The Things We Do For Love,
Part Two
AJ
"Are you serious?"
"Yeah, look, right here."
"Aw...that's so harsh."
"I know. We can't let him see this."
"No, definitely not. He'd flip."
"Who'd flip? See what?" I asked Brian and Howie as I came up behind their huddle in the corner. Brian immediately slammed something shut and hid it behind his back. Howie looked disturbed.
"Hey Boner, what's up?" Brian asked casually.
"Nothing. What are you looking at, guys?"
Brian shrugged. "Nothing, nothing really, why?" he wondered, trying to get away slowly. It took a minute but I managed to wrestle the magazine away from him. I shot them a strange look.
"Why the hell are you hiding People from me?" I asked as I flipped through. Suddenly I spotted a picture of Robyn and me. Reading the caption I felt my heart start to slam against my ribs. I threw the magazine down and stomped off.
"AJ!" Howie called, jogging after me.
"What?" I spat, not stopping.
"Are you OK?"
"Oh sure, yeah." I sighed and stopped, leaning against a wall. Howie stood next to me and we shared an awkward silence.
"That was a horrible thing to say."
"You think?" I mused bitterly. Howie looked a bit stung and I softened. "Yeah, D, it was. God! She's so sensitive. She has a subscription to People. She's gonna see that." Howie nodded silently and I sighed again. "Why don't people think?"
* * * * * *
"Hey babe!"
"Hey sweetie!" Robyn greeted happily later that day. "I'm so glad you called. What's up?"
"Nothing, just the same old crap. How are you?"
"Good!"
"You sure?" I had no idea how to approach what I was really asking about. Usually I had no problem being forward and honest, but this was different.
"Yeah, I'm fine...are you OK?" she asked in response.
"I'm great. Whatcha been up to today?"
"Not a lot, just putzing around here, studying. How about you?"
I smiled. "Missing you, of course."
* * * * * *
Later that night Kevin and I were driving back from a bar we decided to stop at.
"I heard about the People thing," he said, breaking a silence. I bristled a little.
"You did, huh?"
"People in this business are so high and mighty sometimes," he stated flatly. I nodded.
"I know. I mean, they probably thought that little caption was so damn cute, but Jesus Christ, what about Robyn, y'know? As if she's not already self conscious enough."
"Do you feel self conscious with her?" he asked after a moment.
"Not at all, which is so weird. I think a year ago I would have, but not now. I think she's gorgeous, I think she's awesome, I couldn't care less about what other people think. I just wish..." I sighed. "I just wish she could feel as good about herself as I feel about her. I want to...I don't know..."
"Protect her," Kevin supplied knowingly.
"Exactly. I can't be with her and I have a bad feeling about all this. Something's gonna happen, Kev. I feel it.
Robyn
I finished taping up the last of my clippings and smiled. It had been two weeks since the morning of the People magazine episode and I had already taken some big steps. I had decided to make an "inspirational collage" on the inside of my closet doors, putting up healthy recipes, motivational sayings and my favorite picture of AJ and I. As far as dieting went, I had initially only given up snack foods. I decided, though, that that wasn't enough so lunch was the next thing I cut out of my daily routine. Instead I exercised for another half hour during my lunchtime, adding to the half hour I was working out at night. Here and there I skipped other meals too, but not that often.
I felt good. I had always been bigger but never really done much about it for any longer than a week or so. In complete honesty there wasn't much to do - I didn't eat a whole lot to begin with and I was active. Plus I was an immediate results type. Now, though, I was dealing with whole new motivations - namely being a Backstreet Boy's girlfriend. It was more powerful than anything I'd ever encountered, but I felt like I had a grip on it all.
As I shoved my tape back in my desk drawer I heard Laina coming in. "Hello!" she called. I grabbed my sandals and ran out to meet her.
"Hey!" I answered, meeting her at the door.
"Ready?"
"Yup, let's go." Laina and I were headed out for an afternoon of shopping. I was both excited and nervous. This would be my first chance to see if my work had done any good yet.
Laina and I talked a blue streak on the way to the mall. During a rare moment of silence she looked at me with a grin. "You look good, Rob."
I grinned too. "Thanks!"
"You look really...healthy. Like, robust."
"Robust?" I asked cocking an eyebrow.
"You know what I mean. You just...you look good," she repeated, laughing. I laughed too, elated inside.
* * * * * *
I stood in the dressing room, looking around at the clothes I'd brought in. I usually wore a size 18, so I'd grabbed jeans in an 18, 16, 14 and - thinking wishfully - a 12. Taking a deep breath I stepped out of my drawstring cargos and first stepped into the size 18 pair. Buttoning them brought a huge smile - they were roomy! In fact, they were too big! Quickly I slipped them off and reached for the next smallest pair. As I fastened them my bubble burst. They were tight. I could endure them if I had to but that wasn't the point. As fast as I could I put my cargo pants back on and gathered up the jeans. The saleswoman looked at me as I handed the clothes back to her.
"None of these quite right?" she asked. I shook my head and quickly left to find Laina.
"Hey," she greeted as I approached her. I smiled faintly. "I am starving - what do you say we head to TGIFriday's for an early supper?"
"I'm not all that hungry," I lied, "but I'll go with you."
"Good, I'm wasting away!" Laina joked. I smiled again, wishing I could truly say the same.
* * * * * *
Look, fatty, you don't deserve AJ and you know it. Jesus, you probably embarrass him. He's hot as hell and he could do so much better than a fatass like you. When he and the rest of the guys are here next week you better believe my friends and I'll find them, and don't doubt that I cand and will steal him from you in a heartbeat. Beware bitch...
