My Son
why do we, as a society, feel obligated to help those who we see as indifferent, apathetic, who don't care? why do we try to force our beliefs and lifestyles upon them? why can't we realize that some don't want our pity and our hope. we are all going to die, regardless of anything. the time, place, means, circumstances--none of that matters. i have killed something that never had a chance to live. we held the trial and he was never allowed a chance to express what he wanted. what if he did want to live regardless? did what i want even matter? what if he was the one who was going to find a cure for AIDS? that is so cliché. what if he had grown up to be a good person, what if he was the soulmate of a girl....and now she will never find him? what if i killed something important? but i don't even have the right to wonder. who has the right to be that egotistical? what if he would have grown up in a broken home, watching his pathetic mother futilely trying to make ends meet, then wondering where it went wrong when she shot herself with the same gun she had bought to protect herself and her young son from the perils of the neighborhood they lived in? would i have produced a monster? would he have been able to understand if i gave him up for adoption? would he have understood that i loved him with all my heart? would he have understood that i wanted everything for him? now he doesn't have that chance. i hope that somewhere, somehow, he realizes that i loved him. that this wasn't my choice to make. it was society's choice. and because of the ideas that i had been subject too and the life which i had lead, i couldn't have brought him into this horrible world. maybe he wouldn't have felt the pain i feel. maybe i could have given him the best life, with a family who wanted him. maybe he would have never known the hardships that i went through. perhaps he wouldn't have cared anyways. but what if he had been my son?
(11-16-99)
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