The Things We Do For Love,
Part Five
AJ
Two hours later I was on my way to Orlando again. The guys had been great, not at all upset when I told them I wasn’t sure how long I’d be gone. Up until I boarded the plane I had been surrounded by people, but now I was alone and had nothing but free time to blame myself.
I felt totally responsible. If Robyn had never met me she’d never be where she was now. I kept asking myself, over and over, what could I have done? There must have been something...there were probably a lot of somethings. Now I knew I should have been insanely, horribly worried about that weight she’d lost. I should have told her every chance I had that I loved her exactly the way she was, no matter what anyone said. I hstily wiped a tear that had struggled out. I was such an idiot last time I had come to visit, not saying anything to her.
Carey was waiting at my arrival gate. She gave me a brief smile and hug and I wondered if she blamed me too. “Heard anything?” I asked her right after saying hello. As we retrieved my bag, walked to car and drove to the apartment Carey told me more of the story. Apparently she had found a bottle of diuretics on the counter, near empty. She knew that Robyn had bought it only two weeks earlier (right after I left, I realized), and it had been a bottle of 100 caplets. Robyn was now being given nutrients and fluid intravenously for the time being and would be kept in the hospital a few days...As the story continued I rested my head on the window and rubbed my eyes. Carey stopped talking and I saw her glance over at me.
“I was just here and I was so scared something like this was about to happen But she looked so happy that I assumed, like the fucking dumbass that I am, that things were fine...” I trailed off, feeling tears rising in my throat. Carey placed her hand on mine.
“AJ, if it makes you feel any better I live with her and I wasn’t even suspicious. At least you were skeptical,” she stated quietly and I could tell this was hard on her too. I squeezed her hand as we drove on in silence.
* * * * * *
It was strange to walk into the apartment and not have Robyn waiting there. It made my heart hurt even more, and even though Carey was there I felt really alone.
“Before we go to the hospital I need to show you something,” Carey said, walking towards Robyn’s room. I followed. “I was going through the closet, looking for things she might want to have, and I found this. I thought you should see it too, to maybe...I don’t know.” Taking a deep breath she opened the left closet door.
I was amazed at what I saw. Emails, random words, all terrible, all derogatory. Pictures of her that I knew she hated were accompanied by captions. Pictures of me were up, too, some from magazines and some photos of hers. My heart wasn’t beating right, it just seemed to be spasming. Next to a small mirror in the middle was the picture of us from People, glued in a red heart with the caption “Dedicated To The One I Love”. It was too much. I sank to the floor, vaguely aware of Carey leaving the room and I sat and stared, absolutely numb. To think she made this, and looked at it everyday...it made me sick. And the worst part was she was doing it all for me. My stupid life had driven her to this. Finally when I had gotten my strength back I stood and went to find Carey. She was sitting at the kitchen table looking sad. She raised her head as I entered.
“Are you OK?” she asked softly. I sighed.
“No.”
“I’m sorry, AJ, I didn’t show you that to hurt-”
“I know, Carey. I needed to see it.” I gave her what I hoped was a smile. “Let’s go.” She nodded and hopped up, grabbing her keys and the duffel bag she had packed. Without another word we were off.
Robyn
I slowly awoke to the sound of Ernie singing his ode to Rubber Duckie. I had no idea what channel my parents had turned on, but God bless them, it always seemed to be playing Sesame Street. Suddenly a different,very familiar voice began singing along. Opening my eyes just slightly I was amazed to see AJ slouched in a chair next to me, transfixed by the screen. I couldn’t help it, the entire scene was just too cute and I laughed softly. He immediately looked at me and I watched his face flash through relief, embarrassment and finally smug dismissal.
“I can’t understand your obsession with this show,” he sighed. I smiled.
“Sorry, you got caught red-handed,” I told him. He leaned over me, first giving me a soft kiss then looking into my eyes.
“How are you?” he asked as his fingers brushed over my forehead lightly.
“Better,” I answered. “Why are you here?”
He rolled his eyes. “Gee, lemme think.”
“No, I mean you have a show tonight and-”
“I came because you needed me, and I needed to be with you,” he interrupted gently.
