I called you up today. I just had to see you, one last time.
You said you wanted out, you wanted out of the band, you wanted out of my life. You cried. I tried to hold you and you pushed me away. You were scared of me.
You should be. I love you.
So now you're sitting on my couch, picking away at the frayed edges of a pillow. You won't look at me. I'm just watching you in silence.
You know how fucking gorgeous you are, right? Those big brown eyes, that soft mane of hair...I want you. I want you so bad it hurts. And I love you.
I remember the first time. We were so young. You were so pretty and innocent and I took that, I took that away from you. You looked at me as I took away your childhood innocense and you cried. You sobbed and you screamed and you held me so tight, so close. And afterward, after you came in my hand, you told me it was good.
And we did it again.
How many years has it been since then? Years of torture, of sex and pain and music and love. I got married. Maybe that's why you finally said we had to stop.
I don't want to stop. I need you, Simon. I fucking need you.
You finally say something. Ask me why I brought you here. Why I called you up and begged you to come over and see me. One last time. Before you leave for good.
I shrug; what can I say, there's nothing that will make you change your mind. I volunteer to make some tea, you say, That would be nice.
The kitchen is a haven, an in-between place. I'm in limbo in my imagination, between the present and the future.
There's a box of old rat poison in the cupboard under the sink. I think it has arsenic in it. Maybe. I make the tea and pour it into two cups. I dump half the box into one cup, stir, stir, stir, and then it's all gone. Dissolved. Oh yes.
I give you the cup. I take my own, sit down beside you. You shift, uncomfortable, and then sip your tea. Your face twists. Is this Earl Gray? Yeah, sorry, it must be old. That's all right, you reply, with a shrug. So unsuspecting. So innocent. I touch your hair and you let me, you smile softly. I'm sorry, you say, I'm sorry I - you stop. You swallow, frowning, your face twisting into an odd expression. Simon? I ask, heart beginning to race, I'm excited! It's working! Simon, are you all right?
Yes, I'm - you start to say, and then you drop your cup. It shatters on the floor, and you wrap your arms around your stomach. It hurts! you cry, you stare at me. You poisoned me! you accuse. Yes, I say, and I lean in and kiss your lips. I'm going to die! you say, and again, I say Yes. I smile brightly, holding you close. I love you, Simon. I just can't let you go away. You struggle for a bit, then I hear your heart slow, slow, stop. You shudder one last time, and then go still. I smile, I'm glad you didn't suffer very long. I wouldn't want that. I love you, after all.
I tilt your head up, kiss your lips. You're still warm, and so soft and pliant under my hands. Your eyes are open, I close them, and kiss the lids. I love you so much. You're so beautiful, you know that?
I push you down on the couch, slowly unbuttoning your shirt. If I squint just so, it looks like you're smiling at me. Yes, you're smiling. I like that. I slide your shirt off, throw it on the floor, caress your chest. Oh, yes, you like that. I remember how much you like that. And I strip us both, so slowly, teasing you, I remember how much you like to be teased. Your body is so perfect. Perfect and smooth and white and pure and mine.
I stroke your thighs. Beautiful. Women would kill for legs like these, and you're so lucky. I'm so lucky. I kiss one, suck on it, bite it. Mark it as mine. You're still smiling, I guess you like that too. I slide against you, grind down, watching you move with me. I'm so hard, so hard, Simon. Just for you. Only for you.
Simon, I ask, breathing hard, bending to kiss your warm lips again, May I make love to you? You smile. I know you mean Yes. So I lift your legs, slide you on to my lap. I say, I love you, and then I thrust into you. Your body is so hot, so tight, just for me, and I moan loudly. I begin to move, slow and tender at first, I caress your cheek and your head moves into my hand. Then I begin to pound harder, harder and faster, and you move with me, you're so beautiful. Your hair flips with your head, and your smile stays, and your eyes stay shut but I know you love this, you love me.
Things are getting blurry; I don't know why I'm crying but I am, and my orgasm takes me by surprise. I fall forward on to you, hold you, stroke your cheek and kiss your lips. I love you, I say again, and then -
The kettle shrieks at me, I jump. I'm still in the kitchen. Blinking, I stumble around with the box of poison, shoving it back into the cupboard. No, no, I still can't let you go. There's poison in the right-hand cup. I take them out, your reach for it but don't quite get it, the cups fall to the floor and shatter into a million pieces. My dreams, my plans, broken.
Oh, you say, I'm sorry. It was an accident.
I know, I say, sadly, I know. That's all right.
I'm going to go now, you say with a sad sigh. I have things to do.
I love you, I say, as I lead you to the door, reach out to take your hand.
You pause, look at me, and then you start to cry. You cry, and I take you in my arms, and you cling to me, and I hold you tightly. I love you, you say, So much, I just can't...
I know, I say, stroking your hair. I love you, Simon.
I love you too, Robert, you sob, and bury your face in my shoulder. I can't leave...I can't leave you now.
Then don't leave.
I won't, you say, I won't ever.
And you won't. Because if you try, there's still a half-full box of rat poison under the kitchen sink.
The things I do for love.
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