I'm no longer a brunette! If you did just take the time to read that
(which I doubt you did…) I apologize now for my weirdness. I haven't had a good
night's sleep since I moved in this dorm, and it's doing strange things to my
sanity…
We're Not in Westchester
Anymore, Toto…
By: Addie Logan
"Bobby, do you really think it
was a smart idea to ice up the sidewalk like that, dude?"
"Since when did you care if
something was a smart idea or not, Jubilee? I figured you liked doing stupid things…"
"Yeah, well, you take stupid
to whole new heights. Must be your broken chromosome."
"My broken what?"
"Dude, you haven't heard
Jubilee's evil little man-bashing theory yet?"
"Uh, no, St. John, I'm afraid
I've missed out on hearing that…"
"Good thing, too. It's almost
as dumb as freezing the sidewalk so you can ice skate before it snows…"
"Hey! My theory is not dumb!
Like just look at a picture of that so-called "Y" chromosome you men
possess! Looks like an X that's short one little leg thingy to me."
"Little leg thingy? Ain't she
brilliant, ladies and gents?"
"Shut up Bobby!"
"AHHHHH!"
"Whoa, Dude, I think Rogue
just hit the ice."
"Is she breathing?"
"I don't know…someone check
her pulse…"
"Rogue? Rogue? Rogue…"
***
*** ***
"Rogue? Rogue? Rogue, wake
up."
Rogue slowly opened her eyes and
saw what appeared to be a blue teddy bear in a lab coat. "Jean, when did
you get blue fur?" she asked groggily.
"Jean? I'm Hank…"
"Where am I?"
"The Medlab."
"Mansion?"
"Of course."
"Then why isn't Jean here?
She's the doctor…"
Hank chuckled. "Jean? A
doctor? You must've hit your head harder than I thought…" He frowned.
"This is strange, though. I did not think that would be able to harm
yourself this badly with your invulnerability."
"My what?"
"Invulnerability."
"Okay, I am sooo not
invulnerable. I'm a total klutz. Stubbed my toe five times yesterday
morning."
"Rogue, I believe you're going
to need to stay in the medlab for a while. You're behavior is rather, well,
strange. I'll have to run some tests."
"Oh no. I don't even know who ya
are. You're not running any tests on me, Fuzzy. Just hand me a couple of
aspirin, and I'm out of here."
"Rogue, for once, be rational.
Something's obviously very wrong with you, and I need to discover what it
is."
Rogue sat up, clutching her head
while the momentary dizziness passed. She got out of the bed and started to
leave. "I'm fine, uh, Harry…"
"Hank."
"Whatever. Look, it, um, must
be that invulnerability thing I have. See, I'm fine. Going upstairs now."
"Rogue, wait!"
Rogue didn't wait. She ran out of
the medlab as quickly as she could, wanting to get away from the blue, hairy
doctor. Where was Jean? Rogue looked down and screamed. She wasn't on the
ground anymore. Suddenly, she fell with a thud. "Ow."
"Chére, You okay?"
Rogue looked up to see what had to
be the most gorgeous man in the universe. He even managed to make demonic eyes
look unbelievably sexy. "Uh, yeah, I'm fine. Hey, can you tell me
something?"
"Anyt'ing, Chére."
"Was I just flyin'?"
Gambit frowned as he reached out a
hand to help her up. "Uh, probably. You do dat a lot, Rogue."
"I do?"
"Oui."
"There you are! Rogue, you
need to come back to the Medlab with me."
"NO! I ain't goin' anywhere
with ya, furry guy!"
"Chére, you okay?"
"I'm fine! You're the people who
ain't supposed to be here!"
"Quoi? Remy not supposed t'be
here, Chére?"
"No! Who the hell are
you?"
"I'm your boyfriend! At least,
I t'ink I am…" Gambit frowned. "Hank, what week is dis?"
"I think it's an 'on' week, my
friend."
"What? As nice as that would
be, you ain't my boyfriend. Bobby is."
"Drake?" Hank and Remy
asked in unison.
"Well, yeah." Rogue was
getting more confused by the moment.
Remy and Hank both began to laugh.
"Dat's a funny one, Chére."
"What's so funny about
it?"
"My dear, as much as I love
young Robert, his dating skills are well, questionable…"
Rogue shrugged. She did have to
give him that one. "But I'm really
not kidding," she said. "He's my boyfriend."
"Who is?" Rogue heard
someone ask from behind her.
"You are, apparently,"
Hank said.
"I am? Since when?"
Rogue turned around to face Iceman.
"No, not you. Bobby."
"I am Bobby."
"No you're not."
"Uh, yes I am."
