It had been over two weeks that the gothic castaways had been left to fend off the eternal cheer and bright colors of the happiest amusement park on earth, but there was still a long way to go. It was time for another challenge.
The clans of Sardonia, Eulogy and Apathy were gathered together outside of Ariel's undersea kingdom to ready themselves for the next challenge. The continuing participation of each member depended on their performance of the new task, as afterward it would be time to vote off the unworthiest goth.
The castaways were charged with a mission to light a pack of cloves - without matches, lighters or flamethrowers and only by using objects in the immediate vicinity. The clan members were herded off into pairs:
Doomboy and Gothicknight, Raiyn and Lord Scrofula, Deadbolt and DJ Rancor, Angry Kitty and Ankh...blahblahblah, Amaranthia and Velvetwhore.
Amaranthia was pissed off. Her eyes shot daggers in Deadbolt's direction. He was too busy taunting DJ Rancor to notice her fiery stare. Amaranthia turned to Velvetwhore, who was adjusting her facial piercings...all 75 of them. "It'll be just a minute..." Velvet said. Amaranthia rolled her eyes and fingered the shards of her poor beloved mirror.
Gothicknight turned to Doomboy and said "So we're supposed to do this without a source of fire?" "We have a source of fire." Doomboy said ominously. "What do you think I am?" Gothicknight withered visibly and clutched his can of hair spray. "Gimme that." barked Doomboy. "We're gonna need that."
Ankh was in the midst of explaining to Angry Kitty that she was once the fire goddess of the ancient tribe of UHUNANULALLA, and that if they made sacrifices of wombat dung and smeared themselves with entrails that she could achieve a kind of trance that would refresh her powers. Angry Kitty gave her a good smack with her spiky purse. "Look here you little $*&$%5, I've got what is called a NICOTINE ADDICTION. I haven't had a %&&*$ smoke in DAYS and I NEED those cloves....and if I have to scrape your &%$#@ head across the asphalt like a matchstick to $%$*& light them then I WILL, UNDERSTAND????"
Raiyn was bawling incessantly. Lord Scrofula looked like someone had basted him with mayonaise as he was wearing an inch thick coating of sunscreen to avoid his untimely demise at the hand of the big unfriendly ball of light in the sky.
Deadbolt had somehow pried DJ Rancor's fingers from the box set of Headhunter remixes, and was holding it above his head with a grin that only an executioner could appreciate. DJ Rancor was leaping like a frenzied chihuahua at the box which Deadbolt dangled just out of his reach. "Maybe you should get over your little one hit wonder band and listen to something new...like Das Ich or Funker Vogt" snickered Deadbolt. "GIVE IT BACK YOU HEARTLESS CYBORG!!!!" Dj screamed. Deadbolt shook the box over Dj's head, and suddenly a disc slipped out and bounced to the ground. "AGHHHHHHH!!!!!" DJ threw himself at the pavement and stared at the disc as if it were his only friend on their death bed. His lip trembled and his eyes filled with watery anime tears. Then he fell backwards, screaming "AHHGGHHH! My eyes!!!" Deadbolt frowned and looked down at the shiny face of the disc and saw the sun's reflection in the vaguely scuffed surface. "Achtung! This crappy piece of plastic is useful after all." He picked up the disc and the pack of cloves that was given to them, and careful aimed the sun's reflection at the cigarettes.
Amaranthia's eyes were full of malice as VelvetWhore was reweaving some of her extensions. "So, you think he's hot, don't you." Velvet commented. Amaranthia narrowed her eyes into slits. "NO. Are you quite done yet?!"
"He's German, you know. Germans are so sexy."
"No, Germans are a bunch of beer drinking, metal clanging, ignorant, conniving...screw gnawing....BASTARDS!!!"
"I think they are charming, I like my men rough around the edges. And Deadbolt certainly looks like the rough type. What a hotty."
Amaranthia started to bend the mirror handle without even thinking about it, giving Velvetwhore a look that would have leveled most cities. Velvet moved on to adjusting her 20 pounds of jewelry and commented
"He's got such an amazing accent, it's such a turn on."
The black cloud began to manifest over Amaranthia again.
"And those powerful hands...I'd let him unlace my corset anytime."
The cloud expanded rapidly.
"German guys are great lovers, did you know that?" Velvetwhore said as she then scooped up the clove cigarettes. The entire pack burst into flame and exploded in Velvet's hand. She flinched and tried to scoot away from the flaming remains. Amaranthia's eyes were glowing red and her face was fixed into a fierce scowl. Slowly the glow faded, and the black cloud dissipated. "You stay away from him." Amaranthia whispered.
"Raiyn, stop crying. you're getting the cloves all wet. We'll never be able to light them." Scrofula said.
"Well what are we supposed to do? This is impossible!" She bawled as she pulled out her poetry book and began to scrawl.
Gothicknight watched woefully and penned song lyrics as Doomboy was heavily spraying a patch of asphalt with the his hairspray. When Doomboy finished, he shook the can, puzzled, and wondered why it still felt so full. He shrugged, and pulled from his belt the famed rusty railroad spike. A look of depraved glee sparkled in his eyes, and he struck the spike against the ground like a match, causing small sparks to shoot out like a waterfall. Then, a line of flame rose up from the pavement. Doomboy cackled in true mad scientist form and lit a clove. He tossed it to Gothicknight, who was dumbstruck, and then lit one for himself.
Deadbolt smoked the entire pack of cloves all at once as DJ Rancor mourned his slipped disc. He lovingly fingered its mirrored surface, tears spilling down his face. "I'm a bad parent..." he said, sniffling. "Can you ever forgive me?"
"Oh look, the whole pack is soaked." Chided Scrofula." Raiyn you've got to stop now or we're never going to make this challenge. Now help me think. I need to focus so my mind stays away from the whiteness of her skin, the ebony curtain of her hair, her scent of wildflowers and porridge....this is so unfair. How can I ever hope to exist without her, now that I am a prince of the night? I must have my princess. I simply must, as blood binds us. And so perhaps blood must flow to free her. I shall be resolute!" Scrofula stood up in an inspired yet cliche pose, holding aloft the soggy cigarettes. I will not let short demonized cartoon characters come between my love and I..NO! I will stand and face my opponent, and in my abject bravery Snow White will see the man that I really am! Honestly Raiyn, stop crying already." Raiyn's tears washed a chunk of SPF 5000 from off of one of Scrofula's fingers.
He shrieked in pain and his finger began to smoke and a tiny flame lit up from the tip. Angry Kitty, who had been violently dragging Ankh through a patch of dry grass in hopes of starting a fire, had dropped her teammate on her face in frustration and stalked over to Scrofula who was screaming and staring at his finger. "For %&&$ sake shut up you *&$ #^$(* dipwad." Kitty said and yanked his flaming finger towards her to light the clove cigarette dangling percariously from her mouth. She breathed the smoke in slowly and exhaled a cloud into Raiyn's face..which of course made her eyes burn, and thusly more tears fell. Angry Kitty breathed a smoky sigh of relief and then proceeded to light 3 more cigarettes. Scrofula fumbled with Vlad, his sunscreen cozy and managed to smear on some more sunblock before his finger started to char.
Angry Kitty turned to Scrofula in the calmest voice anyone had heard from her and said "Thanks. You'd make a great zippo." She then pilfered his pack of cloves and sauntered off in a smoky haze toward the dry grass where Ankh was chanting some nonsense about pork.