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In Space , Lost The Plot.
By Anubis
The other night Fox showed the "world broadcast premiere"
of Lost in Space. I had seen it before and thought it pretty
stupid, a rarity for a science fiction movie. Having just seen
it again I can say that my first judgment was wrong. It is not
a stupid movie, it is complete and utter crap. The plot...
The world has been polluted beyond habitation and the entire
human race is going to die unless the government builds a giant
stargat- er I mean hypergate between Earth and another habitable
planet that already has a colony so they can send the entire
population there. So they build a huge multimillion dollar ship
so they can send this scientist to the other planet to build
the other end of the star- er hypergate. To send the scientist...
and his entire family. As a result of an evil terrorist group,
who has no motives or purpose, the family becomes Lost... in
Space. Somewhere right around here, the movie looses its purpose.
They find these space bubbles, that allow travel through time,
and encounter a ship from the future. Why? Nobody knows. They
crash onto a planet and find another time bubble and then the
scientist father goes into the time bubble to get spaceship fuel
and runs into his own son from the future, who is pissed that
he left them to get starship fuel or some shit. and there are
these metal spider things that won't die, unless the 9 year old
kid, who can build a time machine by the way, shoots them with
a robot. and there is this guy who is a terrorist, who gets bitten
by a spider and turned into a man-spider, but this was in the
future, the other one steals a PDA from the front of a robot
from the other future( the one with the spaceship) and reprograms
the robot(the one from the second future) that belongs to the
9 year old kid( who is not 9 years old anymore) because this
is the second future, and then the 9 year old kid(no not that
one, the one from the present) fixes the robot, and then the
terrorist (the one from future two) kills the terrorist from
future one and it turns out they must not have needed that starship
fuel anyway because the the 9 year old son (not that one, the
one who is not 9 years old anymore) sees the ship take off in
a the past (the second past) and get blown apart, so he sends
his father back to the past(not that past, the first one) and,
your still following me right? If not, you would not be able
to follow the damm movie because that is what the plot was like.
But this movie was not just doomed by its completely crappy
plot. The actors really sucked too. The dialogue was so bad in
some parts that it was cringe-worthy. When someone says something
along the lines of "Oh NO!! The Killer Spiders are attacking
us!" you would generally well , you know, expect them to
be distressed. I would assume that getting attacked by killer
spiders would fall under the Bad Thing category but you couldn't
tell it from these reanimated corpses. Most of these guys thought
that getting attacked by killer spiders was about as exciting
as painting a barn, I half expected some of them to end their
lines with a yawn. Admittedly a lot of the sucky acting could
have been a result of the completely crappy script, it has to
be hard to play Wil Robinson when you do not even know which
Wil Robinson you are.
And that is not all. Believe me when I say that I have barely
scratched the surface of this movies Suck Factor. This movie
was filled with more logic holes than Battlefield Earth. A list
I have to express disbelief in the entire premise of the story.
Why would the military, who assumingly is no slouch in the planning
department, send an entire family on a dangerous interstellar
mission, and build a huge spaceship to do it, when all they really
needed to send was the scientist himself. Our tax dollars at
work, I guess.
Why do they need to send this scientist to the colony at all.
I mean, they showed the incomplete Earth stargate, and it was
big. Really really big. Really...fucking... big. Its not like
the scientist is going to be building the thing himself. And
since they were already have a gate partially constructed, they
must have plans for the thing. Why don't they just transmit the
plans to the colony and have them build it?
So the family is going on a ten year journey through space,
and they are going to put them in stasis for the entire time.
So why, exactly, did the government build such a huge ship for
the journey. I mean, it is not like the family is going to be
using the pool hall or the water polo room or any of this other
crap if they are in stasis for the entire trip.
The ship can obviously fly itself, and I assume it can launch
itself too, since spaceships can do that right now. So why exactly
do they need a military fightercraft pilot to fly it? It would
be like the tech department sending out Bill Gates to fix my
modem.
What family, in any right mind, would force their children
to go into stasis for a ten year deep space mission, denying
them an education, and a childhood. No parents I know would.
So the ship slingshots around Earth and heads out to the edge
of the solar system. The robot starts sabotaging everything to
ruin the mission. In the space of ten minutes they go from being
six hours to the edge of the star system to crashing into the
Sun? Does the ship have a folder or something?
So these hypergates, once they are built, they will allow
a ship which has been equipped with a special hyperdrive to travel
between them. If you try to use the hyperdrive without the hypergates
you will become Lost... in Space. So why ,again, does the ship
that they built to send the scientist to the colony have a hyperdrive
on it. The scientist who is supposed to build the hypergate is
on that ship, it is not like he is going to be able to finish
both hypergates before he gets off the damm ship!
And keep in mind, all of this happened in the first thirty
minutes of the movie! The first thirty minutes were the most
coherent part!. How the hell did Speilberg let his name get attached
to this pile of festering whale testicles?!
In short this movie doesn't just suck. It blows. And I did
not know if that was even possible.
No, wait. I can't finish yet. Not without taking a moment
to mention the infamous Lost in Space "pet". For countless
years, I have used the "pet" as my talc in a Moh's
scale of computer graphic suckitude. The Lost in Space "pet"
is the one area where Lost in Space has something to its credit.
It is the by far the worst, lamest, gayest CGI effect to ever
make it into a movie. Lost in Space is unsurpassed in the field
of bad computer effects. And it is not like the effects in the
entire movie sucked. Some of them were fairly good. And some
of them were, well , considerably less so. It is like Industrial
Light and Magic quit the job after seeing how bad the movie was
going to be and they had to get some el-cheapo outfit that got
their CGI degrees out of a box of Fruit Loops to finish the movie.
I think I am going to puke just thinking about it.
No wait, I feel I still have to drive the point home about
how unilaterally bad the CGI for the "pet" was. When
I saw it for the first time two people actually groaned, out
loud, when the "pet" first appeared. And there were
only four people in the room. I have to wonder, how bad was it
in the actual theater when the movie aired. Could the people
at the refreshment stand hear all the groaning. Did people actually
get up and leave, like they did when I went to see Battlefield
Earth. I mean, it takes a special kind of movie to get people
to boo or say "What The Fuck" in a movie theater where
80 other people are going to hear them.
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