"No, you're not. You don't
even look like Bobby."
Remy was trying unsuccessfully not
to snicker.
"Uh, um, Rogue? Did you hit
your head real hard or something?" Bobby asked.
"Actually, Robert, that's
exactly what she did. And I need to get her to go back down to the lab with me
so I can run some tests and see why she was injured this badly when she is
supposed to be invulnerable."
"Why am I invulnerable?"
Rogue frowned. "And why was I flying?"
"Because you absorbed Carol
Danvers, of course," Bobby replied as if that was the dumbest questioned
he'd ever heard in his life.
"Carol who?"
"Danvers," Hank said.
"Ms. Marvel," Remy added.
"Warbird," Bobby said.
"Okay, that didn't confuse me
anymore," Rogue said, rolling her eyes.
"Rogue, please, come back down
to the medlab with me," Hank said.
"No!" Rogue yelled.
"Where's Logan?"
"Wolverine?" Remy asked.
"Of course Wolverine. Where is
he?" Rogue thought that if maybe she had her best friend and protector,
this wouldn't be so bad.
"Why do you want Logan. Chére?"
Remy asked.
"I just do," Rogue said.
"Where is he?"
"He was in the kitchen a
minute ago," Bobby said.
"Thanks," Rogue said,
sprinting down the hall.
"Rogue, wait!" Hank
called out.
Again, Rogue flew off the ground,
this time hitting the ceiling and smacking face down on the carpet.
"Ow."
Remy ran over to her. "Chére,
you all right?"
"Do I look all right?"
"What happened to Rogue?"
Rogue would know that gruff voice
anywhere. "Logan?"
"Yeah?"
She pushed herself up and found
herself looking down at a very small, very hairy man who was wearing way too much
flannel. "Who are you?"
Wolverine frowned a little more
than usual. "Logan..."
"No you're not. Logan's
tall."
Remy and Bobby both started
laughing, but were silenced when Logan glared at them.
Hank came and put his hands on
Rogue's shoulders. "Come on Rogue. I really do think you need to get back
down to the medlab."
Rogue just nodded, thinking that
maybe that blue guy was right, and the medlab was where she needed to be.
On the way to the beds in the
medlab, Rogue walked by a mirror and stopped. "That doesn't look like me! What
happened to my eyes?" she asked.
"Your eyes?" Hank said.
"They're green."
"Rogue, your eyes have always
been green."
"No, they were brown this
morning."
"Come on Rogue, the beds are
right over here. I do believe rest is exactly what you need."
"So where is everyone,"
Rogue asked after she'd been laying down for a while. "Usually the mansion
is full of people, and I'll I've seen is you, the short guy who says he's
Logan, the cute guy who claims he's Bobby, and that Remy person."
"Most of the team is out on a
mission, although a few of us are still here. Don't you remember? You were
supposed to go as well, but since it turned out that Mystique was involved you
decided not to, seeing as she is your foster mother and…"
"My what!?"
"Foster mother."
"Mystique? I don't think
so."
"Are you telling me that you
honestly don't even remember that?"
"Look, I don't know what kind
of messed up stuff y'all are smokin' here, but Mystique is not in any way,
shape, or form my mother. I mean, she's creepy—all scaly with that hair that
looks like she went a little heavy on the gel and…."
"Did you just say Mystique is scaly?"
"Yeah."
Hank frowned. "She never
appeared that way to me. Rogue, have you absorbed anyone recently who perhaps
could be altering your perception of reality?"
"Uh, not that I know of. The
last person I absorbed was Logan, and that was on the Statue of Liberty over a
year ago."
"Statue of Liberty? When did
you absorb Logan on the Statue of Liberty?"
"When Magneto tried to mutate
all the world leaders," Rogue explained. "You weren't there. It was
Logan, Scott, Jean, and Storm."
Hank peered at her from his
spectacles that were perched on the end of his nose. "Uh hu…"
"Why are ya lookin' at me like
that never happened?"
"Because it didn't."
"Yes it did! Magneto used me
to power his machine! That's why I have these streaks in my hair."
"Um, Rogue, you were born with
those streaks in your hair. Or at least that's what you've always told us.
Logan did tell a few people you dyed them in, but I think he just said that to
bother you."
"Why would Logan want to
bother me?"
"It was back when he didn't
like you."
Rogue looked crestfallen.
"Logan didn't like me? When did Logan not like me."
"When you first came to the
mansion," Hank said. "He was upset about you putting Carol into a
coma."
"Carol again?" Rogue
crossed her arms across her chest. "And Logan's always liked me. Even when
he told me to pick between him not caring and not knowing what would happened
to me back in Laughlin City, I know he really did care."
