My Rant
some things don't make sense. and when you try to make them they just become more twisted in your mind--because you're turning them around, comparing them to what experience you've had, seeing how they fit in other places, trying to realize what they mean. you never will, because when and if you manage to get it into some manageable bit of understandable information, you will inevitably get more questions than answers. some things just come along with the times, with no rhyme or reason. it's like some higher power is taking each generation and altering it, then introducing the same things to us that the one before us dealt with, as if it's perfecting a breed of humans, like we're all just a bunch of test rats. but they're a long way off, with the generation that i'm part of (gen x and gen y) we've really screwed up. or maybe that's just me. maybe everyone else is supposed to live like they do, and i'm just one of the maybe 20% who is slowly being exterminated so that we will have a perfect society. i have no doubt in my mind that i am a mar on the face of society, not a big one but one nonetheless. or maybe i'm part of the 80% they want to keep. maybe they're trying to dispose of the ones who live in their fantasy world, who can't or won't see what is really going on. they are the TV generation who was raised by the television as parents realized that they had a permanent and free babysitter in their own living rooms. of course that had done more harm than good—people imitate TV so much i have gotten sick of TV. i haven't watched it in years, maybe a show here and there, but in each one the elements of the unrealistic society are prevalent. people think that they have to be part of the "cool" group, but to do so they have to be beautiful, sexy, part of an organized sport, in many clubs, some officer of the class--but above all they have to be cruel. people think that if they have a loud system, or they have (meaningless) sex a lot, or they go to all the parties, or they wear the brand names that it will provide them with some reason for their otherwise empty existence. they try to conform to the molds already displayed for them according to the image they want to project. if the guy wants to look bad ass he'll wear the baggy pants and have the loud rap music. if he wants to be dark and brooding and cynical he'll wear all black, grow long hair, smoke, go to underground clubs and have a permanent grudge against the preppy group because they are rich and privileged. now the main thing is here is independence--we're away from home yea! but no one realizes that with this newfound freedom comes so much responsibility. that's the real danger. all their lives they were told what was wrong and right. here they have to choose what's right or wrong for you. and people think everything that was barred from them in high school and before is now the right thing. just look at the statistics for sex. about half come in college as virgins. only a small percentage leave that way. so sex, drugs, alcohol, driving fast, staying out late, skipping class, going to parties--all become right. people still think the handsome jock who shows up at all the parties is the coolest. people notice the car with the best system and nod appreciatively, saying how nice that is and man i wish i had it, everyone would notice me! no one realizes that the food fight in the caf, the big party that ohmygod *everyone* went to, the group mentality--it's all immaturity and fantasy TV landish stuff. and the fact that i realize that makes people think i'm trying to take the holier-than-thou attitude with them when i'm actually not. i won't hide the reason i drink occasionally--i am not trying to be cool, i'm trying to drown out some of my thoughts that are constantly swarming in my head. for every issue i could write a volume on it, probably more. what has gone through my mind on those subjects would take years to write down and record in any readable fashion. i just feel that sometimes i'm a hypocrite--hell i know i am--, slut, fake person....that last one is the kicker because it's everything i've ever loathed. but in watching them and not becoming a fake in the way everyone else did, i became a fake in my own way. reassuring huh? but back to the reason i'm writing this--because it's fruitless to figure out some things. i've recently made some discoveries about myself, and while it was kinda nice, i now have more questions about things. and those questions suck more than the other ones do. so even though i don't follow my own advice and dwell on things, believe you me—some things weren't meant to be understood. get over it.
(1-3-00)
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