I sighed as I stared at my email. This certainly wasn't the first horrible message I'd gotten since that first picture and my name were published. Usually I just deleated these and tried to ignore them, but today, after the incident with the jeans, I felt defeated. Instead of clickig Delete I instead hit Print. When it was done I turned off the computer and went to my room. Grabbing the tape out of my drawer I stuck the email up on my door, below the other things I had posted. Thinking for a moment I moved it, covering a few recipes. This was true motivation, this would keep me on track. In fact, just looking at it urged me to get down on the floor and start doing curls. Relentlessly I pulled myself up again and again, finally stopping when I saw spots before my eyes - after all, I was straining my body in a major way and I hadn't eaten since breakfast, not to mention I'd already worked out for an hour earlier that night. Crawling into bed, I fell into a deep sleep almost the instant my head hit the pillow.
AJ
I tried again and again but the marker just wouldn't work. "This be a dead pen," I declared. The girl I was signing the autograph for giggled nervously, as did her friend. "Hey man, can you run and get me another Sharpie?" I asked Eric, one of our bodyguards. He nodded and jogged off.
"So what's new?" I asked the two girls as we waited backstage.
"Not much," the taller of the two answered.
"Hey, um, AJ?" the other one began.
"Yeah?"
"We saw what People magazine said about your girlfriend. That's really mean," she said.
I cocked my head. "You think so too, huh?"
"Oh yeah, and the Howard Stern thing too - that was just so wrong," her friend added.
I sighed, nodding. A week ago Howard Stern had had an entire show devoted to "Fatsos In The News". Robyn had been featured. I knew he liked us, but he'd had no mercy on her. It was hard to even think about.
"I mean," the short one started again, "who cares if you just want to date some regular girl? It's totally your choice."
"Not that Robyn isn't pretty or whatever," Tall added quickly, covering her friend's ground.
"Oh no, she is," Short agreed.
Just then Eric returned with a pen. "I completely agree," I said shortly, forcing a smile and hurriedly signed autographs for them. I was glad they were the last in line. Giving one last wave to the meet-n-greet passholders I returned to our break room and flopped onto a chair.
The girls had been sincere, sort of, but there were many others that no doubt were making life really difficult - for both of us. I had been incredibly stressed the past month and a half since the awards. It seemed like everywhere I turned people were talking about Robyn. If she was hearing and reading even half of what I was I could only imagine how she felt. And the worst part was that I was so far away, leaving me helpless. I couldn't see how she was really taking things, I could only base it on what she shared over the phone. That was precious little, aside from a joke here or there. I knew that humor was her way of coping, but I could only press the issue so far before things got uncomfortable.
As I stewed Brian plunked down next to me. "How ya doin', Boner?"
"I'm hella frustrated, Rok."
Brian nodded knowingly. All the guys had witnessed what had been going on, obviously. "Robyn, huh?"
"Yeah. Damnit, B, what do I do? How do I know how she's doing - I mean, really doing?" I put my head in my hands.
"I don't know what to tell you. Laina says she looks OK-"
I flew out of my chair. "Why is it always about the way she looks, God damnit?!" I bellowed. A few crew members stopped and looked at me in surprise. Brian raised his eyebrows.
"Hey, AJ, I didn't mean it like that-"
"No, of course not. You didn't mean it 'like that'. No one ever means it 'like that'!" I interrupted. Deep down I felt bad, I knew Brian certainly hadn't meant anything degrading. But he'd inadvertantly stuck a very sensitive nerve and I was compelled to keep raging. "How do you think she takes this, Bri? Look at me - I can't take it and it's not even about me!"
Brian stood and put a hand on my shoulder. "AJ, come on, calm down, OK? I know you love her and you've been under a lot of stress..."
But I pulled away from him, trudging off towards the dressing room. I had just made a complete ass of myself and I needed to be alone.
* * * * * *
"AJ, honey, can I come in?"
"Yeah, Ma, it's open," I called from inside my hotel room. My mom slowly opened the door, came in and taking a seat on my bed.
"Alex, we need to talk," she began gently.
"OK, about what?"
"About this afternoon, for starters."
"Ma, Brian and I worked that out already," I protested.
"I know. It's not your outburst I want to talk about, it's why you...freaked out," she finished awkwardly. I leaned back, trying not to smile.
"What do you mean?"
"I know this whole situation with Robyn has been putting a lot of stress on you lately." I shrugged, not wanting to go into it again. "I know it's hard to hear hurtful things said about someone you care about, trust me, and I know the biggest problem is that you can't be there for her and you want to."
I hesitated, then nodded. This was my mother - one of the few people I couldn't lie to.
"I've talked it over with everyone and I want you to take next Thursday off. All you guys have is some general publicity stuff. I want you to go see her," Mom finished.
I sat up, my eyes wide. "Are you serious?" I asked in disbelief.
"Yes. I'll book you a flight out for early Thursday and as late as possible Friday to get you back for the show. You need to see her, be with her, know how she's really doing." Mom smiled at me. I leaned over and hugged her, then sat back and looked her in the eye.
"Mom, I'm kinda...scared. She's not me, she's...she's just not me, y'know?" I asked, frustrated at my lacking explanaation. She nodded.
"She's never had this much attention focused on her from so many sources, most of it hasn't been welcomed and she has no control over it." I nodded vigorously, glad she'd understood. Her face grew a worried look. "She's a very sensitive girl, Alex. I want you to go for her sake as much as yours. Look what everyday life drives perfectly wonderful girls like Robyn to. I don't want to think about what this sort of thing could do."
I sighed. "That's exactly what I'm afraid of."
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