"Laughlin City?"
Rogue sighed and rolled her eyes.
"Where Logan and I met. He was giving me a ride when Sabretooth attacked,
then Cyclops and Storm showed up and took us to the mansion."
"Fascinating."
"What's fascinating??"
"Your delusions."
"I ain't delusional!"
Rogue yelled. "Nothin's wrong with me, it's you crazy people! Look, all I know
is I was walkin outside the mansion and I fell—probably Bobby or Jubilee's
fault—and the next thing I knew I was here and everyone looked funny and I could
fly and my eyes were green!" Rogue looked like she was about to cry.
"Please, Rogue, try not to
upset yourself. It will only aggravate your condition."
"I don't have a condition! I'm
fine!"
"Maybe I should have Jean or
the Professor take a look inside your mind…"
"Maybe… Can I go back to my
room for a little while? I feel like I need to rest, and I don't want to do it
in here."
"I guess that would be
acceptable. But I think I'm going to send Jean in there as soon as she gets
back. And if you start to feel anything out of the ordinary, come back down
here at once."
Rogue nodded and got off the bed,
leaving the medlab as quickly as possible without suddenly taking flight again.
***
*** ***
Fifteen minutes later, Rogue was
wandering the mansion on the brink of tears. Everything was the same, and yet
so different. She couldn't even find her room.
"Rogue, Child, are you all
right?"
Rogue sighed in relief at the sound
of the familiar voice. "Miss Mun…" She stopped in mid-sentence when
she got a look at Storm. She'd always thought Storm sort of looked like Halle
Berry in a strange white wig, but this woman looked nothing like that.
"You're so…tall," Rogue said. "And your eyes—they're blue."
"Are you just now noticing
these things?"
"Today's been very confusin'
for me," Rogue said. "The blue doctor guy said I hit my head.
'Course, he also told me I'm Mystique's foster-daughter, so I'm not quite sure
if he's workin' with a full deck."
"Mystique is your
foster-mother, Rogue."
"Since when?"
"Since quite a while
ago."
Rogue sighed in distress. "Where's
my room?"
"Right down this hall,"
Storm said with obvious concern. "
Storm led Rogue to her room and
opened the door. "Here."
Rogue looked at the single bed.
"Am I the only person in this room?"
"Of course. Although I doubt
Gambit would object to spending more time in here—during the 'on' weeks, of
course."
Rogue decided just to ignore the
last comment. "What about Jubilee and Kitty?"
"We are not quite sure where
Jubilation and Kitten have gone," Storm said. "Why would you ask
about them now?"
"Never mind," Rogue
muttered. "I'm gonna take a nap. See ya later."
Storm nodded. "Sleep well,
Child."
Rogue lay down on the bed, hoping
to wake up in a place a little less crazy than this one.
***
*** ***
A few hours later, Rogue woke to
the sound of a blaring alarm. She stepped out in the hall to find the
homicidal-looking midget who claimed to be Logan walking past her room.
"Ya comin', Rogue?" he asked. "There's a situation, and I'm sure
the team's gonna need ya."
"The team? I'm an X-Man?"
"At the risk of soundin' like
Jubilee, duh. Come on, Rogue, snap outta whatever head trip yer on."
Rogue just followed Logan down the
hall. After all, she'd waited a long time to finally be old enough to join the
real X-Men, and even though this wasn't exactly what she'd had in mind, it was
better than nothing.
Or so she thought until they went
to change into their uniforms.
"You want me to wear this!"
Rogue yelled.
"You wear dat every mission, Chére."
She turned around to see Gambit. "It's
yellow spandex."
"Green an' yellow spandex,"
he corrected her.
"It's hideous."
"Looks great on you," he
said with a wink.
"What would you know? You're
wearing pink."
"It's fuchsia!"
"Somehow, I think that's
worse," Rogue mumbled.
"Hey, Remy, what are you doing
flirting with my girl?" Bobby teased.
Remy just glared at him.
"We do not have time for
this," Storm said. "Rogue, go change into your uniform."
"I ain't wearin' this."
Storm sighed. "Rogue, Reed
Richards invented the unstable molecule suits specifically for battle. You must
wear it."
Rogue sighed, grumbling all the way
to the changing area.
"Geez, she's even weirder than
usual," Bobby muttered.
"An' all dis time I t'ought de
femme couldn't get any worse."
***
*** ***
The Blackbird. Rogue mused over the
name. She figured it was better than the X-Jet. Much better.
"So where are we goin'
again?" Rogue asked.