“I’m glad you’re here.” We were silent a minute. “How did you find out?”
“Carey called me.” I had figured, but that bothered me because suddenly I remembered my collage. No doubt Carey would have thought that AJ needed to see that. Reading my mind, AJ added, “I saw your latest decorating attempt.”
“Really? What’d you think?” I tried to joke.
“Not your best work,” he replied, taking my hand and quickly turning serious. “Why, Rob?” he asked. I turned away from the pain in his eyes.
“Because,” I said simply.
“Because?”
“Because,” I repeated firmly. “Because it had to be done.”
“Why? For who’s sake?”
“Yours. Mine. Ours.”
“Mine? My sake? I made you feel like you had to do this?” he asked, looking even more hurt. I sighed, frustrated. How was I supposed to make him understand?”
“When I say for your sake I mean...I know how it must reflect on you to have someone like me on your arm,” I began. He gave me a dead look.
“’Someone like you’,” he practically spat. “Someone amazing, incredible, intelligent, compassionate-”
“Fat,” I added. He shook his head.
“You’re not fat. You weren’t fat. You were never fat!”
I looked at him. “AJ, please. I looked in the mirror everyday. Everyone was saying it, everywhere.”
“Do you think I would have ever invited you out with me anywhere if I gave a good God damn what the press or fans or anyone thought of you?” I shrugged. I wanted desperately to believe him but I had beaten my self image down so low that I simply couldn’t accept his words. AJ opened his mouth, looking angry, then closed his eyes, trying to calm down. “Robyn, my only concern about you, ever, was you. Not you as in the way you look or the size of your clothes. It was you, the person - your self esteem that I know has never been that good. Every time I read some nasty remark or heard some cruel joke I didn’t get embarrassed that it was my girlfriend they were talking about. I got so pissed and deep down afraid about how all this shit would affect you. I wanted to be with you, to make it better. I didn’t want you to change to make it stop.” He took a deep breath and looked around the hospital room. “Either way I messed up,” he finished sadly.
Seeing him so upset was too much and it brought tears to my eyes. “Honey, you didn’t mess up. It’s a feeling I had inside - that I’ve always had inside that...just intensified. It wasn’t so much that people were saying such bad things about me, it was that they thought you deserved better, and I guess they convinced me of that too. That’s why I do what I do.”
“Did,” he blurted.
“What?”
“Did - that’s why you did what you did.”
“What did I say?”
“That’s why you do what you do. Present tense.”
“Oh.” I looked up at the television. It hadn’t occurred to me to stop. What I had been doing was getting me what I wanted, quickly. This was just a setback, a reminder to pace myself.
“You are done with this,” he said, noticing my aversion.
“I...well...yeah,” I said uncertainly. AJ sat back in his chair.
“Jesus Christ, Rob, have you taken inventory lately? You’re in a hospital, where you were rushed after blacking out because you don’t eat. When you do eat you throw up, or take drugs that drive food from your system. Nutrients are now being pumped into your body through little tubes,” he said angrily, gesturing to my IV with disgust. “Can’t you see that what you were doing was wrong?”
A few stray tears slipped down my cheeks. “I know, I know all that...I just don’t want to make a promise to you I can’t keep.”
AJ leaned over me again, and unshed tears made his eyes shine. “Robyn, I love you. I love you so much it hurts sometimes. It took me a long time to be able to fall in love, really in love, but now I have and it’s with someone so wonderful...God, it blows my mind. You don’t have to do anything like this for me, ever, and I am so sorry for all that‘s happened that made you feel like you did. You are beautiful, Robyn. I will stick by you through this - we can beat this together, I just need you to say you’ll try.”
I reached up and wiped his tears away. I didn’t deserve him, but whatever it took to keep him I’d do. “OK,” I whispered. “I’ll try. I love you.”
He smiled and kissed me. “I love you too.” I yawned, suddenly feeling very tired. He kissed my forehead. “You need to rest. Take a nap.”
I started to close my eyes, then forced them back open. “Will you be here when I wake up?”
AJ played with my hair and smiled. “Kid, I’ll be here as long as you need me. You’re stuck with me.”
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