"An abandoned mine,"
Storm said. "Two people fitting the descriptions or Avalanche and Pyro
were sighted there and we believe they are going to attempt to destroy the
mine."
"Um, didn't you just say it
was abandoned? Why do we care if they destroy it or not?"
Every one on the plane gave Rogue a
blank look. She leaned back in her seat. "Riiight."
A second later, she popped up
again. "Wait, did you say Pyro? As in St. John Allerdyce?"
"Yes," Storm said.
"Why would we be going against
him. Isn't he one of us?"
More blank looks. "Mon Dieu,"
Remy said. "She t'inks she's back on de Brot'erhood."
"I do not!" Rogue yelled.
"And I was never even on the Brotherhood! Why don't any of y'all know that
Johnny's supposed to be with us! Come on, Bobby, he's your best friend!"
"Uh, no. Hank is my best
friend. Pyro, well, I don't really even know the guy. Besides, I don't think
we'd exactly click. I mean, hell-ooo, Iceman and huge flaming guy? I don't
think so."
"Rogue, maybe you should have
remained behind at the mansion," Hank said. "It's obvious whatever
sort of memory problem you are having is simply getting worse. Are you sure you
have not absorbed someone recently?"
"I told you, Fuzzball, the
last person I absorbed was Logan on the Statue of Liberty!"
"When did we go to the Statue
of Liberty?" Logan asked.
Rogue flopped back in her chair
with a sigh.
***
*** ***
"So, we're here to save
this," Rogue said as the X-Men walked through the pit that was the
abandoned mine.
"Rogue, please refrain from
sarcasm," Storm whispered. "We are on a mission."
Suddenly, the ground began to
tremble, and three figures appeared in front of them. Avalanche and Pyro were
two of them, but, surprisingly, Magneto stood with them as well.
"Magneto!" Bobby
exclaimed. "What is he doing here?"
"Didn't I kill him?"
Wolverine asked.
"Dere's no place for
continuity in dis story, homme," Gambit said.
"When did anything in out
lives have a place fer continuity?" Wolverine asked. Gambit shrugged.
"You've fallen into my trap,
X-Men!" Magneto bellowed. "And there's no way you can stop my plan
now."
"Which would be what?"
Rogue asked, suddenly finding herself very annoyed by the whole situation.
"Taking over the world one abandoned mine at a time?"
Magneto turned to Rogue and made
some witty remark that she never heard since she was too busy checking him out.
"Magneto's hot…" she muttered.
"Always gotta rub dat in,
don't ya, Chére?"
"Rub what it, uh, Remy,
right?"
Gambit sighed. "Not'ing."
"We have to fight them,"
Storm said.
"Why?" Rogue asked.
"Why not just let 'em have the stupid mine? Probably collapse on them
anyway."
"Because we're super heroes
and that's what we do," Storm said in a tone that made Rogue give her a
very strange look.
Just then, a stream of flame erupted
from Pyro, scorching Rogue's side. "Hey, jerk, ya fried my spandex!"
Rogue yelled. In anger, she leapt from the ground and flew towards Pyro,
punching him with all her strength. "Cool…" she mumbled.
The ground began to tremble again,
as Avalanche tried to knock the X-Men off their feet. Magneto ripped a bar of
metal from the entrance to the mine and sent it flying.
The metal connected with Rogue's
head, and everything went black.
***
*** ***
"Dude, I think she's coming
back around."
"She better be, or I'm hurtin'
all you kids."
"Geez, Wolvie, take a chill-pill.
I'm sure Rogue's fine."
"Yeah, I've hit my head on
Bobby's ice plenty of times, and there's nothing wrong with me."
"That's debatable, St.
John."
Rogue's eyes opened slowly, and she
looked up at four faces staring down at her. "Where am I?" she asked.
"Outside the mansion,
darlin'," Logan said. "You slipped on some ice your boyfriend
made and hit your head."
Bobby blushed. "Sorry."
"I had the strangest
dream," Rogue said as she sat up, clutching her head. "And you, and
you, and you were there," she added, glancing at Bobby, St. John, and
Logan in turn. She looked over at Jubilee. "You weren't."
"Gee, thanks, chica."
Rogue tried to stand up and almost
slipped. "Whoa there, Dorothy," Logan said, catching her and
supporting her with his arm. "Let's get you to the medlab so Jean can take
a look at you."
"Jean's the doctor?"
Rogue asked.
"Of course," Logan
replied.
Rogue sighed. "Good."
"So," Logan said as they
walked together back towards the mansion. "Were there any munchkins in
this dream of yours?"
Rogue smirked. "Oh, I think I remember
at least one…"
THE
END
***
*** ***
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